The Lost Years

by Stacey Ritz

  “I couldn’t, Milo. I didn’t want to watch you choose the bottle over me…that’s what he did, to my mom, to my sister and me. I couldn’t stand for you to do the same thing. I loved you. I really loved you.” Her eyes widened, trying to hold back tears.

  “I would have never chosen a bottle over you, Rainie. I wish you would have known that. I wish you would have trusted what we had, more than that. I wouldn’t have chosen anything or anyone over you. You were the love of my life.” Milo’s words left Rainie speechless.

  “I’m so sorry about your dad.” Milo consoled her, despite his own pain. “I’m sorry for what you had to endure…”

  She nodded. “I’ve tried to be strong all this time… there were so many times I wanted to call you. But I thought, if I stayed strong, if I became tough, I could bury the past behind me and start over. All I ever wanted was to start over and create a happy life. But, in doing that, I lost everyone who was ever important to me.” Instinctively, Rainie reached across the table and grabbed Milo’s hand. His fingers wove effortlessly between hers, instantly slowing her racing heart. The past wasn’t easy for her to talk about, but Milo made it easier.

  He stood from his chair and walked over to hers, kissing her lightly on the forehead. “Let’s get out of here.” He nodded toward the door. Milo paid the bill and left a generous tip.

  She stood from her chair, not able to take her eyes from his and reached for his hand as they headed for the door.

  The moon was full and they’d decided to take advantage of the extra light and walk along the beach before heading back to the yellow beach house for chocolate cake. When they arrived to the house, all of the lights were out, with the exception of the front porch light and the kitchen light. Rainie cut two slices of moist chocolate cake with chocolate icing and carried them out to the deck, taking a seat on the porch swing, Milo following closely behind. They hadn’t talked about Dan Amburger since they left La Dolce Vita. They hadn’t talked about their break-up, either. Rainie knew Milo would listen if she’d wanted to talk more, although she’d been relieved to change the subject.

  “Do you remember the food fight we had in eighth grade?”

  “I thought my mom was going to kill me when she saw the kitchen!” Milo grinned.

  “She wasn’t too happy, was she?”

  “She really wasn’t. There were mashed potatoes on the floor and the walls…”

  “And don’t forget the apple pie!”

  “It was a mess. We stayed up until three in the morning scrubbing the walls.”

  “I remember.” Rainie shook her head. “Sometimes I miss those days, being kids. Not being proper all of the time. Adulting is tough.”

  Milo laughed. “Sometimes when I’m talking with a client, I can’t believe I’m the veterinarian…not in an ego type way, in a I can’t believe I’m an adult type way.”

  “We’re all still kids, walking around in these grown up bodies…some of us trying to act mature and serious.”

  “Kind of frightening when you think about it, huh?”

  “Totally.” Rainie nodded. “We grow into these adult bodies and think we have to be serious all of the time. At some point, we stop playing.”

  “And I can’t believe you stopped doing your goofy dances!” Milo playfully touched her arm.

  Rainie had one last bite of chocolate cake on her plate, she grabbed it with her hand and pressed it in Milo’s face.

  “Oh, now it’s on. Two can play at that game!” He grabbed for his own plate and gathered what was left and reached for Rainie’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you.” He said as he smooshed the chocolate cake remains into her fingers.

  “You think you’re so funny.” She reached to smear the chocolate cake further onto his cheeks and chin. “That’s a good look on you.” She teased.

  “You think?” He leaned toward her, the rumble of the waves filling the silence that sat between their easy laughter. When his lips met hers, she kissed him back.

  “You and chocolate cake?” She pulled back, looking him in the eyes. “It doesn’t get any better than this.” She smiled before meeting his lips once more. The air smelled of salt water, cake and Milo’s fresh pheromones all wrapped in one. Rainie fell effortlessly into Milo’s arms after the kiss. They sat together, swaying slowly on the porch swing, the full moon illuminating the sky above them.

  A while later, when Milo went to the kitchen to wash his face and hands from the cake, Rainie sat back in the swing, gazing up at the night sky. Her thoughts drifted smoothly from Milo’s dimples to the way his soft lips felt pressed against her own. Her state of bliss lasted until a bright light tore her attention to the table beside her. Milo’s phone. She turned away quickly, not wanting to be nosey. Although, she did wonder who was texting him this late at night and while he was away on vacation. The phone lit up twice more. On the third time, she grimaced, but allowed herself to look at the lit screen. The series of text were coming from someone named Vanessa. There were five texts in total before Milo returned, sitting next to her in the porch swing.

  Milo draped his arm around the back of the swing, silently inviting Rainie to rest her head on his chest once again. He handed her a napkin to wipe her hands from the cake.

  “Thanks.” Rainie said stiffly, sure to avoid meeting his eyes.

  When Rainie didn’t curl up next to him, he drew his arm back toward himself. After a few minutes, he asked, “Is everything okay?”

  “It’s fine.” She said curtly.

  “Did something happen when I went to wash up?”

  She shook her head. She didn’t want to admit she’d peeked at his phone. Yet, the text piqued her curiosity. Who was Vanessa? He’d said he hadn’t been serious with anyone since they’d been together. Had he been truthful? Then again, maybe he wasn’t serious with anyone, maybe he was casually dating? Rainie wrapped her arms around the front of her body, curling up into a ball as they sat quietly, looking out the dark sea.

  “I should head back.” Milo stood a few minutes later. He watched Rainie, curious as to why her demeanor had changed. “I had a good time tonight.”

  “Me too.” She answered, looking out at the deep blue ocean.

  “Walk me to the door?”

  She stood, following him to the front door, walking quietly as to not wake Ronnie or her mama.

  When they exited the door and stood at the top of the steps leading to the front drive, they faced each other. Rainie took Milo’s hands in hers, looking up at him for the first time in a while. “Sorry about all of the heavy stuff tonight.” She shrugged. “I guess there was a lot I needed to say.”

  “I’m glad you did, Rainie. Really.” He wrapped her in his arms. “You can talk to me about anything, anytime.”

  “You too.” She replied, still wanting to ask about Vanessa, but unable to bring herself to say the words. She was jealous, but for whatever reason, she didn’t want Milo to know. She didn’t want to come off as needy or weak.

  When she heard Milo’s phone buzz again, she pulled her hand from his, turning toward the door.

  Milo’s forehead crinkled. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Good night, Milo.” She nodded before disappearing behind the door. She would have sworn he felt something for her. She was sure of her feelings for him. Then again, she knew all too well that feelings weren’t enough to sustain a relationship. And there were so many things that could get in the way. Including people named Vanessa.

  9

  CHAPTER NINE

  GRACE / GOAT

  Grace was found tied to a tree, alone. She had no access to food or water. She was terribly emaciated, dehydrated and in need of help. She trembled with fear. Rescued by the Kentucky Farm Sanctuary, she now lives among other goats at the farm and enjoys running and playing.

  FACTS: Goats become depressed when isolated. They are very social animals and enjoy time with their friends. Goats are intelligent animals who use the sound of a sneeze as an alarm to warn each other of possibl
e danger.

  Buddy sprinted across the sand, pouncing and eagerly wagging his tail every time he spotted movement. The light from the full moon illuminated the ghost crabs as they scurried across the beach. Their white-yellow color, coupled with their fast movement, gave way to their name. Thousands of ghost crabs owned the late night beaches of the Outer Banks. Appearing on the surface of the sand, they quickly appeared and disappeared, burrowing into the sand at forty-five-degree angles, vanishing into their four foot holes that measured a mere inch in width. They were smart, fast and plentiful in Corolla. It was Buddy’s favorite part of the annual trip; chasing ghost crabs at night. Despite his three legs, he was as quick as the crabs. Buddy realized, too, that most crabs created an entrance and exit hole of their burrows. When they went in one, they usually came out the other. He anxiously waited by the sand hole, panting with large eyes as he hoped the ghost crabs wouldn’t notice his dark canine fur before they popped up again.

  Rainie and Milo casually walked down the beach, shoulder to shoulder. There were other crab hunters scattered about, with their headlamps and buckets in tow. With the absence of daylight, no one made eye contact or said hello to one another in passing. Rainie and Milo felt as if they and Buddy were the only ones inhabiting the beach, along with hundreds of ghost crabs.

  Milo carried the wide blue bucket in his right hand. “I come out here with Buddy a few nights every summer.” He laughed. His labrador-retriever-basset-hound-American-staffordshire-terrier-mix, Buddy, barked twice, successfully gaining both Milo and Rainie’s attention. He was chasing a large ghost crab, bigger than the size of Milo’s palm, and wanted their praise. “Good boy, Buddy!” Milo reached down and added the crab to the bucket and patted Buddy on the head. “Off you go.” They watched as he galloped eagerly ahead, ignoring the clamor of the waves that crashed onto the shore.

  “He’s pretty good at this.” Rainie smiled.

  “He’s the best.” They watched as Buddy trotted off into the distance.

  “How long have you had him?”

  “Oh,” Milo thought about it, feeling the flicker of a ghost crab scurry over his bare feet. “I guess it’s been three years now. He’d been dumped at the county pound and was in terrible shape. The man, whom he’d lived with, had accidently ran him over with his lawnmower…not sure how that happens.” He shook his head, continuing, “Instead of taking him to the veterinarian, he took him to the pound, signed the papers and never looked back. The poor fella was losing blood fast. Two of his legs were dangling. The animal shelter director was going to put him down; they convince themselves they’re doing the animals a favor, even the healthy ones…”

  “I know all too well,” Rainie nodded. “Buddy could have been completely healthy and they still may have had the same plan for him.”

  Milo agreed, adding to his story, “Luckily, a high school student was volunteering at the shelter that day and called me. She was sobbing and said ‘You’re a vet, isn’t there something you can do?’ So, I went down to the animal shelter on my lunch hour. Of course, there was an argument with the shelter director. Funny enough, when I offered to pay double the adoption fee, cash, they released him to me with ease.”

  Rainie shook her head, understanding all too well that too many county pound directors let their position of power go straight to their heads. They didn’t see their jobs as altruistic, instead they allowed their jobs to serve as opportunities for bullying and control. “He’s such a sweet dog.”

  “That shelter director is gone now,” he smiled. “And things are starting to change, but it’s sure been a battle.”

  “You fixed Buddy up and bonded with him too much to adopt him to someone?”

  Milo nodded, smiling as Buddy galloped toward them, licking Milo’s hand. Milo pulled a treat from his pocket and Buddy eagerly accepted. Rainie petted his head before he trotted off again in search of more crabs. “Pretty much. One of his front legs had to be amputated, it was too badly mangled. We were able to save the broken one in the back. He was on bedrest for two months and I took him to and from the veterinary office to my house every day, and, well, the rest is history. He’s my Heinz 57.”

  “Your what?”

  “Heinz 57. Everyone always asks what breed he is. He isn’t a breed. He’s a unique mix of lots of breeds. He’s Buddy.”

  “I still don’t understand.”

  “The H.J. Heinz Company in Pittsburg used to have an advertising slogan that said ’57 Varieties of Pickles’. The slogan caught on and came to mean anything that is made from a large number of origins or parts.”

  “Then you should have named Buddy, Pickles.” Rainie playfully tapped Milo’s arm. The breeze from the ocean blew her hair behind her as they continued walking.

  Milo laughed. “That would have been a clever name,” he agreed. The truth was, he’d never thought about Buddy’s name much. He’d spent so much time toting him back and forth from the office to his home after his surgeries that he started talking to him like a friend. “Hey, Buddy” he’d say, greeting him each morning; and the name Buddy, stuck.

  “Isn’t it funny how sometimes the worst event is the one that leads to the best one?” Rainie thought this every time she rescued a new animal at the sanctuary. Two of her pigs, Peggy and Sam had been traveling on a semi-truck, heading to slaughter. When the truck jackknifed and tipped, the two pigs made a run for it and days later when they were found, she rescued them.

  Milo considered this for a moment. “You’re right. If Buddy hadn’t been in such a dire situation, I would have never known he existed.”

  “Life is full of surprises.” Rainie’s eyes widened as she pointed toward the sand, dancing on her tip-toes. “There’s one!” She reached down and gently scooped the little guy into her hand. The ghost crabs beady black eyes studied her before she placed him gently in the bucket.

  “That’s ten.” Milo peered into the bucket with his flashlight.

  “Go for twelve?”

  Milo agreed as they continued feeling the sand sift between their bare feet as they walked south on the beach. Rainie tried not to think about the texts she’d seen on Milo’s phone from someone named Vanessa. Who was Vanessa? How long had they known each other? Did Milo have feelings for her? He didn’t have any sisters and his mom’s name was Theresa. She shook her head, reminding herself to enjoy the present moment, rather than spend it worrying about a stranger. For all she knew, Vanessa could be…a friendly neighbor? Oh, who was she kidding. She was jealous. She was flat out envious of someone she’d never met and probably never would. The thought occurred to Rainie, what if she didn’t see Milo for another fourteen years? What if the next time she saw him he was married to Vanessa? She shook her head, trying to push the unpleasant thought away. She had to stop. Milo was on the beach with her. She trusted him. If Vanessa was someone she needed to know about, he’d tell her. Wouldn’t he?

  A ghost crab scuttled across the top of Rainie’s toes. “Ah!” She squirmed, her voice was barely audible, although the fact that she’d reached for Milo’s arm didn’t go unnoticed. Milo looked down at Rainie as she grasped his bicep. Their eyes met, holding still beneath the glow of the bright moon. Their heads moved closer, as if pulled by the magnetism of the waves, their lips lingering millimeters apart. Rainie knew in her heart, that despite their years apart, the same invisible string that had held them together since they were five years old, still held them together now. Although she’d ignored it for so long, it hadn’t evaporated. It was still there, she was certain of it.

  “I miss you,” Rainie whispered to Milo, dulcifying the moment.

  Milo moved closer.

  “Woof!” Buddy barked again and again at their feet. When they didn’t respond, he stood on his two back legs, throwing his front paw onto Milo’s hip.

  Milo loved Buddy’s blithe spirit, but his timing was awry. Milo locked his eyes on Rainie’s before giving in to Buddy’s demands. He kissed her forehead once, and then each of her eye lids before pressing
his lips gently to her nose. She silently implored him to reach her lips and when he did, she felt a charge of energy bolt through her body. It wasn’t the same as fourteen years ago. It was better. It was much better. And fourteen years ago, she’d loved their kisses, his touch, and his look. How was it possible that it was better now?

  “Woof!” Buddy impatiently barked again. Milo realized he’d set the blue bucket full of exactly ten ghost crabs, on the ground next to his feet. Buddy was ready for their release.

  “Soon.” Milo petted his head.

  “Pickles is impatient.” Rainie teased. Milo bent to pick up the bucket and Buddy watched with big round anxious eyes.

  “Two more?”

  Milo nodded and slid his free hand into Rainie’s. She clasped her fingers around his, feeling his warmth rush through her. She was about to tell him that she’d called Cooper and told him that they needed to take a breather. As her lips formed an O, they spotted another crab.

  “There!” Milo pointed. “Do you want to get him?”

  “Your turn.”

  Milo crouched and placed both palms of his hands face up against the sandy ground. Within seconds, two ghost crabs scampered onto his skin and he scooped them up. Standing to show Rainie. “That makes twelve!”

  “We did it!”

  Milo proudly added the final two crabs to the bucket. Buddy barked. “Let’s walk to that beach umbrella,” he pointed three-hundred meters ahead. An oversized yellow beach umbrella had been left in the sand. It was slanted at a forty-five degree angle, its top fluttering against the relentless ocean breeze.

  Rainie wasn’t sure why she began talking about her coin collection. As quickly as it came, she pushed it away, rushing her sentences and hurrying to ask Milo a question. She supposed she wanted to tell him everything. That’s the way they’d always been. Mostly. The only thing he hadn’t known was the truth about her dad. And now that she’d told him, she wanted to fill in all of the gaps. She wanted him to know everything. She should have told him all those years ago. Why hadn’t she told him? He would have understood. He would have helped her. He wouldn’t have judged her. Thinking about it now, she realized, she hadn’t been trying to keep a secret from Milo. She’d been trying to keep one from herself.