Let Me In

by Parker, Ali

  I liked feeling her warm breath brush across my chest. I liked hearing her steady breathing. I didn’t even mind the little bit of drool I could feel on my bare chest. It was all part of who she was. As it turned out, I really liked who she was.

  It was dangerous. I knew it was a huge risk, but I felt myself falling for her a little more every time I spent time with her. She was so much more than a beautiful woman to me. She was becoming my other half. She was the person I wanted to talk to about anything that excited me and things that happened during my day.

  What was supposed to be a casual relationship was morphing into something much more real. I had real feelings for her. I wasn’t sure what to think about it or how to process it. I didn’t want to do anything that pushed her away. I knew that for sure. I wanted to try to make things work between us.

  “You’re awake,” she murmured, lifting her head and wiping her mouth.

  “I am. Just for a couple minutes.”

  “Was I snoring?”

  “Nope.”

  She turned her face to look up at me. “Are you lying?”

  I leaned forward to kiss the tip of her nose. “No.”

  She settled back against my chest. “Good.”

  “Are you hungry?”

  “I could use some coffee.”

  “I’ll order room service. Do you want some fruit? Toast? A big breakfast spread?”

  She pulled away, resting her head on the pillow next to mine. “I’m cool with whatever you want.”

  I turned my head to look at her. “I will tell you what I want, but it doesn’t come from room service.”

  She slapped at my chest. “You have to feed me first. I’m not even sure I can move.”

  “You can move, baby. Trust me. You can move.”

  “Food,” she said with a laugh before crawling out of bed and walking nude to the bathroom.

  I ordered room service for us, suddenly hungry. Then I stepped out on the balcony in just my underwear and inhaled the fresh air. It was a little chilly, but it was wonderfully refreshing.

  “There you are,” Evie said. She stepped behind me, wrapping her arms around me and resting her face against my back.

  “I like the air here,” I told her.

  “Isn’t it the same air?”

  “It feels cleaner.”

  She pulled away from me. I turned to look at her in the fluffy white robe that had been hanging on the back of the door.

  “If you say so,” she said.

  “Room service will be here soon. I’m going to grab a quick shower.”

  “Okay.”

  The atmosphere shifted between us. It wasn’t that it was an awkward morning-after scenario. It was the upcoming talk. I knew there were some things that needed to be said. I wasn’t looking forward to the saying of those things.

  When I walked out of the bedroom, she was sitting at the small table in the room with several plates of food. “It smells good,” I commented.

  She sipped her coffee. “It is so good.”

  I sat down and lifted the dome from my plate. The fluffy pancakes, scrambled eggs, and crispy bacon all looked amazing. I dumped syrup over the pancakes and took the first bite.

  “When is your flight?” I asked casually.

  “Three. What about you? Did you buy a round trip?”

  I couldn’t look at her. “No.”

  “When are you going back?”

  “I’m not.”

  Time froze. “You’re not?”

  “No.”

  “What about your business? Your house? Your boat and car?”

  I shrugged. “The house is being closed up and will be going on the market soon. I’m mooring the boat at a marina. It will stay there. I’ll call someone to get the car.”

  “And your business? All the work you’ve been doing the last few weeks. What about that?”

  “I don’t know. I can work from anywhere.” I finally forced myself to look at her. The pain and disappointment I saw there hurt me.

  “Why?” she asked.

  “I can’t go back there. It’s tainted. Everywhere I look in my house, I see him. I remember the exact spot he stood on the patio. I remember him sitting in one of the chairs by the pool. I remember him sleeping in that bedroom.”

  “I understand that, but that is part of grief. Those reminders don’t have to be bad things.”

  “It’s like living with a ghost. I can’t be there.”

  “What will you do?”

  It was a good question. A great question. It was too bad I didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

  “Maybe you just need a week or two to process all of this,” she suggested.

  “I’ve processed it,” I told her. “I don’t want to go back.”

  “Do you plan to stay here? With your father?”

  I shuddered at the thought. “No. I don’t know. There are memories here as well, but they’re not nearly as sharp as the ones from my house.”

  She pushed her plate away. My news had stolen her appetite apparently. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Honestly, neither do I. But I can’t be there. It’s not my home anymore.”

  “You could buy a new house. With your money, you could buy any house you wanted.”

  “True, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’m not sure I want to be there anymore. I’m not sure about anything anymore.”

  She was quiet for a while. “I get it. I understand you are going through something. Can I ask you to do one thing?”

  “What is it?”

  “Don’t make any rash decisions just yet. Don’t sell your house. I’m not saying you need to come back right away but give yourself some time.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “My life is in San Diego,” she said. “Not that it matters, but I guess you will know where to find me if you ever want to talk.”

  “Evie, this doesn’t have to end between us,” I blurted out.

  “I live there. My father is there. My job is there. That’s where I need to be. I understand you don’t want to be there. I won’t ask you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

  “I’ll make this work,” I told her. “I don’t want this to be over. I want you to be a part of my life.”

  She offered a small smile. “You know where to find me.”

  “I do.”

  I wasn’t sure how I would make it work. I had heard all the stories about long-distance relationships and the fact they rarely worked. I couldn’t imagine it working with the newness of our relationship. We didn’t even technically have a relationship. At least not one we had discussed or figured out. It all felt very fluid, like we were just going with the flow.

  She checked the time. “I should probably get back to my hotel. I want to shower before I go to the airport.”

  “I’ll take you,” I told her.

  “To the airport?”

  “Your hotel,” I answered.

  “Thanks.”

  She walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind her, a clear signal she didn’t want me in there.

  I’d fucked up a good thing. I knew it but I couldn’t change it. Well, I could change it but that would mean going back home and facing memories I didn’t want to deal with. Not yet.

  I drove her to her hotel, and instead of leaving her at the front, I followed her up to her room.

  “Can I wait?” I asked when she grabbed a change of clothes to head into the bathroom.

  She offered a smile. “Yes, of course.”

  I found myself pacing the room. This was a pivotal moment in my life. I could feel it, and while I was pulled toward the option of going back to California, my mind was made up. I couldn’t go back. I knew what waited for me there and I didn’t want to deal with it.

  “Feel better?” I asked when she came out of the bathroom looking fresh and clean and perfectly delectable. I couldn’t touch her. Once I got started, I wouldn’t be able to st
op, and she would miss her flight.

  “Much better,” she said with a sigh. We were both trying too hard. It was stilted and awkward and I didn’t know how to fix it.

  She grabbed her suitcase and began to pack.

  “Do you have events this weekend?” I asked her. I was trying to make small talk. I was trying to hold on to a connection to her. I could practically see the tenuous connection between us fraying with every passing second.

  “I’m not sure. I cleared my schedule, but I might check in on things.”

  “Will you call me when you get home?”

  She glanced at me over her shoulder. “Will you answer?”

  I deserved that. “Yes.”

  She sighed, dropping the shirt she had been folding into the suitcase and turning to face me. “I am not going to ask you to come home, but I have to ask one more time. Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

  “It is. I can’t go back there.”

  She gave a brief nod. “Okay.”

  She turned back around and finished packing. I watched as she did the usual sweep of the room to make sure she didn’t forget anything. I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I should leave. I should go back to the hotel and let her go.

  “Are you flying out of Portland?” I asked, stalling for time. I already knew the answer.

  “Yes, and I should probably get a move on.”

  I stared at her, drinking in the sight of her, committing every detail to memory. I had a sinking feeling it could be the last time I saw her. I walked to her and pulled her into my arms. I held her for several minutes. Neither of us spoke. There was so much to say and yet nothing to say.

  “Call me,” I said when I finally released her.

  “I will.”

  I grabbed her suitcase while she grabbed her purse and laptop case. I walked her to her car and waved as she pulled away. I stood staring at the back of the car until I couldn’t see it anymore. She was gone. Just like that, I was all alone again.

  With a heavy sigh and a heavier heart, I walked back to my car and drove back to the hotel I was calling home. I had no idea what I was going to do. I felt adrift. I was lost at sea with no idea where land was. I didn’t know where I was going to land next or where I wanted to be. Living in town with my father was not an option. The place was too small, and we would end up running into each other.

  Oddly enough, I ran away from home to get away from the memory of Kade but I didn’t want to leave Oregon because it was where he was. Once I left, it was over. He was well and truly gone. In that moment, I felt completely alone. I went back to my hotel room and looked around at the dishes still sitting on the table. I could smell her in the room.

  Maybe I would change rooms. I didn’t have any more room in my head for memories and regrets. I wasn’t sure I could deal with constant reminders of someone else I’d lost.

  Chapter 54

  Evie

  The plane jerked as the wheels hit the runway, signaling I was back home after a minor delay in Portland. I was anxious to get home and to the safety of my apartment. I needed my safe place. I wanted to be wrapped up in the things that made me feel safe and comfortable. It was hard to leave him behind. He said he wanted to make it work, but that was impossible.

  My life was in California. My work kept me busy. It wouldn’t make a lot of sense to fly back and forth to Portland or wherever he ended up going. I’d fought for him. I’d tried. Xander had some things to work through and there was nothing more I could do to help him do that.

  I texted Nelle to let her know the plane landed. She was already waiting for me.

  “Hi,” she greeted me when I made my way to the baggage collection area.

  “Hi.”

  “You don’t look happy.”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “I took the night off. We’ll go back to your place and you can tell me everything over a glass or five of wine.”

  “Yes, please,” I groaned.

  Thirty minutes later, we were sitting on my couch, shoes off, candles burning, and full wine glasses in hand. “Tell me what happened.”

  I said a phrase that was becoming a little too familiar. “He’s gone.”

  “Will you please stop saying that?” she snapped. “I know he isn’t dead, but the way you say it makes it sound like he is.”

  “He’s not coming back,” I clarified.

  She shook her head, clearly not getting it. “What do you mean?”

  “He is selling his house. He isn’t coming back to California.”

  “What?!” she shrieked. “Why? Where is he going? What did you do to the man?”

  “I didn’t do anything,” I retorted. “Apparently when he fled here like a thief in the night over the weekend, that was his plan. He has no intention of coming back.”

  “Why? He has everything here.”

  “I know,” I said. “That’s what I tried to tell him. He doesn’t want to be here with memories of his brother haunting him. The last place he saw his brother was here and it haunts him.”

  She slowly nodded. “I get that, but you would think he would want those memories.”

  “I guess not everyone likes to live with a ghost.”

  “What does that mean for you guys?” she softly asked the question I had yet to figure out the answer to.

  “I don’t know. He says he wants to make it work but we both know it won’t. He doesn’t even know where he is going to land. He’s kind of lost and drifting.”

  “Why don’t you go with him?”

  I almost choked on his wine. “Well, for starters, he didn’t invite me. Then there’s the fact I work here. My job that I have worked very hard at is here. My dad is here. My life is here. I’m not running from any ghosts.”

  “But I thought we established you were into this guy,” she said. “Isn’t he worth fighting for?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Uh uh. No way. You don’t get to put that on me again. I fought for him. I chased him down, after breaking several laws by the way. I did what I could. I was there for him. I let him know I was here. I have done everything short of shackle myself to him and I have a tiny bit of dignity left. I’m not going to do that.”

  “He’s a stubborn guy,” she reasoned. “He needs a little more convincing.”

  “I don’t think he has it in him. He’s made up his mind. He knows exactly what he is leaving behind.”

  “Maybe he didn’t ask you to go with him because he didn’t think you would want to,” she suggested.

  “I don’t want to go with him. I have a job. A job I love. A job I have worked very hard to get to where I am at. I am not going to give all of that up.”

  She sipped her wine. I could practically see the little wheels in her brain turning. “If you give up everything to be with him and he wants you to be with him, I don’t think you need to worry about working. He’s ridiculously rich. Why would you work?”

  “I am not going to mooch off him,” I said.

  “You wouldn’t be mooching. It’s a couple thing. Do you mean to tell me if things work out, you would insist on paying half the rent?”

  “Well, no, but that would be different.”

  “How?”

  “Because we would be a couple,” I answered and then shook my head. “No, I don’t even know if I could do it then. I just don’t know.”

  “He has enough money to ensure your grandkids wouldn’t have to work. You cannot tell me that isn’t just a little appealing. I’m not saying you are after him for his money, but this is the real world. It’s natural to want a man that can take care of you. A man that works hard and is financially secure is becoming harder and harder to find. I don’t think you want to let this one get away.”

  “Yes, financial security is a bonus, but it isn’t a motivating factor. I make decent money and I like what I do. I love working. I wouldn’t want to quit.”

  “Here’s a little secret for you,” she said as she leaned forward. “People like to party. Every state, ev
ery country, people party.”

  “What’s your point?”

  “You could start your own company and be a party planner wherever you are. I bet your lovely man would be more than happy to make a financial investment in your company. This might be your chance to do the one thing I know you have wanted for a long time.”

  “What would that be?”

  “To start your own company,” she answered.

  I did want to start my own company. “But my reputation is here in southern California. I have developed connections here. If I had to go somewhere else, it would be starting over. I would have nothing. No clients. No reputation. No anything.”

  “Everyone has to start somewhere.”

  “But I did already start. My dream is to start my own company here.”

  She waved a hand. “If you go somewhere else, you wouldn’t have to compete with your current employer. You wouldn’t have to worry about noncompete clauses and all that crap.”

  She had a good point. “I don’t know. I went up there to be with him. I assumed he would be coming back either with me or shortly after. I never expected to be presented with something that could completely alter my entire life.”

  “Opportunities rarely send an advanced warning. They drop in your lap when you least expect it. This could be a huge opportunity for you.”

  “I think we are getting way ahead of ourselves,” I said. “He hasn’t even suggested we sail around the world or move to Bermuda or wherever he is planning on going. He could be done with this. It was kind of weird, but when we said goodbye, I got the feeling it was a goodbye goodbye. He said the right words, but I saw it in his eyes.”

  She popped out her bottom lip. “I’m sorry. I hope that isn’t the case. I know he cares about you and you are madly in love with him.”

  “I am—” I was going to say I wasn’t, but that would be a lie. “I am. I’m so screwed. I fell in love with a guy at the worst possible time in his life. I sure know how to pick them.”

  “Sometimes, things look bleakest just before they shine bright.”