He shook his head. “No wonder you laughed at me for thinking you were afraid of horses.”
“I didn’t laugh.”
Nick gave her a skeptical glance. “Maybe not on the outside.”
A ghost of a smile touched her lips. “Like I told Beth—it was a long time ago.” She shrugged. “A lifetime ago.”
“But—”
“I used to ride. I don’t anymore. End of story.” Without a backward glance—at him or the reminders of her past—Julia slipped from the room.
Nick knew it wasn’t the end of the story. But would she ever trust him enough to tell it?
Chapter Fourteen
“Julia! We’re here!”
A familiar woof accompanied Beth’s cheerful greeting.
Julia couldn’t prevent a smile. Right on time.
Ever since the day she’d supervised Star’s makeover, Julia now found herself part of the Delaneys’ daily routine. After school, Beth would stop in to say hello before going to the barn to feed Star, deliver fresh water and muck out the stall.
The first time she’d shown up, Julia had been a little taken aback by the unannounced visit. Especially when Belle had scooted in and made herself at home on the rug in front of the sink while Beth entertained Julia with stories from her school day. By the third visit, Beth was comfortable enough to sneak a peek in the cookie jar on the counter.
Julia made sure she kept it filled.
She’d started to look forward to Beth’s arrival. It was Nick’s daily visit she tried to avoid. After supper, he would walk up to the barn to supervise Beth while she and Star took a sedate walk around the pasture. His laughter inevitably drew Julia to the window, where she would linger a moment to watch Beth, silently correcting her posture.
Back straight. Heels down. Hands low. Eyes forward.
Every time she was tempted to go outside and help Beth with her equitation, the man leaning against the fence stopped her.
Julia hadn’t realized she was such a coward.
Only this time she wasn’t avoiding Nick because she was haunted by the past. No, this time it was because she was afraid of the future.
“Look what I got at school today.” Beth kicked off her boots on the rug inside the door and skidded into the kitchen, waving a bright green piece of paper.
Julia pointed to the cookie jar as she took the flyer. It was an advertisement for the Blue Ribbon Rendezvous, an annual horse show sponsored by a local riding club. She didn’t need to read the rest to know what it would say.
Wind River Farm had once hosted the event.
“This is in two weeks.”
“That’s a lot of time. Isn’t it?” Beth broke off a piece of cookie and fed it to Belle.
Julia looked over the list of events again. Some of them were geared for beginning riders but she couldn’t help but compare Star to the horses Beth would be competing against.
“Are you sure you don’t want to wait another month? There will be other shows this summer.”
“Don’t you think we’re ready?” The silent appeal in Beth’s eyes arrowed straight to Julia’s heart. “Dad said that I should try because it’s just for fun.”
Just for fun. Julia wished she had heard those words at Beth’s age. She eased her grip on the past. Tried to remember what was important.
“He’s right. You and Star will do fine.” Julia handed her back the flyer and was gifted with a bright smile. “What events do you want to enter?”
“All of them.”
“I knew you were going to say that.” Julia laughed and gave Beth an impulsive hug.
To her amazement, Beth clung to her. “Come on. Let’s go.”
“Go where?”
Beth snitched another cookie. “To the barn. We’ve got a lot of work to do before the show. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
That, Julia thought, made two of them.
But she grabbed her boots, just the same.
Star balked at the first jump.
Julia hurried forward, bracing herself for the inevitable as Beth’s feet came out of the irons and she pitched forward.
By the time she reached them, Beth had caught herself from catapulting over Star’s head but the horse was still dancing in place, eyes rolling suspiciously at the unfamiliar object in her path.
“She’s afraid of it,” Beth said, shaken by the close call.
Julia put a soothing hand on Star’s neck and the other on Beth’s knee. “That’s because you told her to be.”
“Me?” The word came out in a squeak.
Julia smiled. “It’s easy to think the horses are the ones that are brave and in charge because they’re so big. But even though you’re a team, Star has to trust that you are the one in charge. As you got closer to the jump, your posture changed. You tensed up and pulled back on the reins. Those were signals to Star that she should be afraid, too.”
“I am kind of afraid of falling,” Beth admitted in a small voice.
“You are going to fall.”
Beth’s eyes widened and Julia laughed. “It’s inevitable, sweetheart. Everyone falls off at some point. The important thing is to get back on again.”
Not that she’d taken her own advice.
“Okay.” Beth eyed the jump apprehensively, not as inspired by the pep talk as Julia hoped she’d be.
“Go ahead and show Star there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“Julia?”
“Yes?”
“Will you show her first?”
Nick walked over the rise just in time to see Julia and Star sail over a low jump set up in the pasture. The muscles under Star’s glossy coat rippled as if an invisible current flowed beneath them.
Julia’s delighted laugh danced in the background of Beth’s exuberant applause.
His heart locked up at the sound and he raised his hand to wave as the horse swung around. But instead of returning to the gate, Julia turned Star toward the woods on the other side of the field and they cantered away.
“Isn’t she amazing, Dad?” Beth raced up to him.
Amazing. Unpredictable. Irresistible. Beautiful.
Nick couldn’t decide which description fit the best.
“I guess that’s the reason she won all those trophies.” He pulled Beth against him and gave her a fierce hug.
Beth giggled. “I was talking about Star, Dad, not Julia.”
Oops. Busted. Nick felt his face grow warm. “She’s amazing, too. Why did Julia come out to help you?”
“Because I asked her,” Beth said simply.
Mmm. Maybe he should have tried that. Every evening when he walked over to Wind River Farm to watch Beth ride, Julia stayed in the house, holed up like a groundhog in January. He’d been wondering how to coax her out of hiding.
“I told Julia about the show. It’s in two weeks but she thinks we’ll be ready by then. But I couldn’t get Star to go over the jump and Julia said it was because she knew I was afraid.”
Which was why Julia had taken Star over the jump first.
I used to ride. I don’t anymore. End of story.
Nick’s throat tightened. He’d already come to the conclusion that he and Julia needed to talk. If he could ever get her alone.
While they waited for Julia to return, Beth shared more details about the show. It was Mother’s Day weekend. Some of the girls from school were entering, too. She needed riding clothes. They would have to rent a trailer.
Nick’s head was beginning to swim when Beth broke off mid-sentence, a frown settling between her brows. “Do you think they’re okay? Where did they go?”
Nick’s gaze drifted to the opening in the trees where Julia and Star had disappeared. More than twenty minutes had already gone by. “I’m sure they’re fine. Why don’t you go up to the house and finish your homework. I’ll take care of Star when they get back.”
“Okay.” Fortunately, Beth was too exhausted to argue. “Tell Julia I’ll see her tomorrow.”
Another half hour wen
t by and the sun had slipped behind the trees when Nick heard the soft, rhythmic thud of hoofbeats in the pasture. Relief poured through him. He’d been close to sending out a search party.
Nick took one look at Julia as she led Star into the barn and knew they hadn’t taken a leisurely trail ride. Julia’s hair was tousled and damp; her porcelain skin glowed with perspiration. She looked as if she’d been strapped to the back of a missile.
And loved every minute of it.
Neither of them spoke while Nick unfastened Star’s bridle and Julia removed the saddle.
“Beth?” she finally asked.
“I sent her home to shower and finish her homework.”
A flash of guilt crossed Julia’s face. “I guess I lost track of the time.”
“I didn’t think time existed when a person traveled at the speed of light,” Nick said mildly.
“I wasn’t…” Julia stopped and caught her lower lip between her teeth, unable to deny it. “I wouldn’t push Star too hard.”
“I know that. I was teasing you.”
A smile tipped Julia’s lips and she gave Star’s neck an affectionate pat before turning her out. Nick rolled his eyes. He was jealous of a horse. Pathetic.
Julia watched the horse trot into the pasture, one hand idly massaging her hip. “She’s a good horse, Nick. Smart. Eager to please. She and Beth will make a good team.”
“Beth told me about the show. It was nice of you to help her, even though, knowing my daughter, she probably didn’t give you much of a choice.”
“They’ll do fine.” Julia took a step toward the door. And then another.
It occurred to Nick that he’d gotten the very thing he’d been hoping for. A chance to talk with Julia alone.
“Good night.” A third step.
One more and she’d be beyond his reach. Again. Nick decided to take a risk.
“Why did you give up something you love?”
Chapter Fifteen
Julia should have known Nick would wait for her to come back to the barn after her impulsive ride.
“I don’t love it anymore.”
“I don’t believe you.”
As if he didn’t trust her not to make a break for it, Nick crossed the distance between them. Strong hands closed around her arms, but instead of making her feel trapped, his grip was warm. Comforting.
The gentle touch made her want to lean against his chest and draw from his strength. Even knowing that she didn’t deserve it.
“Why did you give up riding? Did it have something to do with the accident?”
“You know about that?” Julia didn’t know why it surprised her. Lucy or Irma Robertson had probably filled him in on all the grim details the minute he’d bought the house next door.
“I know you got hurt and I’m guessing it had something to do with horses. Did the doctors advise you not to ride? Is that it?”
“No, that isn’t it.” Julia twisted away from him. “I can ride. I just don’t want to. Sometimes horses are a phase. Something a person outgrows.”
“That may be true, but not for you. I saw the look on your face when you took Star over that jump tonight. You looked like a woman who was exactly where she wanted to be.”
She refused to cry. Not in front of Nick. She’d managed to contain her tears for four years; she could hold them back a little longer.
“It’s in the past.”
“I don’t think it is. I think it’s something you carry with you every day.” Nick reached up and brushed back the damp strands of hair from her cheek. “Tell me, Julia. Trust me.”
Julia stared up at him.
Trust. It sounded so simple. Did Nick know he was asking the impossible?
“Whatever this is about, you don’t have to go through it alone.”
Julia wished that were true. But once Nick knew what she’d done—what she was capable of—she could stop dreaming about a future that included him and Beth.
Maybe that was reason enough to tell him.
She nodded, acutely aware of Nick’s arm around her as he led her to the sofa in the trophy room.
A fitting place, Julia thought bitterly. Her emotions shut down when she looked at the photo of her and Summer on the wall. That girl was a stranger to her now. Acknowledging that made it easier to face the past. Made it seem as if she were a spectator rather than a participant.
“Summer and I were signed up for a riding competition in Kentucky one weekend, but a storm came through and the course turned to mud.” Without closing her eyes Julia could feel the pelting rain. Hear the low keen of the wind. “Some of the riders withdrew because it was dangerous but Mom didn’t want me to. There were people from the Olympic equestrian team there and we’d heard a rumor my name was being tossed around.
“Laine, one of the other competitors, tried to convince the judges to cancel the event. I knew my mother was counting on me to compete so I told them that completing the course depended on the skill of the rider more than the horse.” The arrogance of the assertion still seared Julia’s conscience. “I offered to prove the course was safe by riding any of the horses there. They took me up on it.
“I took Thor—Laine’s horse—out. That was my idea, too.” Julia eased her hand from Nick’s comforting grip. “I wanted everyone to see she was being overly cautious. We cleared the first fence without a problem, but when Thor took the second one, he slipped and fell. On me. That’s all I remember. I woke up in the ICU two days later. Then came three months of rehab, a broken engagement and the end of my riding career. Mom left the area because she couldn’t face the scandal.”
Or the daughter who’d caused it.
That was what hurt the most. For years, Julia had secretly questioned if her worth as a person was determined by how many trophies she won.
After the accident, she got her answer.
Julia’s voice trailed off and when Nick reached for her hand again, she pulled away.
The self-recrimination in her tone, the empty look in her eyes, told Nick the rest of the story.
Why hadn’t he put the clues together until now? The vacant stalls. Julia’s reaction to Star. The walls she’d built around her heart. They all added up to one thing.
Guilt.
Nick recognized the symptoms. He’d dealt with those feelings after Liz died.
Julia blamed herself for what had happened that day. She hadn’t forgiven herself for what had happened that day.
“Thor?” He had to ask. Had to know if that was part of it.
“They had to put him down. Laine loved that horse…like I loved Summer.” She stared, unseeing, at the trophies on the wall. “I wanted to prove myself. Wanted to win. But instead I lost. Everything.”
From her tone, it was clear Julia believed that she’d deserved it.
“What happened when you got home?” Nick remembered Lucy saying something about Tara Windham not coming home much after the accident.
“Mom took a job teaching riding lessons at a private school out of state. She sold Summer before I got home.”
Another wound. And one, Nick guessed, that still hadn’t healed.
Help me find the right words, Lord.
“You have to forgive yourself. It’s the only way you can put the past to rest and move forward.” He paused, knowing that in this situation, he could speak from experience. “I blamed myself when my wife died. She’d asked me to give her a ride to the restaurant and I told Liz I didn’t have time. If I would have gone five minutes out of my way, she might still be alive.”
“That wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know what would happen.”
“Neither did you.” Nick saw the impact the words had on Julia. “Maybe that’s the reason your mom left. She might still be battling guilt because she pushed you to enter the competition that day.”
Julia immediately began to shake her head. Short, jerky little shakes that looked as if someone was asking questions she didn’t want to answer. “No. Mom couldn’t settle for anything less tha
n the best. When I couldn’t win anymore, she wanted to find someone who could.”
“Or she couldn’t stay on the farm and be reminded every day of what you’d lost,” Nick said softly. “I know that guilt ate me up inside until I turned everything over to God. The whole angry, grieving mess inside of me. It made all the difference. He’s the only one who can bring something good out of our messes. And Julia, that’s what He wants to do for you. Trust Him.”
Trust in the Lord.
The verse from Beth’s devotional book.
Why wasn’t she surprised? Lately, no matter what she was doing, it shimmered below the surface of her thoughts like background music.
Julia wanted to trust. Was trying to trust. But the changes God was making in her heart wouldn’t change the consequences of the mistakes she’d made that day.
“Julia, I care about you. Beth cares about you.” Nick’s voice roughened with the intensity of his feelings. “I didn’t think I’d feel this way again, but—”
“Wait.” Julia stopped Nick before he went any further. “I told you that after the accident, my fiancé broke up with me.”
“If the guy dumped you because you got hurt then you were better off without him.”
Julia rose to her feet and wrapped her arms around her middle. She had to tell him everything, even knowing it would form a barrier between them. One that would prevent his feelings from becoming deeper.
Unfortunately, it was too late for her.
“My injuries caused hemorrhaging and they were severe enough that I ended up with scar tissue. The doctor warned me that it would be difficult—if not impossible—to get pregnant.”
Julia saw Nick’s eyes darken with denial as her words sank in.
She waited. One heartbeat of silence stretched into two.
It was the reaction she’d expected but she hadn’t known how much it would hurt.
“It doesn’t matter, Julia.”
“It does to me.” And it would to him. Maybe not right away. But when it happened, Julia knew her heart wouldn’t hold up under the weight of Nick’s regret. Or pity.
A Mother's Gift (Love Inspired) Page 17
