by Parker, Ali
“It is not dumb. We are all entitled to our feelings.”
I groaned, rolling my eyes. “I don’t need my head shrunk.”
She laughed softly. “I won’t try to shrink your head. That would require a professional with a lot of experience to sort through all of that.”
“You are right. I was hoping we could avoid the subject altogether. Hence my desire to do something fun and completely unrelated to the real problems I’m facing.”
“What did you have in mind?” she asked.
“Do you want to play tourist?” I asked.
“And what would that entail?”
I shrugged. “I was thinking we could go down to the boardwalk, check out the aquarium, and just hang out on the beach. Or maybe we could drive up to LA. We could visit Hollywood and really play tourist.”
“I’ve been to the boardwalk a few thousand times, but I’ve never been to Hollywood.”
“No way, really?”
“Really. It’s not exactly my dad’s thing. I have thought about going a few times but then I always feel so cheesy. Then I tell myself I don’t have the time and I end up not going.”
“Then, let’s do it,” I said with finality. “Charge your phone. We want to make sure we are ready to snap pictures of any celebs we might see.”
“They don’t actually hang out in Hollywood, do they?”
I shrugged. “I guess we’re about to find out.”
She clapped her hands together. “I’m excited. This is a first for me. Do you want me to drive?”
“I have my car,” I told her.
She raised an eyebrow. “I thought you were selling it?”
“I didn’t actually do it. Yet. I will probably store it or something. I don’t know yet.” Yes, I was indecisive. I couldn’t pull the trigger on anything. Fortunately, I didn’t have to. I could afford to let things ride for a while.
“And your house?”
“It’s still there,” I teased.
“All right, I get it. You don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m sorry. It’s probably not the healthiest option but I need to put it all out of my mind for a while. I don’t want to think.”
She offered me a small smile and gave me a quick kiss. “Then that will be the goal for today. You will be a mindless puppet with zero thinking required.”
A little over an hour later, we were parking the car in an overpriced lot. I took her hand in mine and we found ourselves almost immediately absorbed in a crowd of people. After about an hour of mingling with the crowd, we broke off and found a small café for us to grab a snack and a drink.
“I’m glad you and your dad are talking again. I hated thinking you guys were at odds because of me.”
“We’re good,” she said. “Trust me. I don’t want to pry, but can you give me a hint about what happened between you and your dad?”
“I was born,” I said dryly.
“Stop,” she said. “For real, what happened? Were you especially rebellious in high school?”
“Not really. I’m serious. I cannot name any one specific moment in my life that led to his dislike for me. It was kind of a gradual thing from the moment I was born. That is the honest truth.”
“You are not a bad person,” she insisted. “I don’t get it.”
“I truly believe it is because I didn’t want to go into the military. He had this idea in his head that’s what I was going to do. It was never an option. I was born and I was going into the service in eighteen years. Period. When I started talking about college and stuff like that, he didn’t think I was serious. I disappointed him. My mom kind of buffered our relationship. She kept it at a place where we could at least be in the same room. When she died, it was Kade who filled in as mediator.”
“I am so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” I told her. “It’s old news.”
“It might be old news but that does not make it okay.”
“I think I have accepted it. I don’t really think about it much. I was trying to keep things cool for Kade. I don’t have to fake it anymore. Kade isn’t here to try and make us a happy trio. I’m not going to go fishing with him. I’m not going to grab a beer with him. There is nothing more.”
“Did Kade want you guys to work things out?”
“Yes,” I answered. “He did.”
“Do you think you should try for his sake?”
I smirked. “No. I think you saw how that would work out. Fireworks would be putting it mildly.”
“It was a tense situation.”
“That’s how it is in every situation with him. Kade was the guy that settled my dad. He could reason with him. He could manage us. It was strange. I can’t imagine how stressful and exhausting that was for him to deal with. If I could, I would apologize to him. I would tell him how sorry I was I forced him to be a referee. He didn’t deserve that.”
“Do you think there is ever a chance the two of you could find some common ground?” she questioned.
“No. I wish there was a chance. I just don’t see it happening. I admire what you have with your father but what you have is special and unique. I’m not the only person in the world who doesn’t have a relationship with their family. Sometimes, blood isn’t enough. We might be related but we couldn’t be more different.”
She nodded as if she understood, but I didn’t think she did. It was a confusing situation for someone who had never experienced my familial ties. We weren’t the Cleavers or even the Connors. I didn’t believe we were dysfunctional either. We simply were not meant to be the typical father and son.
“Okay, I will leave it alone,” she said.
“Thank you. I appreciate you trying to figure it out, but I really don’t need you to try and fix it. This is something that has been a part of my life for a very long time. I have accepted it and I’m okay with it.”
“Got it.”
“Now, would you like to go to the wax museum or stroll down the Walk of Fame?”
Her face lit up. “Oh my gosh, I want to do both!”
“We will. Let’s start with the TCL Chinese Theater and then we’ll head to Madame Tussaud’s.”
She clapped her hands together much like a child would do. “Awesome. I cannot believe I have never been here. How often do you come here?”
“Not often. I have been here a couple of times but not recently. I’m sure the sidewalk is going to be littered with new stars. Is there one in particular you want to see?”
She appeared thoughtful. “Is it too cheesy if I say Marilyn Monroe?”
“Absolutely not,” I assured her.
“What about you? Whose star do you want to see?”
I mulled it over. “I wanted to see Clint Eastwood’s star, but I found out he doesn’t have one. In fact, very few of the stars I actually admire do. But I guess I would like to see John Wayne’s star.”
“We are old souls.” She smiled.
“I guess we both appreciate the old-school ways,” I agreed.
“Are you ready?”
“Let’s go.”
I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, hers going around my waist as we melted back into the crowds clogging the sidewalks. Despite being in the middle of a large crowd, it felt like it was just me and her. I was enjoying myself and could almost believe we were on vacation together. We were far away from home and the confines of our normal routines. We were far away from the heavy decisions that were awaiting me back there.
Stalling. I was stalling. I wanted to spend as much time with her before I left. I was going to leave. I had come to that conclusion sometime in the middle of the night. I had to. I couldn’t deal with the ghosts. I had an urge to run. Not necessarily back to Oregon but anywhere.
Chapter 62
Evie
We were both avoiding what was really going on. I refused to acknowledge it. I wanted to pretend we were on a normal date for as long as possible. We laughed and played and joked with each other as we strolled over several
blocks of Hollywood stars before heading to the museum.
“I think this is all a little creepy,” I told him after a while.
“You don’t like being surrounded by wax figures staring at you,” he teased.
“It’s giving me the heebie-jeebies.”
He burst into laughter. “It is a little creepy. Cool but creepy. Do you want to check out some of the shops? We could go to the Dolby?”
“Do you actually want to go shopping?” I questioned. I got the impression he was trying to make me happy, doing things that he thought I wanted to do as a way to appease me. I didn’t need appeasing.
“I don’t mind browsing,” he answered.
It wasn’t exactly an enthusiastic answer, but I would go with it. We spent a few more hours doing absolutely nothing except walking around and seeing all there was to see.
“I think we crammed three days of sightseeing and shopping into six hours,” I told him. I leaned my head against the headrest of the passenger seat of his car and closed my eyes. “I am exhausted.”
“You and me both,” he answered.
I turned my head to look at him. Of course, he was beat. He didn’t sleep last night and had just spent a marathon day sightseeing. “I’m sorry. I should have remembered you were already tired. I would have been perfectly content sitting on the beach with you.”
“No, this was fun. This was exactly what I wanted to do.”
“It was a lot of fun.”
“Should we grab dinner before we head back?” he asked.
“We don’t have to,” I told him, seeing the lines around his eyes and the circles under his eyes.
“We need food. I’m starving. We could grab something fast and casual.”
“That sounds perfect.”
We drove out of the heart of the city and found a little diner decked out in retro fifties gear. We were both dragging ass as we slid into a booth with a shiny red table between us. There was a jukebox playing old forty-fives and lots of fifties memorabilia hanging from the walls. “I bet they have legit ice cream shakes here,” I said and opened my menu.
“Oh, I want chocolate,” he replied.
We both ordered big burgers, fries, and the traditional shakes, which were quickly delivered in tall glasses. I tried to take a drink from the shake, but it was far too thick. I was desperate for a taste and moved the straw to the side to drink straight from the glass.
“Ah, so good,” I said after the initial taste.
He reached across the table and swiped his thumb over my lips. “You had a little something there,” he said with a grin.
I burst into a fit of giggles, encouraged by my total exhaustion. “Sorry, I really get into my food.”
“Don’t be sorry. It was cute.”
In a flash, the mood changed. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, but suddenly, reality crashed down on us. We had both been playing a game all day. Neither of us wanted to address the giant elephant in the room. I couldn’t operate that way. I needed answers. I needed to know what came next. I couldn’t wake up every day and wonder if he was still around or if he had fled in the night.
“Xander, what are we doing?” I asked, looking directly into his eyes.
He stared back at me. I could see the turmoil and uncertainty he was dealing with. “We’re having dinner,” he answered.
I tilted my head to the side. “You know that’s not what I mean.”
“We spent a good day together. Does it have to be anything more than that?”
My father’s words echoed through my mind. He said I put too much weight on labeling emotions. Maybe I did, but I didn’t like the limbo. “That’s it?”
My voice felt raw. In that moment, I knew I was in love with him. That wouldn’t have been a terrible thing, but I was in love with a man that didn’t want to be loved. I didn’t know if he knew how to love in return. It was just my luck.
“Evie, I don’t know. I’m not sure what you’re asking.”
“I think you do, but you’re avoiding it. Today was all about avoidance. I went along with it, but don’t you think we need to talk about what is really happening here?”
“Why don’t you tell me what you think is happening?” he asked, irritation evident in his voice.
I shrugged. “I have no idea. I don’t know what you want from me. I feel like I’m dangling on the end of a yo-yo. It’s up and down, push and pull.”
He rubbed a hand over his eyes. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”
“You have to have some kind of idea about what you are feeling. I just need a clue. I need to know which way to go from here.”
The waitress brought us our massive burgers. She was way too cheery for my current mood. I thanked her and waited for her to leave. Staring at the hamburger that was the size of the damn plate it was on made me a little nauseated. I wasn’t hungry anymore. Ten minutes ago, I had been famished. Now, I wanted nothing.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he started, and I felt my heart plummet. It was not the way to start a sentence unless you were letting someone down.
He was dumping me. Again. I had to be some kind of idiot to keep putting myself in front of him just so he could dump me over and over. At some point, I had to learn a lesson.
“But you are going to do it anyway,” I said with a sigh.
“That isn’t my intention.”
“Just say what you need to say,” I murmured. It was better to get it over with.
“I’m not in a position to be with anyone.”
I rolled my eyes. “Because?”
“You know me. I’m not good at this kind of thing. I’m not good at relationships in general. The one person in this world that I truly cared about is gone.”
He may as well have slapped me. It hurt. His words tore at my heart. “I see,” I said, nearly choking on the words.
“Kade got me. He understood me. He was… well, he was the one person that I could say I had a meaningful relationship with. He’s gone. His death has turned me inside out. I can’t do this again. I can’t feel like this ever again.”
“Grief?” I questioned. “That’s what you don’t want to feel again?”
“No, I don’t. I can’t.”
I slowly nodded. “I understand. Your solution to your situation is to avoid relationships so you never have to experience loss. You would prefer to be permanently be alone than to know love and maybe feel some pain.”
“I guess if you want to put it like that,” he answered.
“I do.”
I picked up a fry and dipped it in ketchup. It didn’t help. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to sit across from him while he kicked me to the curb and pretended everything was okay. It wasn’t okay. I wasn’t going to be his security blanket to pull over himself when he was feeling bad and then tossed to the side when he was over it.
“Evie, I’m sorry,” he started to say.
“Please don’t. In fact, if you don’t mind, I think I’m ready to go home. I need to get some things done before tomorrow morning.”
He slowly nodded. He had barely touched his own meal. It seemed like a waste but that was the least of my concerns. “All right.”
We left our meals sitting on the table virtually untouched. As usual, Xander left more than enough money to cover the bill. We got into his car and neither of us spoke as we headed back to San Diego.
The ride seemed to last forever. Every passing minute in the car was full of tension. I couldn’t wait to get to the safety of my apartment. I couldn’t deal with being near him but yet so far away.
“Thanks for a nice time today,” I told him when he pulled onto my street.
“Evie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea about what was happening between us.”
I shot him a dirty look. “Don’t you dare do that. Don’t try and make this out to be all in my head. You know that’s bullshit.”
He pulled to a stop in the parking lot of my complex. “It isn’t in your head
. I was going to leave yesterday. I chose to stay because I wanted to be with you. I wanted to forget about everything. Being with you makes me feel normal. It’s an escape from my reality.”
I could hear the pain in his voice and couldn’t stay mad at him. I didn’t believe he was intentionally hurting me. Unfortunately, it just came naturally to him. “I get it. I’m glad I could serve as a distraction.”
“Stop. It’s not what I meant.”
“Look, you’ve got some shit to deal with. I get it. I’ve tried to be there for you, but this isn’t going to work for me. You can’t keep coming in and out of my life and making me feel things. You know where I am if you ever change your mind.”
“Can I call you tomorrow?” he asked.
“No.”
He didn’t look surprised. “Goodbye, Evie.”
I got out of the car and practically ran for the elevator. I made it into my apartment before the tears began to flow. I didn’t believe he was trying to hurt me. I knew he cared about me. I was a danger to him. He was afraid to care about me because he didn’t want to feel pain.
I didn’t know how to navigate the relationship with the way things were. I wasn’t a quitter, but damn, a girl could only take so much. Again, my father’s advice flashed through my mind. Did I want to regret not trying harder?
“What else can I do?” I sobbed.
He was a broken man. Love and relationships had not been kind to him. The two people that had shown him unconditional love had died on him. I could understand why he had some hang-ups, but damn, I wanted him to move forward.
I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower. Our goodbye was not exactly the way I would have liked it to go down. I knew I wouldn’t see him again. He wasn’t going to call and tell me he was flying out. He wasn’t going to stop by. The brief, slightly terse exchange in his car, that was our goodbye. For all I knew, he was on his way to the airport already.
A fresh wave of sadness bubbled up. I turned my face to the shower spray, letting the water mingle with my tears. I told myself I had to be strong. I needed to be patient. The man needed time to work through his issues. Was I willing to wait?
That was not my style. I was a fixer. I needed to fix what was broken. Unfortunately, I had a feeling the fixing was more of an internal repair job and I could do nothing to aid in it. I had to sit idly by, watching him destroy himself and hope like hell he could see the light eventually.
