The Zen of Zombie

by Scott Kenemore

  For our second example, let’s meet a zombie named Claudette. Claudette lived in a remote village on the coast of France until an unpleasant fall from a majestic coastal cliff took her life. She was subsequently reanimated as a zombie by a traveling gypsy witch, who was then subsequently eaten by Claudette (you will recall the prior caveats against attempting reanimation). Zombie-Claudette now spends her days lurking along the coast, feeding on the occasional fisherman or British tourist. One of Zombie-Claudette’s advantages is her limited (but very effective) use of speech.

  See how, in the following representative example, Claudette uses cover of night to approach a pair of early-morning fishermen:

  Henri: “Un moment! Qu’est-ce que c’est ? J’entends quelque chose.”

  Guy: “C’est ne pas possible. Nous sommes tout seuls.”

  Henri: “Mais je suis sûr j’entends quelque chose ... Peut-être c’est un cheval.”

  Guy: “ ... ”

  Henri: “Je suis sérieux!”

  Guy: “Un cheval ... ? Ici ... ? Dans la plage ... ? A quatre heures du matin?”

  Henri: “Oui.”

  Zombie-Claudette: “Niii. Niii.”

  Henri: “Voilà. Un cheval.”

  Guy: “Bien. Quelle surprise.”*

  *Translation

  Henri: “One second! What was that? I heard something.”

  Guy: “That’s not possible. We’re all alone.”

  Henri: “But I’m sure I heard something ... Maybe it was a horse.”

  Guy: “ ... ”

  Henri: “I’m serious!”

  Guy: “A horse ... ? Here ... ? On the beach ... ? At four in the morning?”

  Henri: “Yes.”

  Zombie-Claudette: “Neigh. Neigh.”

  Henri: “There you go. A horse.”

  Guy: “Well, that’s a surprise.”

  Moments later, that lonely cove will echo with cries of “Zut alors!” as Claudette sinks her teeth through the first of two berets in yet another successful use of zombie-speech.

  Whereas in our prior example we saw Karl using speech to impersonate his former human incarnation, we see that Zombie-Claudette is able to go a step beyond this by impersonating a French horse. Taken out of context, of course, Claudette’s whinnies would appear to have very little to do with eating someone’s brain. Yet, in the context of this example, we see that in fact she has everything to gain by horsing it up a bit.

  For our final example (in which we will examine yet a third aspect of zombie-speech), let us meet Bucephalus. A mountain man living high in the forgotten crags of West Virginia, he loses his life as part of a long-standing and much celebrated family feud. Bucephalus then finds himself reanimated as a zombie under the authority of a curse involving a violated moonshine still, his illegitimate sister’s bloodline, and the wisest and most mystical of all the village hogs.

  Upon reanimation, Bucephalus spends his days carrying out a sort of poetic justice by hunting down the men from the opposing family who conspired to kill him and eating their brains. He may be carrying out a folk-tale style of revenge, true, but it is also true that his enemies tend to live close to the burying ground and are the easiest targets for Zombie-Bucephalus.

  Like Karl and Claudette, Bucephalus employs speech to further his purposes. The following example illustrates Bucephalus’s particular innovation. Our scenario commences late one foggy mountain night as Zombie-Bucephalus knocks loudly on the cabin door of one of his murderers:

  Ezekiel: “Who’s there? Who’s knockin’ on my door in the middle of the night.”

  Bucephalus: “ ... Bucephalus.”

  Ezekiel (wildly): “Bucephalus??? But it cain’t be you. We left you for dead at the bottom of the ravine last Thursday. Who is this really?”

  Bucephalus: “Bucephalus ...”

  Ezekiel: “Really?”

  Bucephalus: “ ... ”

  Ezekiel: “I’m waiting.”

  Bucephalus: “Zombie ... Zombie-Bucephalus ... ”

  Ezekiel: “Ha! I knew it! By the horn of Beelzebub, you done become a zombie!”

  Bucephalus: “Yes ... ”

  Ezekiel: “And what do you want, zombie? To eat my brain? To leave me for dead the same way I left you, I ’spect?”

  Bucephalus: “Just to talk ... ”

  Ezekiel

  (greatly relieved): “Oh ... Well in that case, let me get the door.”

  As one might expect, our vignette will conclude with Ezekiel opening the door to his cabin and instantly regretting it as Bucephalus pounces on him, removes his filthy John Deere baseball cap, and tucks in.

  The important difference between this and our previous examples is that at no time does Bucephalus pretend to be something other than what he is. Karl and Claudette both used speech to give the impression that they were something other than zombies (a living human and a horse, respectively). Bucephalus, on the other hand, was more-or-less forthcoming about his status in the legions of the undead. In his case, speech was used to provide a ruse not about his identity, but about his intentions.

  Our example zombies vary, but all of them have a valuable economy to their speech that is worth imitating. They speak no more than is necessary, and only when it brings them closer to their goals.

  Your journaling assignment for week 3 is to retroactively analyze your major uses of speech each day at the end of the day. You will go back and recall each important interaction or series of interactions, taking care to note if the speech that you did manage served your purposes or was wasted language. As the week goes by, hope to see a steady decrease in not only the amount of speech that you use, but in the overall importance of it as regards your ultimate goal in any situation.

  The speech-interactions you chronicle can be very detailed and extended, or simple one-sentence interactions. In each instance, note what the situation was, your ultimate goal that it served, how close to the economical speech of a zombie you managed to get, and how you would go through this same interaction differently in the future (if at all). Be brutally honest with yourself.

  Some examples:

  Situation: Creepy homeless guy at my bus stop won’t leave me alone

  Goal: Get on my bus without getting groped/smeared with excrement

  Speech Used:

  “Eww, get away.”

  “No seriously, leave. Now.”

  “I don’t have any money for you.”

  “Look, my boyfriend is a lineman, okay?”

  “No, not for the Colts, for the fucking phone company, but he could still kick your ass. Come to think of it, so could I.”

  “Listen buddy, I’m on my way to a job interview, that’s why I’m dressed up like this. If you lay one finger on me or get any of that goo coming out of your face on these shoes, I’m going to forget all about it and devote the rest of my day to kicking your ass. Follow me?”

  Analysis of Speech Used:

  Got the job done, but was a little long-winded for a zombie.

  I think I pretty much stayed in zombie form. (Would a zombie have a problem with face-goo?) The escalation right to violence feels right for a zombie. Also, a zombie goes after what it wants, so it made sense to tell the guy that he better not make me change the thing I want from “Putting my best foot forward in the interview” to “Spending a whole goddamn afternoon rolling some homeless guy.”

  Situation: Date with Carol from the party the other night

  Goal: Carol in my bed by midnight, but gone by 2 a.m.

  Speech Used:

  “Hey, Carol, nice to see you again. You look really pretty tonight.”

  “I hear this place is great.”

  “Fascinating ...”

  “Really? And then what happened?”

  “Fascinating ...”

  “Really? And then what happened?”

  “Your sister sounds like a special girl.”

  “Fascinating ...”

  “It sounds like that overweight girl deserved to be kicked out of your sorority.
”

  “No way! I think Dane Cook is awesome, too.”

  “You know, my place is just around the corner.”

  “Yes, I do have a Dane Cook DVD somewhere we could watch.”

  “This might be easier in the bedroom, you know.”

  “Ouch! Too hard!”

  “That’s better.”

  “Gee, I wish you could, but my roommate will be getting back soon, and we have a rule about overnight guests. They have to have sex with both of us.”

  Analysis of Speech Used:

  Overall, I think this went pretty well. Got through the whole evening talking just 16 times. Definitely room for some improvement. Should have said “are hot” in place of “look really pretty.” Maybe just “Cook” instead of “Dane Cook” next time? Also, could have used “do” in place of “have sex with.” Ultimately though, I think my speech stayed true to zombie form because it brought me closer to my original goals.

  Keep a journal like this, and you’ll take important steps toward honing your speech to a point (and you’ll keep things to the point, like a zombie does).

  Remember:

  Less is always more.

  More detailed speech is sometimes permitted, but only when absolutely necessary.

  To be like a zombie your speech should always take you towards your ultimate goal.

  4

  Zombies Level All

  Even in the middle ages, humans had the sense that certain things were the “great levelers” of life. The lowliest peasant and the highest king still had some things in common. The front-line infantryman shivering in rags and the wellprotected knight riding at the back of the army were alike in a few ways (even though they were dissimilar in most). The beautiful princess and the wizened crone shared more than any first glance (or shudder of revulsion) might indicate.

  You may have seen the famous medieval woodcut of a mysterious skeletal figure sweeping pieces off of a chessboard. Art historians often erroneously cite this as an illustration of Death configured as the great leveler, claiming both pawns and kings, and leaving no one untouched—the lesson being that all men must die, no matter what their station in life. These academics are almost correct.

  The true, skeletal leveler is, however, the zombie.

  Not to dwell on this mistake (these academic types do seem earnest in their convictions, and they try so hard), but today we know that death is not as unable to be bought as it might first appear. The rich man who can afford the best doctors, to have his blood changed in Brazil, and expensive prostitutes free from venereal disease is likely to stave off the reaper longer than a man without means. The young person from a connected American political dynasty may have the connections to avoid a military draft that claims many a blue-collar kid. The CEO’s wife can afford a personal trainer, regular checkups, and fat-free meals flown in from her nutritionist in Zurich. The janitor’s wife is lucky to have a supermarket in her neighborhood at all, much less a park safe enough to jog in.

  In summary, death may not be able to be bought off completely, but he will clearly agree to go away for a few more years when the price is right. (Note: A few enthusiasts of The Singularity have posited that it may be possible to “live long enough to live forever” through a regimen involving the watching of one’s diet, taking 250 vitamin pills each day, and writing ponderous, wildly speculative books about the singularity. While these scientists may very well be correct, their path to eternal life seems rather circuitous when compared to the swift reanimation of a zombie.)

  Today, on the other hand, it is the zombie who has replaced Death as the incorruptible enforcer of Fate that truly levels all men.

  Zombies treat everyone the same, but there are important differences between zombies and the above examples.

  Zombies treat everyone the same because everyone is the same thing to a zombie. Any combination of ethnic, historic, socio-economic, religious, or other factors go right out the window when it comes to zombies. Zombies don’t discriminate. Zombies don’t treat people differently based on how they look, how they dress, or any other factor. It’s all the same to a zombie.

  Did you ever hear of a zombie who only ate white people, or only ate black people? No way. Zombies are equal opportunity brain-eaters. In cultures that are not diverse, zombies may have stuck to one race or ethnic group simply because they had no other options. But we see repeatedly that when diversity is introduced to a population, zombies don’t bat an eyelash. They just sink their teeth right in. Racism, prejudice, and bigotry simply aren’t in a zombie’s vocabulary.

  Zombies don’t adopt these magnanimous practices to be “nice” or to foster working or educational environments free from lawsuits and harassment. However, it does make them effective. This week, we will work on making sure it makes you more effective too.

  Whatever you may have been told by teachers, diversity trainers, or your parole officer, bigotry and prejudice is more than just “wrong,” “evil,” and “not nice.” It is also ineffective.

  Remember:

  A zombie’s effectiveness is directly connected to its lack of discrimination.

  Your zombification exercises in week 4 will involve training yourself to avoid discrimination of any sort when it comes to people. No matter what the situation, zombies stick to this policy, even when direct appeals to discrimination are made. Consider the following illustrative examples:

  Example One

  Between battles, Josiah Young, Master-Sergeant in the 43rd Illinois Artillery, accidentally stumbles into a slave graveyard on a liberated southern plantation where mysterious ancient rites have caused a recently deceased enslaved African-American named Dave to walk the earth again.

  Josiah: “Lands! But that grave yonder is opening! Methinks the dead walk again!”

  Dave: “Brains ... ”

  Josiah: “Steady now, friend. I mean you no harm, but do not approach farther!”

  Dave: “Brains ... ”

  Josiah: “Curses, my revolver does nothing against this foe. And he draws ever nearer!”

  Dave: “Brains ... ”

  Josiah: “Ahh, but in the moonlight I see now that you are ... or were ... one of the unjustly enslaved negroes that the Grand Army of the Republic has fought so bravely to set free. Come, my African friend, we must embrace in brotherhood and build a new nation, one in which a man is not judged by his skin’s color, but rather by the—”

  Dave: “Brains ... ”

  Josiah: “As you say ... His brains. Now, if you wouldn’t mind unhanding me ... Um, friend ... ”

  Exegesis: Here we have a wonderful example of a zombie leveling the self-righteous man and bringing him down to where the rest of us are. It just goes to show that good works are no security against zombies. Our Yankee friend earnestly believed that the blood he and his comrades had shed at Shiloh and Bull Run would somehow “count” in his favor. Not when the zombies come knocking. For his part, our zombie, Dave, is at no point distracted by his victim’s tales of self-sacrifice and earnest vision for a peaceful future where Americans live together in tolerance and prosperity. He’s not going to think about one victim being more or less worthy than another. Whether it’s a bigoted slavemaster or an idealistic Union soldier, Dave is chowing down. Truly, all men are equal in his eyes, and in his mouth.

  Example Two

  On Prom Night 2007 in Davenport, Iowa, Davenport North football star Jason Panther wanders away from the after-prom party on the banks of the Mississippi. Suddenly, walking up the riverbank he sees the skulking form of Carol Snogley, the yearbook editor and president of the Chess Club, who threw herself into the river after a prank by the football team (and several cheerleaders) involving some Photoshopped images of Carol and the assistant principal, and resulting in an emergency PTA meeting and a segment on 20/20. A recent government chemical spill into the river (also covered on 20/20) has had an unforeseen effect on Carol.

  Jason: “Carol? Carol Snogley? Is that you?”

  Carol: “Jason ... ”


  Jason: “Omigod. Carol, we are all so sorry about what happened. Nobody expected those pictures to get so much attention. You wouldn’t believe the fallout. I got suspended for every away game that’s not

  part of the IHSAA tournament. Some of the cheerleaders got it even worse. I’m not even kidding.”

  Carol: “Jason ... ”

  Jason: “Gee, is that the same dress you were wearing when you jumped off the bridge? We all thought you were dead. It was on 20/20 and everything. We should let everybody know you’re okay. I’d go tell people myself, but the way you’re shuf fling over to me makes my legs feel sort of frozen. It’s the darndest thing.”