“Keep moving, ma’am.”
I held up one hand in an apology, and refocused my attention on getting around the accident. I eventually made it to the other side of the intersection and was back at my apartment a few minutes later.
When I got inside, I grabbed my phone, plugged it in to charge, and decided to take a quick shower. It had been a long day, and I was anxious to get settled in for the evening and call Joe. I needed to hear his voice. I needed to tell him he was right. I needed to tell him how much I loved him. I needed to tell him that I don’t want to live without him. If I learned anything today it’s that life is short and you should be with the ones you love. And Joe is who I loved above all else.
I thought about the time lost between my father and I and how irretrievable it was. I thought about all of the time I had wasted on men who didn’t want anything more from me than my company for a night or two. I thought about Lily and Cooper, how they found one another after years had passed and were now making the most of every moment together. And I realized I wanted that too, with Joe. I didn’t want to be on the other side of the country tonight; I wanted to be sitting at the bar, laughing at his corny jokes and looking into eyes that bore into my soul and told me without words how loved I am. I needed to tell him that. I vowed that I would tell him tonight.
I thought how he would react to that little bit of news. Hell, this was news to me too. I just realized it myself. I mean, not the part about loving him. I knew I loved him, but deciding to possibly leave Colorado, that was new. However, I thought I might be ready. It would mean quitting my job, letting my apartment go, and finding a place in Nashville. It would take some time, but I would make the most of every minute until my move to Nashville. If Joe wanted the same thing, that was.
The shower was just what I needed, and now I was so relaxed I could fall asleep standing up. I went to retrieve my phone and dialed Joe’s number. He didn’t answer, although I saw he had left me a text message not too long ago. I texted him back…
Maggie: Hey, I’m home and I have a lot to tell you. Call me when you get this message.
Setting my phone down on the nightstand, I crawled under the covers with a book, ready to relax and wait for Joe’s call. I tried to concentrate on the words on the page, but my eyes grew heavy and before long I gave up. I laid the book aside, checked the time, and thought I would rest my eyes for a few minutes. Joe would certainly be calling back soon.
The next thing I knew I was being woken up to a sound of a car alarm going off. Disoriented, I opened my eyes. I squinted at the clock: 1:00 a.m. I hadn’t meant to actually fall asleep. I must have been more exhausted than I realized. I rubbed my eyes, reaching for my phone and expecting to see missed calls from Joe. There were none. It wasn’t like him to not call. He would have definitely called me by now. I had no new text messages either.
I called Joe’s number. Again no answer. I should be worried.
No.
I shook my head and told myself not to get worked up. I’m sure there was a perfectly good explanation why Joe hadn’t called me back. Right? Let me think…the bar wouldn’t close for another hour. Maybe if he got busy and couldn’t call me earlier, he wouldn’t want to wake me? No, he would have at least sent me a text. We always talk to each other, no matter how late it is. Immediately, I dialed Joe’s number once more. It went straight to voice mail. Something was wrong. I could feel it.
I chewed on my lip and debated whether to call Hayden. I pulled up his number, and for a minute my thumb hovered over the call button.
Should I? Will I be disturbing Hayden this early…late…whatever?
Screw it…I was calling him. I pressed call and waited.
“Hello?”
I couldn’t tell if I woke him or not. “Hayden, it’s me, Maggie.”
“Maggie, hi. What’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure. I can’t get in touch with Joe. I texted him when I got home and then I got a shower and I fell asleep; that was hours ago. He hasn’t texted or called me back and that’s not like him. Do you know–”
“Wait…he’s not with you?”
“No. Why would he be with me?”
“Because he flew out to see you.”
“Hayden, Joe’s not here. Wait, what are you saying? Joe was coming here? When?”
“Maggie, he should have been there several hours ago. When is the last time you talked to him? ”
“He sent me a text message earlier in the evening. That’s the last I’ve heard from him. Oh my God! Something’s happened.” My hands began to shake, and my voice was starting to crack. “What happened to him, Hayden?”
“Maggie, let’s think this through. Shit. Umm…he uh…was going to rent a car when he got there. He was going to drive to your apartment and surprise you. Are you sure he hasn’t called? You checked?”
“Yes! I checked. When I got home I put my phone on charge, took my shower, tried calling Joe and he never answered, so I left him a text message asking him to call me when he got it. I fell asleep and when I woke up I checked my phone again for missed calls. He never called, Hayden! He would have called me. He would have. He never called!”
“Fuck!”
“Something’s happened to him. I know it!”
“Listen, I’m going to call Joe’s parents to see if they’ve heard from him. You need to call the local hospitals, Maggie, see if Joe’s there. If he was in an accident or something they–”
“Oh my God!” I yelled cutting off Hayden. I pulled the phone away from my ear and frantically scanned through my messages looking for Joe’s last text.
I just bought some peaches at the market. Wonder if these peaches taste as good as you do? Hmm…maybe I can find out later…
Then I remembered the peach I saw rolling along the road when I passed by that accident.
Oh my God.
“Maggie! Maggie! What is it?” I pulled the phone back up to my ear.
This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening.
“Maggie! Talk to me!”
“I know what happened. I mean, I don’t know what happened, but there was an accident about a mile from my apartment building....” I sounded calm to my own ears, but inside I was a colossal mess of confusion and desperation. “I saw the accident when I was driving home.” A wave of realization crashed over me all at once, knocking me down and crashing over me again. My vision became blurred, and my voice broke with sobs. “I s-s-saw the peach. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know it was h-h-him. I didn’t kn-kn-know!”
“Breathe, Maggie. Breathe. Call the nearest hospital to you. That’s where they would have taken him. Okay? Can you do that?”
“Y-yes.”
“Good. I’m going to call Joe’s parents and I’m going to call you right back. Okay? Call the hospital.”
Maggie
Squeaking shoes on the hospital floor. I sat on the plastic chair in the waiting room, and that was the sound I focused on. It was better than the alternative, my mind was reeling. Too many thoughts ran through my head and I couldn’t focus on just one. The shoes were a welcome distraction; I would count the squeaks as the person approached and then walked by. I realized what I was doing and wondered if I was losing my mind. Is this what happened right before they gave you a sedative and a room in the Psych ward? A television droned on in the far corner, but I couldn’t make out anything that was being said. The whooshing sound of the emergency room doors joined in every few minutes, quickly followed by a cold burst of air that rushed in and settled around my feet. I shivered and wrapped my arms around me, trying to get warm. I managed to get a text off to my brother letting him know where I was and what had happened
No one would tell me anything. Only family members were given information. The lady at the desk told me they weren’t even supposed to tell me he was at this hospital. She started explaining all of the new HIPPA regulations and I cut her off, seeking the truth from the eyes of the one person I could speak to directly who hel
d the information I needed at her fingertips, begging her to understand.
“He’s not my family. He’s my life! Please, you have to tell me something. Is he going to be okay?”
Her eyes told me she understood, however, she said, “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you anything more than what you already know, dear…”
I turned away from her, sensing that I had only seconds before I collapsed into deep, ugly cries. I found the closest seat I could get to, and let out the most wounded sound I had ever heard.
It was the sound of my heart shattering.
I counted the tiles on the floor. I said the alphabet backwards. I tried to remember the name of my first grade teacher. Ms. Daffy…Duffy…? I couldn’t remember. I sang childhood songs quietly in my head. First, Mary Had a Little Lamb, then The Farmer in the Dell, and then Row Row Row Your Boat.
That’s when I lost it again…remembering Joe telling me why he called Lexie “Butterbean”. I had managed to stop crying while I fought to keep my mind busy with stupid, mundane things, but there was no stopping the flow of tears now. Every memory I had of Joe plowed over me and my broken heart was no match for it. I couldn’t fight it, didn’t even try. I was raw, open, exposed to the elements, and I had no fight left in me. I was going under by the weight of the grief.
My dad and my brother arrived and rushed through the doors, panic and concern on their faces. I had told them about Joe earlier at my dad’s house and they knew he was important to me. They sat beside me and I allowed them to take turns cradling me against them as I cried and attempted to fall asleep. I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep. I started thinking maybe I was asleep, home in my own bed, and this was just a bad dream. The not knowing was killing me.
I was lost in the pain and the unknown.
“Miss Malone?”
I saw the blue surgical booties that appeared in front of me, though I didn’t look up to greet the male voice. Would they come tell me if Joe died? Would they pity me enough to tell me there was no point in me sticking around? They sure as hell hadn’t told me anything to give me hope. Was he going to kill me with his words? I wanted to postpone this moment as long as possible because if I heard that he, that Joe …
“Miss Malone?”
Dad helped me sit up and he put his arm around my shoulder.
I took a fortifying breath and answered, “Yes?” I looked up, steeled my shoulders, and braced myself.
“I’m Dr. Stewart. May I? ” He gestured at the seat next to me and Caleb jumped up. Dr. Stewart thanked Caleb, who walked around and stood behind me.
I couldn’t look at him. I continued to stare at the floor. “Are you here to give me bad news?”
“I’m here to give you some information. I spoke with Joe’s parents over the phone. They gave me permission to speak with you about Joe’s condition.”
A thankful tear slid down my cheek and I exhaustively made eye contact. “Thank you,” I murmured.
“I think you already know that Joe was in a serious automobile accident. Unfortunately, he sustained a serious head injury. He has swelling on his brain, so we have him in a medically induced coma to reduce the blood flow and pressure, giving his brain an opportunity to rest. We’re monitoring him very closely. We need to reduce the swelling to prevent any further damage. It’s very serious, Miss Malone, but I’m hopeful. Right now, we’re just waiting. This appears to be the main hurdle. His other injuries are relatively minor—a few cuts and bruises, which is really remarkable. I am amazed he didn’t have any broken bones or internal bleeding with this type of accident. ”
I nodded, taking in all the information. “How long will he be in a coma?”
“That depends on how quickly the swelling goes down. It could be several hours or a few days, or longer. We just don’t know. Hopefully, when we are able to bring him out, there won’t be any damage to his brain, but that is something we won’t know until he’s awake.”
“When can I see him?”
“We have him in ICU. You can see him in about an hour. We have a waiting room on that floor. If you follow me, I’ll show you where it is.” Dr. Stewart stood, and waited for me to follow. Upon standing, my legs felt unstable, and I nearly collapsed. The doctor’s hand shot out to catch me. Dad jumped up and Caleb was by my side in a flash.
“I’m fine. I just, I lost my balance.” I righted myself and we proceeded to follow the man in the white coat to the floor of the hospital I would be spending every hour on for the foreseeable future.
How long have I been here? I don’t even know anymore. The minutes turned into hours. The hours turned into days. I’m lost. I’m drowning, and I can’t do this…I can’t do this.
“Maggie...” A quiet whisper beside me, a hand placed gently on my back. “You can do this, baby girl.”
“No, Dad, I can’t,” I whispered back because I was too afraid to say it out loud. “I can’t do this.” My hands trembled when I brought them up to my face to wipe away the tears. “I don’t know how.”
“You do. And you can. You can do this. Talk to him. Maybe he can hear you.”
Maybe. What an ominous word.
“What if he can’t hear me?”
“What if he can?” My dad stood and walked towards the door. “Take your time. We’ll all be out in the hall. Just tell him what you would want him to know. Hold nothing back, Poppet. Say what you need to say.” And with that my dad closed the door. I was so grateful for my dad and brother these past few days. Lily had called several times to check on me, they were worried sick. Cooper and Hayden were just lost; we were all a mess. Joe’s parents had arrived early in the morning the day after the wreck. They had gotten the first flight they could and had been kind enough to allow Dr. Stewart to fill me in on Joe’s condition. Joe’s mom wanted someone who cared about him with him and she made sure the doctor knew I was to be considered family.
My heavy eyes scanned the room. The beeping sounds of the machines were all around me. I looked at Joe, silently begging for him to open his eyes. The doctors had managed to reduce the swelling in his brain, and Dr. Stewart withdrew the drugs that kept him in a coma. Now we were waiting for Joe to wake up. I gingerly try to stand. My legs were weak, my muscles ached, my head was throbbing from all the crying I’d been doing for the last seventy-two hours. I sat on the edge of Joe’s hospital bed and looked at him. I held his hand in mine and made light sweeps on the top of his hand with my fingertips.
“Open your eyes, baby. Open your eyes and let me see those beautiful blues.” I swallowed back the heartache, feeling it bubbling up inside.
Three days. That’s how long he’d been here like this, unmoving.
“Your parents are here, Joe. They got here as soon as they could. My dad is here too.” I laughed a little at that. “Can you believe it? That’s what I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you that my dad…he apologized to me for everything. And I forgave him.” I continued to caress his hand with mine. “My mom, she wrote me a letter. She told me that she left because she was sick. She was dying and thought she was protecting us. She loved me after all. All this time and I never… I never knew. So much time wasted.” A tear landed on Joe’s hand when I brought it up to press my lips to his knuckles. “I have so much to tell you, so you have to wake up. You have to wake up, Joe.” I unfolded his fingers and pressed them against my face. I kissed his palm, closed my eyes, and pretended that he was comforting me, the way I knew he would if he was awake.
I imagined all the things he would say to me. I imagined the smile he would give me. I imagined how his eyes would sparkle when he looked at me. I imagined his hands moving over my body, his lips touching mine as he kissed me.
His kisses told me so much. Everything I ever needed to know I learned from his kisses. He loved me without words. He loved me with his body…with his heart…with his soul. He loved me through his jokes. He loved me through his songs. He loved me through his eyes. I could always feel his eyes on me. They made me feel warm and tingly. I would do anythi
ng if I could feel his eyes on me again.
“Open your eyes, Joe.” I cried into his hand, still pressed against my face. “Please.”
“Honey, let’s go down and get something to eat,” Joe’s mom said. She and his father had entered the room. My dad walked in behind them.
“I can’t. I can’t leave.”
“You need to eat something. You haven’t eaten anything since you’ve been here.”
“I can’t leave. What if he wakes up? He’ll be alone.”
“I’ll stay,” my dad answered. “Go. Get something to eat. If he wakes up I’ll call you.”
“He doesn’t know you. He won’t know–”
“I’ll stay too,” Joe’s dad responded. “Go, you need to eat and keep up your strength.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Joe would want you to eat something, honey. You know he would,.” Joe’s mom said. “Come on, sweetie.”
I kissed Joe’s hand once more and laid it gently to his side. “I’ll be right back, baby. I promise.”
I let Joe’s mom lead the way. When she noticed I was a step behind her, she stopped, put her arm around me, and we walked side by side, neither of us saying a word. Nothing needed to be said. We were both hurting. She leaned on me, I leaned on her, and together we made our way down the hall to the cafeteria where we each had a turkey sandwich and ate quietly together, both of us deeply lost in our own thoughts.
On the way back we stopped at the chapel and prayed together, holding each other’s hands.
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