Don’t Forget to Remember Me

by Kahlen Aymes

  Everyone cleared out except my mother and me. I was thankful for the silence. Mom was sitting on the window sill, her sad eyes watching me. I sat and held Julia’s right hand, as I’d been doing since I’d walked into this room the night she was admitted. I was thankful that I could let the façade fall away and allow the emotions that I’d been struggling to hide, come to the surface. Sobs rose in my throat. My mother came to kneel next to me and put her head on my knee.

  “Ryan…Julia wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself. It’s been three days and you should go home. Eat, shower and sleep.”

  “I can’t leave! What if…something happens?” My voice broke and tears formed in my eyes. I wiped at them impatiently. She moved and put her arms around me and I melted into her, sobbing into her shoulder, but still rubbing my thumb over Julia’s wrist. “I love her so much, Mom. Jesus, she has to be okay.”

  “You have to have faith, Ryan. Julia is strong and she has so much to live for. She has you.”

  “It’s been too long,” I answered. “If she doesn’t come out of it soon, it’s less likely she’ll survive.” I pulled my mom’s arms from around my shoulders and stood, putting a hand to my eyes as I moved away to stand at the foot of Julia’s bed. “They’ve reduced the medications that keep her asleep, but she still isn’t waking up. She gives me everything and I can do nothing here. Nothing!” the words ripped from my chest, dripping with agony.

  “Oh, Ryan, God won’t take Julia away from you,” she said softly. “I promise.”

  “Mom…you can’t make promises for God.” I looked at the ceiling in an effort to get control of myself. “Can you let me have some time? I haven’t been alone with her since that first night. I need to talk to her. Please?”

  Her arms encircled my waist from behind and she kissed the back of my shoulder. “Of course, baby. I’ll close the door and then you open it when you want us to come back in, okay? Don’t you dare say goodbye to her. Understand? If you want her to fight, you mustn’t give up, darling.”

  I rubbed her arm and nodded. “Okay.”

  When the door closed, the sounds seemed to grow louder. Beeping of the heart monitor, dripping of the IV, air whooshing through the vent; sterile hospital sounds, not the beautiful voice or the lilting laughter that I longed for. I wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. My gorgeous, vibrant Julia was lying here still, silent, unmoving; at the mercy of these fucking machines.

  Every breath hurt. My gaze fell to Julia’s chest, rising and falling in time with the ventilator. Dr. Brighton talked about weaning her off to see if she could breathe on her own, but I was adamant that we wait until after the medication had ebbed a little. If she wasn’t waking up, she wouldn’t be able to breathe without assistance and I wasn’t willing to take that risk. Paul had agreed with me, trusting my judgment. Thank God.

  Another CT scan showed there wasn’t significant swelling in her brain, which was a blessing. It was something positive, but until she opened her eyes, I would have no relief.

  I fell to my knees next to her and laid my head on her stomach. Her left arm and her ribs were injured, but I wouldn’t hurt her by laying my head below her navel. My hand wrapped around hers and I closed my eyes as a tear squeezed from each one.

  “Julia…you have to wake up.” My right arm around her hips tightened. “God, I’m so lost. Please, don’t leave me, baby.” I took a shaky breath and fought back the sobs threatening to break free from my chest. I’d denied the possibility of losing her to Paul and to everyone else, but my education and my reasoning told me it was possible. “It’s like we’re one person…I can’t live without you. I love you so much.”

  I lifted my head and looked into her face. It was still swollen and purple bruises were all over the left side. My heart ached at the site and I stared at her, willing her to wake up. I spoke softly to Julia and then to God. “Dear God, please let her be okay. I’d give my life gladly if you would only spare hers.”

  I stayed on my knees next to her, holding her. I talked to her, repeating the words over and over, feeling her body move with each breath. At times, tears ran unabashed down my face and I didn’t even bother wiping them away, the blanket on the bed absorbing them as they fell. “Please, God. Please.”

  It could have been minutes or hours, but finally her hand stirred under mine. My head instantly snapped up to find her green eyes open and staring back at me. I could see the panic and pain behind them but in that moment, I thought she was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen. It meant that she was aware of her surroundings, so chances of brain damage were minimal.

  Thank you, Jesus.

  ~2~

  Julia began struggling against the tube invading her throat but her injuries kept her movements to a minimum. She grimaced as pain shot through her, looking at me with wary eyes. Her brow furrowed as she took in her surroundings. The ventilator tube was strange and frightening and her right hand lifted toward her mouth. She tried to speak, but the vent tube prevented anything but a raspy whisper.

  I jumped up and sat on the edge of the bed, still in shock myself as I restrained her good hand from pulling at the tubes. “Honey, stop. You’re in the hospital and this has been helping you breathe. We’ll get it out, but you have to stop fighting right now. I know it feels weird, and you won’t be able to talk. Just please relax.”

  My heart leapt within my chest. Julia’s eyes were wide and frightened and confusion clouded her features. The green irises were glassy as she shook her head, frantically trying to talk but I stopped her with a shake of my head.

  I was capable of removing the tube, but wasn’t allowed to without a physician’s permission. I put my hand on her thigh so she’d meet my eyes. “It’s okay, baby. I’ll have that out very soon.” I reached up and pressed the call button on the side of her bed.

  “Yes?” the voice on the intercom answered.

  “Can you please come in here? Julia’s awake and the vent is scaring her. Is Dr. Brighton around or my father? We need one of them, stat.”

  I lowered my voice again. “Honey, I was so worried…going out of my mind.” I held my breath, trying to make sure she didn’t have any brain damage as I watched for her reactions to anything and everything. I placed my hand at the side of her face and ran my thumb along her cheekbone. Once again, Julia tried to pull at the tube, her eyes connecting with mine. “Just concentrate on my eyes, and breathe through your nose. It will keep you from gagging. If you can understand me, will you blink for me?” She blinked once and nodded slightly.

  I dropped my head as tears flooded my eyes. This was the miracle I’d prayed for. She was going to be okay. I’d been so scared and now the relief was equally intense. She resumed struggling, trying to speak. The effort made her gag and choke.

  “No, sweetheart. They’re coming to take out that tube. You’ve been in an accident, but you’re going to be fine,” I said reassuringly, hoping that the calm tone of my voice would soothe her. I relaxed when the room flooded with people. That damn tube would be out in a matter of seconds. My father and three nurses, one of whom quickly turned off the vent and started to gently remove the tape holding it in place on Julia’s jaw.

  “Julia, we are going to ask you to cough. Do you think you can do that?” Kari, the day nurse asked.

  She nodded, but still looked frantically from one to the other, her good arm going up to pull at the tube. I grabbed her wrist and gently brought it down to the bed again. “Stop struggling, please.”

  “Okay, when I say three, cough and I’ll pull out the tube,” Kari said. “It will feel strange and you’ll have a little bit of a sore throat afterward. Are you ready?” Julia looked into her face and nodded once. “One, two, three,” she said as she pulled out the tube. Julia coughed several times and pulled her hand from underneath mine to go up to cover her mouth.

  I poured some water from the pitcher on the bed stand and offered it to her, but her hands moved up to the bandage on her head and she tried to move her injured arm. A sli
ng restricted her movements so her shoulder could heal properly.

  Another nurse inserted a syringe into an IV port and Julia’s eyes got heavy instantly and her movements slowed. I put the glass to her lips and she took a small sip.

  “We’re sedating her because she can re-fracture her ribs if she moves around too much,” Dad murmured as I returned the glass to the tray.

  “I know that, Dad.” I brushed the back of my fingers across her forehead as her eyes fluttered closed. She was trying to fight the sedative, but it was impossible. I leaned down and kissed her gently, nuzzling my nose against her temple and sighed deeply.

  I backed up and ran both hands through my hair as the gravity of what had just happened hit me. My legs felt weak and I leaned up against the wall for support trying to focus on my father. He blurred before my eyes as they started to burn, but the strong hand on my shoulder was reassuring. “She’s going to be okay, son.”

  “It’s a miracle.” I nodded, wiping at the wetness in my eyes with the back of my hand.

  Soon the room was clear and Julia was resting peacefully. I was sitting beside her, holding her hand again. She was very sleepy, but I wanted to talk to her. I rubbed my thumb back and forth over the top of her hand.

  “Julia? I’m here with you, babe. Everyone is here. Your parents, Ellie and Harris, Aaron and Jen. Everyone who loves you is here. I love you so much,” I whispered and used my other hand to brush her hair back. She tried to lift her eyelids slightly but the medicine had her on the verge of sleep. I brought her hand up and brushed my lips across her knuckles, unable to tear my eyes away. I grimaced at the bruises that were beginning to turn green around the edges. Her left eye was blackened and her face was swollen. It hurt to think of what she must have felt during the accident. What did she suffer?

  “What happened when she woke up?” my dad asked. He was standing behind me and I had to shake myself out of my thoughts. “Did she give any indication that she knew what was happening?”

  I laughed incredulously. “She blinked and nodded when I asked her if she understood. I’m so relieved, Dad!” I stood and his arms closed around me in a comforting embrace.

  “That’s excellent, son. We’ll see how she does in the next couple of days, but I want to order more tests to make sure there isn’t any permanent brain damage. She may have difficulty with muscle coordination due to the location of the injury.” He patted my back and then clutched at it. “I’ll go find Marin and Paul. They went to the cafeteria to get lunch. You should call the others and then go clean up before Julia wakes up. You look a mess, Ryan. Shave, for God’s sake. You probably scared the shit out of the girl.”

  “She’s seen me worse,” I laughed and my chest physically hurt as my lungs pulled in the air. Was this the first time I’d breathed in four days? I bent to kiss her on her forehead and then rested my head lightly on hers, relishing the feeling of her breath on my face, proof that she was alive and would recover.

  Thank you. I’ll never ask for another thing as long as I live, I silently prayed as I moved away. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her sleeping face. The cut along her hairline held 6 stitches and looked angry and sore.

  “Ryan…Ellie, Aaron and Jen?” Dad reminded.

  I pulled out my phone to do his bidding. Jenna was working and Aaron was on his way to pick up Ellie and Harris at their hotel.

  Soon everyone was back at the hospital and I was being ushered out the door. I was exhausted, but I wouldn’t stay home long enough to sleep, only to shower and change into clean scrubs so I could do my rotations after I went to check on Julia.

  Dr. Brighton had contacted my professors, and the chief resident, so they would allow me to make up my coursework and schedule replacements for my hospital shifts over the past three days.

  The longest three days of my entire life.

  I had ten messages from Tanner on my cell phone as well as two from Liza and one from Min. Min was checking on Julia, Tanner was asking what the hell happened and Liza was pestering me with another of her barely concealed ploys to help her with research. She knew I was engaged to be married, but she never stopped trying to get me to screw her. She had no self-respect which turned my stomach.

  After my shower, I felt much better and rushed back to Mass General as fast as I could. My hair was still damp when I walked into Julia’s room. Everyone was gathered around the bed blocking my view, but I heard her talking softly to her parents and I closed my eyes at the sound. Once again, relief surged through me. In the darkest moments of the last few days, I thought I might never hear that sweet voice again.

  Six sets of eyes turned and my father immediately came forward, his open hands in front of him, gesturing for me to stop.

  “Ryan, I need to talk to you in the hallway.”

  “Okay, in a minute,” I said impatiently. “I want to see Jules.”

  “Ryan, we need to talk first,” he said sternly. His tone was very low, like he was trying to keep anyone else from hearing what he was about to say.

  “Now? Dad, please…I…” I began but he grabbed my shoulders and turned me toward the hall.

  “Yeah, now.”

  The manhandling pissed me off. “What the hell?” I questioned in agitation. Why was he keeping me from Julia? She’d wonder why I wasn’t with her immediately.

  “Julia seems to have some memory loss and trouble with coordination on her left side. She can’t move her toes, but she feels a pin prick. Motor function manifests near where she hit her head, so it’s common with injuries like this. I’m sure it will get better with time, but she may need some help with walking at first.”

  Memory loss? I nodded and waited for more of an explanation, but he just looked at me. “Okay. What sort of memory loss? Short-term, long-term, what?”

  “It’s strange. It seems to be selective. She remembers her childhood. Paul, Marin and Ellie, but has no memory of me. We mentioned you, Ryan, and she doesn’t appear to remember you either.”

  “What?” I asked in disbelief. My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. How can she not remember me? We can’t breathe without each other, for God’s sake.

  “She’s very confused. I needed to warn you before you go in. I know it’s a shock, but we don’t want to overwhelm her. You have to keep your emotions in check.” He placed a hand on my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me. I was still trying to wrap my head around it and was slightly reeling. “This will most likely pass, son.”

  “Did she ask about the baby?” I asked with serious hesitation. This memory loss wasn’t good, but I was thankful that she was recovering.

  “Not a word. She hasn’t said much to anyone other than her parents. I know you didn’t want to upset them, but don’t you think we should tell Marin and Paul about the baby, Ryan? In case Julia does ask, we don’t need any emotional outbursts from them when she is so fragile. Her vitals look good and I’ve ordered some broth for her. Dr. Brighton and I agree that we should monitor her memory loss and coordination issues and get her back on solid food before she’s discharged. Her ribs will be sore, but we’ll get her up and walking today.”

  My mother moved behind me and slid her arms around my waist. I put an arm around her shoulder as her eyes reflected her sorrow that Julia didn’t remember me.

  My mind was racing. “Okay, yeah. Can you take them out and tell them while I get a chance to talk to Julia alone?”

  “Don’t tell her too much, Ryan. I know you’re anxious and can’t wait to get in there, but remember, she doesn’t know you.”

  I rubbed my hand over my face and my mother’s arms tightened around me. “My God, Dad,” I murmured as the implications sank in.

  “Let’s just be gentle and supportive and see how she progresses. She’ll be able to cope with losing the baby better if she remembers everything on her own. Right now, let’s concentrate on getting her physically well. We’ll do some tests to try to figure out what’s causing this.”

  I left my mother in the hall and followed D
ad back into the room. My heart was racing, palms sweating. How in the hell would I handle it when my beautiful girl didn’t know me? I steeled myself for what I would face in the next seconds.

  “Would everyone like to join me for coffee in the cafeteria?” My father invited the others to leave. Some of them nodded, others gathered their things and moved away from Julia. Her bed was elevated to a sitting position. When her eyes met mine, I searched for some sign of recognition. She watched me walk in, but didn’t speak.

  “See you in a bit, Jules. Love you.” Paul placed a kiss on Julia’s forehead. Thankfulness, like I’d never known, rushed through me when she smiled up at him and spoke.

  “Love you too, Daddy.” Her voice was soft and a little raspy, a remnant from the breathing tube.

  On his way out, Paul came toward me and threw his arms around me. “Ryan, I’m so relieved.”

  I patted him firmly on the back. “Yeah. There hasn’t been a second since she woke up that I haven’t been thanking God,” I said so only he could hear. “There are no words to tell you how much I love her, Paul.”

  “You don’t have to, son. We know,” he said as he waited for Marin to join him.

  The thick bandage on Julia’s head had been replaced with a smaller one and most of the blood had been cleaned out of the hair at her left temple, but the most amazing thing was that her eyes were clear and alert. My hand went to my heart as I walked slowly toward her. My instinct was to run and gather her close, but that would frighten her.

  “Bye, honey. We’ll be back soon.” Marin squeezed her hand before preceding Paul, Ellie and Harris out. Ellie’s eyes met mine briefly as she passed. She looked worried, squeezing my arm before she walked around me and out of the room, shutting it behind her.

  Finally, we were alone.

  “Hey. You gave us quite a scare,” I said gently when her soft eyes fell on mine. I saw a lot of questions there and wondered if she had any recollection of me at all. The situation would have me freaking out if I didn’t think she’d eventually get all of it back, but right now I was just damn happy that she was alive and awake. That was all that mattered.