by Tina Beckett
‘I...erm...yes. Of course,’ Sean replied, his heart sinking as he realised that he couldn’t in all conscience take the cottage now he knew that there was a very real risk of him bumping into Molly.
‘Mrs Bradshaw,’ he began, knowing that he had no choice in the circumstances other than to tell the old lady that he had changed his mind. Maybe he did love the cottage but it wasn’t worth taking it if it meant upsetting Molly.
‘It’s such a weight off my mind!’ the old lady declared, cutting him off mid-flow. She patted his hand. ‘Now I shall be able to go off and enjoy my holiday without having to worry. I just know that you will take very good care of everything here, dear.’
‘Of course,’ Sean murmured because he really couldn’t find it in his heart to disappoint her after hearing that.
Maybe there was no need to do so either, he thought as he picked up his cup and drank his tea. He would just have to be extra careful to stay out of Molly’s way. After all, with him there, taking care of the cottage, there would be no need for Molly to pop in, would there? By the time he left, he had more or less convinced himself that there was nothing to worry about. After all, he needed somewhere to live and the cottage was perfect for his needs. The downside of living the way he did was that he had never had a real home and all of a sudden he found himself longing for a place of his own.
It was such an unprecedented thought that it threw him completely. Leaving his car parked in the lane, he made his way to the river. It was bitterly cold down there but he didn’t notice the chill. Having a home of his own had been all tied up with the plans he and Claire had made for their future together. He had never considered the idea since she had died but there was no point denying how tempting it was and the realisation made him feel overwhelmed with guilt, as though he was betraying Claire by even considering it.
Closing his eyes, he tried to conjure up Claire’s image but it just wouldn’t come. Her face was hazy, her features too indistinct to see her clearly. Slowly but surely, Claire was slipping away from him and it was painful to know that he was incapable of keeping her safe in his heart where she deserved to be. He had planned to spend his life with her, so what kind of a man must he be if he had allowed her memory to fade?
Unbidden, another image began to form in his mind’s eye and Sean felt his breath catch when he recognised the familiar features: those deep green eyes; the long black lashes; that tumble of red-gold curls...
He opened his eyes and stared across the river in despair. He might not be able to recall Claire’s face but he had no difficulty at all conjuring up Molly’s.
* * *
Molly had been planning to go into town to do some much-needed food shopping. However, on a sudden whim, she decided to take the less direct route along by the river. It was a beautiful day, even if it was bitterly cold, and the fresh air would do her good after three days of working nights. She walked to the top of the path and came to a sudden halt when she spotted Sean standing on the riverbank. He was staring across the river and there was an expression of such intense pain on his face that her heart seemed to scrunch up inside her. Even though she knew it wasn’t any of her business what was troubling him, she simply couldn’t walk on by and leave him like this.
‘Hello, Sean,’ she said softly as she made her way towards him. He glanced round and she could see the effort it cost him to pull himself together.
‘Hello, Molly. What are you doing here? Out for a walk?’
‘Hmm. I needed to get some shopping so I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone and get some fresh air at the same time.’ She pushed her hands deep into her pockets, afraid that she would do something really stupid like touching him. Maybe he was hurting but there was no reason to think that he would welcome her concern.
‘So what brings you here?’ she asked brightly, not wanting to dwell on that thought. ‘Are you out for a walk as well?’
‘No, actually, I was viewing a house that I’m hoping to rent.’ He turned and pointed back up the path. ‘It’s just up there, Lilac Cottage—the last cottage in the row.’
‘You don’t mean Mrs Bradshaw’s cottage!’ she exclaimed and he grimaced.
‘Yes. I had a feeling that you wouldn’t be too pleased if you found out I was living so close to you. Not to worry. I shall tell the letting agents that I’ve changed my mind.’ He turned to walk back up the path but Molly shook her head.
‘There’s no reason why you should do that. I really don’t care where you live, Sean. Plus I know for a fact that Mrs Bradshaw has been very worried about finding someone suitable to rent the cottage while she’s away.’ She gave a careless little shrug, determined not to let him know how disturbing she found the idea of him living so close to her. It wasn’t only in work that she would have to take steps to avoid him, it seemed. ‘If you think the cottage is right for you then you should take it.’
‘Are you sure?’ he asked and her skin prickled when she heard the doubt in his voice. It was obvious that he didn’t think she could cope with them living in such close proximity and she needed to squash that idea right away.
‘Of course I’m sure! It’s you who’s making such a big deal of it, not me.’ Molly deliberately shifted the conversation along a different path, not wanting to have to keep on reassuring him when, in truth, she felt so ambivalent about the idea. ‘Why are you so eager to move in the first place? I wouldn’t have thought it was worth it when you’re only going to be in Dalverston for such a short time.’
‘You’re right, and normally I wouldn’t dream of swapping and changing. However, it was a last-minute decision to accept this job and the only accommodation I could find was a room in a B&B close to the bypass.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s all right but I’m starting to get cabin fever from staring at the same four walls all the time. At least I’ll have a bit more space in the cottage.’
‘It must be odd to keep moving around all the time,’ Molly observed thoughtfully. ‘Have you never wanted a place of your own?’
‘No. Well, not until recently, anyway.’ His voice was low but laced with so much anguish that it immediately made her set aside any qualms she had. Reaching out, she touched his hand.
‘Why, what’s happened to make you change your mind recently?’
‘I’m not sure. Maybe it’s being here—who knows?’ He turned his hand over and captured hers. ‘I don’t want to feel this way, believe me, but I can’t seem to stop. And it makes me feel so damned guilty!’
‘Guilty? I don’t understand. Why should you feel guilty about wanting a home of your own?’ It was impossible to keep the surprise out of her voice and she heard him sigh.
‘It doesn’t matter. Take no notice of me. It’s probably a case of the midwinter blues.’ He gave her a tight smile as he let go of her hand and started to walk back up the path, but if he thought he could fob her off like that he could think again.
‘Of course it matters!’ Molly declared fiercely. She stepped directly in his path so that he was forced to stop. ‘It’s obvious that something’s troubling you, Sean, so what is it? Surely it can’t be whether or not to buy yourself a house. I mean, that would be crazy!’
‘Maybe it seems crazy to you, but the situation is far more complicated than it appears.’
He gently eased her aside but there was such pain on his face that Molly knew she couldn’t let him leave. Catching hold of his arm, she held him fast. Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with her but Sean was hurting and she wanted to help him any way she could.
‘Then tell me about it.’ She stared into his eyes, willing him to trust her, wondering if he would. ‘I know things haven’t been exactly easy between us, Sean, but I want to help you. Really I do.’
* * *
Sean leant forward in the chair, warming his hands in the heat coming from the fire. He felt cold to the core, as though his very flesh and
bones had turned to ice. The rational part of his brain knew that he’d been mad to let Molly persuade him to come home with her but the other part didn’t care. He couldn’t bear it if he had to spend the rest of his days eaten up by guilt for the part he had played in Claire’s death. For ten long years he had kept it to himself; even his family didn’t know the full story. But maybe it was time that he brought it all out into the open and faced the criticism that would undoubtedly follow. It had to be better than living like this—knowing he was to blame and constantly trying to avoid thinking about it.
‘Here we go. Hot chocolate to warm us up. I don’t know about you but I’m absolutely frozen!’
Molly came back with a tray bearing two steaming mugs of chocolate. Sean nodded his thanks as she placed one of the mugs on the table next to his chair. Going over to the sofa, she sat down, curling her legs under her, and the very normality of the scene helped to ease a little of the tension that gripped him. Reaching for his own mug, he cradled it between his hands, relishing the heat that flowed through his icy fingertips. He had no idea what Molly would think once he told her the whole sorry tale; he would just have to deal with it whichever way he could.
‘So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?’
Her voice was gentle. Sean knew that if he changed his mind she wouldn’t push him. It was up to him if he confessed what he had done—how his actions had resulted in the death of the woman he had been planning to marry. Just for a moment, he wavered, unsure if he could face the condemnation that would surely follow. However, the thought of continually feeling this way was more than he could bear. Even facing Molly’s revulsion couldn’t be any worse than this.
‘It’s all to do with Claire and what happened to her.’ He placed the mug on the table when he felt his hands start to tremble. The only way he would get through this was by keeping a tight rein on his emotions. Once he lost control of them then all the remorse and guilt that had consumed him these past years would come spilling out and he couldn’t bear to think that Molly would witness it.
‘Who was she? Your girlfriend, I assume.’ Molly’s voice was just as gentle and undemanding and Sean felt a little more tension seep out of him.
‘Yes. Well, she was my fiancée, actually. We were childhood sweethearts; I suppose that’s how people would describe us. Our parents were friends so we grew up together. We were both only children, you see, and it was great to have a sort of surrogate sister to play with.’
‘I see. I can understand how close you must have been,’ she said softly.
‘We were, very close, right through school and on into university. Claire studied law at Liverpool while I went to Cambridge and did medicine so we didn’t see much of one another, but it didn’t make any difference. We just picked up where we’d left off whenever we met up.’ He shrugged. ‘It seemed only natural that we should get engaged once we had qualified. Both our families were thrilled, as you might expect, and set about planning our wedding.’
He tailed off, not sure how to tell her the rest. What would Molly think once he told her the truth? Would she blame him, as he blamed himself? Even though it shouldn’t have mattered what she thought, he knew deep in his heart that it did.
‘We were both working incredibly hard, trying to establish our careers,’ he continued before his courage deserted him. ‘Claire had been accepted for pupillage at a leading firm of barristers in London and I was working as a junior registrar at a London hospital in A&E. Although we shared a flat, we actually saw very little of one another.’
‘It’s difficult to find time for a relationship when you’re starting out on your career,’ Molly agreed, and he sighed.
‘That’s what I told myself, especially when we fell out, as we seemed to do with increasing frequency. I told myself that we just needed to get through the next few months and it would get easier once we were married, but the situation grew worse, if anything. It got so bad that I avoided going home some nights, just to get a break from all the arguing. And then one night Claire phoned me at work and told me that she needed to speak to me urgently. I wasn’t off duty until eight p.m. so I arranged to meet her at a bar we sometimes went to.
‘It was one of those nights you learn to dread, as it turned out. Dozens of patients, all with major complications. There was no chance of my being able to leave on time so I phoned Claire and explained that I couldn’t make it. She was already there, waiting for me, and I could tell she was upset when I cancelled, but there was nothing I could do about it.’
He broke off, steeling himself to tell Molly the rest of the story. He had reached the real crux of his tale, the part that he found it the most difficult to voice. He took a steadying breath before he continued in a voice that was devoid of any emotion.
‘That was the last time I ever spoke to her. She left the bar a short time later and was hit by a taxi while she was crossing the road. She died instantly. One of the bar staff said at the inquest that she had been crying when she had left—and that was all down to me, Molly. If I hadn’t been so curt with her then she would never have stepped in front of that cab.’
CHAPTER NINE
MOLLY HAD NO idea what to say. She was so stunned by what Sean had told her that her thoughts were in a complete turmoil. And then, slowly, one thought rose through all the confusion in her head: Sean wasn’t to blame. It had been an accident, a tragic and terrible accident.
‘It wasn’t your fault!’ She got up from the sofa and went to kneel beside his chair. ‘It was an accident, Sean, awful, I know, but you can’t blame yourself for what happened.’
‘No? So why does it feel like it’s my fault?’ He shook his head. ‘No, if I hadn’t been so offhand with her then Claire would never have got so upset. She’d told me that she needed to speak to me urgently and I should have realised that it had to be something really important.’
‘Do you have any idea what she wanted to tell you?’ Molly asked hesitantly then immediately wished that she hadn’t when she saw how tormented he looked.
‘Oh, yes. It came out at the inquest.’ He took a deep breath but she could hear the torment in his voice. ‘Claire was pregnant when she was killed—roughly eight weeks, according to the coroner. I had no idea but it makes no difference, does it? I’m not only responsible for Claire’s death but for the death of our baby as well.’
Molly couldn’t think of anything to say. The sheer horror of what he must have been through was simply too much to take in. And it was obvious that Sean had misinterpreted her silence. He laughed harshly as he stood up.
‘I can tell by your expression what you think, Molly, and I don’t blame you. I mean, what kind of a man doesn’t even suspect his fiancée is pregnant, especially when she’s sending out all the right signals?’
‘Wh...what sort of signals?’ she murmured, getting to her feet as well.
‘All the rows, of course. Claire was never the sort of person to start an argument—she was far too quiet. I should have realised that something was going on and made her tell me what it was, but I was too preoccupied with my job and with making a good impression.’
‘But that’s ridiculous! You had no way of knowing that she was pregnant unless she chose to tell you. I mean, why did she wait so long? Surely it would have been far more in character for her to tell you the moment she suspected that she might be having a baby?’
‘She probably would have done if I hadn’t been so completely wrapped up in my work.’ He gave her a grim smile. ‘I was far too busy to find the time to sit down and talk to her.’
‘She must have been busy too,’ Molly pointed out. ‘You said that you were both trying to make a go of your careers.’
‘Yes. But it doesn’t negate what I did or, rather, what I didn’t do. I wasn’t there when Claire needed me and because of that she and the baby died.’ His voice broke. ‘And I will have to live with tha
t every day of my life.’
Molly acted instinctively then. Perhaps if she had been thinking clearly she wouldn’t have done what she did but every instinct she possessed was urging her to comfort him. Reaching out, she drew him into her arms and held him, simply held him, hoping that he might take comfort from the closeness of another human being. She had never suspected that Sean—live-for-the-moment Sean—was carrying such a burden around with him, but somehow she had to make him understand that he wasn’t to blame for what had happened.
If she could.
The thought that he might live out the rest of his days blaming himself for the tragedy brought a rush of tears to her eyes. Molly tried to hold them back but more kept on coming, pouring down her face in a relentless torrent. She realised all of a sudden that she wasn’t crying only for him but for herself as well. Sean must have loved Claire so very much, far more than he could ever have loved her, and it was almost too painful to bear to know that she could never have matched the other woman in his affections.
‘Molly?’ She felt him go still before he slowly set her away from him. Bending, he looked into her face. ‘You’re crying.’
‘Take no notice.’ She sniffed loudly, hunting in her pocket for a tissue and typically not finding one. She couldn’t bear it if he guessed just how devastated she felt, couldn’t add to his burden in any way. It wasn’t Sean’s fault that his heart belonged to another woman.
‘Here.’ Sean plucked a tissue from the box on the coffee table but, instead of handing it to her, he tipped up her face and gently wiped away her tears. Tossing the soggy tissue into the waste bin, he smiled at her. ‘Better now?’
