Later that night I fell asleep in the chair beside Joe’s bed. His parents were staying in a room at the hospital’s hotel. It was for people who had family members here long term and they had gotten a room for me too, although, I refused to leave Joe’s side since he came out of the ICU. I promised to call them if he woke up. I had drifted off into a fitful sleep when I heard the nurse come in.
“Sorry, hon, didn’t mean to wake you. Do you need anything?” she asked me.
“No, I’m fine. Thanks.”
She checked over all the machines, charting information down as she went. When she was done, she said, “My name is Sarah, and I’ll be Joe’s nurse tonight. If you need anything, press the ‘call nurse’ button here,” she said, showing me where I could find it.
“Thank you.”
“Do you pray, honey?”
I nodded. “I do.”
“I pray for all of my patients, and I’ll be praying for Joe. I’ll pray for you too, hon.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Well, call me if you need anything. Anything at all.” She turned and walked out of the room, closing the door quietly behind her.
I decided that I would pray once more, in case God was too busy to hear my pleas the first couple hundred times.
“Dear God, please let Joe come back to me. Please heal him of his injuries. Please. I need him more than you do.”
I pulled the thin blanket over me and pulled my knees up in the chair, remembering again how your life can change in an instant. A lesson I was learning more and more every day.
I fell asleep, dreaming of Joe’s laugh. He had the best laugh of anyone I knew. I only hoped that I would get to hear it again.
Joe
Something woke me. My eyes opened, but I didn’t move my head, just stared up at the ceiling. I could hear sounds, beeping noises mainly, but they seemed to fit in with the environment so the noises didn’t seem out of place. I did, though. I felt out of place. I had no idea where I was. I surveyed my environment by the shift of my eyes only. I first looked to the left: sterile white walls, a TV in the corner, and a large door. Then I shifted my eyes to the right: I saw someone sitting next to my bed in a chair. I blinked. Then blinked again.
Maggie?
I tried to call out to her, but I couldn’t seem to form the words. Panic set in.
“Maggie!” I shouted in my head. I winced, my head hurt and my voice sounded huge inside my mind. In fact it felt like everything hurt. Blinking even hurt. I tried to raise my hand. I wanted to touch her…why was my arm so heavy?
“It’s all right, honey.”
This time my head moved to find out who the voice belonged to, and I immediately regretted it; too much too fast. I’m not sure how the woman managed to come into the room without me hearing her, because she wasn’t standing there a minute ago. Was she? Shit, I don’t know. But there she was, standing at the foot of my bed.
She glanced over at Maggie, who was asleep in the chair next to me. “She’s been here the whole time. She hasn’t left your side even for a minute.”
“What happened?” It’s what I wanted to say, but again, I couldn’t form the words.
“You were in a car accident. Do you remember anything?”
I rolled my head to stare at a picture on the wall. I remembered driving. I remembered someone on a bicycle. Skidding – I remembered skidding. My mouth was dry, like I had swallowed sand. Desperate to remember what happened next, I focused harder on the picture. I wasn’t really seeing it though. What I saw were flashes. First, frightened faces, smoke from tires. I could even smell the burnt rubber. I don’t remember anything else. Why can’t I remember?
“Hon, give it some time. You’ve had a head injury. You’ve been unconscious for nearly four days.”
I rolled my head back so I had a view of the lady. She was dressed in scrubs. My nurse, obviously. I swallowed thickly, and tried once more to talk. “I…” It was so faint; even I had a hard time hearing me.
“Don’t be discouraged. Everything will be as it should.”
My throat was so painfully raw. I swallowed again, and then nodded in understanding.
The nurse nodded in Maggie’s direction. “She loves you very much, I can tell.”
Once again I nodded, struggling to find a position that didn’t hurt.
“You’re going to be okay. Believe in that. Have faith.”
I couldn’t find a position that didn’t leave me achy, so I gave up trying. I checked out my surroundings one more time. Aside from the beeping sounds from the machines, everything seemed quiet. It must be late. I glanced at the windows and noticed only darkness lingering behind the blinds. When I turned my head back, the nurse was gone.
I closed my eyes because they were getting harder and harder to keep open. I felt myself drifting back off to sleep.
Joe
I heard a voice. It was soft and quiet. It sounded like my mom.
I tried to open my eyes… they were so heavy.
I heard another voice. My heart fluttered at the sound of it. It was Maggie. My Maggie. She sounded sad. Why was she sad?
Don’t be sad, baby.
I needed to see her. I needed to know why she was crying. I could hear it in her voice. I struggled to open my eyes. Dammit! Why couldn’t I open my eyes?
A melody. I heard singing. My mom and Maggie, they were singing together. I stopped the struggle and just listened to their voices…
If I needed you
Would you come to me
Would you come to me
For to ease my pain
It was beautiful, them singing together like this. I felt so sad listening to it. I feel them both touching my hand. They were singing to me. I wanted to touch them both, tell them not to cry. I wanted to be the one to ease their pain.
Don’t cry, Momma. Don’t cry, Maggie. I’m here.
Maggie
When Joe’s mom suggested we sing to Joe, I didn’t think I could.
“I don’t know, Mrs. Carlisle.” I walked over to the window and peered outside, looking at nothing and everything.
“Katherine, honey. You need to call me Katherine. Mrs. Carlisle is my mother-in law,” she said with a soft laugh.
“Okay, Katherine.” I turned my head to look at her and tried to give her a smile. It hurt to smile, and I wondered if I would ever smile again.
“When Joe was a little boy, I used to sing him to sleep. He loved EmmyLou Harris, so I would sing If I Needed You to him until he fell asleep.” She took a tissue out of the box, so I knew she was tearing up at the memory. “I think…I think he would like that, if we sang to him now.”
I turned away from the window and looked at Joe, lying there as if he were simply sleeping. I walked over and stood opposite his mom and her eyes seemed to be begging me to grant her this request.
“Okay. Let’s sing to him. I think he would like that too.”
As we sang Joe’s favorite childhood song, we held his hands, both of us trying hard to hold it together. I touched him and caressed him, hoping he could feel me. I wanted him to feel me so badly. When I looked back at Joe’s face, I saw it. A tear. It slid down from the corner of his eye, and made a wet trail to his ear.
He could hear us.
He could hear us.
For the first time in days, I had a reason to smile.
Maggie
“Any change?”
“No.” I wiped away a fresh tear. “Not since yesterday.”
Katherine placed her hand gently on my shoulder while I traced lines on Joe’s forearm with the tips of my fingers. If he could hear us, then I felt he could feel me touching him too, so I did, continuously. I brought his hand up to my lips, opened his palm, and kissed him softly.
“I love you, Joe. I love you so much it hurts. Wake up, baby. Please.”
“He will, you know. He’ll wake up.” Katherine nodded her head as she said it. I didn’t know if she was trying to convince me or herself. “I know he will.”
>
I nodded too, more in solidarity than agreement. I had my doubts about whether he would wake up, and I knew I needed to be more optimistic. I was struggling with optimism at the moment.
“I believe you, that he’ll wake up.”
Saying it aloud was me trying to trick my brain into believing it fully. I needed to believe that he would. I couldn’t sit here believing anything other than that. Joe needed my strength, he needed my faith in him to come back to me. Wherever he was right now, he was trying to get back to me. That, I did believe, with my whole heart.
I sat down beside him on the bed.
“I’m going to tell you a story, Joe, and I need you to listen.” I continued to hold Joe’s hand in mine. “Once upon time there was a girl named Tiana, and she dreamed of owning her own restaurant someday. She had promised her father before he died that she would never forget what was really important in life. Tiana thought that owning her own restaurant, a dream she and her father had shared, was the only thing that mattered. One night when she was out on the balcony she wished upon a star to make her dreams come true, and it was there, under the stars that she met Naveen, the prince who was turned into a frog. He had mistaken Tiana for a princess because she was dressed for a masquerade ball, and was wearing a costume. He told her that a kiss from her would change him from a frog back into a prince. When she kissed him, nothing happened, of course, since she wasn’t really a princess.”
I heard the door close behind me so I turned my head in that direction. Katherine had quietly slipped out while I was telling Joe the story. I turned back to Joe, squeezed his hand, and continued. “Anyway, I know you know how this story goes, but ever since you told me about it, I’ve thought about it a lot. Do you remember the part about the firefly named Ray and how he was in love with a beautiful firefly named Evangeline?” I brushed my hand across Joe’s arm, caressing and soothing him as I spoke. “I think one of my favorite parts of this story was when Ray got his wish in the end and got to be with his beloved Evangeline.”
I stood and walked over to the windows, crossing my arms around me. “I want our happy ending, Joe. I want the fairytale,” I whispered. I watched the rain falling outside, black clouds painted the sky. Thunder rumbled in the distance and every few minutes those dark clouds would be illuminated with a brilliant flash of light. Storms can be quite beautiful if you actually stand still long enough to watch them.
I took a moment to just breathe. My dad and Caleb had left a few hours ago, both needing to check in with their jobs and take care of ordinary things they had been neglecting the past few days. I was glad to have them with me. I was also relieved when they left. I know that sounds bad, but I was finding reasons to go to the bathroom just so I could be alone with my grief for a few minutes. I didn’t want to be in a constant state of tears around them, their eyes looking at me with such pure sadness. I had done enough of that in their company, and I hated seeing the looks on their faces every time a new wave of sorrow decided to knock me to my knees. I needed a break from that. So, when they left, I felt both sadness and relief. My emotions made no sense, not even to me.
I turned back around to watch Joe, paying careful attention to the sounds of his breaths, the peaceful look on his face, and I realized we were standing in the middle of a different kind of storm.
Then I noticed something else. His eyes fluttered and I heard a tiny moan from somewhere deep inside him. In a blink I was at his bedside. I stroked his hair and touched his face tenderly.
“Joe. Can you hear me?”
A nod.
A single nod from him, and I burst into a fit of sobs and laughter. “You can hear me, baby. I knew you could hear me!”
Joe opened his eyes. He blinked once…twice…three times, and then his blue eyes looked right at me.
Right…at…me.
Tears fell down my cheeks like the rain on the window pane.
He licked his dry and cracked lips.
“Are you thirsty?” I asked him.
Another nod.
I quickly stood and poured a cup of water, found a straw, and put it up to his lips. “Here, baby. Take a sip.” I tucked my hand behind his head and helped him raise his head enough so he could drink from the straw. When he was done, I lowered his head back down and placed the cup on the table beside the bed. “I’m going to get the nurse.”
His hand reached out and grabbed my arm. His eyes looked lost and confused.
“I’m not leaving, Joe. I’m just going to push this button and ask her to come in here. Okay?”
He nodded again.
“Can I help you?” the nurse asked through the intercom.
“Yes,” I said, my voice quivering. “Joe is awake. Could you get his doctor please?”
“Yes ma’am. I’ll call him now.”
I wiped my tears, and decided right then and there, no matter what, I would be strong for Joe. “I love you so much. Thank you.”
Joe pinched his eyebrows together, forming a V indent between his eyes. “Why?” he asked with a scratchy, raw voice. He winced, and brought up his right hand to rub at his throat.
“Shhh, don’t try to talk yet. I’m thanking you for coming back to me.” I touched his cheek softly.
He touched my hand. “Always,” he whispered.
We stared at each other for long minutes, communicating without words. I memorized every single feature, every nuance, every line on his face, and tucked it away safely in the recesses of my brain so I could retrieve it later when I needed a reminder of this moment, the moment he woke up, the moment my dark skies illuminated with a bright light of hope. The moment my Joe came back to me.
The heavy door opened and Joe’s parents stood in the doorway. They were still, both of them, as they realized their son was awake. Katherine’s knees buckled underneath her, but Joe’s father caught her before she hit the floor. Pulling her up, he cradled his wife as she cried into his chest. Jonah, Joe’s father, never took his eyes off his son. Tears streaked his usually stoic face when he took in the sight of his son. His lips quivered and he looked up to the ceiling as if giving praises to God above. When he lowered his head he locked eyes with his son once again.
“Thank God!” he cried out. “Thank you, Jesus!” His big shoulders shook with the force of his cries. He had been rather emotionless up until this point. I knew, though, that he was trying to be the strong one while we all maneuvered our way around the past few days, but seeing his son…awake… ultimately broke him.
I felt the bed shake beneath me and turned my head to face Joe. Quiet sobs erupted from his body. He covered his face with his hands, trying to control his weeping.
I laid my head across his chest and hugged him to me as tightly as I could. A moment later big hands wrapped around me, and the wracking sounds from Joe’s chest quieted.
A knock on the door and then a greeting. “I hear we have an alert patient,” Dr. Stewart said as he entered the room.
Everyone wiped their eyes and I sat up, giving the doctor a complete view of his patient.
“Yes, we do. About five minutes ago.” I squeezed Joe’s hand, and continued to hold onto it. When Joe squeezed my hand back, my heart fluttered inside my chest.
My Joe. He’s back.
Joe
I tried to recall if I had ever seen my dad cry, and when I realized that in my twenty-eight years I hadn’t, I broke inside. I never want to see my parents fall apart like that ever again.
“Mr. Carlisle,” the doctor said, making his way around my parents and then around Maggie. He held his hand out for me to shake. “I’m Dr. Stewart. I’m happy to finally meet you. Glad to see you’re awake.”
I shook his hand. “Nice to meet you.” My voice sounded raspy and sharp to my own ears. I cleared my throat and Maggie reached for the water again. She pushed a button and the bed began to rise. Once I was in a sitting position she released the button and held the straw up to my mouth. I took a drink and the cool liquid felt good on my dry, scratchy throat. I clear
ed my throat again. “Thank you.”
Maggie smiled warmly at me. I wanted to look into those bright green eyes of hers and forget the rest of the world existed, but the doctor cleared his own throat and began speaking again.
“So, how are you feeling right now? Any pain?”
“My head hurts like a motherfu– umm…my head hurts.” I looked over at my mom and grinned. She rolled her eyes at me.
“I’m sure it does. You had a pretty severe head injury. We had to put you in a medically induced coma to help relieve the swelling in your brain.” Dr. Stewart came around to stand on the other side of my bed. “I’m going to ask you a few questions to check your short term and long term memory. When is your birthday?”
“April sixth,” I answered.
“Good. What year is it?”
“Two thousand fourteen.”
“Good. What is the last thing you remember before the accident?”
I closed my eyes and gave myself a moment. I needed to piece it together. My memory was so hazy. “I remember nearly hitting a bicyclist. I… I don’t really remember what happened after that. I didn’t hit him did I? Please tell me I didn’t.” A surge of panic took over me and I sat straight up in the bed. I looked around at all the faces in the room, searching for an answer.
“No, no…you didn’t,” Dr. Stewart answered, patting my shoulder.
I slumped back into my pillow, relieved and feeling exhausted. “Thank God.”
“It’s normal to have gaps in your memory after an accident such as this. You may or may not ever recall things right before the accident. That’s nothing to be alarmed about. Now, other than your head do you have pain anywhere else?”
“No.” I tried to move my leg so Maggie would have more room to sit, but my leg wouldn’t …it didn’t move. I tried again. And again.
“Doc?” I looked up at him, my heart racing now. “I can’t… I can’t move my legs.” I shot a glance over to Maggie. Her smile quickly fell, replaced by a look of fear.
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