by Mia Ford
“So, are you on holiday in Wellington?” I ask, trying to sound causal. I feel awkward and weird, like I’m being a creeper.
“No, I live here now,” she replies calmly. “I came here to escape everything. And I guess to feel close to Stephen too.”
Hmm, he had an impact on her just like she did him. This is something that I need to find out more about. “Would you like to hang out some more?” I ask.
She nods slowly. “Yes, I think I would. That won’t be weird, will it?”
Probably, I think.
“No, I don’t think so,” I say aloud. “It’ll be good. For the both of us. I think.”
“Good, yes.” We’re both as unsure as one another, but I’m still certain this is the right thing to do. “Let’s do it.” She takes my phone from me once more and enters in her number. “You should call me sometime. Let’s do this.”
Chapter Fourteen - Tia
Is this wrong? Should I be doing this? Am I utterly crazy?
As I stare at the phone screen looking at Kian’s message, I feel really weird about it. Every time we aren’t together I feel like we shouldn’t hang out anymore, I feel pretty sure it’s overstepping some invisible boundary, yet I still can’t stop being drawn to him. I can’t ignore the pull that draws me in every single time. I also can’t ignore the good feeling I get in my chest every time I’m by his side. I feel like I’m a much better person and that the possibilities are endless…
“Is that your secret lover?” Ashley teases as she sees me staring at my phone. “Are you ever going to tell me who it is? I’m sick of trying to guess!”
I want to, I’ve wanted to from the very beginning, but I haven’t. Partly because it’s been a delicious little secret just for me, a little link to my old life in my new life, but also because I do feel guilty about it. I feel so bad that I might just burst… but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it in for. I need some advice from an impartial person, and there’s only one person in the country I trust enough to tell. I need to just rip off the band aid and do it.
I lean forward and look from side to side, checking that no one is listening. When it appears that we are actually alone in the office, which is a big rarity meaning the timing must be right, I start whispering.
“It isn’t a lover, it’s something more complex than that.” Her eyes light up and she leans in too. I suppose it’s good for her for someone else to have gossip to share, especially me. I suppose I’ve been quite boring up until now. “It’s…” I bite down on my bottom lip and glance downwards. “Well, you remember the story about Stephen?”
“The mind blowing night that brought you to New Zealand, yep I think I remember that one.” She smiles coyly at me and chuckles. “I know it’s a tragedy, but I’m glad it happened because it brought you into my life.”
I’m so touched by her words that I continue with my story with ease. “Well, on the night of Julia’s birthday, when I disappeared, it wasn’t because I felt sick. It was actually because I thought I saw him in the night club and I chased him inside.” Before that sympathy can really set in, I continue. “As it turned out, it was his twin brother, Kian.”
“Did you know he has a twin?” Ashley gasps, shocked. “I mean, that’s crazy, isn’t it?”
“I didn’t know that and yes it is crazy.”
Ashley glances down at the cell phone in my hand and her eyes widen. “Oh my God. Is it him you’re hanging out with?” I nod a little bit sadly, realizing how foolish it sounds aloud. “And how are you hanging out?”
“Only as friends,” I insist in a panicked fashion. “It’s nothing more than that…”
As I trail off my words, Ashley seems to read more into it than is there. She presses her elbows into her knees and looks at me. “But you like him?”
“No, it isn’t that.” I mean, I don’t want to admit it aloud but my heart does skip a beat every time I see him. It’s only because he reminds me of Stephen though, nothing more… although I suppose the more I get to know him the less I remember Stephen and the more he becomes a person in his own right. The more I make memories with Kian. Kian is now more prominent in my mind. “It’s just… friends.”
“Right.” Ashley sits back in her chair and rakes her eyes over me curiously. “You know it would be totally fine if it were more though, right?” My eyes snap up to her as I try to work out what she’s saying to me. “I mean, no one would judge you. I certainly wouldn’t.”
“You… wouldn’t?” It isn’t more than that, it isn’t, but I still want to hear her opinion on that.
“Of course, I wouldn’t.” She shrugs. “You spent one night with Stephen, one night.” She holds up one finger to highlight her point. “Yes, it was one amazing night, but it was only the one night. Then, he vanished. I don’t want this to sound callous, but now he isn’t here anymore. Something happened and he’s died now.” She takes my hand reassuringly in hers. “You are still alive and so is Kian. If you like him then there shouldn’t be anything holding you back.”
Her kind words unlock something within me, but before I can set any of it free I need to make sure. “But isn’t it weird? I had a thing with his twin brother. Isn’t it disrespectful to his memory? Isn’t it… odd? I don’t know. I don’t even know how I feel about Kian, I just… I don’t know.”
I glance down at the ground and chew the inside of my mouth. Tears well up behind my eyes but I refuse to let any of them fall. I’ve been so strong so far, I’ve been doing really well. The last thing I need to do is ruin all of that now.
“Tia, listen.” Ashely’s tone is so kind that I move my eyes up to meet hers. I can see nothing but understanding in her gaze which helps me to feel a little better about everything. “If Stephen’s death means anything to you, it’s that life is too short. You shouldn’t worry too much about things you should just live in the moment because it could all be gone tomorrow. You need some happiness, and so does this Kian. You’ve both been through a horrible time. I’m sure if you can find comfort in each other then surely that’s a good thing?” Still I can’t see it, my brain is fogged up with the notion that I’m a terrible person. “Think of what you would advise me if I was in your situation. That is what you should do.”
The room fills up again, leaving me unable to answer Ashely but I suppose she’s right. If it was her I would want her to be happy and her rational words are correct too. Me and Kian do share something, and if it can only be friendship then that’s better than nothing.
I look at my phone again, reading the message.
‘I’m playing at the open mike night at Serena’s coffee shop if you want to come and watch me later. K x’
My heart flutters I can’t stop it. There is something between me and Kian and I’m sure it’s more than just friendship really. He might look like Stephen but inside he’s a different person. He’s quieter, more modest, less demanding. I really like that about him, I like the way I can feel more chilled out around him. It’s exactly what I need right now, it fits win with the new, New Zealand me very well, If I think about kissing him, I don’t instantly think about Stephen, not anymore. I just think about him.
‘I would love to. I will see you there. T x’
I need to just forget about all the hang ups I have, mostly because they come from the opinions of others not me. I need to stop caring about that, I need to just focus on what I want in life. If I want Kian, then so be it. Who says anyone else gets an opinion on what I do with my life anyway? That only happens if I let it happen.
A delicious, tantalizing thrill races up and down my spine as I think about that. I smile so brightly that it’s as if I have a coat hanger between my lips. Ashley catches my eye and she gives me a thumbs up. At least I’ll always have her support no matter what I do.
‘Looking forward to it, K x’
I feel like maybe he’s feeling the same way about me too, and I’m sure if Stephen wasn’t ever in the picture then something would have happened between us already. We’re
only holding back because of my history. Maybe tonight is the night that will change. Maybe that’s why my heart is already beating faster at the mere thought of him.
I cradle my cell phone to my chest and let my imagination run free. I haven’t written anything else for myself in a long time which I haven’t minded because I write all day as my day job, but now I can feel inspiration flowing wildly through me. If I was at home with a pen and paper in my hand I would probably be writing already, but I can’t because I have things to do. I’m at work for a reason, I can’t slack off.
‘Me too, T xx’ I reply pointlessly, adding another kiss. I guess I just want him to see that there might just be more to it tonight. Maybe. We’ll see…
***
I swish from side to side trying to look at all of my dress in the mirror. I have such a small one bedroomed apartment that I can’t even fit a full length mirror in it. When I think about my old home with wall to wall mirrors, it’s completely the other end of the scale but I’m much happier here. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I don’t need the space and the mirrors, I have all I need right here. This is my home now, and it always will be.
The checked black and red skater dress hangs nicely on me. Since being in New Zealand I have put on a little bit of weight, so my curves are more prominent, as is my cleavage. I love my new frame. It’s part of the much happier me. Then I tug my fingers through my hair. Maybe I should try and do more with it than just hang it loose but I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure if Kian is going to like me then he will do whatever. I have a bit of make up on, but not much. I’ve highlighted my eyes which I think is my best feature anyway. Or so I hope.
Oh God, this is nerve wracking, I think desperately to myself. Am I really doing this?
It isn’t really any different to the other times that me and Kian hang out, except it really is. After speaking with Ashley, I’ve accepted that I really do like Kian and not just because he’s Stephen’s twin brother. I like him because of the depth I see inside him. Maybe it isn’t right, maybe my feelings are taboo, but I will only live once so why not?
By the time I come back here tonight I’ll know, I think determinedly to myself as I try to gear myself up. I will tell Kian how I’m feeling, if it’s the last thing I do.
I nod at myself as if I feel much more confident than I really do. Inside I’m a mess, everything is churning violently inside of me, but at least on the outside I look good. I appear like I have everything under control and that I’m not about to churn everything up like crazy.
With a determination, I grab my bag and keys and I make my way towards the front door before I can talk myself out of it. My heart races, my stomach dances, I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know for sure is that I feel truly happy and excited for the first time in a very long time. The possibilities feel endless and I’m desperately keen to know which way my life will turn.
Chapter Fifteen - Kian
I feel nervous as I prepare to go out on stage which isn’t much like me at all. Not here at Serena’s anyway. Maybe if it was a bigger crowd I would, but at Serena’s it’s always chilled out with just a few people watching. That’s how I like it actually. Maybe once upon a time I harbored a dream of being a superstar but when Stephen took that route I didn’t want to anymore. I found myself happy in New Zealand, content with being more small time. I do my small gigs, I teach my music lessons, it doesn’t earn me a fortune, but I’m happy. I like it enough. I don’t want for anything more… not anymore.
No, the nerves aren’t coming from the crowd, or at least not all of it. There’s just one person who will be watching me and I’m terrified of making a fool out of myself in front of her. I don’t want her to think that I’m an idiot. I can’t help myself, I want her to like me.
It’s wrong, I think to myself shaking my head. It’s so, so wrong. On every single level.
I know it isn’t right to think of Tia in any kind of romantic way, it’s probably bad enough that we’re friends, never mind anything else but I can’t stop myself from feeling that way about her. The more time I spend with her, the more she infiltrates my dreams, and the more I dream about her the more attracted I become. I’ve considered the possibility that it might just be the competitiveness between me and Stephen still coming out even after his death, but I know it isn’t that. What I feel for Tia is so genuine. More than anything that’s come before.
It’s everything to me. It’s just a shame that it’s wrong.
Of course, there’s one way I could counteract this. If I really wanted to I could just stop hanging out with her to ensure that my feelings don’t grow anymore, but every time I try to do that something pulls me back in. I’m addicted to her, she’s like a drug that I just can’t give up. I feel like it’s headed towards a disaster, but I can’t seem to stop myself anyway. She consumes me, she’s all of me, she’s everything and I just can’t let her go.
If things were different I might be meeting her under different circumstances. Stephen could have brought her home to visit the family as his girlfriend. Then what would I have done? I couldn’t have felt this way about her then or it would have become even more of a catastrophe. But that hasn’t happened. Things have gone the way that they have so there’s no real point in wallowing in ‘what ifs’. This is it, I need to find a way to deal with it.
With a shake of my head I try to get my brain back in the game. I can’t worry about what’s happening with me and Tia tonight, not when I want to do a good job with this open mic night. Maybe I don’t want fame and fortune, but I still want to put on a good show. If anything, I’ve gotten a lot of teaching jobs from the open mic nights and I don’t want to ruin that. Especially not with nerves. I need to forget about her for now and just get on with it.
“Are you ready, Kian?” Hayley, one of the young waitresses calls back to me with a smile and a wink. “You’re nearly up.”
“Yes,” I breathe deeply. “I think so. Is it packed out there?” There’s only really one person I care about, but I don’t know what she’s wearing so I can’t describe her.
“It’s not too bad,” she smiles. “But they’re getting impatient. You’re getting a little fan club out there now. Don’t keep them waiting too long.”
This is silly, I think to myself. Tia has seen me play before, she knows what I sound like. She knows my music isn’t anything like Stephen’s… but still I can’t shake off the anxiety. There’s only one thing for it. I need to get out there. I can’t put it off any longer.
I push back the curtain and keep my eyes fixed on the ground as I walk. There’s a chair situated in the middle of the stage that I know the location of well. I could find it with my eyes closed, which is lucky since that’s pretty much what I’m doing right now. I move until I can’t go any further, drinking in the smattering of clapping that breaks out around the coffee shop, then I sit.
Once my butt hits the seat I can’t keep my eyes down anymore. I need to look up to see who’s about. Almost as if there’s a powerful magnetic force between us my eyes instantly hit hers and I dive into the pool of her eyes, loving the feel of her gaze surrounding me. She smiles slightly, making my heart skip a beat. Sitting there with her hair spilling over her shoulders, her skin glowing under the lights, and her hands sat primly in her lap, all my doubts simply fly away. I know it isn’t right, but I can’t help how I feel, and how I feel right now is that I want to worship Tia for the rest of my damn life.
“Right,” I croak into the microphone. “I have some new material to play you tonight, but don’t worry I’ll still do some of the old stuff as well.” I wasn’t planning on playing any of the songs that have been inspired by Tia, but how can I not with her sitting there looking so beautiful? I want her to know how I feel without actually having to tell her. The thought of saying those words aloud terrifies me. “So here we go, one, two, three…”
As I burst into song I know that I’m risking everything. I’m treading a dangerous path that could ruin mine and Ti
a’s friendship, but I have to take a leap of faith or I won’t be able to control myself much longer. If I’m totally honest with myself I think she might be feeling the same way too. We’re both tiptoeing around it for obvious reasons, but I think it’s time to finally stop doing that. As my fingers strum and the words fly out of my mouth I know for sure that one way or another, tonight is going to change everything. I can only hope that it’s in the way I want…
***
“That was brilliant,” Hayley gushes as I descend off of stage forty five minutes later in a bit of a haze. “Honestly I think that might be the best set you’ve ever done.”
I turn to look at her with wide, blank eyes. I think I blocked most of it out because of how it makes me feel. I was so vulnerable, so open, so exposed. As I was up there singing it seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I’m not so sure. Am I really ready to take that step with Tia? What if she brushes me off and wants nothing more to do with me? It was such a risk… have I been an idiot for taking it? Am I about to really regret it?
“Erm, yeah, thanks,” I finally gush. “Well I think I better go…”
“You don’t want to stay for a drink?” Hayley hands me a cappuccino with a small smile playing on her lips. “I made it specially for you. The same as you always have.”
I down the drink in two quick gulps not wanting to be rude. “Thank you, Hayley, I really appreciate it and I’ll see you next week but I really have to go now.”
