With or Without You

by Helen Warner

  There was a pause and she could hear Charlie sitting down on the floor. She imagined him leaning with his back against the door, his long legs stretched out in front of him. The thought that he was there, guarding her, was at once soothing and comforting and the pain in her chest began to ease.

  Later, when she was out of the bath, Martha and Charlie sat on the sofas and ate the chicken soup he had ordered from room service. She had no appetite, but as soon as Charlie started eating she realised that she was absolutely starving.

  ‘You look like you needed that,’ Charlie remarked, watching as she wiped her mouth with the thick cloth napkin.

  ‘Sorry.’ Martha shook her head. ‘I didn’t realise how hungry I was.’

  ‘After Liv . . .’ Charlie began, then stopped.

  Martha looked up at him in surprise. So far, they hadn’t talked about what Liv had done. They had only focused on the early years of his relationship, on the happy times. Martha had sensed that it would be hard for Charlie to talk about the split, so she had proceeded gently.

  ‘After Liv,’ he repeated, ‘I fell apart, both mentally and physically. People joke about the heartbreak diet but it’s nothing to laugh about. It’s so important, to help you get through this, that you look after yourself. It’s important for you and it’s important for your kids.’

  Martha nodded, recognising the truth in his words.

  ‘Right now, you feel as though your whole life has ended and your heart will never heal. But it will. In time.’

  Martha allowed herself to be soothed by his voice and his gaze to hold hers. ‘Thank you,’ she murmured at last.

  ‘So,’ he said, breaking the emotion of the moment as a sudden glint of mischief appeared in his eyes. ‘I have an idea.’

  ‘Oh?’ Martha frowned, wondering what was coming next. The whole day had taken on a surreal quality and she felt like nothing could surprise her again.

  ‘I think you should come with me to LA for a couple of days.’

  Nothing except that, she thought, as her mouth dropped open in shock. ‘I can’t,’ she replied automatically.

  ‘Why not? You need something to take your mind off what’s happened. Plus, we need to push on with the memoirs and I’ve got meetings in LA that might be relevant to the book. It’s your job to come with me!’ His grin took away any barb that may have been contained within his words.

  Martha paused to formulate her thoughts. ‘I can’t come because I have two children who will be wondering where the hell I am. Because you are a huge movie star. Because I don’t know you from Adam.’

  Charlie’s eyes danced. He held up three fingers. ‘OK, firstly, your children will be fine with your husband.’ He pushed down one of the fingers. ‘Presumably you often have to go away for your job?’

  Martha nodded slowly.

  ‘Me being a movie star is irrelevant . . . except that it means I can afford to take you with me,’ he continued, pushing down another finger. ‘And finally, I don’t know who the hell Adam is, but I think you know me well enough to know that you will be quite safe with me.’ He pushed down the final finger. ‘So, what do you say?’

  Martha smiled. ‘I say you’re crazy.’

  Charlie considered it for a minute. ‘Of course I’m crazy. But don’t forget I’ve been where you are. I know exactly how you feel right now and I think a bit of crazy might be just what you need.’

  ‘You’re really serious?’

  Charlie raised his eyebrows. ‘Deadly.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Tonight.’

  Martha shook her head. ‘No. There’s no way I can get all my bits and pieces together and come to LA tonight . . .’

  ‘You don’t need anything except your passport,’ Charlie persisted. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve got it on you?’

  Martha hesitated. ‘Well, yes, actually. I always carry it in case I need ID’.

  Charlie raised his eyebrows. ‘That sounds like fate to me. I’ll get Jess, my assistant, to go out and buy you the essentials. Really, Martha, do it. Just get on that plane with me tonight.’

  In Martha’s head, she pictured Jamie at home, waiting for her return. He would be a mess. And as for the children . . . No, she couldn’t do it.

  But just as the thought left her head, she realised that she couldn’t face going home tonight either. She didn’t want to look into Jamie’s lying eyes and feel any kind of sympathy for him as he pleaded with her to give him another chance. Most of all, she didn’t want to have to put on an act for the children. Didn’t know if she even could. What if she went home and fell apart in front of them? It would scare them and she couldn’t bear to think of them being unsettled or upset. Maybe it would be better for them if she did just disappear for a couple of days?

  And Charlie was right, she often went away for a few nights when she was on an assignment, so they wouldn’t think it weird. She could call them and tell them there had been a sudden change of plan.

  Martha had always been such a good girl. She had worked hard as a journalist and a mother, had always put her family first and she had never cheated on any of her lovers, least of all Jamie. Maybe now was the time to put herself first. Maybe now was the time to jump.

  As the thoughts tumbled through her head and her heart started to race, she looked up and met Charlie’s eye. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘I’ll come.’

  Chapter 14

  Jamie jumped as his mobile rang, cutting through the silence of the house. He had been sitting at the table with his head in his hands, praying that Martha would come home. That she would give him a chance to explain. Not that he could explain it, even to himself. He just wanted to talk to her.

  ‘Hello?’ he said, his heart pounding. The number was withheld.

  ‘It’s me, Martha.’ Jamie shivered at the icy tone to her voice.

  ‘Martha! Where are you? I’ve been worried sick—’ he began.

  ‘I’m phoning to tell you that I’m going away for a few days,’ she cut in.

  Jamie’s stomach dropped. ‘Oh God! No . . . please, Martha, don’t go. We need to talk.’

  ‘You might need to talk, but I don’t want to hear any more of your bullshit.’

  Jamie felt the tears flash into his eyes. He hardly recognised Martha’s voice. She sounded so different. So distant and angry. Obviously his email had had no effect whatsoever. ‘What about the kids?’ he managed to croak.

  Martha let out a small sob. ‘I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep it together in front of them. I think it might be better if I get away for a couple of days until I can.’

  Jamie put his hand over his eyes, as if doing so would block out the horror of what was happening. ‘Martha . . . please,’ he began.

  ‘I’ll call them later,’ she interrupted, sounding slightly more conciliatory. ‘I’ll explain that I’ve got a last-minute assignment.’

  There was a pause. ‘Where will you be?’ Jamie said at last.

  ‘It’s none of your business, but I’ll be in LA.’

  ‘LA?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Who with?’

  ‘Again, it’s really none of your business,’ she said, her tone even colder than before, ‘but I’m going with Charlie Simmons. I’ll call the children later,’ she finished, hanging up abruptly.

  Jamie stared at the handset in shock. This was bad, really bad. Martha would never leave the children if she didn’t have to, and how the hell had she come to be going to LA with Charlie Simmons so suddenly? But the biggest and most pressing question, he thought, standing up and staring out over the back garden as Martha had done only that very morning, was how on earth was he going to hold it together himself in front of the children?

  It was 3.15 p.m. by the time Mimi rang the doorbell. She had her own key but never used it, saying she preferred to see her dad or, on occasion, her mum, as soon as she possibly could.

  Jamie opened the door and stood back as Mimi stepped through.

  ‘Hey Dad,’ she smiled brightly, immediat
ely causing tears to well up again in Jamie’s eyes. ‘What’s the matter?’ she said, looking at him closely. ‘What’s happened to your face?’

  ‘Um, nothing . . .’ Jamie wiped his eyes and rubbed the scratches on his cheek. ‘Cut myself shaving,’ he mumbled unconvincingly. He grabbed Mimi and hugged her tightly to him. ‘I really love you, you know that, don’t you?’

  He felt Mimi nod into his chest. They stood together for a few moments as he rubbed her back, more to soothe himself than her, until finally they broke apart. Mimi walked slowly into the hallway and dropped her bag on the floor, just as she always did. ‘Something’s not right,’ she said, looking around her slowly.

  Jamie swallowed.

  ‘The house is the tidiest it’s ever been. What the heck is going on?’

  Jamie followed her gaze. He had almost forgotten that he had spent hours cleaning. It seemed like a lifetime ago. It was as if the whole day had been suspended in time. ‘I, er, I decided it was time I cleaned up my act.’

  Mimi frowned, her large blue eyes narrowing as she did so. ‘Well, about time too,’ she said, in that voice that was so like Martha’s, as she walked slowly into the kitchen, looking around her in wonderment as if seeing the house for the first time. ‘Where’s Mum?’ she said suddenly, spinning around to look at him.

  Jamie looked away, unable to meet her eye. ‘She’s not here,’ was the best he could manage.

  ‘I can see that. Where is she?’ Mimi wasn’t going to be fobbed off.

  Jamie rubbed his face, playing for time. ‘She’s . . .’ he began, just as the doorbell rang again. ‘That’ll be Tom,’ he said, heading for the door, relieved to have been saved from an explanation, for the moment at least.

  Tom was pressing his smiling face to one of the small glass squares in the front door, his white blond hair visible in the square above. Jamie tried to smile back as he opened the door. Tom trudged past and dumped his bags beside Mimi’s on the hall floor.

  ‘Don’t I get a hug?’ Jamie said, his heart aching at the sight of Tom’s trusting, open face, so secure in his happy little life. The happy little life that was about to be blown apart.

  Tom gave Jamie a perfunctory hug before following Mimi into the kitchen. ‘Wow, everything looks different,’ he said, looking around. ‘Tidy,’ he added, as he helped himself to a chocolate Hobnob from the biscuit tin and got himself a drink of orange squash.

  Jamie leaned against the doorframe, watching his children as they settled at the table, ready to talk about their day, just as they always did before they would go off to do homework, play on their computers or listen to music.

  He hesitated, then poured himself a coffee and joined them. Mimi looked up at him expectantly. ‘So, what’s going on?’ she said, as direct and no-nonsense as her mother.

  Tom looked at Mimi in surprise, before turning to Jamie. Jamie felt his face burn under the scrutiny of the two pairs of eyes boring into him. ‘Well . . .’ he began, before shrugging helplessly, at a loss to know what to say.

  Tom frowned. ‘Where’s Mum?’

  Jamie took a deep breath. ‘She’s . . . well, she’s gone away for a few days.’

  ‘But she wasn’t well this morning,’ Mimi said quickly, and Jamie could almost see the cogs of her brain whirring as she spoke. ‘And she didn’t mention any assignments.’

  ‘No,’ Tom agreed solemnly. ‘She was throwing up this morning. So how could she go anywhere? I always have to stay in bed with a bowl beside me when I throw—’

  ‘Yes, we know!’ Mimi snapped. ‘So, what’s going on, Dad? Something’s not right.’

  ‘Oh God,’ Jamie mumbled to himself, rubbing his face again. ‘Look, your mum has had to go away for a few days unexpectedly . . .’

  Mimi frowned. ‘Where’s she gone?’

  ‘LA. She had to do an interview for the book she’s doing . . . um, with that guy,’ he continued, deciding that keeping his explanation as honest as possible was the best idea. ‘You know, Charlie Simmons, the actor? He’s gone to LA and Mum has to follow him to see how he gets on.’

  Mimi’s face crumpled slightly. ‘He’s the one she was photographed with in the paper . . .’

  Jamie clasped Mimi’s hand. ‘How do you know about that?’

  ‘Some of the girls at school had seen it. They said Mum spent the night at his hotel with him . . .’ A fat tear slid down her smooth, pale cheek.

  ‘Oh darling,’ Jamie reached over to hug her awkwardly across the table. ‘That’s not true at all. I burnt a hole in her dress, so he lent her some of his clothes to wear. It was completely innocent!’

  Mimi looked at him suspiciously. ‘You’re just saying that to protect her,’ she began, shaking her head. ‘Otherwise, why has she gone off to LA with him?’ She burst into noisy sobs as she finished speaking, and Tom, who never cried, followed suit.

  Jamie watched both his children helplessly, unable to reassure them. The only way he could convince them that Martha was innocent was by confessing to what he had done himself and he wasn’t ready to do that just yet. He couldn’t even begin to find the words.

  ‘Come here,’ he said in a choked voice, standing up so that he could hug them both. ‘I promise you, your mum has done nothing wrong. She has just had to go on assignment for a couple of days. I spoke to her earlier and she is going to call you later to explain. So, dry your eyes and let’s do something fun.’

  After a few moments, both children had calmed down. Mimi got up and took a tissue from the box on the window sill, with which she dabbed at her eyes. Tom wiped his eyes and nose on the back of his sleeve.

  ‘OK,’ Mimi fixed Jamie with her wide blue stare. ‘Do you promise, I mean absolutely promise, that nothing is going on between Mum and that guy?’

  Jamie blinked as he thought quickly. It was strange that Martha had gone off to LA with Charlie Simmons, but it was only because of what he had done. She couldn’t be blamed in any way. ‘I promise you, your mum has done nothing wrong,’ he said, wishing so badly that he could say the same for himself.

  Chapter 15

  Martha gazed unseeingly out of the window of the limousine that was taking her and Charlie to the airport. It was early evening and the pubs and cafés of London were alive with throngs of after-work drinkers, laughing and chatting in the late sunshine. She felt strangely numb. Only this morning she had woken up feeling so happy and content with her life. Nothing could have prepared her for the way she was feeling now, just fifteen hours later, as if she had had a terrible crash and was in some sort of suspended coma.

  The day had passed by in a fog. Charlie had listened patiently while she tried to make sense of what had happened. From the moment she arrived at the hotel, she had forgotten that he was a celebrity and had seen him as just another human being who had been through the same sort of trauma as her, albeit in a much more public and humiliating way. He had an amazing way of looking at her that made her feel as if he was embracing her, while giving her enough space to think and breathe.

  Although he didn’t offer any opinions about what Jamie had actually done, he did attempt to give a male perspective on what the reasons behind it could be; that maybe Jamie had felt emasculated being a house-husband and having to rely on Martha for money.

  Martha had shaken her head. ‘No, he did feel like that when he was first at home. But we found a way round it and he loved being at home. He loved being with the children.’

  ‘But I remember being at home with Felix, when he was small . . .’ Charlie tailed off as he wrestled with the memory, before continuing. ‘I loved it, but I think it’s human nature for men to feel as if they aren’t quite fulfilling their genetic potential if they have to rely on a woman for money.’

  ‘But you didn’t repay Liv by going out and sleeping with someone else, did you?’ Martha spat, desperately trying not to sound too bitter.

  ‘I didn’t,’ Charlie said quietly. ‘But she did, unfortunately.’

  ‘Would you . . .’ Martha began, before hesitat
ing, not sure if she should risk intruding too much so soon after meeting him. But then, he already knew far more intimate details about her than he could ever reveal about himself. ‘Would you have forgiven Liv?’

  Charlie held her gaze for a while before replying. ‘Yes, I would have forgiven her. I think I did forgive her . . . but would I have taken her back? I don’t know. I think that’s another issue.’

  ‘So would you?’ Martha’s breath caught in her chest as she waited for his answer.

  ‘Yes. Probably. But our relationship would have been so damaged . . . who knows whether it would have worked.’

  Martha chewed the inside of her lip. There was no doubt that whatever happened, her relationship with Jamie would be badly damaged by what he had done. Could there ever be a way back for them?

  ‘How are you holding up, Martha?’ Charlie asked now, interrupting her gloomy thoughts.

  ‘I’m not sure I should be doing this.’ She turned to look at him. ‘I should really be at home with the kids.’

  ‘Why don’t you give them a call? Make the decision once you’ve spoken to them. It’s not too late to go home if that’s what you want.’

  Martha smiled at Charlie gratefully. She couldn’t believe how understanding, kind and patient he had been. She reached into her bag and pulled out her phone. She hadn’t looked at it since she had left home that morning and had used the hotel phone to call Jamie. There were several missed calls and emails, which made her heart quicken in alarm.

  She scanned through the missed call list first. There were several blocked calls, which would probably have been from Louisa, Charlie’s PR, plus two calls from Lindsay. She thought back to the morning, when she had last spoken to Lindsay, just before making her horrific discovery. It was as if her life was suddenly divided into two parts: before the affair and after. Then she had felt so bad for Jamie, seeing her picture in the paper with another man. ‘Pah!’ she snorted aloud, drawing a quizzical look from Charlie.

  ‘Nothing,’ she said, shaking her head. She clicked onto her inbox to find that, among several others, there was an email from Jamie. The bile rose in her throat as she tried to pluck up the nerve to open it. She had a pretty good idea what it would say, but she didn’t know if she could stand to read his hollow words. Taking a deep breath, she clicked on it.