Nudist Cruise

by Hailey McPherson

Chapter 12: Xiamen

  Armed with some more American candy, we left the ship again and went back into Xiamen. Instead of walking, this time we took a taxi, which was a good idea because we went a lot farther than the lake.

  We went to Nanputuo Temple, the most important temple in Xiamen. Liam does not particularly care about Chinese temples, but he likes the price. They are always free.

  “Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all,” he says.

  That is not entirely true. Many of them look alike and there is little point in going to most of them if it is not your personal family temple, but some are worth seeing just because they are so elaborate. It makes no difference whatsoever that we are not Buddhist. You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate Notre Dame in Paris.

  The best temples are also surrounded by nature. Some are on lakes and some have rivers running through them. Nanputuo Temple is at the foot of a small mountain, or a large hill.

  The temple itself was very crowded. This was a summer afternoon at the city’s most important temple, after all. Liam wanted to get away from the crowds and climb up the mountain. We both assumed there would be fewer people the higher we went. We were wrong.

  There were several trails going up the mountain. They were mostly old wooden steps and steps made of crumbling stones. The steps were not nearly as old as the temple, but they were old enough to warrant some kind of update. It did not seem like public safety was much of a consideration.

  Every trail was full of people wandering up, down and in every direction in between. Any time there was a choice between going left or going right, there was no road less traveled. It was equally crowded whichever way we went.

  Every once in a while there would be a little rest area that was flat and had places to sit. Some even had little stalls selling drinks and snacks. You can always find drinks and snacks in China. It does not make any difference where you are. There is always something to eat. These would have been nice areas to take a quick break, but they were all flooded with people. Some were so crowded that we had to push through everyone just to keep walking up the trail.

  One of these flat trails had a few small caves. Most of the caves were filled with tiny statues, mostly Buddha and Buddhist temple gods. One of the caves had thousands of statues. They were mostly only a few inches tall, but a few were two or three feet tall. They were all plastered in dirt. It looked like someone put them there a hundred years ago and then forgot about them. I have been to a few temples, and every temple has statues of their favorite gods, but I have never seen so many of these statues in one place. I have also never seen such statues so carelessly neglected.

  Liam was not at all impressed.

  “It’s like looking at someone’s garbage dump,” he said.

  I don’t think they were ever meant to be garbage. They were obviously put there on purpose, but it did need a serious cleaning.

  There was more mountain to climb, but we were both pretty tired. Getting through the crowds was more work than walking up all the steps and we did not even know what was at the top. We had no idea if there would be a smaller temple or just a nice view of Xiamen, or even a snack vendor.

  We decided to go back down and see the rest of Xiamen. We had very little time, and I knew from experience that pushing forward when Liam is tired and grumpy is never a good idea. We had already spent more time there than I expected anyway, and getting back down took as much time as going up with all the crowds.

  After Nanputuo Temple, we decided to go to Gulangyu, which is a smaller island just off Xiamen Island and the main tourist attraction of the whole area. It’s not a long walk from the temple to the ferry that goes to the island, but after climbing up and down that mountain, we were both ready for a taxi. If we were regular tourists we probably would have just walked, but we are both experts on dealing with Chinese taxis, so we know how to avoid the usual cultural misunderstandings.

  The ferry to Gulangyu is not free, but at US$1.25 roundtrip, even Liam could not complain. It only takes a few minutes to get to the island, but they pack the ferry so full that it seems like a much longer ride. I could smell what all the people around me had for breakfast when they belched every twenty seconds, as well as the usual Chinese smell of cigarettes and stale urine. Smoking is technically illegal on the ferry, but like a lot of Chinese laws, enforcement is not a priority for officials who would rather take their bribes and go to the nearest brothel.

  I don’t normally let the Chinese version of manners bother me, but with so many people so close, I had to keep my nose and mouth covered the whole time. It was not simply the smell. A hundred people coughing and sneezing in your face is never a good idea. It is their business if they refuse to ever cover their mouths, but it becomes my business when someone is an inch away from my face and aiming right at me.

  Liam usually lets the Chinese version of manners bother him. He is not the most polite person in the world, but like most Americans, he is easily appalled by some of the more repulsive things that Chinese people casually do in public. He hated every second of that short but endless boat ride.

  The short and stinky ride to the island probably has some good views, but I could not tell. As soon as they opened the gates to let people on the small boat, there was a mad rush as everyone tried to get a spot with a view. Those of us not willing to push and kick people out of our way were stuck in the middle. If my options are kicking children and old ladies to get a view or being polite and getting stuck in the middle of the crowd, I’m going to lose the view. I don’t kick children to look at an island that you can easily see from the ferry pier. I can’t think of any good reason to kick children.

  When the ferry stopped and they opened the gates to let everyone out, there was another mad rush as everyone tried to be the first person off the boat. I don’t understand why Chinese people always have to be the first everywhere, so I wanted to just wait until the ferry was empty enough that we could simply walk ashore. That was easier said than done as a group of taller than average Chinese men pushed me so hard that I almost fell to the saliva and urine encrusted floor of the boat.

  Liam wanted to go beat them up, but I forced him to stay with me. He is not a violent person, but I can see why he got angry watching me almost get trampled for absolutely no reason. The boat was not on fire, and the island was likely to be there all day. Hurting people to get there five seconds sooner made no sense to either of us.

  Eventually we got off the ferry in one piece and found ourselves on a nice little island. Gulangyu is the main tourist spot in Xiamen and I could see why. It looks more like a nice little island than a crowded Chinese city. This was where all the foreigners used to go to get away from the Chinese people back when foreigners controlled Xiamen. Now it’s a major tourist spot, so it is always full of Chinese people. I would say it was too full on the day we were there.

  One of the best things about Gulangyu is that no cars, scooters or bicycles are allowed anywhere on the island. This is supposed to make it one of the safest places for pedestrians in China. Unfortunately, there were so many people that it did not make any difference. They also had large golf carts that took people around the island. These were extremely dangerous since they were trying to push their way through the crowds, and the powers that be probably required no driver’s license or any kind of proficiency test to drive a golf cart.

  The island is dotted with hills, and at one point we were walking downhill when we saw one of these golf carts going downhill entirely too fast. It came inches from hitting a little girl and ran over the doll that she dropped when her mother barely pulled her out of the golf cart’s path in time. The golf cart driver never bothered to stop or even slow down after he almost killed a small child.

  “This is why I hate Chinese people,” Liam said.

  He does not really hate Chinese people, but he gets more annoyed than usual when he sees them do dangerously reckless things with complete disregard for life or anyone’s safety. I look at it as a different
culture that does not have the emphasis on public safety that we have. Liam sees it as a bunch of selfish people who would rather kill each other than wait their turn.

  Most of Gulangyu is an outdoor shopping mall. The only thing Chinese people love more than eating is shopping, and Gulangyu has plenty of both. Gulangyu advertises itself as an oasis away from the hustle and bustle of city life, but one of the first things you see off the boat is the shopping center with a KFC and McDonald’s. We tried to walk away from the shopping by staying on the outer roads around the island, but there was still tourist shopping everywhere.

  I knew we would not be on this island for very long. Liam’s patience was wearing thin by the minute and even I was getting tired of all the flashing lights and endless crowds, and I live in Hong Kong.

  I wanted to go up the tallest mountain on the island before we left. Liam had no desire to climb another mountain, but it was supposed to have the best views in all of Xiamen.

  All of the mountains in Xiamen are called mountains in both English and Chinese, but they are more accurately described as hills. None of them are more than a few hundred feet tall. The tallest peak on Gulangyu was higher than anything else, but it was not even close to being a mountain. So when we say we climbed two mountains that day, we actually walked up the steps of two hills.

  At the very top of the highest peak on Gulangyu was a very small observation deck. It had the best views of Xiamen. We could see the skyline across the harbor, the old houses on Gulangyu surrounded by all the shopping, and we could even see our cruise ship in the distance. It was a good view, but not an easy place to reach.

  Midway up the hill was another temple. Not as famous, but still crowded. Liam said that it looked just like Nanputuo. It did not, but it was another Buddhist temple that he could not have cared less about, and we were not there for the temple anyway.

  We kept going up the steps and I expected it to get less crowded the higher we went, for some reason. Of course, that never happened. Everyone else was there to go to the top and see the view just like we were.

  There were other rest areas just like Nanputuo, but the views were not nearly as good and they were all full of older people taking a break from the steps and humidity.

  “When we’re that old, we’re going to need to rest every five minutes,” I told Liam.

  “If I’m still in China when I’m that old, I’m going to kill myself,” he said.

  Liam was working his way up to getting about as frustrated by the large crowds as he could get at this point.

  “If this isn’t a great view, I’m going to kill somebody else,” he added.

  The highest observation deck at the top of the peak was much smaller than I expected. It could only hold maybe a dozen people all crammed together. I don’t know why they built it this way. There were probably a million people on Gulangyu that day and at least a few thousand trying to climb up this hill, but there was only enough room for a dozen at the top, and this is a place where everyone has to be first. They really should have made the observation deck bigger.

  When we reached the observation point, there was a huge crowd all trying to push their way to the top. It was like a thousand people trying to push into a subway train that holds one hundred, only it was going uphill and if you fell over the side, you would die.

  The observation deck was built with railings and stairs where you are supposed to go up on one side and down on the other. It is all clearly marked with large arrows painted on the ground and everything. It was designed with some kind of organization in mind, but it was still far too small.

  Unfortunately, Chinese people don’t like to go in the in door and out the out door. There were people trying to go up and down on both sides. Even if anyone wanted to follow the rules, the directional arrows on the ground were impossible to see with so many people walking over them. Hundreds of people were trying to be the first to the top space that only held a dozen.

  It was ridiculous. I would have just given up and gone back down, but we did that at Nanputuo and I wanted to see the view. We came all this way and I did not understand why I could not get my turn just like everyone else. We were so close that we could see the top step, but it might as well have been on the other side of a train station at rush hour.

  The worst thing about China is that if you want your rightful turn, you have to take it by force. Nobody in China is ever going to hold a door open for you and tip their hat with a top o’ the morning. You have to kick that door down if you want to get in.

  Liam was pretty much ready to hurt someone at this point, so I used him as a battering ram and we shoved our way up the stairs. It was not the polite thing to do, but if we had been polite, we would still be waiting up there.

  It was not the polite way, but it was the Chinese way. No one said anything to us or gave us dirty looks because they were all doing the same thing, or worse. We saw a grown man going up the down stairs and push a group of school children out of his way. Our way was actually polite by comparison, and standard operating procedure in China.

  The view was pretty good, probably the best in all of Xiamen, but I don’t think it was worth the loss of humanity to reach. I realize that Chinese culture is very different from my own, but I would still like to see people treat each other with at least a little consideration and maybe some common decency. Even a small space can hold everyone if they simply take turns.

  Liam and I were both ready to get off the island, but we still had to fight our way down the hill and to the ferry. We wanted to avoid the mad rush to get on the boat, so we held back and tried to get on at the back of the crowd. That failed miserably. When you have thousands of people all trying to be the first on a small boat that holds maybe a hundred, there is no such thing as the back of the crowd.

  We missed two different boats by trying not to join the herd. We quickly realized that the only way we were ever going to get on the ferry was to push our way in the crowd.

  “Just hold your nose and dive in,” Liam said.

  After we got pushed onto the boat, got pushed around while we were on the boat and got pushed off the boat, we were in front of the main shopping street of Xiamen.

  Liam’s head was ready to explode and the last thing he wanted to do was go shopping. He wanted to go back to the cruise ship. I thought we might as well look around as long as it was directly in front of us.

  “We’re never coming back here again,” I started to say.

  “That’s for god damn sure,” Liam interrupted.

  “So it’s worth taking a few minutes to see what all the fuss is about,” I finished.

  Zhongshan Road is a long pedestrian mall. Cars are not allowed on the road, but there were still a lot of scooters and delivery trucks. It was not any safer than walking on any other Chinese road.

  I was not terribly interested in shopping, especially since Liam was in a bad mood, but this was the main shopping street in the city. I thought there might be something of interest.

  “It has to be famous for a reason,” I told Liam.

  “Don’t bet on it,” he said.

  We saw a Walmart, and Liam wanted to go in and get a cold pop. Neither of us are big fans of Walmart, but we both thought an American company might make Liam feel better. Once again, we underestimated the Chinese penchant for taking something mediocre and tearing apart what little humanity it had left.

  This was the filthiest Walmart I have ever seen in my entire life. Americans like to make fun of the people who shop in American Walmarts, but this store made an American Walmart look like a grand Parisian palace. It was like shopping immediately after a nuclear war. They should film zombie apocalypse movies in this store. Even then, they would have to clean it up.

  Ceiling lights flickered on and off. There were stains on almost every ceiling tile – that is, the parts of the ceiling that still had any tiles. There were more than a few spots where something was dripping from the ceiling. The shelves have probably never been dusted. We saw at leas
t one rat running around the bags of rice. We looked at some “imported” pasta. Most of it was imported from Hong Kong or Beijing. Almost all of them had small insects partying in the bags.

  We decided not to buy anything. There were a few coolers that we thought might have cold drinks, but all of them were warmer than room temperature. One of them was even hot. I guess the people in Xiamen like to drink hot pop and juice.

  As we left the store, we saw a middle aged woman urinating in front of the door. She was not even off to the side. She was squatting directly in front of the door, oblivious to the thousands of people who could see her. A few people walked in her puddle and did not even seem to notice. People often stand directly in front of doors, oblivious to all the people who want to get in and out, but this sight was a first for me.

  “You know,” Liam said, almost laughing. “This is appropriate.”

  I was just as disgusted by all of it as he was, and we both had to laugh.

  “Welcome to China,” he said.

  We got in the first taxi we could find that did not have a smoking driver and who was willing to take us. Legally, they are all supposed to take any passengers and none of them are supposed to smoke in their taxis, but the laws and reality seldom play the same game in China. The taxi driver soon started to drive east, until I told him to do no such thing.

  “不要,” I said to the taxi driver. “北上.”

  He was shocked that I spoke to him in Chinese, even crappy Chinese, and he immediately turned around and took us where we wanted to go.

  Liam had wanted to go back to the grocery store to get more American junk food, but at this point he just wanted to get away from Xiamen. Getting the taxi driver to willingly take us to the store probably would have been difficult anyway.

  Getting back onto the cruise ship was the exact opposite of getting on the Gulangyu ferry. Not only was the cruise ship a million times bigger and cleaner than the ferry, but there were only a fraction of the people trying to get on, especially since we came back early. Most of the passengers would not board until the last minute.