Vivienne's Guilt

by Heather M. Orgeron

  I don’t know why everything has to hurt so much. I’m suffocating in this new life—a life I didn’t choose...and a life I’m not sure that I want.

  Tillie’s laughter fills the air, and instead of bringing me feelings of joy and happiness, I’m consumed with guilt and so much shame. She should be enough. She is enough.

  Why can’t she be enough?

  When Cassie leaves to take Sierra home, Tillie and I go inside to change into dry clothes and figure out what to do for dinner. I’m emotionally drained and not sure how much longer I can put on a happy facade for everyone around me. The last thing I want is to let them know how much I am hurting. I don’t need to burden them with my feelings, and I don’t want them hovering over me any more than they already do.

  Sometimes, I wish that I could just be left alone in my grief...to lie in this bed and never get out. I want to cry and scream and to break every fucking thing that I can get my hands on without having to answer for it, without having to worry about how crazy that would make me and how much it would scare my baby. But, life doesn’t stop. It goes on, and I have no choice but to flounder around trying to keep up. I’m harboring all of these pent up feelings with no place to release them, so I bottle them up, and I go through each day feeling like at any moment the pressure will become too much, and my body will implode.

  As I am leaving my room, I catch the prescription bottle on my nightstand from the corner of my eye. It’s only been four hours, and I know that it is too soon...but the desire to feel a little relief is too strong to pass it by. With a guilty conscience and a racing pulse, I swallow another pill before going downstairs to meet Tillie.

  I find her dressed in a Cinderella gown, complete with matching heels, dancing around in the kitchen. God, to be so young and resilient. Most of the time she seems completely unaffected. Tillie’s plastic slippers clomp on the tile as she spins, her golden hair floating behind her like a cape flapping in the wind.

  “May I have this dance?” I offer, holding out my hand to my pretty princess.

  Tillie flutters across the room and takes my hand. “My honor,” she says, bowing, and I feel my heart swell with so much love for this incredible little person that I am lucky enough to call my own.

  We hum and twirl around the kitchen, her chunky little hands clasped in my own. In this moment, I feel a sense of hope. Hope that maybe...just maybe, eventually everything will be all right.

  “Princess Mommy, I decided what I want for supper,” she says when she’s finally exhausted herself. Who knew ballroom dancing could be so draining?

  I collapse on a bar stool to catch my breath. “What would you like to eat, Bossyrella?”

  “How about...pizza?” she suggests, bouncing in her heels.

  How can I say no to her? “Pizza it is!”

  “Can Prince Reid and Princess Kylie come, too? I weared my princess dress, so I can be a real princess, too,” she explains, fluffing the front of her dress.

  Princess Kylie...I inwardly cringe. “Of course, baby.”

  I call Reid’s cell, and it goes right to voicemail. It must be dead.

  “Tillie, Reid’s phone is dead,” I call out to the playroom. “I’m going to walk over and invite them to dinner, okay?”

  “Okay, Mommy!” she yells back.

  “Stay in your playroom until I get back. I’ll just be a few minutes,” I tell her, now standing in the doorway.

  She looks up from her princesses and flashes me those heart-melting dimples. “I will, Mommy. I promise.”

  Leaning down, I plant a kiss on the top of her head and then walk over to the pool house.

  The door is ajar, so I push it the rest of the way open and step inside.

  Reid and Kylie are there on the couch. His broad muscular shoulders hunched over her as he nibbles on the exposed skin of her breast. She moans...loudly. They are both naked from the waist up and so consumed in each other that they don’t even pause when I gasp in surprise.

  For a moment, I just stand there, unable to digest the scene before me. The sounds of their heavy breathing and whispered words of affection make my head swim. How many times have Abbott and I made love on that same couch? What I wouldn’t give to be in their place...in our place, together again right now. This is so unfair.

  My chest heaves with silent sobs and tears pool in my eyes. My knees buckle, and I fall back against the wall with a thud. That’s when Reid finally turns his head in my direction and finds me standing there staring.

  He covers Kylie’s body with his own, shielding her from my view, and offers me a crooked smile. “We’ve got to stop meeting this way,” he jests, breathing heavily.

  He’s joking...This is funny to him? I. Am. Dying. My heart is ripping open inside of my chest, and he has the nerve to laugh?

  That’s the moment when it all becomes too much. The moment when it’s either going to have to come out, or it’s going to kill me. Fueled by all of the pain and jealousy, the hurt, the anger, and embarrassment, all of the emotions that I’ve allowed to build up over the past few weeks, I push off the wall, and I explode.

  “Have you ever heard of shutting and locking a fucking door?” I scream. The room falls completely silent. “Did you even consider for one moment that you’re in someone else’s home? That my daughter—my baby could have just walked in here?” I yell, kicking over the little table next to the door and watching its contents scatter across the floor.

  That felt so good.

  Reid rises from the couch, creeping toward me slowly as if he’s approaching a wild animal...and he might as well be. I have lost my fucking mind.

  “It’s okay, Viv,” he coos, reaching his hand out to me like I am a child.

  “No!” I yell, slamming my fist into the wall. “No, this is not okay!” I shout, inches from his face. “Nothing...none of this is okay. Stop saying everything’s okay when nothing will ever be okay again!”

  His face is panicked when he answers, “I know. I-I’m sorry, Vivienne. I wasn’t thinking.”

  I glance over to Kylie, who is balled up and crying on the couch, and then back at Reid’s bewildered face. “You need to have more respect for other people,” I say weakly, tears streaming down my face.

  “I’m really sorry,” he apologizes again.

  “Do you have any idea how hard it has been to watch the two of you?” I ask through clenched teeth. “To see you touch her and, my God, you were about to have sex with her on my couch,” I grit out between sobs.

  He places a hand on my shoulder and I recoil. “Don’t...touch...me...” I fume, reaching for the door knob. “And lock the damn door,” I add, slamming it shut behind me.

  When I walk back into the house, I am forced to grab ahold of the counter to avoid collapsing onto the floor. I brace my head in my hands as my entire body begins to quake with violent sobs, the force of which leaves me gasping for breath.

  “Mom.... Mommy...Mom!” Tillie calls, pulling on my shirt.

  “What?” I finally snap. Can’t she see that now is not the time?

  “I said...where’s Princess Kylie?” she repeats, placing her little hands on her hips and tilting her head to the side.

  I can’t handle this right now. I just need a fucking moment to myself. “Tillie,” I say very slowly, “will you please just leave me alone for a few minutes?” It takes a concentrated effort to remain calm. My pulse is racing, and my hands are shaking uncontrollably.

  “Ughhh, I just wanted to play wif Princess Kylie. You telled me you were getting her for me,” she sasses.

  “Goddamn it!” I yell, slamming my fist down onto the counter. “Just give me a goddamned minute, will you?”

  Tillie’s face crumbles as she runs off crying. I want to go after her, but I need to calm down first. I’ve never yelled at her like that. What has gotten into me?

  Reid

  What in the hell just happened? I think to myself as the door rattles on its hinges. Vivienne has completely lost her mind. I mean, yeah, I guess I sh
ould have shut and locked the door, but she more than overreacted. If I’d realized that having Kylie over would have this kind of effect on her, I never would have invited her.

  “Reid?” Kylie calls from behind me.

  “Yeah?” I answer, still staring out of the window, trying to decide if I should go after Vivienne to make sure that she’s okay.

  “What was that all about?” she asks, resting her hand on my shoulder. My body tenses. I don’t want her touching me, and I don’t know why. It’s not like what just happened was anymore her fault than mine, but suddenly her touch repulses me. “Is something going on between you and Vivienne?” She sniffs.

  “No,” I snap...Yes? Maybe? “Did you seriously just ask me if I have something going on with my aunt, Kylie?” I ask, shrugging her hand off my arm.

  “Why else would it bother her so much to see us together? She’s acting like a jealous girlfriend,” Kylie whines.

  “She is not acting like a jealous girlfriend. Jesus, Kylie! She’s acting like a pissed off mother and a depressed woman whose husband just died,” I say condescendingly.

  Kylie starts to say something, but I cut her off when I see Tillie running toward the lake and Vivienne nowhere in sight. “I have to go, Kylie. Wait here,” I say curtly as I step into my shoes and fling the door open.

  “What? Where are you going, Reid?”

  I don’t waste time on an answer. I have this sinking feeling that something bad is about to happen as I take off running after her.

  “Tillie!” I shout as I get closer to the lake. I know that I saw her running this way, and I can’t find her anywhere. “Matildaaaaa,” I call as I scan the lake.

  Finally, I spot her approaching the wharf, and I thank God because it’s almost dark out and I was beginning to really panic. She’s still a good distance away, but now that I can see her, I slow my pace.

  What happens next is the single most terrifying experience of my life.

  Cupping my hands around my mouth, I call out to Tillie once more. When she turns to answer, I watch her slip on the wet wood, falling backward into the lake. Nooo! I run after her, pumping my legs as fast as I possibly can. It’s as if I’m moving in slow motion...running against a current. My heart hammers against my ribcage and seconds feel like hours. I can’t get to her fast enough.

  How long does it take to drown?

  My lead feet pound the wood of the wharf, and I scan the lake, afraid of what I will find. The sun has begun to set, making it difficult to see. Bile rises in my throat as I stand there, unsure of what I will do if I don’t spot her out there. How would I find her? And I will find her. The alternative is unthinkable.

  Hold on, baby girl...I’m coming. Just hold on.

  Time is a tricky thing...speeding up when you want to savor every second and damn near stopping altogether when you are in a moment of sheer desperation.

  After what feels like an enormous amount of time—too much time—I spot her flailing soundlessly in the water a few yards from where I first saw her fall in. With no time to think or feel anything, I dive in after her, fully clothed. My shoes are slowing me down, so I kick out of them and pray that I reach her in time. My pulse is pounding in my throat when I finally reach out and lift her head above water. She chokes and gasps for air as I pull her to the shore.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, and I have a sudden urge to cry with relief, but I steel myself. There will be time to break down later. Right now, I need to focus on Tillie and making sure that she is all right.

  Tillie coughs and coughs, spitting up so much water. She’s unable to speak and that moment of relief passes. Now that I’ve got her, I don’t know what to do. I pat her on the back and lift her arms above her head because that’s what my mom always did when I choked as a kid. I don’t know if it helps, but it makes me feel better to do something.

  I have no phone with me to call for help, and I’m not trained in CPR. I mean...she’s crying, so she’s breathing...but the gurgling sounds coming from her throat, and the way she’s gasping for breath is worrying me. My stomach knots as I lift her trembling body against my chest and rest her head on my shoulder. “It’s okay, Dimples. We’re going to go find Mommy, okay?”

  She continues hacking but nods her little head. When we’re a few yards from the house, I hear Vivienne frantically calling Tillie’s name in the distance.

  “She’s here, Vivienne. She’s with me,” I yell out to her.

  Vivienne is shaking with fear, and when she takes in our wet clothes and hears Tillie coughing and crying, she bursts into tears. “Oh, baby...” Vivienne reaches out, taking her from my arms. “What happened?” she cries while shushing Tillie.

  “I saw her running toward the lake through the window. She was by herself, so I followed her, and I must’ve scared her when I called out her name.” I take a breath, placing my hand on my burning chest...I don’t think my heart has ever beaten so fast. “She was running on the wharf, and I saw when she slipped and fell in, but I was still a few yards away. I got there as fast as I could, Viv,” I explain, talking a mile a minute. “She seems okay, though, right?” I ask, hopefully, needing some reassurance as I wipe my sweaty palms onto my wet shorts. Lotta good that did.

  “Oh, my girl. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry that I yelled at you,” she chants over and over while hugging Tillie tightly to her chest.

  “Vivienne,” I say forcefully, trying to keep her attention. “Do you think that we should take her to the hospital or maybe call an ambulance?”

  “Mommy...” Tillie croaks, her voice shredded from all of the heaving. She sounds so weak, and it worries me to see this normally vibrant child so frail.

  “She seems okay, but I think we should get her checked out to be sure. Would you mind calling the ambulance?” she asks, sniffling. “If we can avoid going to the hospital...”

  The last time she was at the hospital was the night of the accident, and I can understand her hesitation.

  “Sure. Yeah,” I answer. “Do you have your phone? Mine’s back in the pool house.”

  Viv reaches into her back pocket and hands me her phone. I call for the paramedics while we walk back to the house.

  When the ambulance arrives, the three of us are sitting in the living room on the floor. They take Tillie from her mother’s arms, and I fill them in on the situation while Vivienne paces a hole into the floor.

  Life is so fragile. Knowing that had I been even seconds later that this baby may no longer be here has really shaken me up. It’s beginning to hit me just how badly this could have ended.

  After they examined Tillie and gave her the all clear, I suggest that Vivienne go and give her a warm bath and get her into some dry clothes while I go back to the pool house and get cleaned up.

  “Please, don’t leave yet,” she begs, clutching my arm. “I don’t want to be alone.”

  After the day we have had, I don’t know up from down anymore where this woman is concerned. “Viv, I’ll come right back. I don’t have any clothes here, and I’m full of lake water. I really need a quick shower.” I’m drenched. I stink. I have no shoes and abandoned the muddy socks when we got inside.

  “Please stay. Abbott has a closet full of clothes in my room. Could you just borrow something of his and shower in my bathroom while I go bathe her?” she pleads. “Please?”

  She’s so pale and weak. Vivienne is dead on her feet, and I really don’t want to be away from them, anyway. “Sure,” I answer. “Just let me use your phone to fill Kylie in so she knows where I am, okay?” The last thing I need is her to come over here looking for me.

  “Thank you...I-I just don’t want to be by myself,” she says again with watery eyes as she hands me her phone. Her fingertips brush the palm of my hand, and my pulse speeds up. Staying here cannot be a good idea, but even knowing that it’s wrong, I can’t ever seem to tell Vivienne no.

  Tillie’s already falling asleep in her arms. “Go get her ready for bed,” I say, rubbing Tillie’s back. “I’ll sta
y.”

  After calling Kylie and letting her know that I’m not sure what time I will be back and why and then listening to her bitch and moan, I head up the stairs to Vivienne’s bedroom in search of dry clothes.

  Bathed in Uncle Abbott’s soap and dressed in Uncle Abbott’s clothes, I step into his bedroom and find his wife perched on the edge of their bed. She’s so damned beautiful. I can hear my heart thrumming loudly in my chest as I take a minute to just watch her. The intimacy of the moment has me wishing that I could step into his life as easily as I have the rest of his things.

  “Hey,” I say softly, crouching down before her. “You all right?” Her body begins to quake with silent sobs like she’s been holding it all in and I’ve just granted her permission to break.

  Vivienne shakes her head. “No...No, Reid, I’m not.” A lump forms in my throat and tears sting the backs of my eyes.

  “Come here, Viv,” I offer, opening my arms to her.

  She leans forward and allows me to fold her into my arms. I rub her back and kiss the side of her head, shushing her in much the same way that I witnessed her doing with Tillie earlier tonight.

  Vivienne cries into my chest, “I’m sorry, Reid. I’m sorry I flipped out on you earlier.”

  “It’s already forgotten,” I assure her. “Don’t worry about it.”

  She lifts her head, wiping her nose with a tissue. “Thank you,” she says hoarsely. “Thank you for going after her...When I think that I c-could’ve lost her, too...” She can’t even finish as she collapses into me, sobbing.

  I hold her tightly, trying to resist the urge to break down, too. I never understood what it meant to be strong for someone else before this summer. I’ve never had to. These girls have turned me into a man that I don’t even recognize. Someone better than I ever hoped to be.