Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

“Oh yeah, Jake’s house is pretty sick,” he said as he led us onto the back patio where even more people were gathered. The fire pit was pretty amazing. It was a long wall of fire, more accurately, and it was warm to stand by. I just stared at it, noticing the hot of the blue and the bright orange of the rocks it was coming from. My head was turning on me a little and I stumbled a bit backwards as Tyler caught me.

  “Whoa, you’re buzzing a bit, aren’t you?” he chuckled. “Let’s get you inside.”

  I laughed a little at myself, too, and followed him back inside through a side patio door. We walked down a long hall, still full of people. He leaned back into one of the doors that opened into a dark room. He reached for my hand and grinned a bit, asking me to come in. Still spinning in my mind and fighting to completely erase the face Reed had made when he taunted me with Stephanie, I joined him.

  We sat next to each other on the edge of a bed, and I let my hands feel the softness of the comforter. “Whose room is this?” I asked, not really sure why I cared.

  “It’s Jake’s,” he smiled, leaning in and kissing at my neck. I let my mind wander and get lost in his attention for a while. He reached behind me while he kissed at my neck and slowly leaned me down against the bed. Lying next to me, he propped his body up sideways and leaned over me to kiss me harder on the lips. It was a kiss I had grown used to, so by natural reflux I grabbed his hair and pulled him in a little closer.

  His hands started to run up my leg, raising my skirt a little and roaming over my hip to the top of my dress. He moved his hand to the back of my dress to work down my zipper a little and then slowly slid his hand back to my skirt. This was making me nervous. I kept kissing him, but I was no longer lost in it. And when he reached for my underwear, I instinctively reached for his hand and pushed it away.

  This made him stop instantly. Looking at me, he squinted his eyes a little. “Not OK?” he asked, almost offended.

  I just shook my head no. “I’m not there yet, I’m sorry,” I smiled, embarrassed.

  Tyler shrugged a little and started kissing me again as he did before. We continued to kiss for several minutes when his hand slowly found its way to the same spot and I scooted my body backwards and blocked him with my hand again. “Tyler, I said no,” I was more forceful now. And despite the small bit of alcohol flowing through me, I was now filled with adrenaline, too.

  Tyler was still moving towards me, almost acting as if he didn’t hear me. I fought against him, pushing with my arms and legs as he tried to work his body over me. He was strong and the weight of him was growing more forceful and agitated. Panic was filling me and though I wanted to scream, I couldn’t seem to make a noise. I didn’t want anyone coming to my rescue, I wanted out of here on my own. I was mortified.

  Without flinching, I brought my knee up swift and hard to his groin, leveling him into the fetal position so I could stand, grab my purse, straighten my dress, and get to the doorway.

  I didn’t look back, but I heard him swear at me a little as I moved through the hallway. The music in the background was being drowned out by the heart beat pounding and the sound of blood flowing in my ears. I had no idea how I was going to get out of here, but I was going to.

  No one noticed as I walked through the front door and then made my way to the street. I started to jog a little and realized my strappy heals were making it hard. I pulled them off and held them in my hand so I could run faster, my feet stinging from the cold of the sidewalk. When I made it to the gates, I jumped and waved, trying to trigger them to open. When they wouldn’t, I laid my body flat on the roadway and slid underneath, tearing the front of my dress a little and smudging my face with the oil from the blacktop.

  I started running down the main roadway towards the more crowded neighborhoods. I made it a few blocks and then I thought I saw a car leave the gated community so I ducked into a side street and crouched behind someone’s landscaping. My hands were shaking so much it was hard to get the phone out of my tiny purse to dial. When Sean answered, I felt some of my panic finally release.

  “Sean, please. I need your help,” I’m sure I sounded petrified.

  “Nolan? What’s wrong? Where are you?” I heard the concern in his voice, and I couldn’t deny that I wanted him to be worried.

  “Tyler. He tried…” I stopped. I didn’t know how to finish that, but I did know that things weren’t going in a safe direction when I left that house.

  “Nolan, did he force you?” Sean sounded enraged.

  “No, no! I left. I got away, but I need you to come get me, Sean. Please? I’m so sorry to ruin your night with Becky,” I was shaking more now, my voice cracking.

  “We’ll both come, Noles. Where are you?” he asked; I heard Becky asking what was wrong, too.

  “I’m in Chandler, but barely. I have an address. I’m just standing outside someone’s house,” I felt helpless. “It’s the corner of…” I looked up to see the street sign, “147th and Mountain View. Right down the road from Old Trail Estates, that’s where I was.”

  “OK, stay there. If you get worried, call me. I’ll call you when I get close. And I’ll speed, Nolan!” Sean said.

  I sat down on the curb, pulling my knees in and cradling my shoes in my lap. I squeezed my legs from the chill of the cold and rocked myself a little while I waited for Sean to arrive. He must have gone fast, because he made the 50 mile trek in less than 30 minutes. Becky called and was telling me to look for them when I recognized his truck as it turned down the road and I stood at the corner, waving.

  When they pulled to the side of the road, Becky flung the door open and slid to the middle to make room for me. “Oh my god, thank you so much, Sean,” I shut the door and belted myself in, holding my frozen hands in front of his heater. Becky lifted herself up for a minute and pulled off her jacket, covering me with it a little.

  “Nolan, your pretty dress,” she said, sadly.

  I just looked down at it and shrugged, then started to laugh nervously. They remained silent, I think knowing that perhaps I was having a momentary bit of madness from the trauma. When I was able to calm myself again, the shaking started. Becky slid closer to me and put her arm around me, forcing me to lay my head on her shoulder.

  The rest of the ride home was silent. My eyes wouldn’t blink as I stared wide-eyed out the front window at the passing desert brush. When the old streetlights from town started to come into view I leaned my head upright. Sean had taken us to his house. I climbed out of the truck and waited for Becky to help steady my still quaking legs as we walked inside. I tossed my shoes in the corner by the door and followed Becky to Sean’s bathroom where she turned on the shower.

  I choked a little at the reflection of myself in the mirror. There were a few tiny scratches on my face. I wasn’t sure if those were from Tyler or my escape through the gates. I was filthy and my dress was destroyed. Becky closed the door and pulled a fresh towel from the cabinet.

  “Nolan? Do you want me to stay?” she asked, softly placing her hand on my shoulder. I just nodded yes. I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone right now.

  Becky helped me from my clothes and steadied me as I stepped into the shower. She pulled the pins from my hair and set them on the counter. She leaned my head back under the water and filled her hand with shampoo before kneading it into my head softly and then rinsing it out. She wet a sponge and pumped a little shower gel onto it to make it soft with soap and tucked her fingers under my chin.

  “Let me clean your face, I’ll be gentle,” she spoke softly, her eyes pained. I started to cry a little when she wiped at my cheeks and chin.

  She shut the water off and held out the towel to wrap me in. “Stay here for a minute, Nolan. I’ll go get some of Sean’s clothes,” she whispered.

  I sat on the toilet lid as she left, clinging to my towel, trying to understand what had just happened to me. Becky came back in with a white T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. “I think these will work,” she said.

  She steadied me a
s I dressed myself and then opened the bathroom door to let out some of the steam. I stood looking at myself in the mirror, not recognizing myself. What have I become? Becky started to untangle my hair with a brush and I winced a little when she pulled at the hairs near my temple.

  “Sorry, tender?” she asked. I just nodded.

  She continued to brush when I saw Sean’s reflection appear behind us. I managed a faint smile. “Thank you so much, Sean,” I said, then turning to meet Becky’s eyes in the mirror, too. “Thank you both.”

  Becky just stopped brushing and hugged me tightly from behind. “We love you, Nolan. Anything,” she said with a squeeze.

  Sean stood behind us, shifting his feet a little back and forth, agitated. I lowered my brow a little, looking him in his reflection, curiously. “What is it?” I asked, almost afraid of his answer.

  “Nolan, I don’t want you to worry,” he said and then stopped, looking down.

  “Worry about what, Sean?” I was a bit louder, the blood rushing to my head as my eyes widened.

  “Reed was here when you called,” he said, and I inhaled deeply, holding my breath.

  “What does that mean, Sean?” I asked, already knowing.

  “Noles, he heard me ask you if he forced you and then he took off through my front door. I heard his tires peel out of here,” Sean held his lips together tightly.

  I turned to face him. “You have to call him, Sean. You have to call him, or you have to go get him,” I was urgent.

  “He’s tougher than you think, Nolan. He’ll be ok,” Sean said, sounding almost as if he was convincing himself.

  I thought of all of those drunk people at the party and my head flooded with visions of everyone jumping onto him, each getting their lick in on him. They all loved Tyler. I was sure they would defend him.

  I walked over to Sean’s bed and sat down, my feet flat on the ground and I stared into space. “I am so stupid!” I yelled.

  Becky was at my side quickly. “Nolan, stop. You didn’t know. You couldn’t see this coming,” she said, putting her arm around me.

  “If he gets hurt, Becky?” I just stopped at that.

  The plan was already for me to spend the night with Becky, so I reasoned that the fact that we were staying at Sean’s wasn’t much different. We were sitting downstairs watching really bad late night TV. Sean was out cold on the love seat and Becky and I were huddled together under a warm blanket.

  “What was Reed doing here?” I asked Becky, my senses finally starting to line back up.

  She just sighed a little and then turned to look at me. “We were cheering him up,” she shrugged. “He left Stephanie as soon as you walked out the door, told Sean he would wait for him at his house. We just ended up coming home, too.”

  What?

  I was really being stupid. We were both working so hard to shock the other half into being the first to break. So damned proud and so damned stupid. We’re both cowards, I thought.

  When we heard a soft knock at the door, we all shot to our feet. Sean jumped up from the sofa out of his deep sleep, tripping a bit over his feet as he went to unlock the door. Reed walked in slowly and I stood completely still, clutching to the soft blanket wrapped around me. It took him some time before he realized I was there, but when he did, his eyes filled with something unrecognizable.

  I dropped the blanket and walked over to him. His lip was split open a little and puffy and there were a few cuts and scrapes over his eye. I reached my hand up to tilt his chin so I could get a better look and he flinched a little at my touch, looking at me suspiciously.

  Becky and Sean just watched as I took Reed by the hand and lead him upstairs to the bathroom. I sat him down on the edge of the bathtub and opened Sean’s medicine cabinet. He had some alcohol and cotton balls in there and a little Neosporin. I found a bandage and laid the supplies all out on the counter.

  I tilted his face up to me again and opened the alcohol, dousing a cotton ball with the liquid. I pressed it softly to the scrapes above his brow, his face twitching a little from the sting. I worked at each one, putting antibiotic on the deep ones and covering them with the bandage. I leaned into the shower to grab the sponge and soaked it with cool water in the sink before slowly cleaning his swelling lip. The cut wasn’t very deep and it had stopped bleeding.

  As I worked to finish cleaning him up I noticed his eyes intent on the corner of the bathroom floor. I turned to see what he was looking at and realized my dress was still lying there. It looked pretty torn and bad.

  I lifted his chin to force him to look at me again. “Don’t think that,” I said quietly. “I tore it sliding under the gate…”

  He looked at me with suspicion. “I promise,” I reaffirmed.

  I was closing the bottle of alcohol when he grabbed my hands to stop me and took the bottle from me, setting it on the tub next to him. He stood up, towering over me as I stood there barefoot. He looked at my face intensely, brushing a little hair behind my ear and narrowing his eyes when he saw the bruising on my forehead.

  He touched it gently with his thumb, shaking his head slowly. I took a deep breath and started to speak, but he quickly pressed his fingers on my mouth, staring at it as he slowly slid them along my bottom lip. He took the back of his hand and brushed it slowly from the top of my face down to the nape of my neck, looking at me adoringly, his gaze following the path of his hand.

  Looking down, he reached for my hands that were fidgeting nervously in front of me now. He pulled them both into his own and brought them to his lips where he pressed a tender kiss to them several times, closing his eyes and then opening them to look at me with a sureness I hadn’t seen before.

  “I am so sorry, Nolan. So sorry…for this,” he said, brushing a thumb over my sore cheek bone. “Sorry, for this,” this time brushing one over the scrapes on my forehead.

  “But mostly, I’m so sorry for not taking care of your heart when you gave it to me. I’ve been a fool,” he chuckled softly. “At least, that’s what my dad says. But he’s right, usually is. I’ve been a fool.”

  He reached up to my face and held it tenderly in his hands, his thumbs stroking my cheeks. “I broke you. Over and over. And then I blamed you for being broken…” I tried to interrupt, but he stopped me again. “No, let me say this.”

  “I was never interested in Stephanie. Hell, Nolan. I haven’t honestly been interested in anyone since I met you. I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the way I fell for you. I fell fucking hard. And it made me stupid to see you with Tyler,” he clenched his jaw a little at Tyler’s name.

  “But I was the one that was stupid, Nolan,” he looked at me intensely, tilting his face down more to make sure we were connected. “I know you think I don’t remember. I know you think I was probably too drunk, but it was the only moment of clarity I’ve had in months, Nolan. I love you. I meant it then, and I mean it now. I love you, with everything I’ve got. It’s the only thing I’ve got, and I’ve been terrified because I thought you were falling for him. But I’d be a fool if I didn’t tell you now.”

  He pulled me closer, reaching his fingers into my hair, cradling the back of my head as he pressed a kiss to my forehead and then my cheek, stopping to look me in the eyes again. “I love you,” he was forcing me to take it in, believe it. And I did.

  I felt a tear start to slide from my eye and I blinked to shed it. I stared into his perfect green eyes and reached up to brush his bruised lip with my thumb. He grabbed my hand and stopped it there, to hold it against his kiss, closing his eyes and opening them to mine as I stared at wounds and then back to his perfect eyes. My chest squeezed and I took a slow, deep breath. “I love you, too,” my voice cracked.

  I said it. And when the words left my mouth, Reed pulled me in closer and stopped with our lips barely touching. Looking at one another so closely, he shook his head a little, the sides of his mouth turning up into a tiny grin, and whispered against me, “I knew you did.”

  And then his mout
h was on mine, soft but full. I reached around his back to hold myself to him closely and he cradled me with his strong arms, still wearing his black sweater. I reached to pull it up over his back to feel more of his skin and he slid it over his head, tossing it to the floor and came right back to me, kissing me harder now, hungrier.

  I ran my hands up his undershirt to feel the warm skin of his back and he held his hands to my face, helping me reach his height. He was walking us backwards until we reached the back of the door where he leaned me against it and continued to taste my lips, pulling on them with his own, stopping only to run kisses down my neck and back again.

  We stayed in the bathroom for almost an hour, never taking it further, but desperate for one another’s touch. When we went downstairs, Becky and Sean had fallen asleep together watching television on the sofa. Reed pulled a few of the pillows onto the floor and pulled me down to the floor with him where he wrapped his arms around me tightly and didn’t let go until morning.

  21. Us

  I still woke up every morning feeling as though I had to convince myself I wasn’t just remembering a dream. Reed and I were an actual couple. It helped that when I held his hand as we walked to our literature class, people turned their heads to gossip.

  A few of the guys from the football team would heckle Reed. “About time you got off your ass, Reed,” they would yell, whistling and telling us to get a room. Not that we were overly affectionate at school, but we were always connected. At lunch, Reed would pull me onto his lap and wrap strands of my hair around his finger. He would wait for me outside the gym when his practice wrapped before mine just to follow me home, or drive me home on the days that he was able to show up at my house before I left for school. And when we rode in the car, his hand was always interlocked with mine. It was like we were both afraid that if we let go, the other one would disappear.

  Tyler tried to call me a few times and he sent a few apologetic texts, too, which I ignored. The calls finally stopped when he called me once while Reed was at my house. I couldn’t hear Tyler’s end of the conversation, but Reed was pretty clear about him staying away from me. And I was a bit mushy over his protective aggression in my honor.