Inked Armor

by Helena Hunting

  When Connor echoed their sentiments, I went out and got one anyway. When he got upset, I retaliated further by dying my hair poppy red right before a huge family event. I wasn’t allowed in the pictures, but I snuck in the back anyway.

  I had always straddled the line; many of my interests were unacceptable in my social sphere. So I fostered them through the subjects I chose to study.

  Until Hayden.

  I crossed the room and ran my fingers over the bedspread. What would Hayden have thought of my teenage bedroom? What would my parents have thought of him? Would they have been able to see past the unconventional exterior? I wanted to believe they could.

  They might have seen him as a passing phase, something to try out and eventually move on from. Maybe before the crash I would have regarded Hayden as an experiment in deviance, but I doubted it. I would still have been drawn to him. But I wouldn’t have had the courage to act on that attraction. His allure would have been overshadowed by my desire to fit into an impossible mold. My loss had made him accessible in a way he wouldn’t otherwise have been. Hayden understood my impulse for difference.

  His quiet, unassuming intelligence and his unique perception of the world kept me intrigued. Beyond that, our physical connection far surpassed mere need. From the very first time, sex with Hayden had been transcendental. I’d never experienced anything like it before him.

  I missed our physical connection. I missed the way he tasted, the feel of his skin, the endless lines of ink covering his body. I wanted him back—but I needed to be worthy of him first.

  Moving around my old bedroom, I peeled the posters off the wall and rolled them up, threw some knickknacks I couldn’t leave behind in a box, then went downstairs to lock up. The next time I came to Arden Hills, it would be after I’d decided what to do with the house. With every additional piece of my past I released, I felt more capable of embracing my future.

  Driving away, I resolved to do the one thing I’d avoided since my return. I stopped at a greenhouse and picked up poinsettias. They wouldn’t last long in this weather, but I wanted to leave something beautiful behind. As I pulled into Hillside Cemetery, I felt a pang of guilt for not having done this sooner. The memorial service had been horrible, not healing, which contributed to my avoiding the cemetery.

  Trying to understand why the crash had taken so much from me was pointless. I’d internalized that pain, allowing it to take over my life, but I couldn’t anymore. Not if I wanted to go back to Chicago, to Hayden. It had taken returning to Arden Hills for me to finally realize that the tragedy wasn’t a punishment for my transgressions.

  At the cemetery, I visited everyone: the friends I’d lost, Connor’s parents, my own. I spent a long time at my mother’s grave, telling her about Chicago. I told her how much I hated my adviser and how I wasn’t sure if I could manage his unrealistic expectations, his ever-changing demands and his unwanted interest in me. I told her about my job at Serendipity and the friends I’d made; how much she would have liked them even though they were different. And I told her about the tattoo and the artist who’d changed my world, and that I wanted to be with him, despite being afraid.

  Connor I saved for last. Soft flakes began to swirl around me as I set the white poinsettia beside his gravestone. I sank down on the grass, heedless of the cold damp.

  He’d been stolen from life so early. I traced his name on the stone, followed by his dates of birth and death. He was a constant in my life; I’d grown up with him. The summer before I started college, things had changed between us. He looked at me differently. Treated me differently.

  Dating had been a natural progression. In the beginning we kept it quiet. The secrecy of it had been part of the draw: the sneaking around, the frantic make-out sessions when we found ourselves alone. I liked the rebellion of it all, that he was older, that his attraction to me made him reckless, and that I wielded such power over him.

  In the cold, quiet of the cemetery I mourned my old life, finally allowing myself to grieve Connor, our families, and our friends in a way I hadn’t before. The guilt and pain flowed out of me in streams of tears, yet there was a peace I’d never before felt. I would always love Connor, but he was gone. It was time to let go.

  2

  HAYDEN

  A few days, a week, just a little longer. Everyone told me she needed time. Her silence told me she needed time.

  Fuck time.

  Time went on and on. An endless cycle of sleep, wake, bear the agony, and repeat. I fucking hated time.

  Tenley had been gone for three weeks. Every day without her was sensory deprivation, drawn out and torturous from beginning to end. The first week, I called her every day. Her phone always went to voice mail. She never called back. I stopped calling because it sucked to know I’d been discarded so easily.

  Memories of her were everywhere: home, work, Serendipity. I couldn’t escape. So at least I understood why she came to Chicago in the first place: to get away from the ceaseless reminders. I couldn’t figure out what had compelled her to go back, though. She could run from me all she wanted, but returning to the place she’d fled from didn’t make much sense. Unless she was looking to shackle herself to the guilt again. It was easy to deny the possibility of a future when she let the past drag her down. I knew. I’d done that for years until Tenley came along.

  There was a soft knock on the door to the tattoo room. Lisa was checking up on me again.

  Inked Armor was closed, but for the past three weeks I’d spent most of my free time at the shop or Tenley’s empty apartment. Being alone in my condo was unbearable. At least in the shop I could pretend things weren’t so shitty. Hints of her presence still lurked like shadows, but not in the same way as at her apartment or my condo. It was depressing as hell. Regardless, I went to her apartment every day, if only to briefly check on her things. On the worst days, I stayed for hours and steeped myself in the pain of being there without her.

  Lisa poked her head in the door. “Hey, I tried to call you.”

  “Sorry, my phone must be off.”

  I picked up a deep red pen and filled in some color on my sketch. It wasn’t the right shade. The design ruined, I filed it in the folder along with the others and grabbed another sheet of paper.

  “Cassie’s expecting us in an hour. Why don’t you put that away and catch a ride with me and Jamie?”

  “Yeah, about that. I don’t think I’m going to go.”

  After I’d bailed on Thanksgiving, Cassie had taken to inviting the Inked Armor crew over on Sundays. Initially I refused because someone had to be at the shop. Then Lisa changed the hours so we weren’t open on Sundays. No one consulted me. Since Chris and Jamie were partners, and they both agreed, majority rule made it so. Lisa cited the slower pace of winter as a rationale when I fought her on the decision. I wasn’t stupid. Forced social interaction wasn’t going to work. Tenley was the only thing that would make things better, and she wasn’t talking to me—so I was fucked.

  Lisa snagged the wheelie chair and sat down, rolling over to the opposite side of the desk. TK gave a groggy little mew at the disturbance. She got lonely being in my condo by herself, so when I came to the shop during off hours to get away from the nothingness, I brought her along. She came with me to check on Tenley’s apartment, too.

  “You can’t miss dinner this time,” Lisa said.

  “I want to finish this.”

  I laid the new sheet of paper over the outline and began tracing the design again. Once I perfected the color scheme, I planned to persuade Chris to put it on my skin. I would have preferred Jamie to take on the piece because it was portrait, not tribal, but he’d already said no. So had Chris, but I could get him to change his mind. I didn’t have room left on my arms for it, unless I covered over an old tattoo. I was seriously considering doing that because I wanted the piece on display. The prospect of new ink made me feel better.

  Lisa put her hand over mine. I pulled away, the physical contact unmanageable.

&n
bsp; “Why don’t you take a break? The art will be here when you get back.”

  “I’d rather not.” I could feel her eyes on me, assessing. I probably needed a shower and I definitely needed to shave, but that took effort.

  “How long have you been here? Did you go home last night?”

  “Yeah.” It was trueish.

  “Did you sleep?”

  “For a few hours.”

  Ever since Tenley had left, sleep had been elusive. I clocked in three, maybe four hours before the nightmares began. Sometimes they were about my parents, but mostly they were about Tenley. In the most frequent one she was dressed in cream-colored satin, a small red spot marring the fabric between her breasts. The mark spread, turning the cream a brilliant shade of red. In the dream, I could never get to her. Stuck in a doorway, I watched helplessly as the life drained out of her. Eventually her skin turned the color the satin had been.

  I could never go back to sleep. The nightmares were too vivid. After the first one I’d called Tenley’s cell in the middle of the night. I hadn’t left a message, but like a loser I called back several times just to hear her recorded voice.

  “I think you should come,” Lisa pressed.

  “I’m not very good company right now, and I don’t want to leave TK alone.” My foot bounced on the floor as I waited for Lisa to leave me alone.

  “I know you miss her, but shutting everyone out isn’t going to help.”

  I set the pencil down and closed my eyes. Lisa wasn’t going to let up. “I don’t feel up to going, so can you back off?”

  Startled, TK dug her nails into my leg.

  “Fine. If that’s the way you want it.” Lisa shot out of her chair and reached over the desk. She scooped TK out of my lap and started for the door.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I stood too fast and got an instant head rush, forcing me to sit back down.

  “Going to Cassie’s. See you later.”

  I tried again. This time I managed to stay on my feet despite the dizzy spell. “Give me TK.”

  “No.”

  “Give me my fucking kitten!” I shouted. It was completely irrational for me to be so upset. Lisa wasn’t going to run off with her, but rational and I hadn’t seen much of each other lately.

  Lisa cradled TK gently against her chest, stroking her puffed-up fur. “Not until you agree to come to Cassie’s.”

  “You’re going to blackmail me into going to dinner?”

  “I get that it’s hard, Hayden, but what you’re doing right now isn’t going to bring her home. Cassie is worried sick about you. I’m worried about you. We’re all worried about you. You’re not coping.”

  “I’m coping just fine.”

  “Really? Because last time I checked, isolation and lack of personal hygiene are two pretty good indicators that someone isn’t.”

  “Can we not do this right now? It’s too hard. I just don’t know . . .” The anger seeped out of me, replaced with the consuming emptiness I’d felt since Tenley took off.

  Lisa stepped away from the door. “Let’s go up to your place so you can shower; maybe even get rid of the hipster beard you’ve got going on. Then we’ll head to Cassie’s.”

  I sighed, too tired to fight. “Fine.”

  TK jumped out of Lisa’s arms and bounded over to me, weaving between my legs. When I lifted her up, she stretched and put her paws on my chest. Then she nudged my chin with the top of her head, as if she approved of the plan.

  We left the shop and I locked up. Jamie was parked out front, waiting in the car. He got out and the two of them trailed behind me as we entered the lobby of my building. It was both advantageous and problematic to live above where I worked, especially now when I didn’t want to be in my condo. They followed me up the stairs to the second floor. It took me a while to find my keys, and my hand shook as I slid it into the lock. I couldn’t remember if I’d eaten today. Or the day before—which accounted for the light-headedness in the shop.

  I stepped inside and toed off my shoes, putting them in the closet. “Uh, give me a second. I wasn’t expecting anyone to come over; I need to put a few things away.”

  That was a lie. My place was immaculate, as always. That I’d been able to endure Tenley’s constant disarray was evidence of her importance in my life, because that shit usually drove me nuts. Though things such as shaving had become optional since Tenley went away, my OCD tendencies had kicked up a notch in other areas. My compulsion for organization and perfection became more extreme the longer she was gone.

  I walked down the hall, flipped on the light, and went right. I checked every room, saving my bedroom for last. The tightrope of anxiety unknotted as I hit the switch and light bathed the room in a warm glow. I surveyed the smooth lines of my slate-gray comforter and the pillows propped against the headboard. The red and black one in the center was the only thing that disrupted the flow of the lines. I’d taken it from Tenley’s apartment because it was the one she slept on.

  I returned to Lisa and Jamie, who were patiently waiting at the door. They were well aware of what I needed to do before they could come in. They’d already taken off their shoes and put them in the closet.

  “We’re good?” Jamie asked.

  “Yeah. Make yourselves comfortable.” I waved them down the hall into the living room.

  “Wow, Hayden, it’s a real mess in here,” Jamie joked, and almost ran into Lisa, who had stopped in the middle of the room.

  “Oh, wow,” she breathed.

  She was reacting to the new art on the wall. Lisa and Jamie hadn’t been over in a while. Not since things had become interesting with Tenley. They used to come by after work for pre-bar drinks because of the convenience. The last time I’d been out, other than that one time to The Dollhouse, was the night I’d watched Tenley throat-punch that handsy fucker way back in September.

  I hadn’t known that night was the beginning of the end for me. Without her I was in a worse place than I was before her arrival in my life, and now I had no vices.

  “You’ve been busy,” Jamie observed in his quiet, nonjudgmental way.

  “Helps pass the time when I can’t sleep.”

  Lisa moved closer, staring at the framed drawings. It made me feel exposed to have her inspect them. Mine were the only eyes they were meant for.

  “Did Tenley see these?”

  Even hearing her name hurt. “Only the one in the middle.”

  I wanted to rewind my life three weeks. I would have kept her naked in my bed instead of retrieving TK from her apartment; the cat would’ve survived a night without food. Then maybe her not-quite brother-in-law wouldn’t have taken her away.

  But it hadn’t panned out that way. Tenley had left me. When she returned, there was no certainty I would still factor in as part of her equation. Based on her lack of communication, I assumed we were through.

  I was a head case. She’d been gone almost half as long as we’d been together, but I didn’t seem to be getting over her well. “I’m gonna get cleaned up. Help yourself to a drink if you want one. You know where everything is.”

  That drained feeling took over again as I crossed through my bedroom to the bathroom. I turned on the water and returned to the bedroom, where I stripped out of my clothes, then separated them into the color-coded laundry hampers before I returned to the bathroom. I checked to make sure it was hot and got under the spray.

  Twenty minutes later I was clean, shaved, and dressed. Normally I would do the tie-and-collared-shirt thing for events at Cassie’s, but jeans and a button-down was all I could manage.

  I found TK in her usual spot: on my bed, curled up against Tenley’s pillow. “I’ll be back later,” I said, scratching under her chin.

  Before we left, I changed her water and put some food in her dish. When we reached the street, Chris and Sarah were standing by the car door. Talk about feeling like a fifth wheel. I almost did an about-face back into my building.

  “You take the front seat, Hayden, there’
s more legroom,” Lisa said, climbing into the back after Sarah.

  I folded myself into the passenger seat, appreciating the way Chris had to pretzel himself in behind me, even when I pulled my seat forward.

  As we made the short trip to the outskirts of the city where Cassie and Nate lived, Lisa and Sarah talked about some spa bullshit they’d organized. If Tenley were still here, they would have hijacked her for the expedition.

  Cassie and Nate lived in a Century home at the north end of Chicago, close to the water. We parked in their driveway and everyone filed out, except for Chris. He grunted an expletive as he held on to the door and heaved. It was like watching someone extricate himself from a clown car. I smiled.

  “You”—he pointed at me—“get to sit in the back on the way home.”

  “It’s not my fault you don’t have the common sense to buy a vehicle with doors, since it snows five months out of the year.”

  “I don’t need a steel box—my girl’s got one.” He wrapped an arm around Sarah and pulled her to his side.

  The low thwack and the chastising whisper that followed irked me and I looked away. I hated that I was too fucking sensitive to deal with their happiness. Crossing the stone drive to the front steps, I rang the doorbell.

  I’d stopped going over to Serendipity after Tenley left. Cassie had to hire another part-time employee in her place, at least it wasn’t a girl this time. Cassie said it was just for the holiday season, but I couldn’t deal with seeing someone else sitting behind the cashier’s desk. So Lisa and Jamie made all the coffee runs now. Cassie didn’t send her new employee by with deliveries for me, either, which was a relief. That might have pushed me over the edge.

  Instead Cassie brought the books over herself, one at a time, ensuring biweekly visits. I accepted them, aware she was checking up on me. I didn’t allow her to corner me in private, though, because I knew what the conversation would consist of, and I couldn’t go there.