The Game of Love

by Heather Graham

  She did sleep. When she awoke, she learned from a distraught Mattie that Jeff and Ryan had already left; Ryan had been sobbing so hard that Jeff had carried him out.

  Jeff had left no message for her.

  * * *

  Jade decided not to send Sean to school that day. When she told him what had happened, he fell silent. Jade held him for a while, but then left him alone. His father’s death was not a distant enough memory for Sean to have forgotten any of the pain.

  Jade wandered around the house like a zombie. Eventually, Sean came down to talk to her.

  “Mom—” he took her hands in his “—Mom, we should be there.”

  Tears that she couldn’t control came to her eyes. “Sean, he…Jeff…doesn’t want us there.”

  Sean sat with her a long, long time.

  The weekend came and passed, and the two of them wandered around miserably, getting under Mattie’s feet. Mattie urged them to go out and do something, but neither of them had the heart for it.

  It wasn’t until Tuesday afternoon that Jade went out—Sean decided that he wanted to go to baseball practice. It was there that Jade told Toby and Lynn the story of the night that Diana had died.

  “You need to go to Chicago—now,” Toby told her firmly when she had finished.

  “Toby! He told me point-blank that he didn’t want me!”

  “After he had just identified the body of his son’s mother. Maybe he did need a little time alone. But it’s unhealthy for this to continue now, Jade. I know that he loves you. And if you love him and that little boy of his, you’ll go up there. You’ll just be there for him, waiting. Do it, Jade.”

  She listened to Toby, and she listened to her own heart.

  Then she decided that she must go to Chicago. For Jeff, for Ryan, for herself and Sean, she had to go.

  She didn’t intend to take Sean—he’d seen enough of death for a child his age—but when they reached home and she explained that she was going to Chicago and that he would be staying with Toby for a few days, he vehemently opposed her.

  “I’m going, too. I lost my father; I can help Ryan learn to live with the fact that he’s lost his mother.”

  He looked so mature and wise as he stood there that Jade couldn’t do anything but nod.

  The following afternoon Sean still looked wise beyond his years as they stood before the door of Jeff’s elegant Chicago town house. Jade stared at the door a long time. It was Sean who finally rang the bell.

  It was answered by a tall woman, as stately and elegant as the house. She had silver hair and pleasant features that proudly displayed the creases of time.

  “Yes?” she said, but before Jade could speak, she gasped slightly and pulled them in out of the snow.

  “You’re Jade! And you, young man, must be Sean.”

  “Uh, yes—”

  The woman smiled a little sadly. “I’m your mother-in-law. My son was rude enough to remarry without informing me or his father, but he did at least tell us about you after the fact. Apparently he neglected to mention us.”

  Jade smiled uneasily, but the older woman seemed to have things in control.

  “Get your coats off, both of you. Floridians.” She sniffed. “Haven’t the sense to get out of wet coats. My name is Frieda, by the way. Freddy, I’m afraid, to most people. I can’t seem to shake that nickname, no matter how old I get.”

  “You’re not old,” Sean said with a bit of awe.

  “Bless you, child,” Frieda said, taking their coats, shaking them, and hanging them on hooks by the door. “Sean, you might benefit from a warm bath. Take your bag and go right up those stairs. Jade, you come with me, and we’ll put some tea on.”

  Sean glanced at his mother, then obeyed Frieda. Jade followed the older woman as she led the way into a warm, comfortable kitchen.

  “Jeffrey went out,” she told Jade over her shoulder. She hesitated and then said, “He’s at the cemetery. Diana was buried Monday. Ryan is in his room. Still crying his poor little eyes out, I’m afraid.” Unhappily, she shook her head. “Jeff asked me to stay here for Ryan’s sake, but I can’t reach him right now—none of us can. I’m so glad you’re here.” She put a kettle on the stove and turned around to stare at Jade. With her son’s blunt candor, she asked, “What took you so long?”

  Jade, unable to control herself any longer, burst into tears.

  In the half hour that followed, Jade came to know and love her mother-in-law very well. She found herself telling Frieda the whole story and admitting that she was afraid Jeff would never forgive her for being jealous at such a time.

  Frieda, with her arm around Jade, paused a minute, then sighed. “Nonsense, dear. I’m sure that Jeff came alone because…because he might have thought that this was something he had to do by himself. He’s feeling guilty, of course. But that will pass. No one could have changed Diana. She liked life in the fast lane. Jeff will realize that, if he hasn’t already.”

  “Ryan—” Jade gulped.

  Frieda folded her hands in her lap. “Go talk to him.”

  “Me? You don’t understand! He resents me—”

  “You’re exactly what he needs. Jade Martin, you’re a big girl. You go up there and try. My grandson needs you.”

  She couldn’t do it…she just couldn’t do it. But with Frieda’s prodding, she was on her feet and moving up the carpeted stairs.

  And then, with a nod from Frieda, she was knocking on Ryan’s door. No one answered. Frieda came to her, pushed the door open and then disappeared.

  Jade swallowed back her own tears and moved into the room. It was dark; Ryan was sitting on his bed, staring out at the snow.

  “I don’t want anything to eat, Gram,” he said dully.

  “Ryan.” Jade swallowed once again after she said his name. “It’s me, Jade.”

  He swung around and stared at her, his huge blue eyes red and swollen from crying. His shoulders shook. He jumped to his feet, new tears streaming down his cheeks.

  “You? I hate you, I hate you!” he cried. Then he ran at her, striking out wildly. “Go away, I hate you, I hate you…”

  She caught his flailing arms; he had cried out all his strength. For a moment she wanted to flee, to do just as he told her.

  She didn’t. She closed her arms tightly around him, holding him to her. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m so very, very sorry.”

  He fell against her, no longer fighting her. She lifted him and carried him back to his bed, holding him as he continued to cry.

  “You hated her; you wanted her to die!” he accused.

  “No, Ryan, I didn’t hate her. I’d never want anyone to die.”

  “But she’s dead! Dead! Gone…”

  “Shh, shh, shh.” Jade started to mumble things, soothing things, anything she could think of.

  “She wasn’t bad! She wasn’t bad!” Ryan moaned.

  “Oh, no! She wasn’t bad!” Jade told him, holding herself away from him so she could search his eyes. “Oh, honey, she wasn’t bad at all. She was very beautiful, so beautiful. She had energy and vitality—”

  “And she’s in heaven, isn’t she? Jade, isn’t she?”

  Jade was thoroughly convinced that if there was a God, He was truly all-seeing, and all-forgiving.

  “Yes, Ryan. She’s in heaven. She was beautiful and free, maybe too beautiful for this earth. She is in heaven now.”

  She stayed there for a long time rocking him. Once he pulled away from her.

  “You’re not her,” he told her vehemently. “You’re not my mother, and you never will be!”

  “No, Ryan, I’m not. And I’ll never try to be. But I am here, if you ever need me. If I can do anything.”

  He didn’t answer her. Sometime later she realized that he had gotten very heavy. He had fallen asleep.

  She laid him down gently and went downstairs.

  She didn’t have to say anything to Frieda. The older woman seemed to understand with a glance. She was busy at the moment with the little details of
life, fixing Sean cocoa and a sandwich.

  “I’ll call you a taxi,” Frieda said. “You can go and find Jeff.”

  “I…I won’t know where I’m going,” Jade said.

  “I’ve got directions all written down for the cab driver,” Frieda said, and then she was speaking into the phone, asking for a cab to come.

  “Mom,” Sean spoke up, “I’ll go with you.”

  “No, you won’t, young man,” Frieda said cheerfully. “You’ll stay right here. Ryan might come down, and I might need you.”

  It was just the right thing to say. He nodded. Jade still felt heartsick and numb. But under Frieda’s competent direction, she found herself back in her coat, then sliding into the back seat of a taxi, handing directions to the taxi driver.

  The cemetery seemed all too short a distance away. Before she knew it, before she was ready for it, she was there.

  There was snow on the ground and on the gravestones. It seemed a truly bleak and lonely place.

  “This is it, lady,” the cabbie said.

  She knew it was. She could see Jeff, a lone figure in a sheepskin coat, standing in the snow, staring downward. The white flakes fell against his dark hair; he held his hat in his fingers.

  Jade got out of the cab. She heard it drive away. The snow was cold against her cheeks; she felt frozen, unable to move.

  But at last she forced herself to do so. Plodding through the snow, she approached the man she loved.

  CHAPTER 13

  Jade walked slowly toward him, then paused, just steps away. It seemed so forlorn there. It was too soon for the tombstone to have been put in, and the soft flakes of snow had covered the ground, making the gravesite barely discernible. Jeff was so still, so very still. She was suddenly afraid to touch him, so she cleared her throat as she closed the distance between them.

  He glanced up, as if from a deep reverie. Surprise flickered in his eyes as he saw her, but then it was gone, and he was just staring at her while the snow swirled between them. Jade felt as if her heart had ceased to beat, as if she had ceased to breathe.

  And then he reached out a hand to her. He didn’t speak, but a smile touched his lips. She accepted his hand gladly. He pulled her to him, and she rested her head against his coat, so very grateful for the warmth she found there.

  “Jeff—” she tried to begin, but her voice was a rasp, like the winter’s wind. “Jeff, I’m sorry. I had to come. I…”

  He nodded, squeezing her hand. There was a bench not far behind them, a stone bench, as cold as the marble angels and trumpeters and tombs that filled the old cemetery. He led her there, and they sat.

  “Oh, Jeff—” she began again miserably, but he interrupted her.

  “I still can’t believe it, you know. Diana was always so vital. But so damned wild. I suppose this was always coming. Still, I was just so shocked.”

  He was staring out at the white drifts of snow. Jade wasn’t sure that he remembered she was there. She didn’t know if he was talking to her, or just musing out loud.

  “It’s the strangest thing when something like this happens. We certainly weren’t friends anymore. But there were so many years. I don’t suppose that you can live with someone for that long and not feel the loss.” He paused. “And then, of course, there’s Ryan.”

  “Jeff—”

  “I don’t really understand it. I feel as though I’ve buried a part of my life, my youth perhaps.”

  Jade gripped his hands to draw his attention to her. “Jeff, I love you. I want to be with you. I want to help. I know that you didn’t want me here, but please—”

  He blinked, as if confused. “Jade, my love, I do want you here.” He stroked her cheek with his gloved hand, as if really seeing her for the first time. “I’m sorry for the things I said the night Diana died. I felt so cold there for a while…doubly hurt, shocked—I don’t really know what came over me. But I love you. I wouldn’t have wished this upon you, but I’m glad you’re here now. Very glad.”

  She was so relieved at his words that she started crying, and her words tumbled out. “Oh, God, Jeff…I was so frightened, so afraid that you wouldn’t want me again…ever. You didn’t call, you didn’t—”

  A slow smile curved his lips. “Jade.” He said her name very softly, then reached out for her, drawing her into his arms.

  “I swear you Southerners are all alike. You don’t have enough sense to stay out of the snow,” he said softly, his face pressed tenderly to her forehead. “Jade, I didn’t call because you’ve already gone through something like this.” He shrugged. “Maybe I was afraid, too. After the way I behaved toward you, I was afraid that you might not want to speak to me. I thought that I might be best to wait until I got home before I tried to explain.”

  “Oh, Jeff! Then you would have come back to me.”

  “Jade! Of course I would have come back. Did you think that I wouldn’t? I only went because had to. I had to bury her. I owed her that much.”

  Jade sagged against him. “I was just so afraid,” she said huskily. “I’ve always been afraid that you loved her. Really loved her beneath all the pain and anger.”

  He frowned. “How could you believe that?”

  “She was so beautiful.”

  “Yes, she was beautiful, and maybe that’s part of why this hurts so much. I didn’t love her, Jade. That died long ago. But I was always a little sorry for her. She had so much to give; it seems a tragedy that she couldn’t straighten out her life. There was good in Diana—there is in all people, I believe. She loved Ryan, even though she wasn’t averse to hurting him to get her way. I don’t know.” He shuddered. “They told me that she died instantly, that she didn’t feel a thing.”

  “Oh, Jeff. Can you believe me? I’m so very sorry. For everything.”

  “There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.”

  “But—”

  “You’re shivering. Thin blood,” he teased lightly. Then he was on his feet. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

  He helped her stand.

  “How did you get here?” he asked. “How did you find me?”

  “I went to the house. Your mother gave me directions.” Jade hesitated. “She’s lovely, Jeff. You never told me anything about her.”

  He smiled, pausing in the snow to stare down at her and stroke her cheek again. “There’s a lot we haven’t had time to discover about each other yet.”

  He started walking again. “Is Sean here?”

  “Yes, he’s at the house.”

  “Have you seen Ryan?”

  “Yes.” She gazed up at his handsome profile, dark against the whiteness of the snow all around them.

  “I think,” she said slowly, “I think that Ryan and I will be all right together. With a little time. Healing…healing takes time.”

  “Yes, it does.” He pointed ahead. “That’s my car.”

  “The Jeep?”

  “Yes.”

  “It would be. You like big cars.”

  She felt him shiver and knew it wasn’t from the cold.

  “We’re getting rid of that Corvette of yours. It’s a Fiberglas menace.”

  She didn’t dispute with him. His words meant that they had a life together, a future.

  They reached the Jeep and there he paused, pulling her tightly against him.

  “You know,” he said, “the terrible part of it all is that so much of what I feel is gratitude. I’m so very grateful to be alive. She is gone…her life snuffed out so easily. And it makes me feel that so many things are special: watching the sky, the sun, the snow, just seeing a snowflake. I have so much to be grateful for. I have you. We have our life together. Jade, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts at times. The important thing is that we have years and years together ahead of us. No matter what, through anger, laughter and even tears, we’ll have each other.”

  She slipped her arms around his neck. She felt his breath, warm against her cold cheek. She felt the thunder of his heart against her chest, a
nd here, in this place of frigid death, she felt joy as well as sorrow. He did love her as deeply as she loved him. There would have to be a time to mourn; that was a part of life.

  But somewhere, there was sunshine, too. And they would find it together.

  “Get in,” he said huskily. “You’re not used to this cold.”

  They drove back to his town house. Frieda was at the door, looking a little anxious.

  “Where are the boys?” Jeff asked his mother.

  She smiled, giving them a little sigh of relief.

  “Out back, together.”

  Jeff raised his brows, pulled off his gloves and took Jade’s hand. They walked to the kitchen. Jeff opened the rear door, but he paused without going out. Jade stood behind him, bracing her hands on his shoulders and staring out at their sons.

  The two were building a snowman. Oblivious to their audience, they were talking.

  “No, no! You’re packing it all wrong, Sean!”

  “Well, don’t yell at me!” Sean grumbled back. “I’ve never done this before!”

  Ryan sighed with great patience, like an old man educating a schoolboy.

  “You can learn. Quit trying so hard! Have a little patience, and it will come to you.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, sure,” Sean said.

  They worked in silence for a while, then Sean suddenly said, “Oh, Ryan, come on…you’re crying again!”

  “I…I can’t help it!”

  Jade tensed, longing to run out to the little boy, longing to hold him, to try anything to ease his hurt. She started to move; Jeff stopped her.

  Sean was already there, sitting down in the snow to hold his stepbrother himself.

  “When…when does it stop hurting so badly?” Ryan sobbed.

  Sean was silent for a minute, then he said. “It never stops hurting, Ryan. But it gets a little easier to live with every day. And then somewhere along the line, you start to remember all the good things about someone, and you can even smile when you think about them. It takes a while, though. And I guess that you do have to cry a lot.”