Since He Really Feels (He Feels)

by Lisa Suzanne

  We both stopped.

  “You first,” I said, suddenly wanting to prolong the inevitable.

  “Are you sure?”

  I nodded.

  He sighed. “I know you’re angry with me because I keep putting off telling you things that you want to know. I want to give you what you need, but I need you to understand that it’s difficult.”

  “I get that, Nick. I just want you to let me in.”

  “I have let you in, baby. No one knows me like you do.”

  “I love you,” I said. I wanted to encourage him. I wanted him to know that I was his cheerleader and I always would be.

  “I know. And that’s why I’m willing to tell you things about my family that I have never told anyone else.”

  Suddenly, for about the millionth time in recent memory, I felt like a complete idiot.

  I was all out of sorts. Clearly I was on a freaking emotional roller coaster, and I wasn’t dealing with any of the constant issues that were arising in my life in any sort of appropriate way. The only thing I could think to attribute it to was the fact that I had fallen so hard so fast for one man while the other man in my life was suddenly gone.

  Normally I faced issues head-on. Normally I reacted maturely, with a calm, rational head. But somehow everything I had done in the past few weeks was totally out of character. I was being immature, reacting impulsively to every situation, and behaving like a child.

  As Nick prepared to tell me about the hardships he’d endured in his past, I realized that this wasn’t just about Nick. It wasn’t about him not letting me in or brushing me off. It was about his past with his family; it was about other people and apparently a history that he didn’t want to share with anybody. I was being incredibly selfish, and it wasn’t fair of me to force that information out of him when he wasn’t ready to talk.

  “Nick, stop,” I said just as he opened his mouth to continue talking. “Please don’t talk just because I am forcing you to. I want you to tell me those difficult things when you’re ready to tell me, not because I am being a stubborn brat about it.”

  He pulled my hand to him, and then he brushed his lips across my knuckles. “You’re not being a stubborn brat. I appreciate your need to know.”

  “Let me go first,” I blurted.

  “Okay,” he said, drawing the word out. “What do you want to say?”

  “I want to tell you where I went last night.”

  He still clasped my hand in his, his lips brushing casually across the back of my hand. “Where did you go last night?” he asked quietly.

  I sighed. “The Millers’ house.”

  He froze. “You ran to Travis?” he asked, his voice thick and hard. He dropped my hand and his eyes glazed over with anger.

  Shit, if that’s how he reacted to the news that I went to the Miller house, I was not looking forward to my next confession.

  I nodded. “I was just so mad. It was automatically where my car went.”

  “That’s fucking bullshit and you know it.”

  “I don’t want to fight about it, Nick. I can’t change it.”

  “Why is your instinct always to run to him?”

  “Same reason it’s your instinct to run to fucking work,” I shot back, thinking more specifically that he ran to work where Bree happened to be on a Saturday morning.

  This bickering was getting us nowhere.

  “There’s more,” I said.

  He leveled his gaze at me.

  I wasn’t sure how to say it. To tell him that I attempted to kiss Travis sounded so stupid, but it was my own mistake, and in the interest of honesty, I knew I couldn’t avoid it.

  “We almost kissed.”

  His elbows rested on the arms of his chair, and he folded his hands in front of his mouth, his two pointer fingers in the air, grazing against his lips. His gaze never left my face, but his eyes remained detached.

  “Who initiated it?” he finally asked, and as I stared back at him, I knew he knew the answer.

  “Does it matter?” I asked warily, averting my eyes from his.

  “It sure the fuck does.”

  I felt his gaze pinning me to my chair, so I finally met his eyes. My cheeks flushed as I spoke, and my voice started getting louder and louder. “I did. Alright? I fucking did. I was pissed off at you and I wanted someone to comfort me. I wanted someone who has never let me down.”

  “That’s a little idealistic, don’t you think?”

  “No, I don’t. I can’t think of a single time Travis has let me down in my entire life.”

  “Oh really?” he asked sarcastically, a sneer flashing across his features. “That’s interesting, because I think it was a pretty big letdown for him to fuck you when you were at your lowest point. I think it was a pretty big letdown to confess his lifelong love to you when you were fucking heartbroken. I think it was a pretty big letdown when he fucking moved to San Diego to get away from you, or when he wouldn’t pick up his fucking phone because he was too selfish to be happy for you when you got engaged to another man. But maybe I’m wrong.”

  Every example he gave was like a knife stabbing into my gut, but he was right.

  He was one hundred percent right.

  I had spent the last several weeks idealizing my entire history with Travis simply because I could no longer have him. I thought back to the night he’d confessed his love to me. I had been heartbroken over Nick, and I knew that my feelings for Travis were extraordinary and profound, but they didn’t transcend the lifelong friendship we had shared.

  I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t defend Travis anymore or the friendship we shared because Nick was correct. I just hoped that my realization hadn’t come too late.

  “You’re right,” I finally said.

  He sighed. “I know I am. And I’ve already told you once, Julianne. I can’t keep having this same fight.”

  “Then let’s not fight.”

  “Baby, we’re engaged to be married. You have already said that you choose me. If you are really committed to making this work, we can’t keep fighting over Travis.”

  It was the same conversation I felt like we had already had ten times, but there it was again. My choice was clear, and I had promised Nick that I would dedicate my life to his. So I had to promise myself that I would stop running to Travis. I needed to run to Nick instead.

  “Can we just start over from scratch?” I asked.

  He was quiet for a moment, looking everywhere but at me, and then he finally met my eyes. “No, baby, we can’t. We’ve come too far. Starting over means erasing the good stuff, too, and I refuse to do that.”

  “So the good outweighs the bad?”

  A small smile graced his perfect lips. He nodded. “The bad has been pretty rough, but I fully believe that what we have is strong enough to get through it.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God.”

  “Are you willing to fight for us?”

  “More than I’ve ever wanted to fight for anything before.”

  He pulled my hand back into his and brushed his lips across my knuckles again. The feel of his lips sent a flutter through my heart. “Me, too. Let’s stop fighting with each other and focus on fighting for us.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  “Julianne, I have spent so much time thinking about you and Travis since that day he came into my office to tell me what had happened. I hate what happened, but I’ve already told you that it was my own fault. I am trying to get past it, but having you run to his arms every time something happens just isn’t working for me. I need you to run to me. I need you to need me.”

  I stood and crawled into his lap, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pressing my lips to his neck. I breathed him in. “Nick, I do need you.”

  “Then start showing me that,” he said, lacing his arms around me to hold me against him. He pressed his lips to my temple, and we both quietly enjoyed the feel of each other for a moment.

  “On that note, I have
more to tell you,” I said, anxiety rushing through my veins.

  He raised his eyebrows. “About Travis?”

  “Potentially.”

  He stiffened in my arms.

  “My period is late.”

  I heard his sharp intake of breath, but otherwise he didn’t move. I felt the tension in the air.

  “How late?” he finally asked, his voice strained. Neither of us had moved, and I wished I had pulled back so that I could see his face and look into his eyes. Instead, my head rested in the crook of his neck, and his head rested against mine.

  “Ten days or so.”

  “Have you been to see your doctor?”

  “No. Lucy made me take a test.”

  “Lucy knows?”

  I nodded against him.

  “What did the test say?”

  “Negative.”

  I felt him stiffen again, and I wasn’t sure if it was from relief or disappointment.

  “Probably just stress. If you want to make sure, I’ll go with you to the doctor.” Something in his tone told me that he wouldn’t care whose it was. Something told me that he’d be there to hold my hand through it all no matter what. And in that moment, I fell a little more in love with the man I planned to marry.

  “I’m scared, Nick.”

  “About what, baby?” His voice was soothing, and I wasn’t exactly sure what changed. Maybe just the potential about what could be the future for us.

  “That I’m knocked up with somebody else’s baby when I’m sitting here talking about fighting for us. And the worst part is that I have no one to blame but myself.”

  “For one thing, if you’re pregnant, it doesn’t matter who it belongs to. I will be with you the whole way through. And second, not one of us is innocent, Julianne. I did something stupid, Travis reacted foolishly, and you did what you did. Whatever happens, we’ll face it together.”

  My heart swelled as I finally pulled back and looked at the wonderful man who held me in his arms. I pressed my lips to his. “Thank you,” I mumbled against his mouth.

  He pressed a hand gently to my belly in reply and kissed me hungrily. He finally pulled back. “You took a test and it was negative. But if there’s a little one in here, all I can do is pray that it’s mine. I already know I’m spending forever with you. I already know that we’re going to have kids together someday. Maybe this is just a jumpstart on our future.”

  I knew I shouldn’t have been based on our history together, but I was shocked by the love he showed for me. I couldn’t believe that he’d be willing to overlook my serious indiscretion just because he loved me so much and wanted to make a life with me.

  I had almost decided not to tell him at all until I was certain one way or the other, but it felt like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Just knowing that he would be here to support me no matter which way this turned out was enough for me.

  “Let’s get out of here,” he whispered. “Let’s go home and spend the day making up for lost time.”

  CHAPTER 24

  JULIANNE BECKER

  Monday morning found us back at the office. We had spent the rest of the weekend, as Nick so eloquently put it, making up for lost time, and Monday morning greeted me with horrendous cramps and a terrible headache.

  Turns out I wasn’t pregnant after all.

  I was relieved. As much as I wanted children someday, I always pictured being pregnant with my husband by my side, and while I now knew that Nick would be by my side no matter what, I never pictured being pregnant with another man’s child while a different man stood beside me.

  But it was more than just that. As much as I had wanted Travis to be a part of my life forever, I was focusing on Nick and making things right between us. Everything else would fall into place. And even though we’d spent a good chunk of the weekend making things right, he still hadn’t confessed the secrets of his past.

  When I had stopped him and told him that I would wait, I didn’t think he’d actually make me wait.

  Nick wanted to start the week with a Monday morning team meeting to touch base for our projects for the week, so we were sitting in his office at our meeting as I sipped from a hot cup of coffee at the same time Nick lifted his own cup of coffee in the air in a mock toast to me before lifting the cup to his lips. Our eyes met and he winked at me. I grinned as I thought about two private jokes we shared.

  First was the fact that Nick’s paperwork and iPad were spread out over the table where my naked ass had rested just two days earlier when I’d met him in his office. Now that I thought about it, I was certain that Bree had to have heard us in there. As embarrassing as sex sounds through the walls could be, I sincerely hoped that she had heard us. It had been hot and passionate, the kind of sex where we devoured one another simply because we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I wanted her to know that he was happy and he was taken, and what drove that message home more than hearing Nick fuck his fiancée through the office walls?

  The second private joke was the coffee we were both drinking. I thought back to all of the times we had met in the kitchen at McMillan to share a quick coffee break. I hadn’t known that Nick didn’t even drink coffee and that he was only doing it so that he could have a moment alone with me. And now it was my fault that he was addicted to caffeine.

  I was sitting next to Nick, who was at the head of the table. Bree, of course, sat on his other side, and when his knee accidentally brushed mine, I wondered if his other knee was accidentally brushing hers. The thought irritated me, but I was also within the first day of my period, so I hoped I was overreacting due to being extra emotional.

  But then again, this was Bree we were talking about. I watched as she not-so-accidentally touched Nick whenever she could; a light hold on the arm or a brush of his shoulder or a press of her fingers against his hand. I watched as she flipped her hair over her shoulder and gazed at him with lust.

  I was in a fight for my man kind of mood, but I also knew that I had to maintain professionalism.

  We each went around the table and discussed our current projects and shared ideas and comments. Cash went first, and each member of the team went around the table. Cash was next to Bree, so Bree would be last. Kaylee, Christine, Jace, Derrick, and Autumn all spoke, and then it was my turn.

  I had just finished discussing the social networking ideas I had for a marketing plan due by the end of the week when Bree interjected with a snide remark. “Aren’t those ideas a little outdated?”

  Of course the stupid bitch would try to make me look bad in front of Nick. But I had an ace in the hole this time.

  “Nick and I didn’t think so when we came up with the plan together this weekend at home,” I said with sugary sweetness as I shot a huge, fake smile her way. “Did we?” I asked, touching Nick’s arm in my best imitation of Bree.

  She glared at me from across the table as Nick eyed me warily. He knew I was staking my claim, but I didn’t care. I was more concerned that she knew I was staking my claim.

  “No. In fact, the Pinterest ideas were Julianne’s, but the Twitter hash tags were all mine,” he confirmed. “Which part did you think was outdated, Bree?” he asked, turning his attention to her. His knee found mine beneath the table, and neither of us moved. I knew that was his silent way of calming me down and making sure I knew that I had nothing to worry about.

  “Nothing,” she mumbled. “It’s fine.”

  “Alright,” he said. “Bree you’re up.”

  Her cheeks flushed and then she launched into an explanation of her biggest project that had a looming due date. When she wrapped up her discussion, she ended with, “Nick, I could really use your expertise on the final plan. Would you have some time today or tomorrow to go over it with me?”

  Nick flipped through his calendar on his iPad. “I’m booked through Thursday,” he said. She started to open her mouth to protest, but he interrupted her. “Kaylee and Derrick can help you. Email the finished draft to me forty-eight hours b
efore it’s due and I’ll send you feedback when I can.”

  He exuded power and confidence in that moment, and I melted a little in my seat as I looked over at him putting Bree in her place as he sat there in his gorgeous black suit, white shirt, and gray, black, and white tie. She deflated back into her chair. Nick assigned a few new projects, teaming me up with Cash on one of them, and then we headed off to our own offices to work.

  I was starting to see the huge advantages to the cubicles at McMillan. Anytime I wanted to talk to a coworker at the BKG office, I felt like I was invading their territory. At McMillan, it was easy to just yell across the cubes or walk a few feet over to see my colleagues. But here, I had to physically walk out of my office and into someone else’s. It felt so impersonal, and it was making it even harder for me to forge those important relationships with my coworkers.

  Even lunch was different. Nick tended to work through lunch, and often he had lunch meetings with high placed executives. I missed our nearly daily trips to the deli down the street.

  I knew I needed to stop living in the past, especially after the discussion we’d had just two days earlier about how I’d idealized everything. But it wasn’t as easy as it sounded to put it all behind me.

  I got home a little after six, and Nick had warned me that he had a late meeting. I decided to wait for him to do dinner, and I was glad I had. A text came around 7:15: I want to take you out to dinner tonight. Reservations at 8:00 okay?

  A date night sounded kind of perfect. I texted back, Perfect. Where should I meet you and what should I wear?

  His text back was quick: Don’t wear anything.

  I giggled aloud at his text, and then another one came through. I’ll pick you up on my way. Wear something dressy.

  I felt bloated and miserable, but I popped some Advil and threw on a green dress and matching heels. I found a black sweater that didn’t look horrible with my ensemble, and then I fixed my hair and touched up my makeup. Nick walked in just as I came down the stairs.

  He paused and gazed at me for a moment. “I’m the luckiest man in the world,” he murmured, and then he stalked toward me and took me in his arms. “You look beautiful.”