Nobody Knows
Page 22
I watched in silence as Charli swatted her tears away. Even though I was desperate to know, I knew I couldn’t push her. As much as it was freaking me out, Charli was the most important thing. I watched as she struggled to gather her thoughts before exhaling heavily, “I told…told the police,” was all she managed to get out before collapsing heavily in another fit of tears.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. My already fragile daughter had broken. She was lying in my lap, nothing more than the shell of the vibrant young woman she was becoming, a babbling incoherent mess.
“Told the police what, sweetheart?” I asked, forcing my voice to remain stable. A million thoughts raced through my head, none of them good.
Sniveling, Charli looked up at me with fright. I could feel her trembling against me. She was a mess. That was the only way to describe her. A complete and utter mess. “I…I told them that he hurt you,” she cried again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mum,” she kept repeating between sniffs and sobs.
And there it was. The truth was out now. No going back. My own daughter had more courage and more tenacity than I did. She had done what I should have. I was weak and I knew that, I had always known that, but Charli was brave. And now it was destroying her.
“Don’t you apologize,” I said stubbornly, lifting her face to look me in the eye. “Charli, you did the right thing. You know you did, or you wouldn’t have done it. And I should have. I should have been the one to tell them what he did. But I was too scared.”
“Mummy,” she cried again, squeezing me tighter and not letting go.
“It’s okay,” I reassured her, not really certain of whether it was. Charli would be all right because I would never let anything happen to her, but I knew Joel. I had known him a long time and I knew there would be repercussions. I would bear the brunt of his fury, but it didn’t matter. The truth was out there now. Nothing he could do would ever take that away. “You did the right thing. Everything will be okay.”
In more pain than I could stand, I wriggled out from under Charli and brought her up beside me. By the time Adele returned with the Bianca and Lucas, Charli had managed to cry herself to sleep in my arms, just like she had when she was six months old.
“We brought you a drink, Mum,” Bianca said, handing me the bottle of water proudly.
“I got the straw, Mum,” Lucas added, sticking a blue straw in my hand. “I got to choose.”
“Thank you,” I said as I accepted the drink. I was parched and drinking through a straw wouldn’t have been my first choice, I just wanted to up end the bottle and down the lot in one long swallow, but Lucas had so proudly brought it back I had to use it. “Mmmm,” I murmured in appreciation, masking my desperation. After all, it was just a bottle of water.
Adele looked at me oddly over their heads. “She okay?” she mouthed silently indicating Charli.
Shaking my head sadly, I honestly didn’t know. I didn’t know if she would ever forgive herself for what she had unwittingly set in motion. I understood her motives and I loved her more than anything for it, but I knew what would happen from here. She hadn’t been able to see any further into the future. All she wanted was for it to stop. To stop having to run away in the middle of the night. To stop the bruises and the beatings and me being hurt. She was protecting me and I loved her more than words could ever describe for it, but now I needed her to let me deal with the rest. She wasn’t getting any more involved than she already was. Nothing was going to come back on her for this.
“Adele,” I asked as normally as I could muster. “Did the doctor say anything to you about when I can go home?”
“No, they didn’t. But I can go and find out if you like?”
“That would be good. I need to go home. Lucas and I have a half-finished game of tennis, don’t we, mister?” I asked, watching as he climbed like a monkey back up onto the bed. For a single bed it was suddenly very small. Charli stretched out asleep next to me, Lucas perched on the end, and Bianca stood beside me looking lost. “Come on, missy. Up you get.” As soon as the words left my lips, an enormous and generous smile consumed her and she scrambled up to join us.
“I’ll go see what I can find out,” Adele offered, tossing her handbag over her shoulder. “Lucas, you’re in charge,” she nominated, scruffing up his hair before disappearing out the door.
After pointing at everything in the room and asking what it all was, Lucas seemed to be satisfied just to poke my cast. Then out of the blue, Bianca sat up and said, “Mum, can we go home soon?”
“Sweetie, Nana’s just gone to find the doctor to see when I can go home, and then we are out of here. But if they won’t let me go today you still get to go home tonight with Nana,” I tried to explain.
“That’s not home. That’s to Nana’s house. I want to go to my house,” she pouted.
Trying not to upset anyone, I tried to explain as best I could, which, admittedly, was very poorly, “You can’t go home until I can. So, as soon as the doctor says that Mummy’s hand is okay to go home, then we will all go home together. We just have to wait.”
“How long?” She frowned, crossing hers arms across her chest defiantly.
“When Nana comes back we’ll know.”
I couldn’t help but scrutinize her tantrum as the words sunk in. She had started off sulking and annoyed, but as she began to understand what was happening her face softened and she came back to me. “When we get home, can I sign your cast?” she asked randomly. I was relieved. No more questions about going home or Joel or why we were here. Instead, she wanted to draw on my cast.
“Me too, Mummy,” Lucas chimed in.
“As soon as we get home you can both draw on it.” I knew I would have the best looking cast ever.
“Charli too?” Bianca checked. She was always looking out for Charli, and I had never been more proud of my kids. It didn’t matter what was happening, they were still amazing people. Somewhere along the way I must have done something right.
“Charli too,” I assured them, getting two wide toothless smiles in reply.
Although I had enjoyed the silence earlier, I wouldn’t have traded these moments for anything. Just us being a normal family. The simple things. It made everything else seem unimportant and petty. Even if it was only for a few precious moments when everyone was happy and healthy, it was the best part about being a mum.
Adele reappeared and told me that I would probably be able to go home tomorrow night. They wanted to check on everything and make sure the drugs had completely worn off before they sent me home. It took me almost an hour to convince the kids that I was fine and I would be home soon. Charli was reluctant to leave, so much so that she threw her first tantrum in almost three years. It was undeniably convincing. She was worried about me and about Joel finding out what she had done. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that there was a better than probable chance he already knew.
As I watched them leave, the silence once again enveloped the room. I missed them. Before I had found safety and peace in the silence, but now it was suffocating. Charli’s words repeated in my head and I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread. I loved her for what she had done and I admired her resolve and strength, but I now found myself praying feverishly that Joel never found out. I couldn’t help but wonder if he would turn on his own daughter once he knew, and that was the most sickening feeling imaginable.
I drifted off to sleep again, hoping to sleep dreamlessly through the night. I didn’t want to wake up and I didn’t want the nightmares. But predictably, they haunted me. Twice I woke with a start, drenched in a cold sweat, the monitor beside me blinking incessantly. A nurse appeared both times, alarmed by the buzzing noises of the monitor. The second time she appeared, she checked on me then disappeared before returning with a crossword puzzle book. Stretching out on the chair beside me, I wasn’t entirely sure what she was doing.
“Is something wrong? Should I be concerned?” I asked, glancing at the monitors, wishing I understood them.
And she was right. As soon as I stopped concentrating on the machines around me and let go of the fear that Joel would find me in the middle of the night, I slept like a baby. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. Or, in my case, the nurse at the foot of my bed.
Dawn broke and sunlight filled my room. As I came out of my daze I realized that the nurse was gone, but there was a note on my table over the foot of my bed.
You will be fine. You are safe here. We can help. All you need to do is let us.
I didn’t know whether to panic or just be thankful. Did she know what was going on? Had she told anyone? Or was she just suspicious? I didn’t know which way to look. My eyes scoured the room for something, anything, out of place, but everything seemed to be okay. Nothing moved. Nothing missing.
After my breakfast was delivered I waited impatiently for the doctor to come and discharge me. A bubbly young blonde with cropped hair and too many piercings in her ears and even one in her nose basically skipped into my room. “Hi, I’m Honey,” she sang.
“Of course you are,” I murmured under my breath, sitting up. “I’m Gillian,” I said, sticking out my hand awkwardly.
“Oh, I don’t shake hands. I prefer to start with a hug.” Before I could stop her she was on top of me hugging me softly. If it wasn’t so weird it would have been exactly what I needed, but I had no idea who she was.
“Umm,” I said, tapping her shoulder. As she moved away from me her animated face began to droop into a fuzzy frown. “I’m sorry,” I said, as I began wondering how I had upset her.
“Don’t be,” she waved dismissively, jumping up and perching herself on the end of my bed. “Let me introduce myself. As I was saying, my name’s Honey. I’m a counselor here at Canberra Hospital…”
I didn’t let her finish. “Look, Honey,” It came out more forcefully than I had intended. “I appreciate you coming to see me, but really, I don’t need a counselor. What I need is for my doctor to finish reading the paper, put down his coffee and come and sign the papers saying I can go home.” I was surprised by my own honesty. Maybe Charli had rubbed off on me.
“Gillian, I see a lot of abused women come through here in denial…”
“Get out!” I seethed. “I’m not in denial. And I don’t need your help. Please leave me alone.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll go. But just remember there are people here to help you if you ever want to talk.” She looked like the bubble she had floated into my room on had just burst.
“Actually, there is something you can do for me.” I smiled, watching her perk up instantly and her expression going back to that doe-eyed romantic I suspected she was.
“Anything.”
“Can you please ask my doctor to hurry up? I have a family to get back to.” As the words sunk in, so did her expression. “My family needs me.”
Defeated, Honey looked at me and shook her head. “Yes, Mrs. Matthews. I’ll find out what’s keeping him. Then you can go home to your loving family.”
I wanted to throw something at her vivacious little head. The way she spoke I knew she was judging me and she had no idea who I was or what I was going through. If I thought I would get away with it I would have sprung from my bed and smacked her across her judgmental face with my cast arm. But that would make me no better than the monster who put me in here.
And like that, my bubble burst. The reality of going home to Joel was back. I was in deep trouble, even if I couldn’t say it aloud or ask for help. Honey was right. Maybe that’s why I despised her instantly. She was right. My demons were waiting for me at home. But I knew I had to face them sometime. And I would face them on my own. Honey couldn’t help. No one could.
Chapter
Twenty-Eight
Joel
As Joel walked home his frustration and rage only increased. The more he stewed on it the more toxic his thoughts became. His life had spiraled so far out of control it was barely recognizable to him these days. Gillian had taken everything that had been important to him and ruined it.
Kicking at a plastic bottle that lay on the footpath, Joel cursed and muttered under his breath. Thinking the walk and the venting would help sober him up and calm him down, he was annoyed to realize that, although it was sobering, his rage only festered and grew.
“That fucking bitch!” he snarled, pausing long enough to watch the latest model Audi go screaming past. It only fed Joel’s anger. It was just another memory of his happier, easier days. With all the strength he had he kicked the bottle at the Audi, missing it by mere centimeters as it took off down the road, leaving Joel standing alone in his fury.
Three hours later, hot, sweaty, and dirty, Joel stumbled through the front door. Heading straight for the shower, he stood there for twenty minutes letting the icy water bead on his chest.
There was still no one home. Standing alone in his massive home, Joel realized he missed his children. Lucas was an amazing young boy who Joel knew he’d neglected for far too long. He had never taken the time to be the dad that Lucas deserved. And Bianca was an angel. Even though she never knew it, when the house was quiet and Joel was alone, he would go and sit in her room and spend hours admiring the drawings she had done. Although she never knew he saw them, he had noticed the change. Barely two years ago Bianca had drawn a picture of a happy family, the five of them having a picnic on the beach, but now the pictures had changed. There were still five people in the pictures, but he was gone. In his place stood his own mother.
Then there was Charli, his eldest daughter, the one who started all of this. Joel knew he shouldn’t resent her for that, but he couldn’t help it. When the cracks had begun to appear in his marriage and his life, he had tried to hide it from her. It wasn’t her fault that she was born. But the more his marriage and life fell apart, the harder it was to hide. Gillian hadn’t slept with him in years. And Charli had seen other women coming and going from the house at all hours. Joel couldn’t even remember the last conversation he had with her where he wasn’t yelling at her, telling her to shut up.
Then it hit him. Suddenly it all made sense. Why should Charli protect him? In her eyes he was no longer part of their family. He didn’t eat dinner with them. He didn’t talk to them. He never helped with homework. He didn’t care.
Feeling the fury begin to consume him again, Joel picked up the phone and punched in his mother’s number. He wanted to talk to Gillian and he wanted to talk to her now. There were things that needed to be said. Some home truths she needed to know. And she needed to know them now. They couldn’t wait. Before she had the chance to feed their kids any more lies, Joel had something to say about it.
The phone rang and rang, and Joel grew more and more impatient. When the answering machine picked up, Joel slammed down the phone, irritated. But he was determined. Instead of giving up, he dialed his mother’s mobile number. But when that too went through to the answering service, Joel convinced himself that Adele was avoiding his calls.
“Fuck, Mum!” he exclaimed, grabbing a cushion from the sofa and throwing it at the walls, knocking a picture off. He watched with astonishment as the frame slid down the wall and the glass shattered into a million pieces. With a deep, satisfied laugh, Joel grabbed his keys and took off. The destruction of something Gillian treasured felt good.
When he arrived at his mother’s place he could hear giggling and happiness. The kids, his kids, were definitely there. He rapped on the door ferociously.
“Coming,” he heard hit mother call out in frustration. A moment later she opened the door and was unable to hide the shock on her face. “Joel!” she exclaimed, stepping out the door before closing
it behind her, standing toe to toe with her son.
Joel found it strange that his own mother hadn’t invited him into her house but instead joined him on the front patio. “Hi, Mum,” he began, slightly off balance.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I came to talk to my wife. And you weren’t answering your phones,” he said a little too harshly.
“Joel, she’s not here.”
“Don’t lie to me!”
“She is not here.”
“I can hear them,” Joel waved his arms about animatedly.
Shaking her head, Adele stepped backwards. She was sensing the inevitable explosion she had already seen results of. “You can hear the kids. They’re here. They have been since they left your place. But Gillian isn’t. I promise you.”
“Well, where the fuck is she?” he fumed.
“Calm down,” Adele tried to placate her son. It was breaking her heart to see him like this. This wasn’t the son that she had raised. He was rude and angry and scary. He had been brought up better than that.
“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down!” he barked nastily. “Tell me where my wife is! She’s so pathetic to dump her kids on you and take off. And she has the audacity to call me irresponsible!”
Exhaling deeply, Adele shook her head. “Keep your voice down,” she hissed. “If you really think all that, Joel, you need more help than even I realized. First, those kids in there, they are your children as well, not just Gillian’s. And she didn’t dump them on me. I am their grandmother and they needed me. Gillian is still in the hospital. They haven’t let her out yet. Go home, Joel. Get some help. Don’t come near these kids until you have pulled yourself together. They deserve better.”
The words were barely out of her mouth before Joel was on her, grabbing her roughly and slamming her against the door. Adele squinted in pain as the door handle dug roughly into her hip. “What makes you think you have the right to talk to me like that?” he seethed.