by Laura Ziepe
She’d loved his spontaneity. She’d loved how much he loved her; now she just felt like an old coat he’d grown tired of but still put on occasionally. She tried to be affectionate towards him, giving him the odd random kiss and cuddle, but she had to admit it felt as though she was the one making all the effort. It wasn’t a nice feeling and lately, Grace had found herself wondering if this was really it for her life now. Was this as exciting as things were going to get?
Grace ate her cereal quickly, putting her bowl into the dishwasher. Trying for a baby had definitely made things worse as far as their love life went. Sex had become mechanical, and most of the time, they just wanted the ‘job’ over with as quickly as possible. Grace would find herself thinking hurry up the entire time. It was hardly romantic or fun, and Grace felt frustrated that she still wasn’t pregnant. Everyone else seemed to manage it at the drop of a hat, including her sister, Amanda, who’d fallen pregnant six months ago on her first try. Falling pregnant on your first try seemed completely ludicrous to Grace. Just one try! Amanda seriously didn’t realize how lucky she was, Grace thought sullenly, as she went back upstairs to quickly brush her teeth. Grace couldn’t remember the first time she and Simon tried now, but she did remember how excited they were thinking that they’d soon be parents. How ridiculously naive they were. Grace hated how much hope they’d had. If only she could go back in time and tell herself, hold tight Grace, in twelve months’ time you still won’t have got there.
Grace had always told herself that she wouldn’t let the whole trying-to-get-pregnant-thing get her down. It would happen when it happened. She was a relaxed, mellow person, after all. She wasn’t uptight about anything and she wasn’t about to start changing now, over this. Of course, there was more to life than having children, and she did believe she’d get there in the end. It wasn’t the only thing she was focusing on in life. But after twelve unsuccessful months, it was impossible to not worry and feel disheartened and disappointed. It clearly wasn’t going to be as easy for them as it was for other couples and she had even started to fear that Simon was losing interest in becoming a father altogether now. The last two times she was ovulating, he’d brushed her off and told her he was too tired. He knew the importance of timing in her cycle, but Grace hadn’t wanted to push him. She didn’t want to be one of those women demanding sex just to get pregnant; she wanted it to at least feel natural. His refusal had hurt though, she couldn’t deny that. It had hurt just like his overall lack of interest in her and when she’d recently tried to voice her feelings, he’d just given a loud sigh as though she was trying to create unnecessary issues. Grace didn’t create unnecessary issues though! She was easygoing and low-maintenance; how had Simon forgotten that?
Grace turned the ignition on in her car to drive to Tidemans. Her thoughts turned to Rachel and she wondered if she was engaged, smiling for the first time that morning. She hoped she was; Grace knew how much Rachel was dying for a ring. Not that marriage was all it was cracked up to be. She’d never actually voiced her concerns to anybody before about her relationship and she wondered why. Embarrassed perhaps? Did she want them to believe that somehow, despite being together for ten years they were still that same, smitten, giggly couple with their own secret world? Or did she think her moaning about Simon’s lack of enthusiasm would simply bore people? She could just see them now, rolling their eyes as she told them Simon had left the toilet seat up again. She couldn’t resist a giggle at the thought of it; it was just so unlike Grace to complain about things. She’d always been the sort of person to get on with it. She dealt with things alone, but perhaps she was to blame for letting Simon get away with treating her this way for far too long now? Had he taken advantage of her ‘no problem’ nature? Maybe, if it continued this way, there would be no going back.
Ten minutes later, Grace was walking into Tidemans admiring the beautiful gold and red Christmas decorations and pretty fairy lights, thinking about what presents she was going to buy everyone and knowing she’d have to start soon. They were spending Christmas day with Grace’s family and she couldn’t wait. Last year had been Simon’s turn for them to spend it with his family (they swapped every year so it was fair) and as much as Grace had enjoyed herself, she couldn’t help but feel Christmas just wasn’t the same when she wasn’t with her own parents and sister. It reminded her of being young again and she loved the thrill and excitement when everyone handed out their presents and drank Buck’s Fizz with their breakfast. It was the little things. She loved them all being together again and, she had to face it, she felt comfortable enough to just lay and snooze on the settee after her Christmas dinner at her parents’ house.
Just as she was thinking about some gorgeous new dresses she’d seen in the kids’ department that were perfect for her niece, Poppy, she spotted Rachel at the till. Grace knew instantly that something terrible had happened as her eyes swept over Rachel’s hunched shoulders, red, puffy eyes and pale complexion. It was their job to wear Pop Cosmetics make-up and to sell the products, and if Rachel hadn’t been able to face applying any make-up that day, then it must be serious. After all, it was a requirement to wear make-up, not an option.
‘Morning,’ Grace said hurriedly. ‘Rachel, are you okay? What’s happened?’
Rachel looked frail and fragile, as if she might easily break into a million pieces if Grace touched her. She looked ill. Grace watched in alarm as Rachel’s face screwed up and she reached out to hug her, worried that Rachel may crumple into a heap on the floor.
‘Mark broke up with me,’ Rachel sobbed. ‘He’s been having an affair with Bianca.’
Grace was stunned and she couldn’t conceal it, her mouth hanging open in horror. ‘What? You’re joking? Oh Rach, I’m so sorry. That’s just despicable. How on earth could they do this to you?’
Rachel rubbed her eyes with her fists roughly. ‘I just can’t believe it and I can’t stop crying. I’m heartbroken, Grace. I’m really, truly heartbroken and I’m fed up with crying. I’ve hardly slept, I’ve just cried all night long. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were no more tears left in me.’
Grace hugged her again tightly. ‘I bet you’re heartbroken. That’s completely understandable. I promise you’ll get through this though, Rachel. You’re so strong. Everything is going to be okay.’
Grace stood there listening as Rachel explained the story. When Judy, the store manager, came over with a concerned expression, telling them they needed to be at the morning meeting, Grace took control of the situation and asked if they could miss the meeting and just be ready in ten minutes when the store opened. Judy didn’t look too impressed, but Grace knew that she trusted her, so she accepted it would all be sorted and left them to it.
‘It’s just awful, Rach. I really can’t believe it. How dare Bianca still try to lie, even right at the end when you found Mark’s coat? She’s certainly no friend of yours,’ she tutted, shaking her head in disgust.
‘I just don’t know what to do,’ Rachel said helplessly. Her eyes were large and round and she looked like a young child who had lost her mum in the supermarket. ‘I’m back home with my parents and I just can’t believe it. They’re gutted for me, tip toeing around and constantly asking if I want cups of tea and I’ve only been there one night. The fact they’re being so nice to me just makes me feel worse; I feel like even more of a let-down.’
Grace frowned. ‘You are not a let-down, so stop saying that,’ she told her gently. ‘You were with the wrong man, that’s all. He’s shown his true colours. Thank goodness you’ve found out now rather than in a few years after marriage and a baby or something. You will be happy again, I promise. This pain is only temporary and I really do believe there’s someone a million times better out there for you.’
Rachel nodded. ‘I know I’ll get through this. I have no choice, but it’s so difficult. I really believed I’d be with him forever.’
Grace looked into the distance thoughtfully. ‘Can I be really honest with you?’ she ventured gin
gerly.
Rachel looked up at her and sniffed, ‘Of course you can.’
Grace hesitated, wondering how truthful she really should be. ‘It’s just, I know you say you loved Mark and I’m sure you do, but I could never really see you two together. I always felt like you hit a certain age, met Mark and just settled. He’s a nice guy, well maybe not so much now he’s cheated with your best friend—’ she snorted ‘—but I find him a bit … well … boring.’ There, she’d said it.
Rachel gave a light laugh, ‘Yes I suppose he is really, but he’s what I want. What I thought I wanted anyway.’
‘Exactly. He’s what you thought you wanted. But I don’t think he was ever the one at all. You’ve never really seemed that happy or excited with him. I remember what you were like with that guy Justin before you met Mark…’
‘Great, so now you’re reminding me of Justin who completely pied me after our date. Another rejection,’ she replied in mock annoyance with a glimmer of a smile.
‘Come on, you know what I’m saying. You’ve always talked about Mark like he was an old friend rather than your boyfriend and deep down, I think you know you weren’t really all that happy with him. Being happy with someone is what life is all about,’ Grace told her boldly. ‘Life is too short to be anything but.’ As Grace said the words, she thought of her own marriage. Was she happy with Simon? She hated to think it, but she wasn’t sure she really was anymore. He didn’t make her feel special. He completely shut her out when she tried to talk about it as though she was an annoying wasp buzzing round his head. How could she be giving this advice to Rachel, but living unhappily with her own husband? She was a hypocrite and she hated herself for it. A complete fraud.
Rachel looked down at the floor. ‘Perhaps you’re right.’
‘I am right. Let Mark and Bianca have each other! What a wonderful relationship they’re going to have, already built on deceit and lies. She’s actually done you a favour. Now come on, let me put some make-up on you. It’ll take time to feel better, of course it will, but I’m going to make sure you don’t scare off any of the customers in the meantime,’ Grace said, deadpan.
‘Cheeky cow!’ Rachel laughed loudly, softly punching Grace’s arm. ‘Thanks Grace. I didn’t have the energy to get ready today. I was scared I would cry all my make-up off. Talking to you has cheered me up though. Maybe I was just desperate to settle down? It’s all so confusing at the moment.’
‘Just no more crying,’ Grace reprimanded her like a school teacher. ‘I swear to you, you’re going to be fine.’
The day went by quickly, and Grace was pleased to see Rachel chatting enthusiastically to customers by the end of the afternoon and applying their make-up. She still had a sadness about her, her watery eyes gave it away, but the customers were completely oblivious which was the main thing. They were unaware she’d just had life turned upside down, and Grace admired her for it.
Grace’s own situation had been playing on her mind all day. She definitely still loved Simon, but she didn’t love their relationship. He’d changed towards her and no longer made her feel special and loved. He simply couldn’t be bothered with her, and Grace had finally decided that enough was enough; she wasn’t going to accept it anymore. As much as it killed her and broke her heart, they needed to separate. Grace feared their relationship would only get worse if she didn’t do something about it. The thought of being alone seemed much more pleasant than being constantly taken for granted. There was a lot to think about still. Where would she stay? Or would he move out? But Grace had made her mind up. Everything she’d said to Rachel had been a wakeup call to herself.
Simon was already home from work when Grace walked through the door. She loved their house and felt sick at the thought of not living there should she be the one to go. She remembered when they’d seen it online and Simon had turned his nose up.
‘Needs loads of work done. Can you imagine how long it would take to get that place looking nice?’
But Grace could imagine, and there was something inside her telling her that the two-bedroom cottage was for them. It was such a reasonable price too, and Grace knew how much she’d love decorating and renovating it. Simon had thought she was crazy at first when she told him she wanted to go for it. She’d told him they could knock the wall down between the kitchen and dining room so it was open plan, and change the back door into bifold doors opening out into the garden (which was a complete mess, but they could fix it!). She could just imagine them hosting barbeques in the garden with their friends and family in the summer whilst pouring jugs of ice-cold Pimm’s.
When Simon had listened to her ideas about what to change, he’d turned to her and said, ‘How can I say no to that little happy face?’ and kissed her on the nose. Grace could remember it like yesterday, but the idea of Simon looking at her in that way again seemed like a lifetime ago. It just never happened anymore. Now, it was easy for him to say no.
Grace walked into the lounge where Simon was sitting watching the television.
‘Oh, there you are,’ he said, quickly glancing up and then looking straight back at the television, ‘I was going to call you earlier, but I must have been distracted at work. Look, I know we’re supposed to be going to your sister’s for Christmas, but I was talking to Mum today and she said she can’t see us Boxing Day as they’re going out with June and Charlie. God knows where, some restaurant I think she said. So I said we’ll go there instead.’
Grace sighed. She was angry that he thought it was acceptable to change Christmas Day plans without consulting her, especially when it was her family’s turn to spend Christmas Day with them and he knew how much she’d been looking forward to it. Not that any of it mattered now with what she was about to do, but still. This was so Simon. Years ago, he’d never have said something like this. Years ago, Grace had been the most important person to him. Her feelings had come first. Now he just seemed to do what he liked without a second thought for her.
‘Simon, I really need to talk to you. Can you please turn off the television?’
He glanced up again. ‘Is it urgent? I’m listening to this.’ He nodded towards the news showing on the screen. ‘What do we have for dinner by the way? I’m starving.’
Grace calmly picked up the remote control next to him and switched it off.
‘Alright, there’s no need to do that,’ he huffed loudly.
‘I need to talk and yes, it’s urgent,’ Grace stated authoritatively, her heart beating ridiculously fast.
Simon sat up, looking at her in confusion as she sat opposite him on the sofa with her head in her hands. This didn’t feel real. Grace felt silly being so serious, as though she was pretending to be the kind of woman to break up from her husband. Grace was the type of woman to say she loved an awful haircut to the hairdresser, she drank her cold coffee in Costa and she got nervous returning items back to the store, even though they were poor quality and had fallen apart after one wear. It just wasn’t like Grace to do something this drastic, but it was about time she stood up for herself. She had no choice. She had married for life; it hadn’t been a decision she’d taken lightly, but this wasn’t the marriage she’d signed up for.
‘I don’t feel happy anymore, Simon,’ she told him, staring at him intently.
The room was quiet and still.
Grace cleared her throat and continued. ‘I don’t feel appreciated, or even loved by you. You used to be all over me, and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, but it’s changed. You’ve changed. I feel like you just expect me to cook and clean for you, you never offer to help with anything. You never want to go out with me either, but you have no trouble going out with your friends. There’s no passion between us anymore. It’s like you’re bored and complacent, and it doesn’t feel nice for me. And I’ve tried to talk to you—’ she played with her hair awkwardly ‘—but you just roll your eyes. You won’t ever discuss anything. You just tell me I’m creating unnecessary problems and I’m not.’
Simon
exhaled sharply. ‘I’ll change, okay, I’ll do my best. I’m not perfect, I know that. I do love you and maybe I don’t show it enough. I’m sorry. Can we not just move on from this?’ He looked at her as though she was being unreasonable distracting him from the news. He didn’t grasp quite how serious Grace was about this.
Grace shook her head. ‘No, Simon, we clearly can’t. We’ve had this discussion before and it’s just not getting through to you, is it? I don’t know what I want anymore, but I know it’s not good for either of us to continue in this marriage the way it is. I want to split up,’ she announced confidently. Now her mind was made up, she wasn’t going to change it.
Simon raised his eyebrows and looked at the floor in disbelief. ‘You want a divorce?’ he questioned in surprise. ‘Things aren’t that bad, for God’s sake.’
‘They are to me,’ Grace replied sadly.
‘Oh, come on Grace, it’s not like I beat you or treat you badly.’ He clicked his tongue as if she was going over the top. Making a fuss over nothing.
Grace frowned. ‘You don’t treat me well. I shouldn’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage just because you don’t beat me.’ She shook her head, focusing on a tiny black stain on the grey fabric sofa.
‘I’m not saying that…’
‘I need to be alone, Simon. I’m sorry. I’ve made up my mind. Things haven’t been right here for ages, and you know it.’
Simon took deep breaths as it finally dawned on him that she truly meant it this time. ‘I do love you, Grace.’
‘If you love me then you’ll let me go,’ she told him, her eyes burning with tears. She felt like someone was strangling her, all hot and clammy. She removed her cardigan.
