Burden of Survival

by Richard Murray

  “Except Michelle and the children you sent out to die,” I said before I could stop myself. Instead of anger though he seemed amused.

  “I told you we’d been watching you for days,” he said. “You have a good place here, plenty of fish in the lake but you need other things too. You haven’t seen what’s coming so you don’t know how bad it will get here soon.”

  “What’s coming?”

  “In good time,” he said as he waved away my question. “The thing is though, it’s laudable that you wish to save the children but for the next few years they will be more of a burden than a help. If you insist on trying to save everyone then you’ll damn your community to a slow death.”

  “We were doing okay.”

  “Oh I’m sure you were dear lady but doing okay is the same as barely surviving. In time children will be a welcomed necessity to ensure the group grows, but until then it is pointless having them here using up limited supplies.”

  “I intend to make something here,” he continued. “The old world is gone and a new one has begun. Do you know how the original kings came to be?”

  His sudden question caught me off guard and I shook my head.

  “They were the ones who seized control and kept hold of it. They were the ones who bent the people to their will.”

  “And you intend to be the next king?” I asked and couldn’t stop the burst of laughter.

  “Oh I will be,” he said. His expression was cold and stern and I felt a shiver of fear as I looked into his eyes. Madness lurked there but more than that, there was a steely determination that scared me.

  “This island will be the beginning,” he said. “Once the zombies die out, we will grow and take more territory. We will establish a new nation and it will all start here.”

  “You’re insane,” I said and he shrugged.

  “Perhaps, but the world we knew has died and thus all such notions have died with it.”

  He seemed totally earnest which had me reaching for the hammer that no longer hung from a loop on my belt. The only weapons allowed in the place were in the hands of his people.

  “Do you really believe we’ll all follow along as your obedient subjects?” I asked. “You’ve caused the deaths of a fifth of our group and sent another fifth to their deaths on the mainland. What the hell makes you think we’ll follow along with your delusion?”

  “You’ll do so because I have the guns,” he said as he raised his handgun as though to show me it existed. “Like the original kings of old, I have the weapons and the will to use them. Do I need to demonstrate again?”

  “No,” I said with hands raised before me in a warding gesture. “Don’t hurt any more people.”

  “Ask me nicely.”

  “What?”

  He pointed the gun directly at me, close enough that I could see into the dark barrel and have no way of avoiding it.

  “Ask me nicely not to kill anyone,” he said. His mouth had twisted into a wide smile and the madness was dancing behind his eyes.

  “Please,” I said as I swallowed my distaste. “Please don’t hurt anyone here.”

  “Not good enough,” he said. “Get down on your knees.”

  I looked around the corridor we were in but there was no one to help me. I was at his mercy and the feeling of helplessness was not one I’d had for quite some time. I did as I was told and dropped to my knees.

  “Don’t hurt my friends, please,” I said as I looked down at the ground so that he wouldn’t see the hate I felt for him.

  “Of course I won’t hurt anyone,” he said cheerfully as he lowered his gun. “Since you asked so nicely.”

  “Thank you,” I mumbled as I climbed back to my feet. He was insane, totally and utterly insane and I had no way of stopping him from doing as he pleased.

  “Now then,” he said as he continued along the corridor. “I want a full accounting of the food stock and assorted supplies.”

  “I can get that for you,” I said.

  “That’s fine, your storeroom is down here yes?”

  “It is…” I said as he reached the door to the room. I had no idea how he knew where it was and no matter how long he’d spent watching us, he couldn’t have seen inside the house. Someone must have told him.

  He pushed the door open and walked inside. The room had originally been an office of some sort and when Ryan had been briefly held captive by the deserters, it had been there. We’d had to clear out all the blood before we felt comfortable storing food there though.

  Will was counting items distractedly as he moved them from one cardboard box to another. All around him were the stacked tins of food, bottles and boxes that contained everything we had. His children had been among those sent away.

  “What’s your name?” Marcus asked.

  “Will,” he replied as he looked from Marcus to me and back again. The winter months on the island had been good to him and he’d regained some of the weight he’d lost while hiding from the undead.

  “You have a list of everything in here?”

  Marcus took the clipboard as Will offered it and leafed through the pages. His expression darkened as he read and I knew that things were about to go badly.

  “This is everything?” Marcus asked, his voice dangerously low.

  “That’s it,” Will said as he nodded emphatically.

  “Good job we thinned the herd a bit then,” he said. “Because the supplies you have will barely last a few weeks.”

  “We have fish caught daily which helps,” I said as I caught Will’s eye and shook my head. He swallowed the angry retort he’d been about to make.

  “Oh well that makes it all better then.”

  I could tell from his tone that his anger was rising and I pressed my lips firmly together. No need to say anything that would just make things worse. Not if I wanted to survive anyway.

  “You’ll speak to whoever is in charge of making your meals,” Marcus said to me. “Half portions for everyone but my men until further notice.”

  “Okay,” I said. That would be hard on my people, they hadn’t been having large meals anyway and half of that meant they’d go hungry.

  “I’ll also want you to pick four of your people to go with Alan and Charlie to the town across the lake,” Marcus said. “They can see what they can scavenge.”

  “When do you want them to go?”

  “Morning,” he said as he scratched at his beard thoughtfully. “Set out at first light when the walking corpses can’t see so well.”

  “Can’t see so well?”

  “Their eyesight is generally bad but in poor light its worse. You haven’t noticed?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “Well I’ve had a long time out among them and you pick a few things up,” he said.

  “I’ll gather some people,” I said.

  “Make sure your name isn’t on the list,” Marcus said with a sly smile crossing his face. “No need for you to leave here just yet.”

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. The thought of being in his presence for long periods was repulsive but if not me, then it would be someone else and who could I ask to take my place? He was unpredictable as seen by his behaviour in the corridor. I couldn’t put someone else through that.

  “Sir…” Will said and I shook my head at him. His hesitant tone told me he was about to say something that he shouldn’t.

  “Well, out with it.” Marcus said as the other man hesitated.

  “My children,” he paused and looked away a moment as he swallowed past the lump in his throat. Marcus smiled benignly at him which seemed to give him courage. “Could I bring them back?”

  His words came out in a rush and I waited for the explosion of rage that didn’t come. Instead Marcus looked thoughtful as though considering the request.

  “I’m afraid not,” he said. “There are reasons for that and I am truly sorry for your loss but they are gone and you will have to co
me to terms with that.”

  “But…”

  His arm whipped out lightning fast and caught Will on the side of the head with the butt of the handgun. His smile stayed in place as he looked down at the fallen man who had one hand pressed to his head as blood seeped through his fingers.

  “Do not question my decisions, ever,” Marcus said before he pointed the gun directly at Will’s head.

  “Please, don’t,” I said and he turned to look at me with those dead eyes of his.

  “Order must be maintained,” he said. “I can’t have people questioning me.”

  “He’s useful,” I said desperately. “Will’s the only one who you can trust with the stores and morale will fall further if you kill another.”

  “That isn’t an issue,” Marcus said. “I’ll just kill the rest and find some new people.”

  “Please,” I repeated.

  “I tell you what,” he said. “As a personal favour to you, I won’t kill him.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “You’re going to have to make it worth my while though,” he said with that smile still in place as his hand moved to his pants zipper. “Get on your knees.”

  I looked from him to Will in horror as I realised what he intended. My body was trembling as I mouthed ‘no.’

  “Simple choice my dear,” he said. “His life is in your hands, do you really care if he lives or dies?”

  Loathing filled me as I looked at the man who had already killed so many of my people. Will was shaking his head as he looked everywhere but at me. I swore then that I’d kill Marcus and his people no matter the cost to myself. I made my choice and sank to my knees as I stared at him defiantly.

  “Just as I expected,” Marcus said. “You’re just a whore like all the rest.”

  He kicked out and knocked me backwards against the wall before he crouched down beside me. His hand gripped my throat tightly as he tapped on my cheek with the barrel of the gun.

  “Not yet my darling,” he said with a leer, his rancid breath hot on my skin. “I can still see the hate in your eyes. I’m going to enjoy breaking you first. When I’m done you’ll beg for it”

  His mad laughter filled the room as he pushed me away and yanked open the door before storming out. Will lay on the floor with silent tears running down his cheeks while I found the only thing I could feel was rage.

  Chapter 21

  Ryan

  Gabby was looking over Jenny’s wound as I finished explaining what had happened. The villagers were a distance ahead of us. With the children and elderly people in their group, it wasn’t worth them standing around waiting since we’d catch the up fairly quickly. Much to my dismay they were slower than I’d expected.

  “That’s messed up,” Gregg said as he looked back down the trail from where we’d come.

  “They’ve never shown that level of intelligence before,” Pat agreed. He looked upset? Or maybe irritated. “You said they weren’t rotting like the others we’ve seen?”

  “Aye, old bite marks on their skin that hadn’t healed but weren’t bleeding or anything.”

  “We’d only been gone ten minutes or so,” Pat said.

  “Did you lock the doors to the hotel?”

  “No, they’d been broken when the village folk arrived,” Gregg said.

  “But the fact that they went inside and then closed the door behind them… do you think that was intentional or were they looking around the hotel and the door just swung shut?”

  I shrugged, it didn’t really matter. They’d attacked us through two separate windows. The other zombies, the slow ones would have just climbed over each other to get to us. They’d displayed a level of feral cunning that raised some interesting questions. I looked forward to getting back to the house and examining the one eyed zombie I’d left there.

  “She’s unconscious,” Gabby said as she joined us. We all looked back to see Jenny lying against the raised grass at the side of the trail. Dark marks ran up the side of her face as the infection did its work.

  “You think she’ll turn?” Pat asked.

  “Your guess is as good as mine,” she replied. “Best thing we can do is secure her and hope she doesn’t turn.”

  “Bind her hands and gag her,” I said. “She can be carried then without the risk of her turning and biting whoever’s carrying her.”

  “That would be me,” Pat said. “I’m best suited to do it.”

  “Fine by me,” I agreed with a smile. You carry her, I’ll kill her.

  “At least try to look upset,” Gabby snapped and I looked at her in surprise.

  “Why?”

  “She was obviously in to you,” she said with anger heating her voice. “You might not have returned the feelings but you could at least pretend to give a damn.”

  “What difference would that make to anything?”

  “Enough,” Pat interrupted with a warning glance to me. “He won’t understand Gabby so just leave it.”

  She shook her head and gave me a look of disgust before moving back to Jenny. She pulled some strips of cloth from her pocket that she’d no doubt intended to use as bandages if required and began using them to bind the unconscious girl.

  Pat followed her and with a grunt picked Jenny up and slung her over one shoulder. It wouldn’t be comfortable for either of them but it was likely better than sitting around on the mountainside waiting for her to turn.

  I let the others walk ahead of me. It seemed prudent to leave some distance between Gabby and myself. It also let me walk behind Pat and his burden. If she turned, I would be the first to see and respond.

  We walked along that trail for several tiresome hours as the sun made its way down toward the horizon. The scenery was pretty unchanging as we moved higher. Heather and pale yellow grass that moved with the wind. Loose rocks and dirt with larger outcrops of dark basalt sticking out of the earth. Dull.

  At some point we must have reached as high as we could go without actual climbing gear because I noticed that the trail began to head downwards. The villagers were doing better than I’d expected if a little slow.

  The older folk were seasoned walkers and I guessed that they’d walked these trails before while the children had energy to burn. I’d forgotten that while our rations were light, the villagers hadn’t had to move across the country with just what they could carry to arrive here.

  No, the world had ended but they’d still had their homes and beds. Food in their cupboards and since half their village had died out, they’d had their food stocks too. Local farms and fishing on the lake had helped as well as their refusal to take in any newcomers.

  I did my best to ignore the villagers as best I could. They weren’t being overly loud but I could still hear the occasional sob and constant low chatter about the people they’d left behind in the village. It seemed such a pointless waste of time and energy when you needed so much focus on the present.

  “You okay?” Gregg asked quietly as he dropped back to walk beside me.

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked.

  “Well, your… you know. Your need to kill,” he said in a whisper. “It going to be a problem?”

  With some surprise I realised that I’d not been thinking of that since the fight with the zombies. When I looked inside of myself it was there, dark and foreboding but curiously quiet.

  “I’m good,” I said. “Those feral zombies helped I think.”

  “Feral?”

  “That’s how they acted,” I told him with a smile. “Like a feral animal. A little bit of intelligence, lot of cunning and a vicious streak.”

  “Sounds about right,” he said with a laugh. “Ferals, I like that.”

  “Seemed appropriate,” I agreed.

  “You’re good though?”

  “For a little while, sure.”

  He nodded and lapsed into a silence that I found quite comfortable as we trudged along at the rear of the group. If I examined
that need of mine, I could tell that it was definitely only a temporary thing.

  Sure, killing those Ferals had given me some pleasure but it was more that I was anticipating killing Jenny when she turned that was distracting me. The closer the zombies were to the humans they had been, the more I enjoyed killing them, the more it helped fill that emptiness inside of me.

  “I know what you’re going through,” he said abruptly and I looked at him, curious about what he meant. When he failed to add anything I sighed and asked.

  “You do?”

  “Sure,” he said. “I’m gay, I know all about hiding who you are.”

  He looked at me and laughed at my expression. He could clearly see that I didn’t understand what he meant.

  “Look,” he said. “I didn’t tell anyone I was gay for years. I’d go about my life, date girls and pretend to be something I wasn’t.”

  “All the time though they’d be something inside of me that wasn’t right. I had a need of my own and every now and again it would get too much. I’d go out, hit the clubs and find some guy to spend the night with.”

  He shook his head at the memories and smiled wryly as he thought back to those years.

  “In the morning I’d wake up and hate myself,” he said. “I’d tell myself I wouldn’t do it again but I would. The need would grow inside of me and the cycle would be repeated. Until I came out of the closet and accepted who I was.”

  “The difference,” I said. “Is that when you ‘came out of the closet’ you could live your life as you wanted to. That need no longer mattered because you could openly be with men, you weren’t denying yourself.”

  “I on the other hand, well even though my secret is out. I still can’t indulge.”

  “Which is a problem,” he agreed. “Because despite what the religious groups and my dad said, my being gay wasn’t hurting anyone. Your need is all about death.”

  “It certainly is.”

  He fell silent as he thought about what I’d said. Our needs were similar in that they would grow until fulfilled but the world had so few people left in it that I could never possibly continue to find the right type of people to kill. At some point, I’d need to kill and the only ones around would be zombies and the innocent.