Nobody Knows

by Rebecca Barber

  Twenty minutes later, I had finished another two Midori cocktails and Rhiannon reappeared. “You have two amazing daughters, Gillian. You know that, don’t you? And with another one on the way. With the exception of the asshole you married, you really do have it all,” she gushed.

  I went white. Instantly I felt sick. I had completely forgotten about the child I was carrying. What sort of mother was I? Before I knew it I was vomiting incessantly into Rhiannon’s kitchen sink. Just the hazy thought of what I had done was enough to keep me throwing up. Guilt consumed me and just made me purge even more.

  “What happened?” Rhiannon asked, one hand holding my hair out of my face and the other rubbing my back comfortingly.

  “Rhiannon,” I gasped between vomit explosions, “I’m pregnant. And drunk,” I said as I burst into tears.

  “Oh fuck!” she exclaimed. As she said the words her face dropped too. She’d known I was pregnant, but with everything that had happened this afternoon, it had just completely been forgotten. “Move!” she exclaimed before joining me at the kitchen sink.

  Forty minutes later both Rhiannon and I were slumped against the kitchen cabinets, sipping delicately at ice water, too afraid to tempt our stomachs with anything stronger.

  “I can’t believe I forgot!” I was so furious at myself that I was no longer angry with Joel. “What sort of irresponsible and stupid mother compromises their unborn child’s health like that?”

  “Calm down, Gillian,” she said unconvincingly. “You and your son will be fine. Yes, it’s not the best idea I’ve ever had, but it’s not like you do this every day. And let’s face it—you’re not the first mother to have a few drinks while you are up the duff. And you certainly won’t be the last. Come on.” She pulled me up off the floor and led me towards the bedroom.

  I sat on Rhiannon’s bed while she pulled the shirt up over my head as I stared dead ahead, unblinking. The tears had ceased, but the feelings behind them were all-consuming and paralyzing. Rhiannon had managed to get me stripped down to my panties and bra and into her bed. All of a sudden I felt alone. I wanted to be home in my bed, curled up beside Joel, his hands resting on my stomach, promising me that everything would be all right. Just like he had done when I was pregnant with Charli.

  I snuggled in under Rhiannon’s quilt and fell into a fitful sleep, Rhiannon sitting beside the bed watching over me like an angel. An angel who had just spent the past four hours feeding me wine and cocktails, who now felt extremely guilty, and was praying feverishly that nothing went wrong with my pregnancy.

  It was eleven o’clock the next morning when I stumbled into Rhiannon’s en suite and washed my face. When I saw the clock in the mirror’s reflection I flew into panic mode. The girls were supposed to be at school and I’d slept too late. Again. I’d let them down because I was asleep. More surprising, they hadn’t jumped on me and woken me before now. And the apartment was weirdly silent. I pulled on yesterday’s clothes, scrubbed my furry teeth with my finger and some toothpaste, and ran my hands through my hair, trying in vain to tame it.

  Ducking into the kitchen, I saw Rhiannon sitting quietly sipping coffee and reading the paper. “Morning,” she said happily. Where I looked and felt like I had been hit by a bus, Rhiannon was positively radiant. No signs of a hangover or lack of sleep. “There’s fresh coffee in the pot and croissants in the oven. They’re still warm.”

  “I can’t. I am really late. I have to get the girls up and dressed and to school and somehow explain all of this,” I listed frantically, trying to pull on my shoes, but I was having trouble coordinating my feet with my hands.

  “Gillian!” Rhiannon snapped forcefully. “Sit down. Have a coffee and listen,” she bossed, pouring me a steaming cup. “The girls are already up and dressed and at school. I drove them there this morning, after a quick stop at the shops to buy them some new clothes. I didn’t want them in yesterday’s clothes; they would never live that down. I packed lunches, drove your car with their booster seats, and explained to their teacher that I was their godmother, I was just dropping them off, and that you would be picking them up this afternoon. Everything is all okay.”

  “But how? What? Why? When?” I babbled, talking large gulps of scalding hot coffee, trying to numb the pounding behind my eyes.

  “Just breathe…I was up at six, they needed me to do it, and even if you don’t want to admit it, you needed me to do it. You were absolutely exhausted, Gillian. And I love you and that little boy you are carrying. I know how much you’re going through, so if letting you have some peace and quiet for a couple of hours is how I can help, then that’s what I am going to do.”

  Rhiannon was so different than the carefree girl I had known years ago. The old Rhiannon would have gotten me drunk and then laughed as I stumbled through the next day feeling sorry for myself. But now she was going above and beyond. She was the epitome of the helpful and caring girlfriend. And as much as it pained me to admit it, she was exactly right. I needed the break. Usually Adele helped, but right now I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what was going on. I knew she would find out eventually, but right now I couldn’t tell her. If Joel did, that was his business, but I wasn’t prepared to answer those questions.

  “So, your girls are sorted. Now, what are we going to do with you?” Rhiannon asked, refilling her coffee cup.

  “I need to go home.” As soon as I said the words aloud I felt shivers run through my body. I knew I had to go home—I had never planned on staying away this long—but the truth was that I was terrified.

  “Well, let’s get you home then!”

  “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. You’re unbelievably kind and caring, but this is something I have to face. On my own.” I felt bad. Rhiannon had put herself and her apartment at the mercy of my tears, drunken tantrums, and daughters, and now I was telling her that I didn’t want her help.

  “It’s okay, Gillian. I know. And I understand. Just remember that my door is open if you want to come back. Today. Tomorrow. In a week. Or even in a year. Just don’t let him win!” She hugged me tightly and I felt the unwelcome but all too familiar tears gather on my eyelids.

  “I’ll try,” was all that I could commit to.

  “Gillian, please just remember one thing for me. You are a strong, fiercely independent woman with the world at your feet. He might be your husband by law, but if he won’t man up and be the husband he should be, don’t you settle for anything less. You deserve better.”

  “Thank you. For everything. You don’t know how much I appreciate it, I really do. But I have to go. I have to face the truth and deal with it. Besides, it’s almost lunchtime. He won’t be home for hours. He’ll be at work, ’cause he is very important, remember?” I laughed aloud and I was shocked at how good it felt.

  “Yep, that’s what he keeps telling himself, anyway. Call me if you need me.”

  “Promise,” I agreed, and with one final hug I forced myself out the door and into the elevator.

  As I turned the key in the ignition and turned onto the main road towards the inevitable, I cast my mind back over the past twenty-four hours. I can’t begin to describe how thankful I was to Rhiannon. She had done all she could, and I knew there was nothing I could do to ever repay her. She had said and done all the things that I needed her to do, with, of course, the exception of feeding a pregnant woman large quantities of alcohol.

  I pulled into the driveway, pleased that no one was there. I felt cheap and dirty. I could think of nothing that I wanted more desperately than a long, hot bubble bath filled with salts and relaxing lavender oil. I parked on the driveway; I would have to go out afterward anyway. I had to collect the girls from school and today I had promised myself I would be early. There was no way I was risking being late two days in a row. God knows the last thing I needed was to be known as a negligent mother.

  I got to the front door and was astounded to discover the front door wasn’t locked. Immediately I panicked. I couldn’t help it. Joel was such a sec
urity-conscious freak he wouldn’t have deliberately left it unlocked. And why wasn’t the security alarm blaring and deafening the entire street? Carefully I pushed open the door and jumped almost a meter off the ground as it squeaked open. Typical. It had never squeaked before, but the one time that I needed it to stay quiet it made more noise than Charli and Bianca fighting over Barbie’s wedding dress.

  I stepped cautiously into the lounge, but nothing seemed out of place. The television was still there. The DVD recorder, even the digital camera on the coffee table hadn’t been touched. We obviously weren’t being robbed.

  “Hello?” I called out. No one answered. Just the eerie sound of my own trembling voice echoed back.

  Maybe Joel had just stuffed up and not pulled the door shut hard enough when he ran off to work this morning. It was weird but not completely impossible. Standing in the middle of the lounge I looked more closely. The only thing out of place was a throw on the couch. There was no sign of anyone, so it was the only plausible explanation.

  I dropped my handbag on the bench and headed straight into the bathroom. It felt strange taking my bath in the main bathroom instead of the en suite. I’d never used it before. As I sunk into the steaming water I felt all my anxiety simply evaporate. I closed my eyes and simply went with it. The relaxed sensation began in my feet and travelled all the way through my body until it felt like I was floating on air.

  “About time you got home!” Joel boomed, throwing the door open and letting it slam against the wall, leaving a hole in the wall where the handle had punched through the plaster board.

  In that moment my heart stopped. When it started again it was racing. I jumped five feet in the air, water spilling everywhere. “What the fuck!” I swore, scrambling out of the bath and almost slipping as I reached out to grab a towel hanging on the rack beside me.

  “This is my fucking house. Where have you been? And where the hell are my girls?” Joel spat angrily.

  I looked at him and didn’t recognize the man standing there staring at me. Tragically, in that moment, I remembered the first time Joel had caught me in the bathroom. It seemed like a million years ago and I had never imagined that all the romance and love would fade as quickly as it had. But that just went to prove how young and stupid I really had been.

  “The g-girls are at school,” I stuttered, too afraid to offer anything more.

  Huffing and puffing, Joel strutted back and forth, rage gathering on his quivering top lip. “Don’t…where have you been?” Joel snapped, holding up a finger indicating that he wasn’t done with me just yet.

  I stepped back, my legs crashing into the side of the bath, forcing me to reach out and grab the towel rack just to maintain my balance. Joel stepped towards me menacingly. In all honesty I had expected this kind of outburst from Joel when I finally saw him. But I thought I would have had a few more hours to prepare. He should have been at work, then I wouldn’t have been caught so off guard. I would’ve had a chance to come up with the answers to his questions. I wouldn’t have been found in a room where I was cornered between the wall and his explosive temper. I would have been fully clothed. But instead he had the upper hand. He had all the control. And I was back pedaling as fast as I could, just fighting to stay in the game.

  “We stayed at Rhiannon’s last night,” I admitted. As soon as I said it I felt guilty. I should have never have mentioned Rhiannon’s name. Now she was involved in my mess.

  “So you and I have a minor disagreement and you run to Rhiannon and blab about our personal problems? Fuck, Gillian. Grow up. Why do you always have to run to your friends?”

  “Because I don’t have a family. Screw you, Joel. You kicked me out of my bedroom. Tell me, what sort of personal life do we have? We’re fucking flat mates. The only thing we have in common are the amazing daughters that you fathered then conveniently forgot about,” I dared.

  Hanging out with Rhiannon had given me a courage I didn’t know I had. This life I had with Joel, I realized, wasn’t the life I wanted. This wasn’t enough for me. And this life, this fake marriage, wasn’t something I wanted my kids to see. I didn’t want them growing up thinking this was normal.

  “What did you say?”

  “Nothing. Just forget it. Like you do everything else.”

  “Fuck you, Gillian. I do everything for you—”

  “No you don’t,” I cut him off angrily. “You might pay the bills, but there is no way that you do everything. When was the last time you took the time out of your very important day and spent time doing your daughter’s homework with her? Or read Bianca a story? Or even asked how I was doing carrying your son? What happened to the man I married?”

  Joel physically recoiled at the questions. And I have to admit it felt so good to watch him squirm. I took the opportunity to pull the towel tighter around me.

  “Don’t you dare throw this back on me, Gillian. You have no idea what I am going through.”

  “Well, tell me!”

  “What?”

  “You think you’re going through something. How about talking to me? Instead of packing all my things and throwing me out of my bedroom, why don’t you try being an adult about it and just tell me what’s going on?” I challenged, pushing past him and storming into the spare room which had now become mine.

  Joel followed me in and watched silently as I pulled on a pair of old grey tracksuit pants and a striped sweater as fast as I could, not pausing to bother with underwear.

  “Do you even care what I do all day, or just that your ATM card works each time you use it?” he asked angrily.

  As horrible as it was to be arguing over this petty crap, it was the first real conversation we had in weeks. “What have I done to make you think that I hate you?”

  “Just forget it,” Joel walked away dismissively. “But don’t you dare think you can take my girls away from me.”

  Summoning all my strength, I called after him, “Fuck you, Joel. Don’t you dare walk away from me! Why did you kick me out of our bedroom?”

  “Gillian!” he growled.

  “Come on, tell me!”

  I watched as he spun on his heel. Even his strut was angry. A moment of fear passed through me but I was in too deep to back down now. Facing me, I could feel the hate. It was tangible.

  “You’re a leech. You have done nothing but ruin my life for the last seven years. You trapped me in a life that I didn’t want and now yet again you go and get pregnant. All I ever do is work to pay for everything. You mean nothing to me. Don’t you get that? If you left then maybe I could have my life back. One that resembles something like the one I wanted. Not this domestic bullshit.”

  “Come on, Joel, don’t hold back,” I tempted, following him into the lounge. By now we were bellowing at each other and I was glad that we had such a big house. There were no neighbors who could hear our arguments through paper thin walls.

  “I want you to get out,” Joel stated so coldly that I almost ended up with frostbite on my ears and nose.

  “This is my home, Joel. Mine and my daughters,” I reminded him.

  “No, Gillian! This was my home. A home you turned upside down again and again and again until I could barely recognize it or myself.”

  “Is that what you really believe?” I asked, flabbergasted.

  “I don’t know how else to say it, Gillian. I don’t want you in my life. That’s why you’re no longer in it. That’s why I kicked you out. I couldn’t bare the suffocation and boredom anymore.” The way Joel said it broke my heart. He was no longer yelling, he was no longer leering over me, or imposing himself. Instead, he sat down at the kitchen bench, sipped his water and spoke slowly and calmly to me. The part that hurt the most was that he was perfectly composed. He wasn’t speaking out of spite or anger or frustration. He was speaking from his heart, no matter how black that heart was.

  As tears silently streamed down my face, Joel got up and walked away without looking back. He took the keys from his pocket. I watched in silence a
s he unlocked the newly installed dead bolt on his bedroom door. As he vanished into his room I heard his mobile ring, then heard him let out a pained roar and a long list of colorful expletives.

  My marriage was over.

  Chapter

  Twenty-One

  Six Years Later

  I dropped Lucas off at his first day of kindergarten and tried not to cry. I hadn’t realized just how different boys were than girls until that moment. When Bianca and Charli had gone to school they wouldn’t let go of my hand and begged me to stay for hours. Eventually I prized myself from their grip and snuck out the door. But Lucas had pretty much waved goodbye as he got out of the car and said, “See you later.” No kiss, no hug, and no tears, at least not from Lucas.

  Squinting through my tears, I was glad I had taken the morning off work. They had been pretty understanding about the whole thing even if they didn’t know the full story. I headed toward the office, but glancing at my watch realized I still had a full hour before they expected me. I had thought dropping Lucas at school would take longer, but since it was quick and painless, I had enough time to take myself out for coffee.

  I convinced myself the free parking spot just out the front of my favorite coffee shop was a sign. Extra me time, a vacant spot, no queue, and the best ever apple cinnamon muffins staring back at me. Opening my wallet was the only disappointment. These days I barely had twenty dollars to my name. Not enough for anything really. Hunting around in the car I felt like I had won the lotto when I found a couple of two dollar coins wedged in between the cookie crumbs in the backseat. I had no idea how long they had been there or where they had come from, but finders keepers rules applied in my car.

  Ecstatic with my find, I jumped from the car, all my enthusiasm returning, and dashed up to the counter and ordered my breakfast. After he handed me the steaming latte and muffin, I thought about sitting outside on the chairs on the walkway and then spotted a huge tree in the middle of the park just across the road. “Bugger it,” I chastised myself as I darted between cars and planting my bum down beneath its shady branches.