Love Me For Me

by Lauren Hawkeye

  Truth was, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d expected. Kaylee had pulled me through the crowd so quickly that I hadn’t had time to panic, and even down here in the basement/party room, no one was in my space.

  At least, not too much.

  “Here.” Kaylee handed me one of the plastic cups. I sniffed at it, wrinkling my nose.

  “What is it?” I took a tentative sip. It was sweet, flavoured with artificial fruit, and felt thick as maple syrup going down my throat.

  “It’s just punch, Serena. It’s not going to bite you.” Tilting her head back, Kaylee drained half of her cup, then waved at someone over my head.

  “I’m going to go say hi to Joel.” Joel was her on-again, off-again boyfriend, and they were still friends. “Okay? You’ll be okay?”

  I felt myself begin to tense up, but fought to control it. I’d done the hard part—I was here. I had a drink in my hand.

  I wasn’t going to latch on to Kaylee and ruin her good time.

  I smiled, a curve of the lips that was at least half genuine. “Go!” I didn’t recognize the song that was playing, but I did know that it was loud. “I’ll be right here.” And then she was off, shimmying across the dance floor in her little purple dress, drawing attention with her long fall of red hair, her equally long legs, and her mile wide smile.

  I stayed where I was, taking cautious sips from my cup, and wondered. Wondered what it would be like to be that carefree, that able to let go and have fun.

  From the corner of my eye I saw Kaylee waving at me frantically. I frowned, not sure what she was trying to communicate with her flailing arms, eye winks, and wide grin.

  Then I felt the heat behind me, and I suddenly knew.

  “Hey.” The voice was low, and I felt the warmth of it against my ear. I thought that I would tense, but I knew it was him before I turned, having played that voice over and over in my head for the last week.

  “American Lit Girl.” He smiled at me, that delicious wide smile on that chiselled face, and I felt something fluttery begin to move in the depths of my belly.

  “I have a name, you know.” I lifted my cup for another small sip, though I didn’t actually want it. “Not that you asked for it.”

  I flushed as soon as I’d spoken, wondering how on earth I’d gotten so bold. But he laughed, then pried the cup out of my fingers.

  “I didn’t ask, Serena, because I already know it.” He leaned in to say this, close to my ear so that he could be heard without shouting.

  A tremor ran through me.

  “Why do you know my name?” Why had he even noticed me? No one noticed me, not anymore.

  He arched his eyebrows at me. “I paid attention. Should I be hurt that you haven’t asked for mine?” I must have looked stricken, because he caught my hand in his and squeezed.

  “I’m Alex.” He didn’t let go of my fingers, and I was acutely aware of the heat pulsing from his into mine.

  “Um. Hi.” I wanted to smack myself. I was so socially inept. Kaylee had gotten all the charm in our dorm room.

  "You don't want to drink that. Trust me." He took the cup from my hand and set it on a nearby table. He had to lean in close for me to hear him, and when he did I smelled shaving foam, soap, and the faintest hint of cologne.

  "Maybe I wanted it." The flash of irritation I felt was burned away in a blast of heat when his eyes strayed to my breasts, outlined in the fitted tank top. He did it so quickly that I almost missed it... and rather than being offended I felt myself responding, licking my suddenly dry lips.

  The feeling I'd had when we'd studied at Daily Grind... I was right. He was attracted to me.

  There was no question that I felt the same way.

  "That's almost pure booze. You drink that entire cup and you won't even remember your own name." His stare was so intense that my mouth went dry. I ran my tongue over my lips to moisten it, and his eyes followed the gesture.

  "It doesn't taste like booze. It tastes like sugar." The artificial sweetness still coated my tongue.

  "It's vodka with an insane amount of juice crystals. It's mixed with the specific purpose of getting girls drunk." He raised an eyebrow at me. "You didn't think it was that strong, did you? This frat has it down to a science."

  "Oh." I should have been more concerned about the fact that I'd been sips away from losing control, but when he looked at me like that, I couldn't think.

  "Dance?" Startled by the request, I looked quickly over at Kaylee. She was giving me a very unsubtle thumbs up, and with only that to bolster my courage, I nodded before I could over think it.

  Lacing his fingers through mine, he led me through the crush of people dancing to a song that seemed to be an ode to the plastic cups that everyone was drinking from.

  He smiled at me when we found a space and he turned to face me. He kept his hold on my hand, but his other came to rest gently on the indentation of my waist. I had to swallow my gasp at the light press on my skin.

  I'd been touched plenty, but never like this.

  When he pressed those fingers into the dip of my waist a bit more firmly, I realized that I'd been standing still. I looked up at him wide eyed, feeling like a fish out of water.

  The intensity in those navy eyes of his was my undoing. Squeezing my eyes shut, I let him lead me in a gentle sway as the upbeat song faded into something slower, with lyrics about loving someone until they learned to love themselves.

  My pulse began to trip, pounding at the base of my throat, at my wrists.

  Though his hands stayed on me, he didn't move any closer, didn't try to grind his pelvis into my own like so many of the others were doing. The fact that he didn't was more seductive than if he had. I soon forgot about trying to imitate the way the others danced, and moved the way he led me to. I was painfully aware of the thin ribbon of space between us, of the fact that one deep breath would bring the tips of my breasts against the solid muscles of his chest.

  Not sure what to do with my free hand, I moved it into that sliver of room between us, splaying my fingers over his chest. He tensed beneath my fingers, and I looked up to find his eyes heavily lidded, his lips slightly parted.

  What was going on with me? Something about this boy made me feel things I’d never thought I’d want.

  The look told me that he wanted to kiss me. It told me that he wanted to do more. I felt the space between my legs dampened. For the first time in years, I wanted the same thing, wanted it for the right reasons.

  I worried my lower lip with my teeth, and his eyes followed the movement. Swallowing hard, I tilted my chin up and angled my head, leaving myself open for a kiss that I found I desperately wanted.

  It didn't come. Warily, I looked through my lashes. His expression matched how I felt, tight with inexplicable need. But though he released my fingers to splay his hand over my spine, and my free hand landed on his hard, wide shoulder, he didn't make a move to press his lips to mine.

  The hand on my back began to move, slowly, lazily, tracing the angel wings of my shoulder blades, the curve of my spine. Everywhere his fingers trailed, I blazed with heat. Something hot and needy was coiling deep in my belly, something I'd never felt before and that I didn't know what to do with.

  As the last notes of the song played, his pelvis grazed mine, and I shuddered when I felt his unmistakeable erection, the evidence that his body was feeling exactly the same way that I was.

  "Do you have your cell on you?" he asked. I was still waiting for his hands to move to the familiar places, to touch me in the way that boys did when they wanted that one, specific thing. Because I was waiting, it took a moment for me to comprehend his words. He chuckled as I scrambled in the tight pocket of my jeans for my phone and handed it to him, my head tipped questioningly.

  My breath caught in my throat when he handed it back to me and I saw that he'd programmed his name and number into it.

  "Thanks for the dance, Serena." His lips grazed my cheek, and then he gently tucked the stray strands of my hair behi
nd my ears. My legs actually trembled as he smiled at me, that heart stopping, panty dropping smile that could have had any girl in the room doing exactly that. "Next time we dance, we're going to be alone."

  And then he left, disappearing into the crowd, leaving me gaping after him. Wide eyed, I pressed my fingers to the place where his lips had brushed over my cheek, then turned to search the crowd for Kaylee. She was draped over Joel, her ex-boyfriend, but she mouthed holy fuck, fanning her face.

  Holy fuck, indeed.

  ***

  I studied the entry in my cell for almost an hour before I went to bed that night, giddiness warring with reservation. I was relieved when Kaylee texted to tell me that she wouldn't be home until morning, because I knew that she would want details that I wasn't ready to give.

  My sleep was fitful, haunted with images of red cups, seductive heat, and the suffocating scent of lavender. I woke with a headache, no doubt from the half cup of vodka syrup masquerading as punch that I'd drank before Alex had warned me off of it.

  I looked at my phone again as soon as I woke, to make sure that it was real. The entry was still there, the number displayed under the name Alex Blackthorn.

  He'd given me his number. That meant he wanted me to call.

  I was only twenty-one, but I felt far older than that. I definitely felt too old to play games.

  Before I could chicken out, I called.

  "Hello?" Just the sound of his voice made my skin feel tight. A jolt of adrenaline shot through me. I hadn't thought he would actually answer.

  I cleared my throat, but my voice still sounded rusty.

  "Um. This is... this is Serena. King. Serena King. From the... from American Lit." I almost said from the party, but somehow the night before didn't seem quite real, despite the fact that his information was in my phone. I certainly hadn't acted like myself and I wondered if he would still be interested now, in the light of day.

  "I'm glad you called." The words could have been smarmy, and would have been coming from anyone else. But here, with whatever this was between us, I heard the simple honesty behind them.

  "Yes. I..." My voice trailed off. I hadn't thought this through before calling. I didn't know what to say. Hey, that dance last night was pretty sexy? But then he might get the wrong idea.

  I remembered the feel of his hands on my back, and thought that maybe it was the right idea after all.

  "I want to see you tonight." His voice was husky.

  My eyebrows rose in surprise. Apparently he didn’t want to play games either.

  “That would be nice,” I said, and there it was again, that inexplicable connection between us, pulling tight even through the phone.

  He cleared his throat. “Well, I should probably have said this first. I want to see you tonight, but I have plans.”

  I was irritated. If he didn’t want to see me, he could just say so. He didn’t have to make up any elaborate excuses.

  I opened my mouth to tell him so, but he cut me off.

  “Are you allergic to any animals?” His question caught me completely off guard.

  “Uh... no. Not that I know of.”

  “Would you like to come with me, then?” He sounded hopeful, and I was sure that I’d missed a step.

  “Come with you where, exactly?” My tone sounded far more abrupt than I meant it to and I cringed. The last few years of my life had been spent trying to deter attention from the opposite sex, not attract it, and the habit was hard to break.

  He laughed, somewhat sheepishly. “Oh, sorry. Got ahead of myself. I work at an animal shelter not too far from campus. Tonight I’m scheduled for playtime.”

  “Playtime?” Why did that sound so deliciously naughty?

  “Animal playtime.” I was certain he knew where my mind had strayed. “There’s a fenced in dog run in the back of the shelter. Basically we take that night’s group out and play fetch for way longer than either of us want to.”

  On my end of the call, I shut my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temple. He was the first guy I’d been attracted to in years... and he liked puppies.

  I was a goner.

  “If you don’t want to go get slobbered on, that’s totally cool.” He sounded sincere, and I could detect none of the macho coolness that so many guys used when they were feeling rejected or defensive. “It’s not everyone’s cup of tea.”

  “I love dogs.” The words escaped my mouth before I could even think them through. “This sounds great. I mean, if you really want me to go with you.”

  “Oh, I want you.” The words were husky, and my fingers tightened on the cell. There was no mistaking the double entendre in his voice.

  “G-good.” To my surprise, the space between my legs throbbed, and my nipples tightened. This guy had me tied up in knots, and we hadn’t even kissed yet.

  “I’ll have to meet you there. I’m sorry, but I have a lab that runs late.” He gave me the directions, and I couldn’t help the zings of excitement.

  This was a date. Sort of.

  I hadn’t ever been on a date, not a real one.

  “I’ll see you at eight, then. Wear old clothes.” As we arranged the details, I could almost convince myself that we weren’t anything but friends, that I’d misread everything.

  That is, until he said goodbye.

  “I’ll see you tonight, Serena.” His voice was husky. “I’m looking forward to it. A lot.”

  Oh, and so was I.

  Chapter Three

  Connecticut No-Kill was a fairly new animal shelter three blocks from campus. I’d walked by it several times but had never gone in, even though I loved animals.

  If I went in, I’d fall in love with every four legged creature who batted big eyes at me. Dorms didn’t allow pets—not like Kaylee would allow one anywhere near her shoes—and as for back home...

  I cut that thought right off. Home wasn’t home anymore. I didn’t have any place that I could take an animal home to.

  I could see Alex through the door when I arrived. It was locked, as he’d told me it would be—it was past office hours. But the fluorescent lights were all on and he didn’t see me at first, so I took a moment to just look at him before I rang the buzzer.

  He stood beside a counter, feet planted hip width apart, but relaxed. In his hand was a clipboard that he seemed to be studying.

  Thinking himself alone, he seemed less... intense... than he had any other time I’d seen him. I didn’t think he tried to turn on that high voltage charm, but it was there nonetheless, whenever he was around people—it was something that seemed to seep out of his very skin. Even alone and still, however, he was the hottest guy I’d ever seen.

  He was dressed casually, in worn jeans and a hooded sweatshirt that bore the logo of the Vikings, our football team. His tattoos were covered by the long sleeves of his shirt, but just knowing they were there made my mouth water.

  Why me? I wanted to ask. What do you see in me that's so special? Because I'm not sure that I see it myself. If I had still been back in high school, I would have known what he wanted, and I would have given it to him, both to temporarily ease the emptiness inside of me, and to scream so that someone, anyone, would see me. Would see my pain.

  But if sex was all that he wanted from me, he would have made a move already. He would have propositioned me when we were at Daily Grind or he would have made his intentions known last night, at the party. Hell, last night I might have said yes, even if deep down I knew that I wasn't ready.

  He wouldn't have given me his number, and he wouldn't have asked to spend time with me. I knew this from experience.

  So, why were we here? The words were on the tip of my tongue to ask, but pure pride stopped me.

  Frustrated with myself, I stopped ogling him and pressed my hand to the buzzer. His head snapped up immediately, looking at the door like he’d been waiting.

  That made me ridiculously happy. I managed—I think—to tone the sappy grin down to a shy smile by time he’d loped across the floor an
d opened the locked door for me.

  “Hey.” He smiled and held the glass door open for me. I left the chilly outside air for a room that was warm, humid, and smelled distinctly of wet dog. I couldn’t help the wrinkling of my nose.

  “Yeah, it’s kind of smelly.” Alex laughed as he let the door swing shut behind me. He didn’t try to hide the fact that he looked me up and down, and I was extra glad that I’d borrowed another cardigan from Kaylee, though I was going to have to make sure that I washed the dogginess out before returning it.

  “No. It’s fine.” I said as he gestured towards a door that I assumed led out of the office area. It was hard to focus on the animal smell at all when Alex was walking ahead of me. His hoodie rode up a bit when he bent to unlock the door, and I was treated to a glimpse of smooth skin stretched tightly over taut back muscle.

  Holy mother.

  I licked my lips and tried to get my traitorous hormones under control as I followed him through the door and down a hallway, from which other short hallways branched off. Each short passage had several rooms, all varying shapes and sizes, with glass front doors.

  Even though the doors were all shut, the chorus of barks and yips was deafening.

  Alex turned and shouted something at me over his shoulder. I grimaced, even as I tried not to be distracted by his mouth as he spoke.

  “Sorry, what?” I yelled and pressed my hands to my ears, hoping it would muffle the din. He shook his head and grinned, then led me into the small room he’d stopped in front of.

  I heaved a sigh of relief as the door shut behind us. The sounds from outside the room were still discernible, but the door blocked a lot.

  “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that—” My words broke off into a startled yelp when two giant, furry creatures launched themselves at me. I staggered under the weight, received a doggy scented tongue bath on my hands, and finally lost my balance.

  “Fuck!” I flailed as the two big dogs knocked me right off my feet.

  “Macey! Cuda! Down!” Alex caught me before I could hit the ground, his arms wrapping around my waist and hauling me back out of range of the two dogs who did as they were told, planting their butts on the ground and wagging nervously.