by Emma Davies
Back then, despite having to approach it from the water’s edge, the entrance to the hollow was always quite clear, but today it’s barely discernible. Perhaps it’s the passage of time, or the fact that children don’t play out like they used to, but, even knowing how these bushes have formed, I’m still struggling to see where the girls are hiding. In fact, were it not for Tilly’s bright-pink tee shirt I don’t think I’d have spied them at all.
I’m not an especially large person but if this is going to work I need to have the element of surprise. So I take my time, judging how I’m going to do this. I even straighten at one point and turn in the other direction, calling loudly for Lauren. Behind me, Rachel and Chloe are watching with bemused faces, but I think Rach has twigged where the girls have gone. She motions for Chloe to stay quiet beside her.
I plant my feet a little further apart than usual, stabilising my balance and trying to lower my centre of gravity. Then, when I think I can manage it successfully, I drop to my haunches, lifting aside a large frond of greenery and roaring like a monster as I do so.
Screams rapidly dissolve into fits of giggles as the girls are found. The laughter is quickly followed by groans of dismay at having been discovered, but already Lauren is shuffling forward to come and meet me, tales of their hiding ready on her lips. Rachel and Chloe are beside me now.
‘Let me look, let me look,’ says Chloe, anxious not to be left out, and I lift up the branch again so that she can see inside.
‘Oh, that’s so clever,’ she announces.
I grin. ‘Isn’t it?’
Chloe offers a hand to pull Lauren out as I try to hold back the brambles for Tilly who is right behind her, struggling a little to avoid the prickles. ‘We could have stayed in there for ages,’ she says, scrambling forward.
I wait until Lauren drops down beside me, leaning back in to help Tilly.
‘Ouch,’ she exclaims. ‘Blooming thorn.’
The back of her shoulder is caught up and I make her wait a second while I try to unhook her clothing. ‘Careful,’ I warn. ‘Don’t pull or you’ll rip it.’ Eventually she’s free and the two of them stand in the water, puffing from the exertion of their adventure.
‘Phew,’ says Tilly. ‘I didn’t think we were ever going to get out of there.’ But she’s grinning just as broadly as Lauren is.
‘Isn’t that the best hiding place ever?’ says Lauren. ‘You can see out but no one can see in, it’s brilliant! And there was bags of room.’ She looks up at me, frowning. ‘But Mummy,’ she adds. ‘How did you know we were there? That’s not fair… We thought you’d never find us.’
‘Ah…’ I tap the side of my nose. ‘Magic!’
‘Oh, go on, tell us…’ says Tilly. ‘Please… Was it because I was giggling?’
‘Were you?’ I say, smiling at her. ‘Well, I didn’t hear you…’
The two girls are looking at one another, trying to work out how I knew, and I let them dance about a bit before laughing.
‘Oh, all right then,’ I say. ‘It’s not magic after all… although it kind of is. Would you believe I used to hide there when I was a little girl. All the children did.’
Lauren’s eyes are round. ‘Wow,’ she says. ‘That’s so cool…’
Rachel’s amazed. ‘That’s incredible. Fancy it being the same after all this time.’
‘It was pretty much just as it is now,’ I add. ‘Maybe not quite as big inside, but two of us still used to be able to crawl inside, I can remember that. We came down here by ourselves all the time and no one thought anything of it.’ I shudder. ‘I can’t imagine that happening now, thank goodness, but it’s still astonishing that it hasn’t been bulldozed away or something.’
Tilly is wriggling, shrugging her shoulder as if she has an itch she can’t scratch. ‘Are you all right?’ I ask.
‘Something’s still prickling me,’ she says. But she can’t reach it. She has no arm on the other side to investigate for her.
‘Hang on, let’s have a look.’ I lift up the sleeve of her tee shirt, peering at the fabric. I can see where she’s been scratched but it’s only a little one, nothing serious. I run my hand over the top of her shoulder and brush at the cotton before lowering it back down again. ‘How’s that? Any better?’
Tilly gives an exploratory wiggle and nods but then almost immediately shakes her head. ‘No, it’s still there.’
‘Okay, we’ll give your tee shirt a shake. Arms up.’
She’s facing me as I ease the material up her body and gently over her head in case whatever is caught there scratches at her face and, as I do so, Tilly turns slightly to one side.
I glance at Rachel, my breath catching in shock. I want to check she’s seen it too. Along the back edge of Tilly’s deformed arm is a row of spiteful-looking bruises. They’re fresh; still a vivid blue. And almost certainly made by two fingers pinching hard at the soft flesh. My movements stutter to a halt and I stare at the tee shirt in my hand as if I suddenly have no idea what to do with it.
‘Is it a thorn?’
It’s the innocence of Lauren’s question that makes my stomach flip. Because she knows about the bruises but they’re past history compared to this new hurt. She’s not concerned about them at all now. She was concerned at the time. In fact, she was beside herself, but she’s been taught that they don’t matter. We taught her that they don’t matter, and it’s this acceptance of the damage that has been done to Tilly that shocks me even more.
I look down at her inquisitive face as she tries to see what the problem is and her concern forces my hands to move, turning the tee shirt inside out to check for prickles.
‘There, Mummy, look.’ Lauren points to a tiny reddish-brown thorn, clinging to the fabric, and I pull it free, dropping it into the water away from me. I can’t tear my eyes away from Tilly’s arm, but neither do I want to look at what has been done to her. I swiftly turn her top the right way out and ease it back over her head.
‘I think that should do it,’ I say, as brightly as I can manage.
Tilly beams happily. She has no idea that there’s anything amiss and my heart goes out to her. How can we have let this happen? How can we have let our children think this doesn’t matter? By not following up on what happened with Leo we as good as told Lauren to forget about it too, and I never thought to check again if Tilly was okay. I should have, particularly given that I now know she was trying to play down things out of fear. Never mind not wanting to get on the wrong side of the head teacher, I should have made a huge issue out of this, not been happy to settle for her complacency.
There’s a boiling fury rising inside of me that, for the moment, must stay hidden and so, as Rachel lays a hand on my arm to show her support, I smile. Despite the fact that the languid pace of the afternoon feels gone, I remind myself that the girls have done nothing wrong and I’m determined that Tilly’s day, in particular, should not be soured.
A check on my watch shows that it’s getting on for half past three. I did say to Anna that we’d be a couple of hours but I know she’ll be fine if we’re back a little later. She would have said if she had anything planned. I kick my foot in the water, sending splashes over Lauren’s feet.
‘Right then,’ I say, grinning. ‘Seeing as you two girls were so naughty and started playing hide and seek without us, why don’t we have a proper game and all join in. What do you reckon, Chloe? Do you think you could find an even better place to hide than these two scallywags?’
She darts a look around her. ‘Oh yeah!’ she says, eyeing up the numerous trees and bushes.
I look at Rachel. ‘Right, rules,’ I add. ‘Everyone will get to the count of one hundred to hide but no one is allowed to go into the field on the other side of the river, or beyond this one, okay?’ I wait for the answering nods. ‘And if we can’t find you then either Rachel or I will shout “Time’s up” and wherever you are you have to come out. So, who’s going first? Chloe?’
She gives an enthusiastic nod of her head, al
ready seeking out potential hiding places.
‘The rest of us, gather round into a circle, heads together, eyes closed and no peeking! Are you ready, Chlo?’ I wait for everyone to settle themselves and begin counting. ‘One… two…’
* * *
It’s almost five by the time we traipse back up the lane, hot, thirsty and a bit tired, but we’ve had a great afternoon and I really don’t care about these minor irritations. The girls have smiles on their faces and that’s all that matters. I didn’t say anything to Rachel but she joined in our games with as much gusto as I did and I know she picked up on my intention, when she stops just shy of the house, hanging back a little.
‘Tilly looks so much more cheerful than she did earlier,’ she comments. ‘Do you think she’s all right?’
‘I hope so,’ I reply. ‘I’ll have a word with Anna when I take her home, but she’s a brave little thing, I’m sure she’ll be fine.’
Rachel nods and waves at my two. ‘Come on then, Lauren, Chloe, let’s go and get a drink.’ She waits while the girls hug goodbye and then scoops them off, leaving me to walk the rest of the way with Tilly. Anna’s in the front garden watering some pots still full of geraniums when we arrive. She looks up at my greeting.
‘I was just about to send out the search party…’ she says, straightening. The comment sounds light-hearted enough.
‘Oh I know, sorry! We were just having too much fun, weren’t we, Tilly?’
Tilly beams and I expect to see the same expression on Anna’s face but although she smiles, it stops halfway. I check my watch, widening my eyes as I do so.
‘Oh, crikey, Anna, sorry. I really didn’t realise it was this late.’ It’s a little white lie but it’s unusual for Anna to be out of sorts.
She opens her mouth to say something but then closes it again, and there’s a tiny pause before she does speak.
‘No, it’s okay. I’m glad they’ve all had fun.’ And then she does smile, properly. ‘I hope Tilly wasn’t any trouble?’
‘Of course not. She never is,’ I reply, wondering how I can broach the subject of Tilly’s bruises. I need Anna to know that I’m on her side. I’m so angry with myself for not following it up when Lauren got into trouble. ‘They all played so well together.’
There’s a sharp bark as Fergus comes running around the corner from the garden, no doubt investigating the voices, and soon begins his usual ecstatic quiver on seeing Tilly. Anna pushes at his head as he tries to lick the drops on the watering can.
‘Ugh, Fergus, no… that’s dirty. Tilly, can you take him inside and get him some more water, sweetheart? And get yourself a drink too!’ she calls after her. ‘Silly dog won’t go and lie in the shade. Honestly, sometimes I think he needs more looking after than Tilly does.’
I smile. ‘Maybe that’s just because Tilly’s so sensible.’ I pause for a moment, but maybe it’s best just to say what’s on my mind instead of beating around the bush. ‘Listen, Anna,’ I begin. ‘I just wanted to say sorry for the other day, for not coming to check on Tilly after school when I should have done. You must have thought it was really off.’ I realise belatedly that this might be why Anna has seemed a bit distant. ‘It’s just that Lauren was so upset and well… anyway, that’s no excuse.’
Anna looks confused.
‘Somehow it all ended up being about what Lauren had done, instead of Leo. Tilly’s name hardly came into the conversation at all, which is what makes me really angry about this whole thing, given what happened to her. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know and—’
‘I’m sorry, Thea, I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about…’
‘Oh.’ She must have. Surely? I bite my lip, the conversation becoming increasingly awkward. ‘The other day at school, when Lauren hit Leo and we got dragged up to see Mrs Faulkner…’
‘Oh that, don’t worry about it, Thea, honestly.’
I frown. ‘Yes, but I did ask at the time if Tilly was okay, only the head was so busy trying to sweep the actual bullying under the carpet and make an example out of Lauren that she seemed scarcely bothered about Tilly at all. And then Lauren was so upset afterwards that I didn’t think to come and check on Tilly, and now I’ve seen the bruises on her arm… Well, anyway, I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry.’ I try a brighter face. ‘And not that you need anyone to help you fight your battles but, if you do, I’m your woman.’
There’s an odd expression on Anna’s face, a tightening. ‘What bruises?’ she asks.
And I realise my mistake.
‘Sorry, that sounds really nosey, I should have explained… The girls were playing hide and seek and Tilly got her tee shirt caught on some brambles. Something was prickling her and when I slipped off her tee shirt to see what was causing it, I saw the bruises. Not that Tilly made a fuss or anything, I mean she’s not like that, is she? But they looked pretty nasty.’
Anna nods. ‘I see, well, thank you, that was very kind. But Tilly’s fine. No harm done.’ She looks back in the direction of our house. ‘Is Lauren all right?’
‘Yes, she’s okay… concerned about Tilly, but…’
And I’m wondering why Anna is deliberately trying to make light of this. No harm done…? I’ve seen it with my own eyes. The beats of silence stretch out between us. Anna is looking at her feet. I’m looking at Anna looking at her feet and I don’t understand why there’s this change in her.
She gives a sudden sigh, an impatient venting of exasperation that so clearly says I couldn’t possibly know anything about any of this, and I feel immediately ashamed. Because I don’t. I’ve never had to experience what Anna has. I’ve never had to fight for my child day in, day out, just for a chance for them to be considered ‘normal’. Coping with the likelihood of daily taunts must be bad enough, but then having to justify yourself to all and sundry who think they know better must be a nightmare. And here I am, joining their ranks. I reach out an arm.
‘Anna, I’m so sorry. You must be fed up with people like me, sticking their oar in, doing the whole righteous indignation act as if you weren’t capable of doing it yourself. I really don’t mean—’
She looks up. ‘That’s okay, Thea.’ She smiles, but it’s tinged with sadness and… resignation. ‘I know you didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just that I’ve learned not to make a big thing about issues like this. It only seems to make the matter worse, and Tilly understands that she’s… different from other children, and that not everyone can be as loving and compassionate as she is.’
I’m not sure what to say. I understand her point of view, but surely—
‘And I’m not excusing it,’ continues Anna. ‘But sometimes drawing attention to behaviour of this kind just reinforces how different Tilly is. I’ve had people accuse me of getting things out of proportion, making mountains out of molehills, you name it, they’ve said it. Like we’re looking for special dispensation, or sympathy even.’
‘But that’s ridiculous!’ Except that even as I say it, I know that Anna isn’t making it up. I know what people are capable of. ‘We’re talking about bullying,’ I reply. ‘If something is wrong, something’s wrong, irrespective of the situation.’
‘It should be… But sadly I’ve found that isn’t always the case. You’ll have to take my word for it,’ she adds, growing defensive.
I hold her look. I don’t want to disagree with her, but there’s a voice in my head telling me that underneath all this is a child, and surely that’s more important than anything else.
‘Thea,’ she says pointedly. ‘I’m also the curate’s wife.’
Her eyebrows are raised, challenging me to argue, but I understand. I understand completely.
‘So, what? Love and understanding at any cost, is that it?’
Anna looks away. And the seconds tick by.
‘You see?’ she says suddenly. ‘See how it is? Even you… You came here out of concern, wanting to help, and yet we’ve ended up arguing. That’s what always happens. So is it any wonder that I pr
efer not to talk about it? Just you wait until you’re on the receiving end of all the village gossip, then you’ll know what I mean.’
Her eyes widen, partly at the shock of what she’s just said, but something else too. And this time it’s my turn to raise my eyebrows.
‘I just mean that there’s always something. It’s a village, Thea, people gossip.’
But that isn’t what she means and we both know it.
I inhale a deep breath. I didn’t come here to argue though, Anna has got that much right, and I don’t want to lose her as a friend either. She and Rob have been good to us since we moved in. I like them both, but more than that I should be offering my support in whichever way Anna needs it, not in the way I think she does.
‘You’re right,’ I say, trying to soften my voice as much as I can. ‘And I don’t want to be “people”, Anna, who think they know best and don’t listen, intent on peddling their fixed point of view. So, if I’ve offended you, I’m sorry… And I’m not sitting in judgement either. I do want to help, if I can, and if you need it. Otherwise I’ll just keep my big mouth shut.’ I grin at her and hope it’s enough.
The hard look on her face dissolves in an instant.
‘No, I’m sorry, Thea. I get so… so frustrated by it all… But I shouldn’t take it out on you.’ She opens her arms and we hug. ‘And thank you for taking Tilly out this afternoon, really. I know she’ll have had a great time.’
I nod. ‘Okay… but please Anna, promise if it all gets too much, you’ll come and talk to me about it?’
