Shattered

by Pamela Sparkman

  Well shit.

  It was probably for the best. It wasn’t like she lived right around the corner. She lived in freaking Colorado. Why was I getting twisted over this anyway? It was only a kiss. And obviously one she wished she could take back.

  Maggie

  “Do you think we are doomed to keep making the same mistakes from our past?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Or maybe, at least, we’re doomed to keep experiencing the same mistakes over and over again because it doesn’t matter if we learn from them or not. We just keep getting stuck in some never-ending cycle of wrongness with no way of ever getting out.”

  “Was there another question in there?”

  “Huh?” Oh crap. I didn’t mean to say any of that stuff – definitely not to another person – and did that even make sense? “Sorry, Lily, I was just thinking out loud. Ignore me.”

  “What’s going on, Mags?”

  I sighed silently into the phone, and because I knew she couldn’t see me, hoped she bought what I was about to say. “It was some stupid movie I watched last night. You know I shouldn’t watch sappy movies. I always start to psychoanalyze the characters…” I made a point to pick up my pep and hoped I would get away with changing the subject. “Anyway, so tell me, Lily girl, how is married life?”

  “Married life is great!” I was glad because it looked like I was going to escape the inquisition. “But…” and there went my luck, “…don’t change the subject. Something is bugging you. Spill.”

  “Lily, I’m fine, really. Don’t fuss over me.” I laughed, hoping she would let me off the hook this one time. “I’m getting settled back in after my visit with you and I guess I’m feeling a little lonely. Don’t make a big deal of it. I’ll be fine.”

  I didn’t really mean to say all that, although it was true. I did miss Lily, however, deep down it was something more, and I knew it. I felt empty, and I didn’t like it. Not. One. Bit.

  The other end of the line was quiet and I began to wonder if she was still there. After a moment, I heard her breathe into the phone. “Maggie, I miss you too.” She paused. “And I know that something else is bothering you.” I started to protest, she spoke over me, quickly cutting me off, “…but I’ll let it go – for now.”

  There was no point in trying to make a big production about nothing else being wrong. She knew me as well as I knew her. It would have been pointless, and it would have probably made her mad. I simply said, “Thanks, Lily.”

  “Sure. I want you to know, Maggie, that I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”

  “I know right where to find you. Now go spend some quality time with that hunky husband of yours. Give him my best, will ya?”

  “I will. I love you, Mags.”

  “I know. I love you too.”

  After the phone call with Lily I finished up the last load of clothes and put them away along with the luggage that was still sitting in the middle of my living room floor. I was suddenly exhausted and had just gotten into my favorite pair of night shorts and was slipping a tank top over my head when there was a knock at the door.

  Great. Just great.

  “Who is it?” I called.

  “Kevin. I heard you were back.”

  Fan-freakin-tastic. Kevin Klein. No relation to Calvin Klein. Don’t tell him that though. He thinks he’s all that and a whole lot more. He’s arrogant and a complete jackass. He’s also my ex-boyfriend. Sort of.

  “What are you doing here, Kevin?” I whined, more than asked, as I quietly beat my forehead against my side of the door.

  “Come on, baby, don’t be like that. Open the door. I wanted to see you.”

  Yeah, I bet.

  “What’s the matter, huh? Was Natalie busy tonight? And Jessica? She busy too? And…what’s her name? Kate? She all booked up for the evening?”

  I forced myself to look through the peephole and could see him standing in the hallway of my apartment building, looking gorgeous as always. I really didn’t want my neighbors hearing our conversation and I almost regretted saying anything other than goodbye, but it was too late.

  He dropped his head. “C’mon, Maggie. Just… just let me in so we can talk. I came to see you. I’m not anywhere else tonight.”

  Only because I didn’t want to have this conversation where other people could hear and then gossip about it later, I removed the chain from my door, opened it, and stepped aside. Looking up into deep brown eyes I did my best to look uninterested. “Fine. You’ve got five minutes and that’s it.”

  Five minutes.

  Why couldn’t I have stuck to the five minutes I gave him, then I wouldn’t be in this mess. How did I get here? How did I get to be this person?

  “I have to go,” he said, while trying to turn my face towards his. “I would stay but I have an early meeting.”

  “Right,” I croaked out.

  “Come on, babe. Don’t be like that. I tell you what; I’ll take you out to dinner tomorrow tonight. Okay? Just you and me.”

  I looked at him. And for a change, I mean I really looked at him. I saw a man who was used to getting exactly what he wanted with very little effort on his part. I saw a man who didn’t mind having sex with me, so long as he got to come and go at his convenience and who thought that buying me dinner was enough to let him continue to use me up. And I was furious, but I was furious with myself because this was my fault. I brushed his hand away from my face, relieved that I had come to my senses before making a huge mistake, and stood up.

  “No,” I said as I made my way around him.

  “No? No to dinner? Okay.” He stood and took a step toward me. “Then maybe we can come back here and—”

  His fingers started skimming down my arm and I grabbed his hand. “Don’t!”

  “What’s the matter with you, Maggie?”

  “I’m what’s the matter. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

  “Do what? What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about this.” I waved my hand between the two of us. “This isn’t what I want.”

  “That’s funny. It used to be exactly what you wanted.”

  “I know.”

  It’s true. I did. At least I thought I did, and I thought I did tonight. I was feeling so lonely after hanging up with Lily; and when I let Kevin in, we sat down on the couch and started talking. It wasn’t long until he started kissing my neck; I closed my eyes and let him. For a moment this was what I needed – just a physical connection. It had always worked before. I wanted it to be the answer to the ache in my chest, the one that had made an unwelcome appearance since I left Nashville. I wanted that feeling to go away, so I pretended I was somewhere else. I pretended Kevin was someone else. Then I realized I’d been pretending my whole life.

  He pulled at my hand and that shook me from my thoughts. “So, what are you saying?” he asked, looking confused.

  “I’m saying… goodbye.” I shook my head and tried to not make it into some big scene. It wasn’t like we were in love or even exclusive. “I deserve more, Kevin.”

  “Is that why you stopped what was about to happen between us?”

  “Yes,” I said, feeling extremely thankful that I had.

  “I can’t give you…” He paused and looked down.

  “I’m not asking anything of you. This isn’t about you. This is about me. I don’t want this kind of relationship anymore. So, it’s time we went our separate ways. That’s all I’m saying.”

  He took a step back and combed his fingers through his hair. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I’m positive.” It was probably the only thing I was positive about.

  He looked at me intently and took a step forward. “Okay. You know how to get in touch if you change your mind. I hope you find what you’re looking for, Maggie.”

  As I watched him walk out the door, I whispered to myself, “Me too.”

  After Kevin left, my mind was reeling and falling asleep
wasn’t likely to happen any time soon. In an attempt to put tonight’s events with Kevin out of my mind, I leaned back against my pillows, remembering the wedding. Lily was the most beautiful bride I’d ever seen, and Cooper was – well, he was indescribable, really. I’d never seen a man so in love before. I think it made him even more handsome somehow. The way he would watch Lily when she didn’t know he was watching her was… endearing.

  Those happy memories had me feeling more relaxed after a little while so I headed into the bathroom to wash my face. I was still smiling at the memory of my best friend getting married when I looked in the mirror and realized that I didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me.

  Who are you? I asked myself.

  I shook my head, looked away, and reached for my toothbrush. I had no answer. I didn’t know who I was.

  I flipped off the light, padded back to my room, and crawled into bed. Attempting to fall asleep once more, I closed my eyes and let out a slow breath, hoping to clear my mind. I was successful for about a minute before his face popped into my head.

  Joe.

  I had kissed him at the bar. I told myself I went there to give Lily and Cooper some privacy and that was true, to a point. I did go there to give them some alone time … however, that wasn’t why I stayed. There was something about him. I didn’t plan on kissing him. It happened, and then I was so embarrassed that I took off without even saying goodbye. I didn’t speak to him again until the wedding reception when he asked me to dance.

  I rolled over, stared at the ceiling, and allowed myself permission to play out the memory.

  “Dance with me.”

  I was talking to Ms. Sophie, Cooper’s grandmother. She always says she has never met a stranger. I had only met her once before, at Lily’s father’s funeral. And as soon as she saw me again, she wrapped her arms around me like I was her long lost daughter. It was nice.

  I turned around to look at Joe. He was smiling, like he had a secret, and I was still burning with embarrassment from the other night. I turned back towards Ms. Sophie, and chose not to answer him.

  “Dance with me, Maggie.”

  This time when I looked up at him his smile had faded and he was looking more determined.

  “You’d better dance with the young man,” Ms. Sophie said, a hint of humor in her voice. “Seems he won’t take no for answer.”

  “Ms. Sophie,” Joe said, “Did you hear about that Mexican train killer?”

  “Good heavens, no!” Ms. Sophie answered.

  “Yeah, they say he had loco motives,” Joe said, grinning like the Cheshire cat and swirling his index finger in circles near the side of his head while crossing his eyes.

  “Joe Carlisle!” Ms. Sophie exclaimed, playfully smacking his arm, and grinning back at him. It was obvious she loved Joe every bit as much as Cooper did.

  “This one,” she said, pointing to Joe, “is a good egg. Don’t be a silly girl. Now go on, dance with him.”

  I looked back at Joe, who was now holding out his hand for me. “You heard Ms. Sophie. I’m a good egg.” His smile had returned. “You know you want to.”

  And there it was. “A bit cocky aren’t you?” I replied.

  “No, I told you. Not cocky – confident. Do I need to write this down?”

  “That’s a mighty thin line you’re straddling, Mr. Carlisle.”

  “What line would that be, Miss Malone?”

  “The line between being confident and being cocky.”

  He took my hand and led me to the dance floor. He pulled me towards him and our bodies united as he held me close to him. “I don’t want you to think I’m cocky, Maggie.” He said it so low I almost didn’t hear him. “I’m just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to dance with him.”

  “Oh my god, did you steal a line from Notting Hill?” I asked, pulling back and looking at him with wide-eyed astonishment.

  “What? What the hell is Notting Hill?” he asked, clearly confused.

  “It’s a movie.”

  He stared at me with a blank expression.

  “Julia Roberts? Hugh Grant?”

  Still nothing.

  I sighed. “In the movie Julia Roberts is a famous actress who–”

  “I know who she is,” Joe said, interrupting me.

  “No, she plays the part of a famous actress, Anna Scott. Anyway, in the movie her character hooks up with Hugh Grant’s character and they go back and forth between not talking to each other for months at a time to sort of kind of dating. And Julia’s character decides towards the end of the movie that she has feelings for Hugh’s character. And that’s when she says it.”

  “Says what?”

  “That line you just said. Well, maybe not that exact line, but still.”

  “I’m confused. Maggie, what are you talking about?”

  “The movie.” I huffed. “Julia comes back to the bookstore that Hugh owned and she tries to get back together with him. Long story short, she says to him, ‘I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her’. Difference being you said ‘dance’ instead of love, but it’s the same principle.”

  Joe continued to stare at me. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, released it. “Maggie, shut up and dance with me.” Then he gave me a seductive grin.

  I opened my mouth about to tell him he still had a cocky attitude when he put one finger over my mouth. “Don’t steal my thunder, and before you say it again, I’m going to say it again. It’s not cocky to want to dance with you. I am not cocky. I am just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to dance with him.”

  I realized then that I was the one being cocky. I couldn’t get past my own embarrassment from the kiss. I had never behaved that way before. Yes, I had kissed men, or rather been kissed, however, I never was the one to initiate it. I was the girl that talked a good game. The truth was, I was always the one who let the guy make the first move. I gave the control to them, let them think they held the cards. In reality though, it made me feel like I held the power. I guess because I wasn’t putting myself out there for rejection. The moment I kissed Joe and waited for him to either reciprocate or push me away sank me. I knew the moment I did it, I was powerless. Completely powerless. And when he kissed me back it did sink me, but not like drowning under water, it was more like being submerged inside of him. I was gone, trapped in his embrace, and I didn’t think I could ever emerge from the depth of his kiss. I liked the feeling and hated it all at the same time, which was why I left him standing there that night without looking back.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’ll dance with you.”

  “Hallelujah, Amen!” Joe said, throwing his hands up in the air.

  And we did, the rest of the night. Conversation between us flowed easily, like we had known each other our whole lives, yet we were learning about each other for the first time.

  “You’re kidding me, right? Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?”

  “What? They were awesome! You don’t agree?” Joe asked.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I can’t even remember what songs they sang.”

  “‘Good Vibrations.’” Joe said.

  I scrunched up my eyebrows.

  “You don’t know ‘Good Vibrations’?!”

  “Yeah, I know it. I just… I dunno, it was all right I guess.”

  “Oh no no no no! We can’t have this.” He turned sharply and looked around then yelled out, “Yo, Coop, Hayden, come with me!”

  I tugged on his arm. “Where are you going?”

  “You’ll see.” He winked.

  He left me standing on the dance floor and the three of them headed over to where the DJ was. The DJ nodded his head and then the music stopped. Joe grabbed the microphone. “Sorry guys. We’ve got something better in mind.” He looked back towards the DJ and said, “Hit it.” The three of them removed their jackets.

  “Oh. My. God.” I said, as Lily walked over to me. “What are they doing?”

  “Givin
g us a show, I think,” she said while trying to contain her excitement.

  Joe was in the middle, Hayden and Cooper on each side of him. Joe said into the mic, “Yeah, you feel it baby? I can too.” With that the three of them started dancing like they had memorized the video, with Joe doing the part of Marky Mark.

  I put my head in my hands and laughed. Joe was killing it! In a good way. He knew all the words and who knew the man could dance like that! All three of them were acting the parts out perfectly. I remembered the song and the video, although I couldn’t remember ever liking it as much as I did now.

  Everyone was dancing, even me. I looked over at Ms. Sophie and she was getting her groove on too. Joe winked at me when he saw me dancing and I winked right back. I had a smile on my face so big I thought my face would be permanently stretched out from it. It was a good feeling.

  When it was over, Joe handed the mic back to the DJ, and walked over to me after he thanked the crowd for their applause. “Well, whatcha think now?” he asked, beaming.

  I shrugged nonchalantly. “It was okay.”

  “Just okay?”

  “Mmm-hmm,” I replied, looking around, pretending to be unimpressed.

  “Come here.”

  “Excuse me?” I asked, instantly bringing my attention back to him.

  “I said, ‘Come. Here.’”

  “And what if I—”

  Joe pulled me into him by one arm with a little bit of force. The move was so unexpected I gasped when the front of my body collided with his.

  “Oh!”

  “Yeah, Oh,” he repeated.

  He stared down at me and licked his lips. I mimicked the action.

  “Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “Lick your lips like that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I want to do that.” He then proceeded to show me by cupping my face and swiping his tongue over my lower lip. “Peaches,” he murmured. “So sweet,” he licked again, “and so good.”

  Gone. That’s what I was at that moment. So far gone.