by HJ Bellus
“Please get my momma.”
Nobody moves.
“I need my momma,” I yell it this time while closing my eyes tight.
Several long moments of silence drift by without anyone moving.
“Out,” Guy roars. “I said to get the fuck out and get her a new fucking nurse now.”
His voice is so loud and overpowering it vibrates my bones.
“Guy…” Mae starts.
But he cuts her off. “Out or I’ll have your Goddamn job.”
I hear the click of her nurse shoes race out the door.
“I forgot my cellphone.”
I look over to see my momma rushing back into the room. I wail when I see her losing everything left inside of me.
“Momma, I need you. I need you.”
She rushes over to my side and doesn’t even wince when she sees the vomit all over me soaking through the bedding and hospital gown.
“What happened?” She asks.
“Momma,” I cry out.
She turns to Guy. “I think you need to leave right now, please. Wait out in the hall and I’ll come and get you.”
I throw my good arm over my face not wanting to make eye contact with him. When I hear the door shut, I finally open my eyes and look up to my momma.
“Mae just told Guy about the pregnancy.”
“Oh, sweetie.” She brushes my hair back. “You never told him?”
I shake my head from side-to-side hurting even more realizing what I’ve just done.
“He wouldn’t talk to me when he came home and then everything was going so great…”
“Ssshhh. It will all work out, baby.” She leans over and kisses my forehead. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
She presses the call button for a nurse and then goes about peeling back the blankets, balling them up, and tossing them on the floor. She has me sitting upright before the door opens again. I’m relieved when the nurse isn’t Mae.
“Oh no, hun. What happened?” The older nurse asks.
Momma Bear comes out to play. My momma turns to her and lets her have it. “Mae happened. She came in here and upset my daughter divulging confidential information. That woman is not allowed in here again. I’ll be staying here tonight to make damn sure of that.”
The nurse is taken aback by Momma’s outburst. I gently squeeze her hand hoping to calm her down. It’s not this poor lady’s fault that Mae is a raging thundercunt that needs railed by a very dry cactus.
The nurse fumbles for words. “She didn’t get you a bedpan to help you?”
I shake my head no. “I’d just like to get cleaned up and back to sleep please.”
The nurse and my momma get me into a standing position. My entire body comes back to life with pain. Severe pain that makes it nearly impossible to stand on my own two feet and my rubbery legs don’t help matters.
The nurse bustles about getting fresh sheets and a new nightgown while my momma basically sponge bathes me. Her fingers work nimbly over my skin wiping away the nasty memory.
“What if I lost him, Momma?” I whisper it so softly only she could hear.
“It will work out.”
She reassures me until she has me tucked back into bed in fresh, warm sheets. My shivering body bolted with ice welcomes the feel of the heated cotton. My chin chatters as I try to control the chill racing through me.
“Can I come in?” I look over to Guy standing in the door.
I don’t answer him, but my momma nods. The nurse excuses herself, but not before writing instructions on the whiteboard at the bottom of my bed.
With my momma on one side of me holding my hand and Guy on the other side of me clutching my other hand, I take the chicken route and peer up at the ceiling.
“Molly.” My mother urges me on.
I roll my head to her side. “Wait, how do you know?”
“Grandpa told your father and me. It’s okay, Hop. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
I still don’t have enough courage to look over to Guy, but I begin to talk. “Remember when Amos thought I was constipated.”
Just saying those words make me giggle at the most inappropriate time. Thanks, asshole brother.
“Yes,” Guy says.
“I…uh…”
“Molly, look at me.” Guy cups my chin urging my face to him.
I feel my mother squeeze my hand tightly in hers giving me all of her bravery.
“I got really sick that night. I went to the hospital and found out that I was pregnant. It was a tubal and nothing could be done, but surgery. Grandpa came and sat with me all night. I never had the chance to tell you.”
I pause catching my breath. “When you came home you wouldn’t talk to me and then everything was falling into place. I didn’t think it mattered, but now I realize I was completely wrong.”
Guy drops to his knees still holding my hand. His forehead bounces off the rail of the bed. “Jesus, Molly.”
I squeeze my eyes shut waiting for the fall out. The anticipation of that pain is more overwhelming than any other injuries in this moment.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
It’s all I have to offer him.
He raises his head. “You think I’m mad?”
I nod at him.
He shakes his head from side-to-side. “I’m processing. I’m hurt. I feel like a motherfuckering bastard for not being there for you. Jesus, Molly, how could I be mad? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I didn’t tell you.” The words barely fall off my lips.
“Stop, Molly.” He reaches out and touches my face.
To me, it feels cold because of what I kept from him.
“It’s both our faults. I should’ve talked to you when I got home.”
“I couldn’t tell you when you were deployed.”
“Stop.” He cups my face tighter. “We need to process and grieve this together. It’s an us problem.”
I nod, unable to talk. I’m shocked at his reaction. My eyelids grow heavy and my body is beyond exhausted from being pushed to its limits in every possible way.
“I love you,” I whisper.
He bends down placing a kiss on my forehead. I squeeze my momma’s hand tightly.
“Will you both please stay with me tonight?”
I drift off to sleep before getting a reply from either of them, but I know they are there. It’s what family does.
25
Guy
“Oh sure, you’re smart. Sesame Street smart.” -Amos
The steady hum of the tattoo gun lulls me to sleep. Patch is working on a new piece on my bare arm. I’ve worked on half of my body being inked and left the other half bare. It’s symbolic to the two lives I’ve led.
But today, I’m having the bare piece inked. It was me before leaving for war. The me who was in love with Molly Marshall for as long as I could remember. It was going to be a piece of art representing the person I use to be and the beautiful baby taken from me and Molly.
I’d be lying if the fact Molly was pregnant and had lost the baby didn’t shatter me. It was beyond devastating, but I’m coping. The hurt and pain in her eyes crushed me. She’d dealt with it all on her own to protect me, then I came home all fucked up. I left her alone to deal with Amos’ death. It all crushed me beyond belief.
“All done, big guy,” Patch announces.
I look into the mirror and see the three outlines of birds grouped together. It’s not manly at all, but that’s not the focus. It’s Molly, the baby, and I together as one like it should’ve been.
I had no damn idea what a tubal pregnancy was until doing some research. I get the fact it was nobody’s fault and nothing could’ve stopped it. But that fact didn’t stop the what if’s and what could have been invading my mind. Hell, I wasn’t even the person who had to have the baby extracted from my body. It was all Molly.
“Thanks, man,” I slap Patch on the arm.
“You getting closer to your first ink, big guy?”
I f
ind it funny he of all people call me big guy. Patch and I are the same height at over six feet. I’m in better condition than him by far, but I’d still never willingly take him on in an alley brawl. He too is a vet and the man who has been my best friend since returning.
“Getting there.” I offer him.
“See you tomorrow night.”
I walk out into the night air and wonder if Molly has come back home. I let out a sardonic laugh because a fucking room in a barn is far from a home. I’ve just purchased an old farmhouse that borders the ranch. Before buying it, I clocked the distance and it’s exactly under a half a mile from Molly’s parents and Grandpa’s house.
It will take a lot of work to get into living conditions, but little by little I’ve been restoring all the important parts like the flooring, sinks, toilets, and appliances. Grandpa gave me some good advice and told me to let Molly deal with painting and decorating it. I had originally wanted to have it complete when showing her.
Like in those cheesy-ass romantic movies where the hero walks in the love of his life blindfolded and all. Then commence love making by the burning fireplace on a bear rug. Jesus, my balls are shrinking just thinking of it.
The last week has been hell and almost like starting all over again. Molly has been staying up in her childhood bedroom. Her momma reassured me over and over that she just needed time to process everything. Molly never had the time to fully grieve our loss and accept what happened.
I’m one tough motherfucker and have been through hell and back, but watching her hurt and not being able to fix it for her is true fucking pain. I never want to see her in this state again. She deserves the fucking world and I plan on being the one to give her that.
Hell, I even miss the fleabag and that’s saying a whole hell of a lot. I kill the engine in front of the barn. Royal Atlas is stomping circles in his stall. The horse has endless energy and I know it stems from him roaming free on the range. If it wasn’t for his injury he’d still be out there running wild in his environment, but he’s been forced into a brand new area.
It’s been a challenge to say the least, but the reward is sweeter than anything else.
“Hey, boy.” I walk up slowly to his stall.
Instead of spooking and kicking at the wood walls, he slowly eases up to me surely looking for a treat. He throws his head back and forth neighing his disapproval.
“Okay, okay.” I grab a halter.
I’m able to catch him without much hassle. He follows me outside even though it’s dark. The yard lights light up the round pen enough for me to exercise him. He doesn’t flinch or even jump back when I open the creaky gate. He opens into a trot as soon as he’s in the pen. I stand in the middle letting him work circles around me.
I keep ahold of the end of the rope while he exercises, only pivoting when it’s time to turn in my own three hundred sixty degree angle. We have an electric exercise machine for the horses, but I don’t want the sounds of a new environment to spook him.
Royal Atlas runs until he’s exhausted and dripping wet with sweat. I take advantage of this moment to test throwing a saddle blanket on his back. I let him smell it before slowly putting it on. He flinches, but soon settles in. I’m not ready to push it with a saddle yet, so I change out the halter, and then take him back to the stall.
I make sure he has fresh water and hay and feed him his treat. He doesn’t even stall before nibbling it out of my hand. I’m bone tired, but feel like my world is complete, with the exception of my girl hurting all alone.
I throw my boots off and walk into my room flipping on the light. My eyes immediately go to the bed and the sweet angel curled up in my sheets. Her arm is still wrapped in a cast with her curly, dark hair cascading over the sheets. In a rush, I flip the switch off before disturbing her. The emotions running through me are suffocating, nearly knocking me down to my knees.
The image of her and the fact she’s in my bed is just too much. The same rush I felt on the war field and the scariest parts of my life, all culminate together making me dizzy. I’ll never lose this girl.
I take a quick and quiet shower making sure not to wake Molly. She’s still sleeping when I slip into bed with her. She rustles in her sleep while cuddling into the front of my chest. My arms automatically wrap around pulling her into me as close as she can get.
“I’m sorry, Guy, so sorry.”
Correcting hasn’t been working, so I let her feel it. It’s the one thing I’ve learned in life…you have to feel it to be able to live again.
“I know, sweet girl.” I kiss the top of her head. “I’m here and always will be here for you.”
“I thought I’d lost you when Mae opened her mouth. I can’t explain, but I wanted to die. Without you, I can’t live and I know it sounds so dumb, but it’s true.”
I smile. “It’s the truth, Hop and has been since we were young kids. It’s always meant to be.”
“Thank you for giving me time.”
“Always. But neither of us are allowed to run.”
“Okay.”
“I got a saddle blanket on Royal Atlas.”
That makes her head pop up. “You did?”
“Yes. And I got this.” I turn slightly so the sliver of moonlight shining through the window lights up the three birds.
Molly runs the pads of her fingers over the flock. “What is it?”
“It’s us and our baby.”
She breaks into complete sobs and I just hold her until we both fall asleep.
26
Guy
“Weddings make me horny unless it’s my sister’s big day then I shrivel.” -Amos
I’m two seconds and one more wedding question away from sweeping Molly off to Vegas for a weekend wedding. How in the hell a small ranch wedding could turn into this I’ll never know. Molly is at the same breaking point as I am, but humors her momma.
“Let’s go.” I lace up my boots.
“Where? I’m exhausted.” Molly flops back on the bed.
“Surprise.”
“I want a surprise in bed,” she complains.
We’d just finished dinner with the family and went over the final details of the wedding. Molly’s mom had her try on her dress one more time. I’d harassed the girls by knocking on the door. I thought Momma was going to try and pull out her wooden spoon. The flowers for the wedding will be delivered tomorrow along with the rest of the shit. The only thing I’m concerned with is saying I do and giving Molly my last name.
“Later.” I pull her out of the bed and wait for her to slip on some flip-flops.
Normally, I’d lecture Molly on leaving the house in yoga pants and a tight tank. We’ve gone rounds about yoga pants. I think they’re way too sexy and inappropriate for public while Molly claims they’re comfortable and totally appropriate. I have to remind her she doesn’t see the men checking out her perfect ass. I’ve come to the conclusion she likes it when I growl like an animal at the other men.
She lays her head on my shoulder as I drive through town to our surprise.
“How’s your arm feel, baby?”
“Tender and achy, but damn good to have that cast off.”
“The real job starts now.”
“Eh?” She peers up at me.
“Keeping you away from the barn.”
“Good luck with that, tiger.”
“No shit.” I pull into the parking lot of the tattoo shop.
Molly stirs next to me as her eyes light up.
“Are you ready?” I ask.
She nervously nods. I made sure we’d be the only ones in here. This is beyond special and I want it to be intimate.
“I guess,” she responds apprehensively.
We walk into the parlor hand in hand. I don’t let go of her while digging the key out of my pocket and unlocking the door. We make our way silently back to my new station. It’s virgin and ready to ink skin.
“Okay, sit down.”
Molly sits on the black chair. I reach down and pull
her white tank over her head. Goosebumps race all over her skin and I know it’s not from the temperature in the room. I pull her up to a standing position until we’re chest to chest. My arms hug her to me. Our lips meet and I kiss her hard just letting her know how damn special this is going to be.
My tongue darts out while her lips part naturally for me. I spend time making love to her mouth until I’m forced to pull back due to my raging dick. It’s taking all the power inside me not to take her right here and now.
I painfully pull back from her. “Molly, you don’t have to do this.”
She doesn’t answer with words, but reaches behind her back unclasping her bra and letting it drop to the floor. She bites her bottom lip and nods to me. I lay a blanket down on the flat table making sure she’ll be comfortable for this. I help her down, but before stepping back from her I run a trail of kisses down her spine and sweep her hair to the side.
As I sit down on my chair and ready my station I know she’s studying me. Her arms are under her right cheek while she watches me.
“Baby, let me know when it gets too painful. We can take our time.”
“I’m ready, Guy.”
I prepare her skin for the outline of the tattoo. It takes me several minutes to make sure I have the outline perfectly placed between her shoulder blades. I analyze it from every angle to make sure it’s perfect. With her permission, I fire up the tattoo gun, but have to take a second to steady my hand before I begin.
I get lost in the sensation of tattooing Molly. My mind is free from demons. I feel free from all of it, as I get lost in my artwork. When I finally look down at Molly between wipes, her eyelids have fluttered closed and her breathing is light and rhythmic. Our shattered elements have tumbled together into one stunning masterpiece.
It’s me who has to stop and take a break. I stand up to stretch and work out the tension in my shoulders and neck before I begin the color. Molly doesn’t stir. I’ve heard of some clients who fall asleep during a tattoo, but out of all the ones I’ve had done I’ve never been close to slumber. No, I relished in the light torture of pain while being inked.
