Unspoken Rules

by Lora Inak

  He nodded. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘I guess so. It’s funny how even when things get bad, the world doesn’t stop spinning. It’s like I wanted it to, but it bloody wouldn’t.’ She sighed.

  Chris gently ran his hand down her arm. ‘I wish you’d told me things were that bad.’

  ‘I know. I should have. I just couldn’t. Maybe I’m too proud. Like my father.’

  They stopped where two roads met.

  ‘Where are we going?’ Chris asked.

  ‘LeFey Park. Do you have time?’ She held her breath. He hadn’t run away yet. Maybe he’d be okay with everything else she was planning to say.

  ‘I got time.’

  They walked in silence. Natalie drank in his closeness, enjoying this time with him, acutely aware of just how much she’d missed it, how she might never be this close to him again. So far, he was taking things well. Better than she’d expected. No sign of a freak out. In fact, he was concerned about her; cared if she was okay. She really had underestimated him.

  Daisies and little white butterflies dotted the expanse of LeFey Park. They found a mound of soft grass near the seesaw and sat down. Chris tore handfuls of grass and sprinkled it near his feet.

  ‘It’s not all bad, you know,’ she finally said, grabbing a long twig and jabbing at the earth. ‘Mum has taken up cooking classes and is threatening to open a coffee shop. Oh, and Misha found the love of her life. You know how desperate she was to get married. Well, they’re engaged. They’re going to get married at the end of next year, after I finish my course.’

  ‘So, you’re going then?’ He cleared his throat. ‘You’re moving to Brisbane?’

  ‘Yes. If I get the scores. It took some convincing, but my father is letting me go on the condition that I ace all my subjects and then find a job in Melbourne. He’s worried I’ll leave for good or something. But I won’t. I can’t. Not with how things are at home. And I’d miss my friends. I’ll be back every term break, and long weekends, and it’s only for one year.’ She shrugged. ‘It’ll be over so fast.’

  ‘Oh. That’s great, I guess.’

  Was he disappointed she was going?

  There was a long pause before he leaned back on his hands, tilting his face to the sun. She had to tell him now. She’d put it off long enough.

  ‘Chris, I … there’s something else I want to tell you. Something I should have told you a while ago. It’s why I messaged you.’

  He sat up.

  She took a long breath. The tightness in her chest wasn’t making it any easier. ‘Maybe it’s too late to say this to you, but it’s been shut up inside me for too long.’ She paused, breathing deeply.

  He was so still, so attentive. There was no turning back now.

  She bit her lip, her legs twitching. ‘I thought you’d freak out about my ethnicity, my traditions, my family, or maybe I was just scared you wouldn’t accept me. I’ve been brought up in a culture that’s rich, warm and beautiful, but also sexist and restrictive. Good or bad, it’s made me who I am.’

  ‘I like that you’re different. I …’ he started, then shook his head.

  She gulped. ‘I know, Chris. It was always about me. You once asked me if I led a double life. Well, I kind of do. I have my life at school and my life at home. Both are so different that in my head, I’ve always drawn a line between them. Kept them separate. You changed that. You challenged that. I thought I had to choose, one side or the other.’ She paused, letting her heart settle. ‘That’s why it was so hard for me to let you in. Why I kept trying to pull away. I couldn’t choose. I didn’t want to choose.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to make it so hard for you.’ Chris laid his hand over hers.

  Her skin tingled at his touch, but she pressed on.

  ‘So many awful things have happened in my life lately, things I’m still trying to process. But as bad as everything’s been, it’s also given me clarity. At the start of the year, all I really wanted was to graduate with high scores and be allowed to study at J School. That was as big as my dreams were. But now I’ve realised that my life can be whatever I make it. However big I choose it to be. I don’t have to follow other people’s rules. I can make my own. Does that make sense?’

  ‘Yes.’

  It was now or never. ‘Can you see, Chris? Being with you pushed me to question the life I was living. You made me want something more. You showed me that I didn’t have to choose between being Syrian or being Australian. I could be both or neither or something in between. Meeting you—loving you—has all been a part of it.’

  His breath caught. ‘You loved me?’

  ‘Yes. I still do. That’s what I wanted to tell you today. So you knew that when you loved me, I loved you too.’ Tears rolled down her face. Whatever happened now, whatever he said next, it didn’t matter. She’d been honest, opened herself to him; showed him her heart, scars and all.

  He dipped his head but Natalie could see his face was flushed. He suddenly jumped to his feet. ‘You shut me out. You pretty much lied to me. You broke up with me more than once and now you tell me that you loved me? That you still do?’ His voice shook.

  Tears slid down her neck. She was guilty of it all.

  ‘And the whole time I’m like, does this girl even like me? She’s so hard to read. But she hangs out at my place, and smiles at me with those sexy brown eyes, and when we kiss I’m pretty sure she’s into it. So I think to myself, I’ll tell her how I feel, girls like that. But instead, she breaks up with me for it, but then she apologises and we’re friends again, but we’re not just friends again. ’

  Natalie was lost for words. She’d done this. Confused and frustrated him enough to make him explode.

  He growled. ‘Damn it, Natalie. You have got to be the most frustrating girl I’ve ever met.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right.’ She wiped her eyes. She looked up expecting to see him livid with anger, but instead, he was shaking his head.

  ‘Did you mean what you said? About loving me?’

  Natalie nodded. She didn’t dare think it, but he was smiling. Maybe, just maybe he didn’t hate her guts.

  ‘I can’t believe I’m saying this to you, especially after everything but … I still love you too. I tried to stop. You bloody gave me enough reason to. Damn it again. I really hate admitting that to you. You broke my heart.’

  Had she heard right? He still loved her! She didn’t’ know whether to laugh, or cry, or scream. Her insides were jumbled up.

  ‘I’m so sorry. I really am. I’ll glue all the pieces back together if you let me. I should have been honest with you from the start. I know that now.’

  ‘Come here,’ he said, picking her up off the ground and wrapping his arms around her, his embrace strong.

  She melted into him, words still failing her. She breathed in his familiar scent, letting it fill her nose and warm her insides. She ran her nose along the soft length of his neck.

  He turned his face and kissed her tear-stained chin, then her cheek and finally her mouth. She held him tight, wanting to hold on forever. He stroked the back of her head, interlacing his fingers through her hair.

  Finally he pulled away, keeping his nose pressed against hers. ‘I missed that.’

  She smiled. ‘Me too. I’m really sorry I lied to you, about the formal too. I feel so shit about that.’

  They lay on their backs and looked up to the cloud-studded sky, heads touching. For the first time, Natalie was completely open. No more steering the conversation away from her family or life outside school. No more keeping Chris at arm’s-length. She was ready to dive in with him. They talked about end of year exams, their future plans, their feelings for one another-and they talked about sex too. About how big a deal sex before marriage was in her culture, and how she wasn’t sure whether she was ready to take that leap with him just yet, whether she’d ever be ready. She pressed h
ome how important the decision was to her future and her choices.

  Later, walking home hand in hand, Chris turned to her. ‘Do you have to go to Brisbane?’

  ‘No. I don’t have to. But I really want to.’

  ‘I’ll miss you.’

  ‘I’ll miss you too, but it’s not for another three months and even then, I’ll be back as often as I can. And I want you to visit me too. Long weekends. Term breaks. Whenever you can.’

  He nodded. ‘Imagine that. You and me tearing up Brisvegas.’

  Chris and her in another state, alone, no parents. Her stomach swirled.

  They stopped in front of his house.

  ‘Are you going to tell your parents about me?’ Chris dropped his school bag onto the ground.

  ‘Yes, but not straight away. They’ve had a lot to deal with in a short space of time. I want to give them a chance to digest everything else first. Is that okay?’

  ‘Yep. Just promise me you will.’

  ‘I’ll do better than that. In a couple of months when things settle down, I’ll introduce you to my family. And if you’re a good boy and keep up the supply of fascinating facts, I might even take you to my sister’s wedding. As my date. Show you off to the whole community.’ She smiled. ‘Get all their tongues wagging.’

  Chris laughed. ‘Wow. That’s going to be a real eye opener. It’ll be cool though. I’m looking forward to it.’

  ‘Yep.’ Natalie wrapped her arms around him. ‘I’m looking forward to seeing the look on your face. And theirs.’