Good Kings Bad Kings

by Susan Nussbaum

  Thas jus’ how it happen.

  Yessenia Lopez

  Joanne talked to a lawyer to see could she get Cheri out of el manicomio. She said the lawyer helps disable people but she couldn’t help Cheri. I said, “Did you tell her Cheri is fine if she takes her meds? Did you tell her they only sent her there ’cause they was mad she ran away?” Joanne said she told her alla that. She said the lawyer said they just run out of lawyers. Illinois won’t pay for them no more. I said, “When am I ever gonna see Cheri again?” and Joanne said she didn’t know. I asked her what was the lawyer’s name and could I talk to her and Joanne said she thought that was a good idea and she wrote down the lawyer’s name and number. Elaine Brown at Center for Disability Justice.

  I finally tried reading some of Joanne’s favorite magazine, the Plume Serpent. I fell asleep before I finished the first sentence. But every night before I close my eyes to sleep I look at the picture of that fine-ass brother that I taped to my wall. He’s at a protest of a nursing home, is what Joanne said. He’s chained around and around his waist and arm to a big glass door of a building. And the chain even weaves in and outta his wheelchair. And the look on his face is “Do not fuck with me.” He’s a brother but he has light-colored eyes and real pretty long locks. The boy is fierce. Oh my Lord Jesus, he is so, so, so succulent. Sometimes I pretend in my mind that he’s here for real and we’re all chained up together and after we’re done being chained we go off together and we tell everybody we know the story of how we met.

  I liked some other pictures in the Plume Serpent too. There’s pictures of a picket march with a lot of disable people. They got signs. All the people in the march got signs and they’re all disable people. Almost all of them. The signs say things like OUR HOMES! NOT NURSING HOMES! That means they want to live in their own homes. One day when I bust out of this bitch I’m gonna find out where they marching and I’m gonna find that brother. I hope he don’t already have a girlfriend.

  But my favorite picture is—not counting the fierce brother—there’s this line of people in chairs just sitting real stone-faceded in front of a door, and right across from them, in another line, is the po-lice and them po-lice look mad as hell. But they can’t beat on a bunch of challenged people with a camera aimed on ’em. It makes me laugh.

  Cheri didn’t put anything new on her Facebook page since she been gone. I try to check every day but how’m I gonna do that when they only have two computers in this whole place and we each get one hour a week to use it? I don’t really wanna touch them though ’cause you cannot believe the greasy, germy, boogery little fingers been all over them keys. Last week every single child almost on the third floor had diarrhea on account of a germ they been passing ever since one of them got home from the hospital. Not just any diarrhea. I’m talking dia-ree-ah. You better take some strong antibiotics to kill that mother. All the teachers had to wipe off anything those children ever touched which was just about everything, including those computers. But even if I could get on Facebook like everybody else in the entire world, Cheri probably don’t have a computer at el manicomio.

  My new roommate Ree Ree is still a pain in my be-hind. I think they put that child in with me as a experiment to see how long before I wrap some duct tape on her mouth. I am serious. I had a teacher once in fifth grade? Her name was Miss Finkle and she was mad at this kid in my class called Angelo ’cause he had a brain challenge and he had a loose tooth and he kept wiggling and wiggling that tooth so Miss Finkle duct-taped Angelo’s hands behind his chair so Angelo started tapping his feet so Miss Finkle duct-taped his feet to the floor so he laughed at her and damn if Miss Finkle didn’t duct-tape Angelo’s mouth and all around his head and his whole body to the chair. When they finally pulled that tape off from Angelo’s head it pulled most of his hair out too and his mama was mad.

  Ree Ree starts in asking me questions soon as I get on the bus after school. I told Ricky, “Please, please, unless you want a murder on this thing, do not let that skinny little milky-eye brat sit near me. Please.” Ricky just laughed and he put Ree Ree up by him in the front and now she’s in love with him and driving his ass crazy.

  When I get home from Hoover and she is in our room, I know I gots to get my ass to Joanne’s office and close the door because it’s the onliest place I can be alone. Not counting if Joanne’s there.

  Today Joanne’s not here. I don’t know where she’s at but I hope she gets back soon. She always lets me sit here and talk to her and help her with things. Joanne asked one time why don’t I do my homework, so I tell her I don’t got no homework. And she asked what kind of high school they sending me to and I don’t have any homework? And I tell her the truth. I go to cripple school. You don’t get no homework in cripple school. She said how you children gonna learn? and I said I wish they did give homework because then I’d have something to do. Joanne said she wishes she could give me a job with the filing but all the papers she has is confidential. Sometimes when she’s not there I’ll dust her desk or her shelfs or clean out her garbage or anything I can think to do.

  Maybe I’ll leave her a note.

  “Dear Joane I am leaving this note for you. I tried to read the Plume serpent. It was boreing. I miss you. Sincerly xxxxoooo Yessie.”

  And I drew hearts all over the place.

  Teddy Dobbs

  Beverly’s supposed to get me up today. Usually Beverly’s not here on Fridays but Vicky’s sick and Toya quit. Beverly said they ain’t gonna get a new person ’cause they’re cutting back and I heard her and Anthony and Vicky all talking about how mad they was ’cause they don’t got enough help and now they got more of us they gotta take care of.

  I’m glad I got Beverly today because she and me get along perfect and me and Vicky—even though she’s new, we already don’t get along so good. She told Fantasia she wouldn’t never get a job because she was retarded. That’s not nice to say and I’m against the R-word. I put Vaseline on her cigarettes.

  Beverly asked was it okay with me if she got me up last because they was running real late. She said they didn’t have enough houseparents today and she thought maybe if she left me to be the last person on her list I wouldn’t mind because I might like a little extra time in my bed. I told her that was fine with me. I didn’t sleep much last night anyway. Also I got lots of cool stuff to think about like how Mia and me is in love again and how we’re gonna get married and we’ll live in my new apartment.

  Bernard’s long gone because he can get his own self up. He got his arms and when you got your arms you don’t really need your legs for much. I got my arms enough to do some stuff, like eat and write and all that, but Bernard can sit himself up in bed and pull on his pants and socks and get in his chair by himself.

  By the time Beverly gets to my room to get me up, I had went back to sleep again. I must be the last guy on the whole floor ’cause it’s quiet. I guess everybody is at breakfast or school or someplace. Beverly says it’s her son’s birthday and I say how old is he and she says eleven. She gets me up out my bed and sticks me in a shower chair. She says that she is tired and can’t wait to get home and relax her feet but she’s still gotta cook her son’s favorite dinner. I says how I’m wide awake from all that extra sleep I got and she says it took her a long time to get to me because she had to get three extra kids up that day because one of the houseparents for the little kids’ floor hurt her back, so Anthony had to spend part of his time up there. She thanks me for being so patient and I says it ain’t no big deal and I’m wavy-gravy and she says she’s glad I am. She rolls me into the hallway and we start going to the shower room down the hall. I say, “Hey, Beverly, did you hear about me and Mia?” and she says she sure did hear about it and oh, boy, isn’t that the best news. She says she knew we’d get back together because we was like two peas in a pod and I say I know. I say, “You’re invited to the wedding. And we ain’t inviting all the houseparents, just the ones we really like,” and Beverly says, “Oh my gosh, I’m gonna have to find somet
hing pretty to wear.” When we get to the shower room I’m the only guy in there. I like it empty because you get more hot water that way.

  She has to run out for a second to call her husband to make sure did he get the birthday cake and she says she’ll be right back and I says that’s okay with me. She turns on the water and runs out. First thing I notice is the water is hot. I know I said I like hot water but the water is real hot. Bernard always says how the water in here has two temperatures—freeze or burn. I yell out for Beverly but she don’t hear me. I yell out for anyone because I see my skin on my hip and my leg getting all red and I try to move my shower chair but it has little wheels at the bottom and I can’t get at ’em and even if I could I probably couldn’t push. It feels like there’s fire coming outta the shower top. I keep screaming for someone to come get me. I try to push myself, push real hard on my balance to push myself out the shower chair, and finally I do feel myself falling and then I’m on the floor. They got a hard floor there, so it should’ve hurt, but right away I feel better. Ain’t that funny? I didn’t even feel hurt by landing on the hard floor. I feel a little sleepy then but I think I’m probably still in the water a little bit because my foot and leg feel hot, so I know I better get away from it. I crawl away. I think I did, because I didn’t feel burny anymore. I never knew I could crawl like that. I’m stronger than I thought. I saw this show once and they had a guy on it and his son was stuck under a car and even though the guy was just average, he was so worked up that he lifted the car right up so he could save his son and he did.

  I feel nice and warm. Not hot but just comfortable. There’s some blood going down the drain and I know it’s mine but I ain’t worried because it ain’t much.

  Then I could hear people in the hall making noise. I ask this girl if they found me and she says yes. I tell her I got burned and she says I’m gonna be okay. I can’t see anybody’s face because I’m facing down. I hear a guy on a loudspeaker. It’s Louie. It can’t be Louie because he’s suspended and the girl is there and she says, “You’re gonna be okay,” and I say, “Am I bleeding?” and she says, “Not too bad,” and I say, “Did you call my dad?” and she says something and I say, “Did Beverly’s husband get the cake?” and then I can’t remember.

  Next time I wake up I’m cold. I’m in a hospital. I ain’t surprised. One of my legs hurts real bad. I open up my eyes and I must be on my side because I can see the floor next to my bed and I see Mia’s feet in her footrests and one of her shoelaces is untied. Hey, Mia! Somebody’s yelling and Mia’s foot goes away and I know this is real and I know I’m me, so I know I’m gonna be okay. I hope they ain’t yelling at Mia. They might think I’m still mad but that’s all done.

  Next time I wake up it’s real loud. I got a machine in my mouth and my whole body’s going up and down, up and down, and I ain’t doing it. It’s the machine. It’s a vent. Michael Jackson has a vent. It kinda hurts but I don’t know if it’s the vent that hurts or something else. Can I have some pain meds? Can I have some pain meds? Dad? Dad, my back hurts and my neck. And my legs. Is my dad here? Fuck this!

  Then I see a nurse. Finally! Where you been? She says, “How are you?” And I say—but then I remember I can’t talk. All this time I thought I was talking but I was dreaming. The nurse is real and I wanna say how bad it hurts and I want my dad. And then my dad comes, so maybe I did say it. And he pets my forehead and my hair and he’s crying and smiling all at the same time. Then the nurse says, “This will help him with the pain.”

  Next time I wake up I’m real tired. I can’t open my eyes up. I’m trying to but it don’t work. Somebody’s holding my hand. It’s my dad.

  Next time I’m awake all I can hear is the machine making me breathe. It’s too loud. My dad says I love you Teddy. I love you too Dad. I love you so much. Tell Mia I love her. Tell her I say bye. Tell her she’s my hot Mexican mama.

  I’m gonna go to sleep in this bed. It feels like being in a soft black cloud.

  It ain’t how I thought it would be.

  Yessenia Lopez

  At Teddy’s funeral there was pictures of him when he was a little baby and then a little boy like five years old on up. All the way to now. And do you know that boy started up dressing in a suit back when he was a itty-bitty child? I said to Mr. Dobbs, “Mr. Dobbs, how old is Teddy in that picture and is my eyes deceiving me or is he wearing a suit already?” and Mr. Dobbs says, “He was eight years old in that picture.” The boy definitely had his own style. If you can call it that.

  I told Mr. Dobbs, “Teddy loved you very much, he told me alla the time,” and he started crying right in front of me even though I was making it up that Teddy said that but I think he would have said it if the subject had came up. Just burst down crying like his heart was broke. I said, “It’s okay, Mr. Dobbs, it’s okay.” But I know it’s not okay and it don’t matter what I say or what anybody say.

  Beverly and her husband sat all the way in the back row even though there was about fifty empty rows between them and everybody else. I didn’t want to say hello to her because I was afraid Mr. Dobbs would see me and he’d get mad. The ambulance people said Beverly was most likely only gone for two or three minutes and that’s all it took for Teddy to get burned. Later I saw Joanne was sitting next to Beverly and they was talking. It made me think. In a way it must be worse to kill somebody and it be a accident than for that person to just die from being sick. You might be just as sad as anyone that the person is passed? But everybody hates you ’cause it’s your fault he’s dead. And no matter how hard you pray to go back to those two minutes or whatever and do them again? You can’t. And nobody knows how sorry you feel.

  But Mia was worse of all. The girl could not stop crying and crying her eyes out. They had to give her pills to make her sleep last night. The girl is a wreck. Just when she started back feeling kinda normal. I feel so bad for her but at the same time I wanna tell her to stop crying and shut up for two minutes put together but then I remind myself what a hot mess I was when Tía died, so I decided it’d be best to keep my distance so I don’t bust out with something nasty by accident.

  After the priest gave his sermon and blessed everybody he asked did anybody want to come up there and say anything about Teddy. Nobody said nothing at first and then Mrs. Phoebe got up and walked to the microphone and started in talking bullshit about how everybody at ILLC gonna miss Teddy and that Teddy is a part of our ILLC “family” and how bad she miss him and I almost hurtled up my breakfast right then and there and then she went back to her pew and sat her fat ass down.

  It was Tuesday but we didn’t have to go to school on the account of Teddy’s funeral which I bet made Teddy happy from up in heaven if he was paying attention. Ricky drove some of us that went to the funeral back to ILLC. Jimmie couldn’t go ’cause they made her work but Joanne was in the bus with us because they let her offa her job to go to the funeral. Joanne don’t believe there’s a God. She really don’t believe it. I says, “So you don’t believe there’s a heaven?” and she says, “Nope. Or hell.” And I says, “Well, where you think Teddy’s at right now?” And she says, “I think he’s nowhere. He died and now he doesn’t exist anymore except when we think about him and remember what he meant to us.” I says, “So he’s just dead.” And she says, “Yes.” And I says, “You think when you die you’re just gonna be dead?” And she says, “Yes. I think everybody’s going to be just dead someday.” So I says, “That’s depressing. Who told you that?” She says, “Do you think cows and lizards and insects and fish go to heaven?” and I says, “They don’t got souls,” and she says, “What’s a soul?”

  Whatever. I know there is a higher power up there somewhere because it makes sense. How else did alla us get here? And I know Tía Nene is watching down on me. There’s only one good thing about not believing in God which is you don’t never have to worry about going to hell but I never do worry about that anyway. Well, sometimes I do. Sometimes I do when I do something really, really bad. Like the time I stole
five dollars out of Tía Nene’s purse and she caught me and held my hands over the hot stove to teach me a lesson but it didn’t really work even though that fire hurt like hell. I never did steal again from Tía Nene though. Just other people.

  And the times I got jiggy with the CDT driver. One of them guys who takes the disabled from your door to whatever other door you have to go to. I don’t feel like I gots to go to hell from that because it wasn’t too serious. He was married and I was only fourteen, so it’s not like it was going anywhere.

  If anyone’s in heaven it’s Teddy.

  I ask Joanne, “If I believe in God and you don’t, do it mean we can’t be friends no more?” and she says, “Only if a booming voice from the sky yells down that we can’t.” Ricky laughed but I didn’t appreciate it.

  Ree Ree was in school because she didn’t get to go to the funeral. She didn’t hardly know Teddy. So when I got back to ILLC I could just go to my room and have it all to myself. I put on my pink top that says “Baby Girl” on the front and I put on different eye makeup because mine got messed up from crying. I want to look good in case they got cameras. I put on some red, red lipstick that I’m keeping for Cheri when she comes back if she does. I had a valentine Mia gave me that I saved up and I stuck that in my fanny pack. I didn’t have nothing from Teddy or Pierre, so I wrote Teddy’s name on my arm and put a heart around it and I wrote Pierre’s name on my other arm and drew a pencil like the one he stabbed Louie with. It didn’t look like a pencil that much but it was a pencil. I took three belts I found from the lost and found at Hoover and attached them one to the other and my lock from my locker and put ’em in my bag hanging offa my chair, and I got my sign I made from under my bed. Then I went down the elevator and out the door.