Vivienne's Guilt

by Heather M. Orgeron

  “I’m scared...”

  “Do you think I’m not? God, Cassie, we all worry about screwing up with our kids. It comes with the territory. It’s time for you to knock down these walls that you keep putting up around your heart once and for all because you can’t break through theirs with your own still so firmly intact.”

  “But what if there’s something better out there for them?”

  I shake my head. “Can’t you see that no one will ever understand them the way you do? You see through all of Sierra’s crap because you recognize yourself in her. The two of you have something so special, Cass. Don’t let that go. Don’t send her to people who won’t be able to reach her. You are worthy of their love. Please, believe that.”

  “Wh-what if this isn’t what they want?”

  “Well, there’s only one way to find out. Talk to them, Cassie Lynn. They aren’t too young to know how they feel.” Momma walks over, pulling Cassie up from her chair, and wraps her up in her arms. “Give Momma two more grandbabies, sugar.”

  I move to the side, watching their interaction, my heart nearly bursting. Conflicting emotions wage war in my chest, and I’m finding it hard to draw air into my lungs.

  I love that my mom has such a big heart and that Cassie is finally able to experience a mother’s love. I’m not jealous of their relationship at all. I want this for her, I do, but the mention of grandchildren has me on the verge of hyperventilating because I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that Tillie will be the only one. That was not the life we had planned. This...this is not the life we had planned, and my body’s selfish reaction only makes this feeling worse because it’s compounded with guilt. I love these girls so much, and I’m happy that Momma wants to take them on as her own, but I’m sad at the same time. I’m sad for what I’ve lost, and I’m mourning the dreams that Abbott and I shared that will never be.

  I turn away, not wanting Momma or Cassie to read my face and feel bad. They’ve done nothing wrong, and I want them to have their moment. I find the three girls sitting at the little table near the pit having a snack. Then, like a moth drawn to a flame, my eyes connect with Reid’s. They always do. I don’t intentionally seek him out. In fact, I feel guilty for constantly staring into the eyes of another man, but I can’t help myself.

  Reid has grown so good at reading my face. He looks at me questioningly, and I shake my head as if to say “not now.” I feel trapped...like no matter which way I turn, I’m going to have to explain these feelings that I can’t even make sense of to myself.

  Quickly, I walk past Momma and Cassie, calling out to them from the doorway that I’ll be right back. I grab a pill from my purse on the kitchen counter and hurry into the downstairs bathroom, swallowing it down with a handful of cool water from the sink. Having Mom around has me nervous. Reid never questions my medication but Momma would. She’d want to know what I’m taking and why. She’d pay too close attention. I can’t risk losing the one thing that dulls the pain in my chest and makes my life somewhat bearable.

  Reid

  I’m having a good time chatting with Tillie, Korie, and Sierra. These two little ones together are a riot. Glancing up, my eyes meet with Vivienne’s. I’m not sure what’s happened between now and fifteen minutes ago when she was shoving ice down Cassie’s pants but something’s wrong. She’s been crying. That in itself isn’t all that unusual, unfortunately, but there’s something in her face that’s not sitting right with me.

  I look at her questioningly, which causes her to realize that she’s been staring, and she quickly turns away. Viv looks around in a panic and rushes off into the house. It’s only after she’s gone that I notice Ms. Anderson and Cassie crying as well. What the hell did I miss?

  I pull all of the meat from the pit since it’s just about done anyway and ask Sierra to keep an eye on the little ones while I run inside of the house for a moment.

  I can’t be more than a few minutes behind her, but when I walk in, Vivienne is nowhere to be found. I search the entire first floor, and just when I’m about to go upstairs to check her room, I hear a faint cry coming from the half-bath under the stairs.

  I walk over, lightly tapping my knuckles on the door. “Viv...Viv, you in there?” I can hear her moving around and whimpering, but she doesn’t answer. “Come on Viv,” I beg, letting my forehead fall against the door. “I know you’re in there. I just wanted to check on you and make sure that everything’s okay.”

  Viv blows her nose and turns on the faucet. Just when I’m turning to leave and give her the privacy that she’s obviously seeking, the door jostles and pops open. She stands before me, a sobbing mess. Her face is red and swollen, her chest shuddering with each intake of breath.

  My heart is in my throat. “Are you okay?” I brace my hand on the doorframe above her head, leaning in close enough to feel the warmth of her breath on my bare chest. Every cell of my body aches for her. I want nothing more than to hold her and kiss away her tears. To make whatever has upset her go away. I want another chance to make her forget. But, you can’t reverse death, and no matter how much I want it to be so, she isn’t mine...not yet.

  She shakes her head. “No...not really, no.”

  “Do you, umm...do you wanna talk about it?”

  Her lip trembles as she again shakes her head.

  I really shouldn’t press things. But her eyes...her eyes are desperately begging for comfort. I reach out with my free hand and tuck a long, tear-soaked strand of hair behind her ear, letting my fingers linger for just a moment at her neck. I hear her sharp intake of breath. Knowing that she isn’t completely unaffected by my touch strokes my wounded ego. It’s not much, but right now, I will take any reassurance that this isn’t all in my head.

  Vivienne steps into me, wrapping her arms around my waist. Her damp hair feels so good against my skin, and I have to fight the urge to tangle my hands in her long, brown locks. The tropical smell of her sunscreen wafts into the air, drawing my attention to the glistening sun-kissed skin of her shoulder. I want so badly to lean down and press my lips to that very spot, leaving my own mark on her skin, and maybe...maybe even her heart.

  We stand there in silence for long minutes. Vivienne’s body slowly relaxes as she draws comfort from mine, my own twisting itself into knots. My racing heart pounds against the walls of my chest as I remember the last time that I felt her bare skin against my own. Somehow, I find the restraint to be what she needs at this moment and resist the urge to seek a little comfort for myself.

  When the crying has reduced to soft, shuddering breaths, Viv looks up at me with a weary smile. “Thank you. I guess I...I guess I needed a hug.” She peels herself off me with an embarrassed laugh.

  I’m so wound up that the best I can manage is a tight-lipped smile. “Glad you’re feeling better, Viv.”

  Her smile grows, filling the space that was just occupied by her tears. “I really am. Sometimes it just sneaks up on me...” She looks down, shuffling her feet. “I guess we have a party to get back to, huh?”

  “Yeah. You go ahead. I’ll be just a few minutes.”

  “Oh, okay,” she says, furrowing her brow in confusion.

  “I’m just gonna give my folks a ring,” I say, pulling my phone out of my pocket and flipping it in my hand. I’m lying. My parents are probably out in the middle of the ocean on their yacht or something equally as ostentatious, but I can’t tell her that what I really need is time to recover from our hug.

  “Awesome! Tell them I said hello, okay?” Vivienne squeezes the top of my arm in a friendly manner as she walks past me toward the kitchen.

  “Will do,” I respond with a playful salute, thankful that she’s leaving before I do or say something stupid.

  Her sudden perk in attitude is a blow to my confidence because while I can tell that she isn’t completely unaffected by my touch, it’s in no way the same effect that she has over my body. I’m disgusted with myself for being turned on by her at all. In moments of clarity such as this, I feel
like a bastard for ever laying hands on her at all. The worst part is that as bad as I feel now, I know that it won’t mean shit if I ever get the chance to be with her again. She’s like a drug, an addiction I never saw coming. I’m powerless to resist her pull.

  I push the screen door open with my elbow, juggling a tray of sliced watermelon and pineapple for the ladies, and step out into the back yard. The stifling heat is suffocating after almost an hour in the cool air conditioning.

  The atmosphere is completely different from the one I abandoned earlier. I find Cassie in the pool with the girls launching those little spongy pool balls at each other. Viv’s mom is relaxing on a lounge chair next to Vivienne, who is passed out in hers. I smile at Ms. Anderson as I walk past them to the kitchen area and set the tray of fruit down on the table.

  “Reid...you have a minute, son?” Ms. Anderson asks, walking up behind me.

  “Sure.”

  She takes a seat at the table, so I pull out a chair across from her and do the same.

  “I just wanted to thank you for giving up your summer to watch out for my baby girls,” she says, tearing up. “I worry about them so much.”

  “It’s no problem, ma’am,” I assure her.

  She smiles at me the way a grandmother would. The way a grandmother should, I should say. Lord knows, my grandmother doesn’t quite fit the mold. Her smile is genuine and loving, and she looks at me like I’m something precious, even though she’s only just met me. Coming from a family like mine, one founded on social status and reputation, it’s not something I’ve experienced much of in my life.

  “How’s she been? You spend the most time with her. Do you think she’s doing all right?”

  I shrug nervously. I don’t want to divulge anything that Viv wouldn’t want her to know. “I don’t really know how to answer that...I mean, she has her ups and downs, but I guess she’s doing all right considering.”

  Ms. Anderson taps her foot nervously and glances over to Viv, who’s still asleep in her chair. “Does she do that often?” she asks, tilting her head in Viv’s direction. “Fall asleep like that, I mean. This is the second time today that she’s passed out cold.”

  “Sometimes,” I answer truthfully. “But she doesn’t always sleep well. It’s usually in the evening or when she’s had a rough day. She’s not like passing out all the time or anything.” I feel like a narc, and it’s making me really uncomfortable.

  “Hmm.” She purses her lips, deep in thought. “Reid, I have to go home the day after tomorrow, and it would make me a whole lot more comfortable if you had my phone number. I want you to call me if you feel like she needs me. Will you do that?”

  “Sure,” I answer, and we exchange numbers. Honestly, it makes me feel better, too, knowing how to reach her.

  Overall, today has been great. With the exception of the one meltdown earlier, having Viv’s mom here seems to have lifted everyone’s spirits.

  The sun has begun to set and now it’s time for the real fun. I’m probably a little more excited than I should be, but I’m a guy and, well...fire. Back home we aren’t allowed to set off our own fireworks, and we have to go to watch the public displays. So, in honor of this momentous occasion, I went into town earlier in the week and bought a few hundred dollars’ worth of explosives. I’ve been itching to light them up ever since.

  I walk past the girls all stretched out on blankets in the grass on my third and final trip down to the wharf. I deposit the last of my supplies and grab the box of sparklers first. The guy at the firework stand assured me that these would be a hit with the kids. I was a little nervous about it, but Viv just laughed and couldn’t believe that I’d never done sparklers before.

  I wave them over to join me, and Vivienne pulls out one of those long tipped lighters from her bag, the ones that look like a little gun with a trigger. She hands it to me and grabs a handful of sparklers. Viv holds the first one out, and I light it. When it sparks up, I actually hop back a little in surprise.

  “Shit! Are you sure you should be letting the kids handle that?” It doesn’t seem very safe to put something shooting actual sparks in the hands of toddlers. I don’t know what I expected them to do, but this definitely wasn’t it.

  “Oh, you poor, deprived child,” Ms. Anderson says, chuckling on the side of me. “Can’t be you’ve never seen a sparkler before?”

  A nervous lump forms in my throat. “No, ma’am, I sure haven’t. That hardly seems safe...” I fight the urge to snatch it away before Vivienne can place the flaming stick in Tillie’s waiting hand, but I know that she’d never do anything to hurt her.

  When I just stand there, refusing to take my eyes off of Tillie, Vivienne grabs the lighter back and begins lighting more sparklers and handing them off to the other girls. “Here,” she says, passing one to me. “No one should go through life without twirling a sparkler.”

  I shake my head to myself and smile. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. Following Viv’s lead, I hold the sparkler away from my body and spin, and the girls all follow suit. It’s like were writing on the air, each encircled by a golden band of light. To be honest, I feel like an idiot, but even I can’t deny that this is fun.

  “Tell me you got Roman candles,” Cassie says after the last round of sparklers have burned out.

  “Yep, they were on Viv’s list.” I jog back over to our mountain of loot and grab the two boxes of Roman candles, holding them up to show Cass.

  “Bring ’em over here!” she calls, waving me back.

  “Oh, oh, oh! Those are my favorite!” Tillie jumps up, trying to snatch one from Cassie’s hand. “Can I be first?”

  “Hold on, baby. Let’s give Reid a turn first, okay? It’s his first time.”

  Cassie hands me a cardboard tube, instructing me to face it out toward the water.

  “What does it do?” I had no idea that so many different types of fireworks were made to be set off in your hands.

  “You’ll see...” She lights the wick and colored balls of fire shoot out from the stick in my hands, and again I am dumbstruck that they are going to allow the girls to handle these things. When it seems that the last of the balls have shot off, I hold the stick toward the water for a little while longer...just to be sure.

  Right as I begin to lower the tube to the ground, something explodes at my feet. I jump so high that I damn near fall into the lake.

  Cassie, Vivienne, the girls, and even Ms. Anderson are doubled over laughing, and I still have no idea what the hell just happened.

  “What the heck was that?”

  “These,” Cassie says, tossing a little white pouch at the ground. “You should have seen your face.”

  “I think I may need to go change my underwear,” I joke.

  Vivienne takes turns lighting Roman candles with each of the kids until we’ve finished those off, too.

  “What’s next?” I ask, wondering at which point we start shooting them off from the ground, the way I’ve always seen it done.

  “Whatever you want.” Viv collects the trash from the ground and shoves it into a trash bag. “Those were all of the ones that the girls could help with. I’m pretty sure the rest will have to be shot off from the stand that you bought.”

  They return to their blankets while I fire off dozens of fireworks. It’s a completely different experience than watching from a distance the way I’ve done in the past. It’s exciting and makes my blood rush. I guess in some ways, guys never grow up because I think that the thrill of blowing things up will always be there. The big finale is a huge box that will shoot off in rapid succession. After I light the wick, I run over to sit with the little girls on their Dora blanket. They scoot in next to me and squeal each time another one bursts into the air and colors the sky.

  I glance over and find Viv cuddled up on her Momma’s side, smiling brighter than I’ve ever seen. She’s happy, and for the moment, there’s no dark cloud looming over her. It makes me wonder what she was like before. Was she always so carefree
and happy? She throws her head back, laughing at something that her mom or Cassie must have said, and my God, she is beautiful. I didn’t think it was possible that she could get more beautiful. Her laugh is rich and hearty, completely unaffected. It’s the kind of laugh that you can’t help but smile when you hear it. The kind that resonates deep down into your bones.

  “Hey, Reid,” Sierra says, stealing my attention. She sits down beside Korie, placing a motherly kiss to her forehead, and I get a pang in my chest at the realization that in many ways, she is her mother. I can’t imagine having to grow up the way that they have, with nothing and no one but each other. I don’t know why suddenly the reality of her situation is registering with me. I’ve known all summer that she’s in foster care. I guess I just never took the time to think about what that actually meant. I’m not really accustomed to thinking of anyone else if I’m being honest. It’s crazy how leaving that bubble that I grew up in has made me realize just how shallow a person I am.

  “Hey, Si,” I answer, swallowing a lump of guilt. “What’s up?”

  “I just wanted to say thank you for the fireworks. This was really cool. I’ve never seen Korie so excited.” It doesn’t miss my attention the way she thanks me for Korie and not herself.

  “You’re welcome. I’m glad she enjoyed it...and I hope you did, too.”

  “Oh, I did...”

  “Good.”

  We sit in silence for a while, watching the fireworks from the neighbors’ yards, and after a few minutes, the little ones run off to join the women across the yard.

  Sierra looks at me, nervously chewing the insides of her cheeks, the way she has a habit of doing. It’s like she wants to say something but can’t decide if she should. We’ve become pretty good friends over the past few weeks, and I’m beginning to think of her like family, so I decide to help her along. “What is it, Si? Just spit it out already.”

  Her cheeks redden, and she looks over to the other blanket, making sure that no one else is paying attention to our conversation. “Well,” she says, her eyes welling up. “Umm, something happened and I just...I wanted to tell someone.”