Don’t Forget to Remember Me

by Kahlen Aymes

“I’ll change, yes. And scotch, okay?” I didn’t drink scotch often at home, but she didn’t question me, only reached up to run her hand over the stubble on my chin and then kiss my mouth softly. She was so sweet and her touch eased the ache, just like I knew it would.

  “Yes.”

  I kissed her briefly, before walking down the hall and peeling off my scrubs. I wanted all evidence of the hospital gone and jumped in the shower to rinse off. I felt antiseptic and sterile and I needed to feel like myself. I quickly combed my hair, pulling on old jeans and a ratty old T-shirt from Stanford, took a deep breath and then went into the living room.

  Julia was waiting on the couch with my glass of scotch sitting next to her wine on the coffee table, the music switched to a softer venue; songs that she felt would comfort me.

  I sat next to her and reached for my drink, slamming the entire contents in one gulp. Julia waited patiently, her hand scratching soft patterns on my back, until I leaned back and turned toward her and put my hands on her bent knees to pull her closer, leaning my forehead against hers.

  “I needed this. You are my solace in the madness.”

  “Madness?” Her voice was gently questioning. “Baby, what happened today?” Her hand covered one of mine.

  “Oh, Julia. It was so horrible. I lost a patient.” The stinging started in the back of my eyes again and my voice cracked.

  She sighed and wrapped her arms around me and both of her hands wound in my hair. “Oh, Ryan. I’m so sorry, honey.”

  I started crying then. The gentleness in her touch and voice somehow gave me permission to let the emotions loose. I couldn’t hide from her and I didn’t want to. Her arms tightened around me and I gathered her in a close embrace as I buried my face in her shoulder.

  “A little girl. She had a bee sting,” I told her miserably, starting to sob. “It was just a bee sting, but the mother didn’t get her to the hospital in time. Fucking New York traffic and she didn’t know to call an ambulance and get some paramedics on the scene. They were having a picnic in Battery Park. A picnic, Julia. One minute you’re having a picnic and the next, your child is dead.”

  Her fingers pushed my hair back and she kissed the side of my face over and over again. “I’m sure you did everything humanly possible, my love.” The trembling voice told me she was crying with me, her big heart feeling every twinge of my pain. “Oh, Ryan, I wish I could take this away. I know you did everything you could.”

  My shoulders were shaking and her voice was cracking. I broke down even further. “She was just a baby, barely a year old. We worked so hard and still we lost her. Julia, we lost that little baby!” In my grief, I’d forgotten myself, but the instant the words were out, my heart stopped and suddenly Julia stilled in my arms.

  How could I be so Goddamned careless?

  I pulled back frantically, my hands on her forearms as I searched her face for recognition. She was still as stone while she looked at me, her eyes filled again and her lips lifted in a smile.

  A smile? I couldn’t believe my eyes and my heart felt like it would fly from my chest.

  “Oh, Ryan! We’re going to have a baby!” My heart jumped up in my throat. If this day could have gotten any worse, it just did. She cupped both sides of my face and her face sobered at the pain in my eyes. My heart split apart, like steel knives, cutting and ripping my flesh as they fell.

  In about three seconds she would realize there was no baby and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it. She took my hand and moved it to her flat stomach and I was in literal hell. I knew what was coming. Finally, we had to deal with it.

  “Julia…” I began, but she moved back, looking down at her stomach and then back to my face. It was finally dawning on her that she should be eight months pregnant by now.

  I couldn’t breathe it hurt so bad, my heart thundering around inside my chest was killing me. I struggled for the words, for any type of sanity that would help me cope with my own pain at finally facing the loss, and show me some small way to comfort her as her world fell apart.

  “Babe…” I reached for her as her face crumpled, the silent sobs racking her body as her hands came up to cover her face. “Oh, Julia…” my voice cracked on the words and my eyes began to blur.

  “Uhhh…oh, no! I lost it, didn’t I?” She looked at me in stunned disbelief, the pain clearly written on her face. Julia started to shake her head. “I lost it in the accident! Oh, God, Ryan,” she cried into me as I gathered her shaking body close to my own. She wasn’t making any sound but her body was wracked with violent sobs until. after what felt like a lifetime, she gasped loudly for breath. Tears rolled down my face and I closed my eyes in agony. “I wanted that baby. So much. It was you…You and me. God, Ryan! Noooooo!”

  I could do nothing but hold her, my hand stroking her long hair, both of us clinging to the other in our shared sorrow. I searched my heart for any words that would console her, but there were none, even though I would have given my life to find them. My heart ached; the love I felt pouring into her.

  “We’ll have more babies, Julia. Oh, God, as many as you want, I promise,” I whispered it over and over as I kissed her face and stroked her hair. “I wanted the baby, too. More than anything. I was so happy for the two seconds I had to process it before Jenna told me that you’d miscarried. Part of me died that night. The only thing that saved me was that I still had you.”

  Her arms tightened and more sobs burst from her chest to fill the room around us. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!” she cried brokenly, her tears completely soaking through my shirt on my shoulder, her fingers clawing at the material. These tears were as precious as diamonds because they were hers. “You must have been in hell all those months, Ryan. I’m sorry I left you alone with all of this.”

  I pulled her onto my lap while I settled back into the cushions so I could rub her back. I kissed her hair over and over again as she cried and cried. “Hush. You have nothing to be sorry for. It was an accident, my love. It was an accident.”

  “I was so happy when the test was positive.” She looked up at me with her dark green pools so full of grief; my heart broke all over again. “El…Ellie…Sh…she figured it out,” she was gasping for breath through the words, her fingers fisted in the front of my shirt. “I was c…coming to tell you. I couldn’t tell you on the phone. I wanted to see your face when I told you that you were going be a daddy.”

  Oh, God, it hurt to hear her say those words.

  “I know, sweetheart.” My throat ached and I tried to swallow it down. Her pain, my pain, all of it was sucking the air from my lungs, the tight bands around my chest refusing to let my chest expand.

  “I wasn’t going to Paris. I couldn’t…take that away from you. I wouldn’t,” she sobbed again. “You’ll be such an amazing father, Ryan. I wanted to give that to you.”

  “Oh, honey. You will.” I brushed my fingers against her cheek, brushing away the tears. “And it will be the most beautiful experience and the most beautiful baby ever born, I promise.”

  “It won’t be that baby,” she sobbed. “I want that baby, Ryan.”

  I sucked in my breath, and stilled. Fucking hell, how can I comfort her? I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but the sun set and it was darker in the apartment. Neither one of us bothered to turn on a light as we lay on the couch together.

  Then the question I’d been dreading for months finally fell from her lips. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Thud. My heart pounded and I considered how to answer, emotions threatening to choke me. I needed to see her face, so I eased back slightly.

  “Julia, look at me.”

  She moved back a little more and I wiped at her tears before I took both of her hands in mine. I looked at our entwined fingers as I struggled to speak past the pain. Finally, I tore my gaze back up to hers.

  “I’m sorry you’re so sad. I’m…sorry I did this to you,” she said and then sniffed as another sob shook her shoulders. All I wanted was to take away her s
uffering. We were like one person and it had always been that way, each of us feeling the other’s emotions as if they were our own. It was a beautiful, amazing…painful miracle. My thumbs rubbed over the tops of her hands and I shook my head.

  “You didn’t do anything to me, sweetheart. This is something we’re going through together. It happened to both of us.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me, then?”

  “Julia…you were so fragile and I was focusing on getting you better. That’s all I could think about because I knew I wouldn’t survive without you. There were lots of reasons. I was so scared.”

  “Of what? I mean, after you knew I was better? Why not tell me then?”

  I didn’t take my eyes from hers. “I was afraid of this. I knew you’d be heartbroken and I wanted to protect you in any way I could. There was also the risk it would be so traumatic to you that you’d block everything out forever, and I needed you to remember me, my love. To be able to hope you would.” The tears welled and spilled down my cheeks, first one and then another. “It was selfish, but I couldn’t bear losing the memories, how we met; the love between us…especially this mad, mad love.” Her face, so full of sorrow, softened, the love glowing there to comfort me. I had to touch her, and reached forward and cupped the back of her head with my right hand as her fingers began to stroke my jaw.

  “Oh, Ryan. I never really forgot you. I always felt you. Like a moth to a flame, you had me helpless. As you always have.”

  “But I had no way of knowing. I couldn’t bear losing so much of us. I was…tormented. Please don’t be mad at me.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not. How could I be? I understand your feelings.” She was calmer now, but tears were still flowing softly. Her hands tightened around mine. “I do love you, Ryan, and I don’t deserve you.”

  “I’m not worthy of you. You’re so perfect.” Julia leaned forward and kissed me softly, her mouth opening and coaxing a response from me. I wasn’t finished with my explanation, so I reluctantly pulled my mouth from hers as I stroked her cheek with my thumb.

  “There’s more.” This was the hardest part to admit, but I wouldn’t hide anything from her ever again and I knew we’d survive anything. The love between us was stronger than either one of us on our own and I needed to trust that.

  “Okay,” she said softly and waited. “Tell me. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”

  “As much as I wanted you to remember me, I wasn’t sure if I wanted you to remember losing the baby.” I’d said the words aloud for the first time and they hurt like hell. We lost our baby. Maybe we couldn’t feel it or touch it like the poor woman in the ER today, but that didn’t make it any less real or the pain any less intense.

  “That’s why you wouldn’t make love to me.” She knew it was true without asking. “You thought being close would bring it back?”

  I nodded. “It killed me. I wanted to reassure myself that we were still us in the most profound way possible, but I couldn’t risk hurting you.”

  Julia looked sad and confused. “At least if I had known, I could have offered you some sort of comfort, Ryan. It wasn’t fair to you,” her voice cracked and new tears fell. “I’m…so sorry that I wasn’t there for you.”

  I shook my head. “But you were, baby. I got to look at you and touch you every day and that was the one thing that kept me sane. I was terrified that if I told you about us and the baby, it would’ve been more like a book you read and not something you lived through…” My own voice trembled as I struggled to speak. My throat was so tight and the tears thickened my voice. “I needed it to be real, Julia. I couldn’t bear it if you knew and still didn’t remember or…”

  “What, honey? Just say it, Ryan,” she begged.

  “I didn’t want to suffer this without you.” I wiped at my tears with the back of my hand before I continued. “I felt selfish, needing you with me to mourn this loss, but I just…I couldn’t bear facing it without you. There was only one thing that could have been worse…if I’d lost you, too.”

  We both were crying and touching, wiping each other’s tears away until finally we melted together, both of us lost in our grief.

  “Ryan, you can never lose me,” Julia said softly. “Just remember how much I love you, that’s all you need to do. Even if I would have died…”

  My arms wound around her and tightened to stop her, “Jesus, don’t even say that, Julia,” I begged. “Please.”

  She shook her head and pressed on. “I’d still love you, even then. Always and forever.”

  I lay back and pulled her on top of me. I was exhausted and I wanted to feel her against every inch of me. She snuggled in and I held her as we both quieted. I was getting tired, the long day and all of the emotions left me spent. Julia’s breathing evened out as I ran my hand up and down her back, rubbing little circles as I went. I took a deep breath and knew we’d get through this and anything else life threw at us.

  “I can live through anything as long as I have you,” she whispered and my heart felt like it would explode.

  “You’ll always have me, Julia. And you know what you said about it not being that baby when we finally have one?”

  She stiffened slightly in my arms as she answered. “Yes.”

  “I don’t believe that.” My words hung in the air as she digested them.

  “What?”

  “Well, I believe the baby is destined to be with us. It just wasn’t his time to be born yet,” I said softly, and then kissed her forehead. “He’s up in Heaven waiting, Julia. That little soul belongs with us, and he will be, okay?”

  She turned her face into my neck and our arms tightened around each other. I never wanted to let her go. “Just like you and I are meant to be together,” she stated quietly.

  I smiled into the darkness and stroked my fingers up and down the bare skin of her arm. “Yes. Always. I can’t put into words how much I love you and how much I want you to have my child. You’ve got all of your memories now, so I know you won’t forget,” I teased gently.

  “No. I won’t forget to remember you…ever again. I promise.”

  “Mmmmmm,” I chuckled softly, content despite the heartache of the evening. My chest expanded in a deep sigh as I expelled some of the stress.

  “Ryan?” she said softly, her breath rushing in a hot wave over the skin of my neck and shivers raced down my spine.

  “What, love?” I said sleepily.

  “Thank you.” She placed a soft, open-mouthed kiss on the edge of my jaw and I turned into her body so I could twine my legs with hers and look into her sparkling eyes.

  “For what?” I reached out and ran a finger down the side of her beautiful, perfect face.

  “For the story about the baby waiting in Heaven. It’s a beautiful thought.”

  “I believe it. We’ll have a beautiful baby girl with your green eyes and golden brown hair or a little boy with blue eyes and dark hair. It will be incredible and I can’t wait.” I kissed her lips very softly, brushing mine across hers again, before pulling that luscious lower lip into my mouth and sucking gently.

  I wanted to worship this woman. Somehow the day from hell was ending in peace and contentment. The touch of her hand and a soft word was all I needed to erase it all.

  “When do you think the baby wants to be born?” she asked, her hand running down my chest to the waistband of my jeans and up again.

  I flashed a smile at her because I couldn’t help myself and then flipped her underneath me so fast that she gasped in surprise and laughed softly. After all of the tears, it was like music to my aching heart.

  “Soon. Very soon.” I kissed her gently but it soon deepened into more, our need for each other was always undeniable. Her mouth opened to mine and my tongue plunged deep inside, hungrily moving with hers. She tasted so good, and I needed her, wanted her without question. I nuzzled into her cheek with my nose. “But, that’s up to you,” I said between breathless kisses. “Just say the word and we can start trying. I love you so
much.”

  “No, it’s up to us. Everything is always us, because I love you just as much.”

  More beautiful words were never spoken and I knew…it was the truth.

  ~1~

  I waited outside the ER for my husband, Ryan, to come out at the end of his shift. He was halfway through his first year of residency at St. Vincent’s in Lower Manhattan. Later in the evening, we’d be flying up to Boston where his brother, Aaron, and one of our best friends, Jenna, were finally getting married. I was so happy for Jenna. She’d been waiting almost nine years for Aaron to marry her, but the responsibilities of college and then medical school had been his priority. She had supported his efforts without complaining and finally, after a little gentle nudging, Aaron had proposed.

  Ryan and Aaron fulfilled their childhood dream of attending Harvard Med together, but afterward, Ryan chose to do his residency in New York City so that we could finally be together. We’d gotten married on a spur of the moment decision at the same time that he and Aaron were graduating last June. Every minute since then had been heaven. At least, the moments we actually spent together.

  I tapped my hand nervously on the steering wheel of my Mazda as I looked around the parking lot, a mixture of impatience and uneasiness filled me. The ER was always busy with all kinds of cases, and Ryan regaled me with details on several occasions. Most were just what you’d expect, but there were a lot of gangs in New York and Ryan was constantly dealing with shootings, beatings and stabbings. I shuddered as the fear I tried to push back resurfaced. It wasn’t as if the many hours he spent away from me weren’t bad enough without worrying about these types of people hanging out at the hospital while their ‘homies’ were treated for the latest fight or drive by.

  Take tonight. There were several rough looking young men hovering outside of the entrance, smoking, spouting trash-talk and generally harassing anyone who tried to go into or out of the hospital. No distinctive racial group, they were a mixture of white, black, Asian and Hispanic descent, but collectively, they were a scary looking bunch. Two or three of them looked particularly agitated during the conversation. I couldn’t make out their words, but I could tell from their expressions that they were arguing. One tough looking thug, who was clearly the leader, shoved another one of them with enough force to send him sprawling on the pavement.