Shattered

by Pamela Sparkman

  I leaned into him, relaxing against his hard muscles. His breath caressed the sensitive skin behind my ear as he continued to hold me against him.

  “I’m going to turn you around now, Maggie, and I’m going to kiss you. Be still and don’t think about anything other than what it feels like to have my mouth on yours.”

  His hands left me briefly and I felt his absence until I realized I was now facing him. His hands made a reappearance and he cupped my face, tilting my head to look up at him. I was burning up inside at the thought of having his lips on mine again. Without thinking I brought my hands up and held on to his wrists as he kissed me with his eyes.

  Oh. My. God.

  “Close your eyes, Maggie, and just feel me. You think too much. Don’t move.” His voice was soft, his tone sensual.

  I closed my eyes. My heart pounded inside my chest while I waited for the feel of him. I was completely and utterly vulnerable in this moment, and for the first time I didn’t care. I felt high, like my feet were floating on a cloud. The anticipation was literally consuming every part of me. I was no longer able to think of anything outside of Joe and this moment. My brain was only processing on a sensory level. My sense of smell, touch, taste was heightened to levels I’ve never experienced before. My hearing was also heightened because his whispers were loud in my head.

  “I haven’t even kissed you yet and you already feel me. Can you taste me, Maggie?” He paused, and I felt his nose skate along my jaw. “You taste like peaches, love. I haven’t been able to eat peaches since I tasted you outside my bar.” His mouth descended on mine at that statement, like he was claiming me for his own. And even though I was anticipating the moment I would feel his lips on me again, I was still surprised when it happened. It took my breath away. Then it was like he breathed into me, and I could breathe again, filling my lungs with something more than air, and I needed it like I needed oxygen.

  I held onto his wrists tighter, afraid that he would pull away too soon if I let go. His kiss went deep – deeper – reaching into my soul and crushing it with brute force.

  And that’s when the old me decided to reappear.

  “Don’t,” I breathed, struggling to break the spell he had on me.

  “Don’t what?” he asked, pulling me into him as I tried to pull away.

  “Don’t manipulate me.”

  “Manipulate you? How have I manipulated you?”

  “I – you – this,” I said waving my finger between the two of us, like that explained everything. “You’re trying to–”

  “I’m trying to kiss you, Maggie. That’s all. Because I thought you wanted me to. Was I wrong?”

  I started to refute his words, and then stopped. Again, I tried to say something only the words got lost somewhere between my brain and my mouth. I stood there looking like a fish caught on a hook, gasping.

  “I’m not wrong,” he stated. “You wanted me to kiss you, and that pisses you off. You keep doing that. You kiss me, and you get mad right after. I kiss you, and once again you get mad. Why do you do that? What scares you?”

  “I’m not scared,” I claimed, squaring off my shoulders and straightening my spine like it was encased in steel.

  Joe smiled like he accepted the challenge. “Yes, you are. You don’t let people get close to you, Maggie. The minute you lose a sliver of control you run.”

  “You don’t know me, Joe. You know nothing about me. You think you’re so–”

  He put his finger on my lips. “I’m going to stop you right there before you finish that sentence. We are going to go inside. I’m going to show you to the guest bedroom and if you like we can pick up this conversation after you’ve had a chance to get over being pissed at yourself. After that we can say good night properly,” he grinned, “or you can stay mad until morning and not come out at all. The choice is yours, love. I would prefer the former.”

  “Are those my only choices?”

  “Yes.”

  “Fine.” I turned and stepped aside, giving him room to unlock the door. He was right about me, and he knew it. I was pissed at myself for the reasons he stated. And now I was pissed at myself for ending the kiss and almost starting a fight. I lowered my head as I walked through the entryway and followed him down the hallway to the guest room.

  He turned the knob and pushed the door open, gesturing for me to walk in. I moved past him, eager to be alone with myself so I could do what I do best – think too much. Just when I thought I was home free, he stopped me by placing his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t look at him; I continued to stare ahead at the bed in the center of the room. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you decide you want to talk.”

  I nodded once in response and he walked away. His absence left a chill behind. I felt cold – again. I already missed him.

  I stood inside the spare bedroom and looked around. It was nice enough. I walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at my hands while thinking about what just happened with Joe. It felt like my head was scrambled with a million things all competing for attention and I couldn’t think.

  I stood up, closed my eyes, and breathed in through my nose and out my mouth. I did that a couple of times and then decided I needed to apologize to Joe. Slowly, I walked to the door, opened it quietly, and listened. I heard Joe in the kitchen, exactly as he said he would be. I began my slow walk down the hallway and when I got to the kitchen, I stopped.

  Joe had one hip leaned against the counter and his arms were folded in front of his chest, looking down. When he heard me enter he looked up.

  “Maggie, I’ve been meaning to ask you…” He stopped and looked intently at my face, and then his lips curled upward. “Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?”

  I smiled. I couldn’t help it. He looked so adorable standing there. He wanted to make me smile. I didn’t deserve his kindness, but he was giving it to me anyway. And that soft spot I had for Joe instantly grew bigger.

  “Thank you.”

  “For what?” he asked.

  “For this. You. I’m sorry about before, how I acted. I didn’t–”

  “We’re good, Maggie. Like you said, it’s been a long day. We’re all allowed to have our moments.”

  I nodded to both agree with what he said, and for accepting my apology without me having to actually say it. Then I looked at Joe and got very serious again. “Hey... didn't I see your name in the dictionary under ‘Shazaam!?’”

  Joe grinned and tilted his head to the side, nodding like he was impressed. “Did you have Lucky Charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!”

  “You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.”

  “If you were a Transformer, you'd be a HOT-obot, and your name would be Optimus Fine.”

  I opened my mouth and I couldn’t think of anything to say. We looked at each other for a few seconds and then both burst out laughing. “You’ve been waiting to hit me with those all day haven’t you?” Joe asked.

  “Yep. I came prepared.”

  “That’s awesome,” he said shaking his head in amusement while stuffing his hands in his front pockets. He looked at me thoughtfully. “You’re full of surprises too, Maggie.”

  “We’re a pair, aren’t we?”

  We were both silent for a moment and then Joe replied, “Yes, I think we are.”

  Joe

  I dribbled the ball around Hayden, who was trying to block my shot. I did a quick reverse to maneuver around the other side of him and managed to get my jump shot off this time. “Two points!” I shouted. “Nothin’ but net.”

  “You’re still down by six points, Joe,” Cooper said, slapping me on the back.

  “I’m beating Hayden, though.”

  “The only reason you’re beating me right now is because you cheat,” Hayden huffed, and went to retrieve the ball.

  “Me? Cheat? Never.”

  Hayden glared at me with his eyes squinted, and placed a hand on his hip while rolling the basketball on his oth
er hip. “Dude, you pulled my pants down three different times.”

  “Wear tighter pants.”

  Hayden laughed. “Fuck you.”

  I walked to Hayden, shaking my head. “Tsk…tsk. Such harsh language. You mad?” I asked while snatching the ball away, dribbled down court, went in for the layup and scored. “Count it!”

  Cooper barked out a laugh. Hayden yelled back, “I got you right where I want you!”

  “Yeah? Where’s that?”

  “Whatever. You cheat.”

  “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.”

  Hayden glanced at Cooper. “Why are we playing with him again?”

  “Because you missed me,” I answered before Cooper had a chance.

  “I missed you about as much as I would miss a rash on my ass.”

  “Are you still getting those? Dude, I’m sorry. No wonder you’re so cranky.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Language,” I scolded, and then grinned.

  Cooper walked over and picked up his gym bag. “I beat both your asses, and I got a woman waiting at home for me, so I’m out.” He turned, gave a salute. “Ladies.”

  I saluted back. “See ya.”

  Hayden walked over to the bleachers, sat down, and leaned back, propping himself up with his arms behind him.

  “What’s got you turned inside out, man? I know it’s not the rash on your ass,” I asked as I sat down beside him.

  Hayden tried not to grin. He shook his head and sat up, resting his elbows on his knees. “Beth.”

  “Beth? As in Beth Covington? Sweet Beth that is always smiling and laughs at all my jokes? That Beth?”

  He nodded. “That’s the one.”

  “So, what is it? Are you two going out or something?”

  We had both met Beth through Lily. She and Lily used to work together at Sal’s Diner. She’s a really sweet girl, and because she was Lily’s friend we started including her whenever we did anything as a group.

  Hayden dropped his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “No.”

  I waited for him to explain. He continued to rub his neck and then painstakingly dropped his hand and stared off at nothing in particular. Maybe if I were more patient I would sit there all day and wait him out. I’m not patient, so I asked.

  “Did something happen? Is she in trouble? Do we need to kick somebody’s ass? How many guesses do I get?”

  “You know what? Just forget I said anything.”

  “No way. What’s going on with you two? Is there something going on?

  “No, nothing is going on with us. I just… there’s something...” He paused, looked around, and then gave his attention back to me. “Don’t say anything to her, or to Lily either. Let me handle it.”

  “Handle what? What are you even talking about?”

  “Just…” he held his palm up to me, “she needs help with something, and I’m trying to figure how to help her. Only the thing is, she doesn’t want my help. I think she might even hate me,” he said while laughing, though there was no amusement in it. He looked tortured. I knew the feeling.

  I stood up and slapped Hayden on the shoulder once. “I won’t say anything to Beth or to Lily. I wouldn’t even know what to say anyway. I get it – sort of – as best I can without knowing the details. I can guarantee she doesn’t hate you. We’re talking about Beth here. I don’t think she’s capable of hating anyone, even you,” I said, and then slapped him again on the shoulder.

  He let out another humorless laugh and nodded, more to himself than me I think. We both began gathering our stuff up to leave when he glanced over at me. “So what about you? What’s the deal with you and Maggie?”

  And just like that, I was the one in a bad mood. Without looking back at him I zipped my bag up with a little too much force and slung it over my shoulder. Apparently even someone else mentioning her name draws out an irrational irritation inside me. I’m going to have to get over this, so I closed my eyes and tried not to expose my irritation over hearing her name any more than I already have.

  “Nothing,” I said as I walked toward the doors heading out.

  Another laugh from Hayden, only this time there was definitely humor in it. “I guess you think no one saw the way you two got along at the reception.”

  I stopped. “What do you mean?”

  “Don’t play me, man. I know you like her and from what I could tell she likes you too.”

  “She’s hot and cold.”

  “Well, she’s definitely hot,” Hayden said with a shit-eating grin.

  And there was that irrational irritation again. I gave him a tight lipped smile, and refused to respond.

  “Oh damn, it’s that bad, huh?”

  I stopped again. “What?”

  “You got it that bad,” Hayden teased.

  I hung my head. “I’m not sure what I have,” I muttered.

  “You have Maggie on the brain, that’s what you have. What are you gonna do about it?”

  “Is there anything I can do about it? She’s lives in another state. It’s not like I can call her up and ask her out.”

  “You can call her up and talk to her. Get to know her, let her get to know you.” Hayden shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal. “Give her that ol’ Joe charm.”

  “And then what?” I asked hoping he would have all the answers to my dilemma.

  “And then, wait. See what happens. Don’t let a little thing like distance keep you from each other. That stuff can be sorted out later.”

  I stood in place contemplating the idea of trying to date Maggie long distance. After a few seconds of flipping that over in my head, I nodded. “We’ll see.”

  I reached behind me to pull my t-shirt over my head while walking down the hall to my bedroom. I opened the closet door, tossed the sweaty shirt in the laundry basket, and reached for a clean shirt then grabbed a pair of boxer briefs out of the dresser drawer and headed for the shower.

  I waited for the water to get hot, testing it every few seconds. After a minute there was enough steam in the tiny bathroom I could write my name on the mirror. I got in and let the water cascade over my head, shoulders, and down my back as I closed my eyes and ran my hands through my hair. The hot water felt good on my tired muscles so I let the steamy shower do its thing.

  The conversation I had with Hayden came back to me and I allowed myself a moment to consider his suggestion. I could call her up and talk to her. There was no harm in that. Even considering the possibility of developing a real friendship with her helped ease the frustration I was feeling. I reached for the shampoo bottle and lathered up my hair still envisioning all the possibilities in my head as I washed away the day’s activities. Already I was feeling lighter than I had all week. I closed my eyes and dipped my head back under the water to rinse off the shampoo when I was struck with another memory.

  She and I were in my kitchen talking. I wanted to get under her skin so bad I could taste it. I don’t know why. I think I needed to leave my mark on Maggie, the same way she was leaving her mark on me, and the only way I knew to do that was to spar with her; go toe to toe. Make her remember me.

  “Let me do something nice for you,” Maggie said, stepping towards me.

  “Do something nice for me? Is this like a fantasy come true kind of thing? ‘Cause I’m thinking of all kinds of –”

  “Stop. That’s not what I meant and you know it.” She scolded me with a mischievous grin.

  I held my hands up in surrender and mirrored her grin. “Sorry. You walked into that one. I couldn’t just let that go.”

  “Mmm-hmm.” She walked toward my fridge and peered inside.

  “By all means, help yourself,” I said. I pulled out a kitchen chair, turned it around, and straddled it. She bent down, moving things to the side to see what lurked behind them.

  “What? Oh god, I’m sorry. I didn’t even think,” she said. A hint of pink flushed across her cheeks. “My first time coming to your house and I have behaved b
adly, and now I’m rummaging through your refrigerator like I own it. I’m really not usually like this.”

  “Maggie, I was kidding. I don’t mind you looking in my fridge. Are you hungry? You should have said something.” Actually, it was kind of nice seeing her comfortable enough to make herself at home in my kitchen.

  She shook her head. “No, but like I told you before, I wanted to do something nice for you. I thought I could make you a nighttime snack if you had the ingredients.” She shrugged. “I thought we could both use one after today.”

  “And what kind of… snack were you thinking of?” I asked while waggling my eyebrows at her.

  “You’re impossible.”

  “I’m imaginable.”

  “You’re frustrating.”

  “I’m encouraging.”

  She folded her arms in front of her and glared at me.

  I smiled.

  “I want to hit you and hug you at the same time,” Maggie huffed right before the corners of her mouth turned up. She unfolded her arms and asked, “Do you like cinnamon toast? It’ll help you sleep.”

  “Is that right? I had no idea,” I replied. “Interesting. I do like cinnamon toast. Please, work your magic.” I gestured my hands toward the stove. “I assume you need bread, butter, and cinnamon. Anything else?”

  “Vanilla extract.”

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “Vanilla extract. Do you have any?”

  “I’m pretty sure I don’t.”

  “Pretty sure?”

  “I don’t. I’m sure. What is it? Never mind, it doesn’t even matter. Can you make it without that?”

  “I can manage. It won’t be as good though.”

  “I’m sure it’ll be perfection.”

  She smiled at that. Like really smiled, and I decided right then and there that I wanted to always be what made her smile. Something inside told me that Maggie didn’t really smile all that much. I could tell a part of her was afraid to experience anything real. The hard part was trying to figure out why.