Exes and O's

by Joy Argento

  It had for sure. A wound that Madison thought had long since healed over. A wound that was twenty years old. How could it possibly be affecting her this much now?

  “Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? Go for a run. Clear your head.”

  Madison glanced at her watch. “I can’t. We’re shorthanded. Remember?”

  “Oh yeah. I’m sorry I can’t help.”

  “That’s okay. I’ll manage.” She would just have to push this crap from her head and get herself back into business mode. She needed to get back out on the floor before Valerie got overwhelmed.

  “Tell you what, Patty should be home from work by four. I’ll come in then and relieve you.”

  “I got this. I’m not going to let an asshole ghost from my past ruin my day.” But she already felt like it was ruined. Damn her. Ali Daniels. What the hell could she have been thinking sending something like that to her?

  Chapter Three

  Ali was surprised that every single ex had answered her—everyone except Madison. The common theme she was seeing—okay, Charley pointed it out—was that no one felt like Ali had been fully committed to the relationship or to them. It wasn’t that she ever cheated. She just never had both feet in. She couldn’t argue with that assessment. It had been almost two weeks since Charley had rushed out to the mail drop and deposited the letter to Madison. Ali didn’t expect an answer from her. Of course, Ali had never expected Madison to do what she had done so many years ago, either. Ali chalked it up to one more slap in the face. Maybe she should thank Madison for the pain she had caused. That pain translated so easily into Ali’s writing. Even now, Ali could draw on that pain to add authentic emotions to the characters in her books. It was easier for her to write pain than it was to write joy. She wrote nearly every day. It didn’t matter if times were good or if they were bad. It didn’t matter if she felt happy—maybe content was more accurate—or if her heart was breaking. Her writing was like a letter. Sometimes it was a love letter she wrote to no one. Sometimes it was a scream put down on paper so it wouldn’t come bubbling out of her mouth or explode from her chest. She found the best words could be rung out of human suffering. After all, what didn’t kill us, made us stronger. Of course, there was always the chance that it would kill us. But the hurt hadn’t killed Ali so far. If it did anything it made her numb. She had put a shield around her emotions—a thick piece of bulletproof glass that no one had really been able to penetrate. She pondered what her life might have been like if she had never met Madison, or at least if she had never let her into her heart, never trusted her to keep it safe. She wondered if suffering was a necessary part of the human condition. What would people who never suffered be like? They would be happy, Ali reasoned. It was impossible to be truly happy inside the protective box she had built around herself. Sometimes she thought she could see the possibility of happiness, but when she reached for it, the most she could do was skim it with her fingertips.

  The knock on her office door brought Ali out of her thoughts, startling her. Charley opened the door and stuck his head in.

  “Working?” he asked.

  “Remind me to keep my apartment locked,” Ali said, only half kidding.

  Charley let himself into the room. He hiked up the back of the flowered skirt he was wearing and plopped down on the easy chair in the corner. “You did,” he said, holding up a set of keys. “I let myself in. Don’t give me keys if you don’t want me to use them, sweetie. Whatcha doing?”

  Ali saved the three paragraphs she had managed to write on her laptop before thoughts of Madison had hijacked her brain. “My next book. It’s been slow going.”

  “Still no word from Madison Parker?” Charley asked.

  “Get out of my head.”

  “But I like it in there. It’s so warm and cozy and has the best echo when I yell my name.”

  Ali shut her computer and turned her office chair to face Charley. “We don’t need her input. We got enough info from the other responses.”

  Charley leaned forward. “And what did we learn?”

  They’d gone over this already. Ali didn’t feel like rehashing it. She shook her head.

  “Ali, my dear, I’m just trying to help.”

  “I know and I love you for it. It just tires me out.”

  Charley pressed on. “Let’s try to figure out why you never really felt connected to any of the women you dated.” He paused. “With the obvious exception of Madison Parker.” Ali hated the way he always referred to her by her first and last name. It made her seem somehow more formal. More important. But she had been important. That was the kicker. Extremely important.

  “I really don’t have an answer for that.”

  Charley put his hands out, indicating he wanted Ali to put her hands in his. She knew the routine and scooted her chair forward and placed her hands in his much larger ones. Charley looked into her eyes. “I think you need to go see Madison Parker.”

  Ali pulled her hands back with so much force her chair moved. “What? No way. Why would you even say that? No.” She kicked off with her feet, sending her and her chair back to her desk.

  “Me thinks you protest too much.”

  “Me thinks you are out of your mind. Why would I want to do that?”

  “Because whatever happened between the two of you has somehow stymied your ability to have a meaningful relationship.”

  “I’m not disagreeing with you. She hurt me bad. But why do I need to see her to figure it out?”

  “Because you obviously haven’t been able to do it on your own.”

  Ali still wasn’t convinced. The thought of seeing Madison again was both terrifying—and even though she hated to admit it—exhilarating. “No way,” she said with more force than she meant to.

  “Oh, baby, what? Talk to me. Why does it make you so angry? Or is it fear?” Charley’s voice softened.

  Ali let out an exasperated huff. “Damned if I know.”

  “You seem to have so many emotions tied up in this woman that you don’t have any left over for anyone else. If nothing else, baby, you need closure, even if she refuses to give you any answers.”

  Charley’s words were like a hammer slamming into the fragile wall that she had built around her emotions, and the truth of them struck her like a fist. Without her realizing it she had given Madison control over her. It was damn well time to get it back. If Madison didn’t have answers for her, at least she would be able to give Madison a piece of her mind. Let her know just how much she had hurt her.

  “I hope I don’t live to regret this, but I’m going to admit that you may be right. I think I need to take a trip to my old hometown and talk to Madison face-to-face.” Even as she was saying the words, Ali was afraid she might be making the biggest mistake of her life.

  Chapter Four

  The trip to Maryland left Ali with plenty of time to think. Too much time. She almost turned around and went home no less than five times. Charley volunteered to go along on the trip, of course, but Ali decided she needed to do this alone. Besides, Charley was only a phone call away if Ali needed him. The five-and-a-half-hour trip felt more like five and a half days. She hadn’t been back to Clyde since her parents moved to Florida shortly after Ali left for college. It was a weird feeling heading back there. It certainly wasn’t home anymore, although it apparently still held a piece of her heart, or rather Madison did, and Ali was determined to get it back.

  Ali thought back to the last time she saw Madison. It sent a surge of acid into her stomach that worked its way up her throat. She did her best to swallow it back down without much luck. She remembered it like it was yesterday.

  She’d just gotten home from her summer job. Her mother handed her a note Madison had left for her.

  It sounded innocent enough. I have something important to tell you. Can you come over when you get home? This news needs to be told face to
face.

  Ali jumped on her bike and rode the two blocks to Madison’s house. She went around to the back of the house, silently slipped through the gate, and stopped dead in her tracks. There was Madison. Madison, the woman she loved. Madison, the person she thought she’d spend the rest of her life with—kissing Howard Dallas. Kissing. Howard. Dallas.

  No wonder Madison had refused to come out to her parents. Had refused to tell her father no when he insisted that Madison go to the prom with Howard, the son of his best friend. Madison hadn’t been in love with her at all. She was in love with Howard Dallas. It had been so obvious in that moment. So life shattering. So soul crushing. No wonder Ali had such a hard time finding a real relationship. Madison had sucked her heart out and shredded it. Shredded it with Howard Dallas. She had slipped out as silently as she had slipped in. She didn’t need to hear what Madison wanted to tell her. She had just witnessed it. Hearing it would only make it more real. More devastating. So many of Ali’s decisions in life were based on that moment, now frozen in time. She deleted her email address, eliminating the possibility of Madison contacting her through Instant Messenger, and went to Syracuse University for the summer semester instead of waiting till the fall. She not only needed to get away from Madison, she needed to get away from the very town she lived in. It was a great relief when her parents moved to Florida, eliminating any need for Ali to ever return to Clyde.

  Ali jumped when her phone rang. She pressed the button on her steering wheel answering the call through her car. “Hi, Charley.”

  “Hi, baby doll. How are you doing?”

  “Fine. If fine means I feel like throwing up.”

  “You got this, darling. I have total faith in you.”

  “That makes one of us.”

  They chatted for almost an hour. It helped quite a bit to calm Ali’s nerves. What did you say to someone you hadn’t seen since high school? It wasn’t like she could walk into O’s—whatever that was—and say hey, girl, what’s up? She and Charley had discussed it, and of course Charley had suggestions, but Ali still didn’t really have a plan. They were still talking when Ali got off the exit to her old hometown. It felt familiar, yet strangely alien. She followed her GPS directions to O’s and was surprised when she parked across the street and realized it was the donut shop Madison’s father used to own. Ali wondered if it had changed hands or simply changed names. She had spent many weekends in that shop hanging out with Madison, sometimes lending a hand when things got busy.

  She parked across the street from the shop, between a pickup truck with a gun rack in the back window and a small car with the bumper held on with duct tape. Typical small-town life, Ali thought sarcastically. Thank God, I don’t live here anymore.

  “Charley, tell me I can do this,” she said.

  “You can do this. Take several deep breaths, get out of the car, and walk in like you own the place. Be nice but be firm.”

  “Maybe I should go to the hotel first and come back here in the morning.” Ali leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She opened them in time to see someone running past on the opposite side of the quiet street. It took her several seconds to realize it was Madison. Ali slid down in her seat but watched Madison in the rearview mirror. Shit.

  * * *

  The warm May air felt good in Madison’s lungs as her feet pounded the pavement. She turned right, leaving the paved street, and continued to the trail that would take her around Miller’s Pond, her favorite place to run. Bits of gravel crunched under her feet and birds chirped above her as they danced about in the trees. She increased her pace, letting her movement become her meditation. She knew at this pace it would take her about twenty minutes to make it all the way around the pond. She waved as she passed a couple of elderly gentlemen fishing. They waved back with a smile. This was why she loved this small town. Everyone was so friendly, whether they knew you or not. She could never understand why anyone would want to live in a city where no one knew their neighbors. This place had heart. It had a big piece of her heart.

  Madison slowed her stride as she came to the end of the trail at the same spot she had entered it. Back on the street, she jogged in place for a bit to let her muscles cool down slowly before entering the back door of the donut shop. A quick check-in with Valerie and her new employee, Lea, told her all was going well. Lea was working out great. She hoped Ellie would as well. She grabbed a bottle of cold water from the fridge and her car keys from her office and headed to her car in the back parking lot. She ignored the twinge in her back as she slid into the seat. It had given her trouble from time to time, and even gone out once, putting her out of commission for a few days, but she refused to give in to it now.

  After a hot shower to help relax her back and a fresh change of clothes at home, Madison walked the block and a half to her sister’s house for dinner. The smell of pot roast greeted her as she let herself in. She walked through the living room that was impeccably decorated and spotless except for a few random toddler toys piled haphazardly in the corner, remnants of Jenny babysitting her grandson, Grayson.

  “Hey there,” Jenny said as Madison entered the kitchen, which was almost as spotless even though Jenny was in the midst of making supper. “You’re just in time to mash the potatoes for me.”

  “I thought that was Jimmy’s job.” Jenny had the kind of marriage Madison had always hoped to find but couldn’t seem to even get close to.

  “He has to work late. He said not to wait for him.”

  Madison found the masher in the drawer, added a little butter and milk to the pan with the potatoes, and set to work.

  “How ya doing?” Jenny asked.

  “Fine.”

  Jenny stopped tossing the salad and turned her full attention to her. “How are you really doing? You’ve seemed a little off since you got that letter from Ali.”

  Madison scooped a bit of mashed potatoes from the pan with her finger and stuck it in her mouth. It gave her a moment to think and formulate her answer. “I guess it did throw me. I never expected to hear from her again after all these years. And it was really shitty the way she did it.”

  Jenny sat at the table and patted the seat next to her. “Sit. Let’s talk.”

  Madison sat, silently waiting for Jenny to start. She wasn’t about to volunteer any information; she wanted to forget the whole letter thing and even more so Ali. If Jenny wanted to know anything she would have to ask.

  “Want to tell me what happened with Ali that seems to still have you in knots twenty years later?”

  “Just because she pissed me off with that letter doesn’t mean I’m in knots over her. I got over her a long time ago.” She wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Jenny or herself. How could someone who was a part of her life so long ago have any hold on her now? Granted she was the most important person in her life back then, but they were kids. It obviously didn’t mean as much to Ali as it had meant to her, so why give her any power now?

  “Okay. Whatever you say. But tell me what happened back then. If memory serves, I would have been returning from my junior year in college when you two broke up.”

  Madison let out a huff. “There was no breakup. She just left. No good-bye. No note. No nothing.” She realized she said the last part a little more harshly than she intended.

  “But why?”

  “Why what? Why did she leave without a word?”

  Jenny nodded.

  “I don’t know. We had had a bit of an argument over me going to the prom with Howard. But I thought we were okay.”

  “Why did you go to the prom with him if you were with Ali?”

  “Believe me it wasn’t my idea. Dad wanted me to go with him. He didn’t know about my relationship with Ali, and at that point I didn’t feel like I could tell him. Or anyone for that matter.”

  “So, you went to the prom with Howard and then Ali disappeared?”

 
Madison took a deep breath. She hadn’t thought about this for years but had replayed it in her mind at least a dozen times since Ali’s letter had arrived. “Not exactly. I went to the prom with Howard, like Dad wanted. Ali went stag and I spent most of the time talking to her. She wanted to come out and asked me to do the same. I didn’t think I was ready. I thought she understood. We ended the night on a good note. I thought about what she wanted, and I did tell Mom and Dad that I’m gay the day after the prom.”

  “I remember that. I remember you called me at college and told me. It was probably a few days later. But you didn’t tell me you were with Ali.”

  “That’s because when I told you, Ali was already gone. And I hadn’t told Mom and Dad about being with Ali because I thought she should have the chance to tell her parents first.”

  “What changed between the prom and her suddenly leaving?”

  “That’s what I don’t know. After I told Mom and Dad, I went to Ali’s house to tell her I’d come out to them. She wasn’t home, so I left a note with her mom asking her to come over. I wanted to tell her in person. She never showed and I never heard from her again.”

  “And you tried to reach her?”

  Madison had tried every way she could think of to get in touch with her. She tried for months. “Yes. Of course. I called. I emailed. I went to her house. Her mother always said she wasn’t home. I’m not sure if she was lying or if Ali had already left town. I had no choice but to give up. Believe me, it wasn’t easy,” Madison said.

  “No wonder you were so upset when her letter showed up out of nowhere.”

  “I really don’t know why she left my life without a word. And I don’t know why she would send me a letter like that out of nowhere. Why in the world would she ever expect me to help her after what she did?” She shook her head. She was tired of this conversation. They could talk it to death and still not have answers. She got up, opened a couple of cabinets and found a large bowl.