Good Kings Bad Kings

by Susan Nussbaum

  I felt bad telling Tim I was leaving since he’s going through such a hard time with the company and Whitney-Palm’s legal problems and everything. He said I had been a valued employee of Whitney-Palm and of his personally and he wished me the best of luck wherever my path in life will take me.

  You should see my apartment. I could apply for disaster relief. There’s clothes and dirty dishes all over the place. And old newspapers from weeks ago. I’m not usually a big newspaper person but ever since the article about Dr. Caviolini and the kickbacks that he and the other doctors were getting from all those unnecessary tests he ordered, I like to skim it in case there are follow-up articles. There was even a picture of him in handcuffs and the police were putting him in the police car but I heard he’s out on bail now. I put that picture on my refrigerator with my alphabet magnets spelling out CALL ME ROMAN.

  The FBI had Dr. Caviolini on tape. He said a lot of obnoxious stuff as usual. Like he said he had a product to sell and the product was nursing-home patients. He says it like he’s some kind of genius. I hope he has to go to jail. Forever. He made half a million dollars a year ordering fake tests as in tests they didn’t need for nursing-home people including children. And then the nursing-home operators kept part of the money and St. Theresa’s Hospital would keep part of the money and Dr. Caviolini and some other doctors who were in on it with him would keep part of the money. The money mostly came from Medicaid and Medicare, so everyone is really mad about fraud. But on the same page as the fraud article is a story about all these handicapped people who are mad because Illinois won’t pay for them to have an aide come visit in their houses. So they have to get put in nursing homes. So Medicaid is still going to pay nursing homes all this money but they won’t give it to people who don’t want to live in nursing homes. So everything stays the same anyway.

  And of course they’re saying Whitney-Palm got kickbacks too.

  Even though I have no memory of getting home from the bar, I remember waking up at five o’clock in the morning with another of my migraines. I did something then which I really don’t need to be lectured about. I just didn’t think I’d be able to sleep because my head ached so bad. And for some reason I had the idea that I had to work the next day and I still had to be recruiting new people. You know that feeling? So I took the twelve Dilaudid that I had left from getting my wisdom teeth out in February and the rest of that bottle of Xanax that I got from the Pfizer rep. I was actually pretty surprised when I woke up the next day. Or today, I mean.

  I have five weeks of vacation and sick time saved up, so I’ll be okay for money for about a month or more if I really cut back. I can probably get about eight or nine hundred for my car. Which I won’t need so much now that I’m off the career track.

  My mom is driving in to see me. She should be here by seven thirty or eight, so at some point I hope I can get it together to clean up. I’m really glad she’s coming. She said she wouldn’t even smoke in my apartment.

  Not that I won’t have a career someday. I just don’t want the kind of career where you have to do things that—whatever. That you don’t think you should do. If that’s possible.

  Mia Oviedo

  On Thursday I go see Connie. I call her Connie. She is my therapist. Every Thursday at two o’clock. I like her. She in the same office of the old therapist who was fire. Thas where we meet in. She got flowers everywhere. Purple orchids. Yellow ones, all differen’ color. I say, “Connie, you got a green thumb. A green thumb, you know?” She say, “It’s not me. They grow good because they like to be together.” Thas what she say. She wears big glasses and I can tell her anything I thinking about. Even if I not thinking of nothing, I can tell her about it.

  Mos’ of the time we talk about Teddy. I tell her the story of Teddy. About when I firs’ meet him. One day a long, long time ago Teddy come to ILLC. Right away Teddy was nice to me and always talking to me and he has many friends. Every day he wear a suit and he was handsome. When I see him I am always very happy. He ask me to be his girlfriend and I say yeah. And I tell Connie so many things. I tell her about when we hold hands alla the time, about Mr. Dobbs taking us to a restaurant for dinner and giving me presents. If I am sick? Teddy sit nex’ to my bed. He make me laugh alla the time. I tell her I was his hot Mexican mama and we laugh. Me and Connie.

  You know what Connie say? She say, “Teddy loved you very much. But I’m thinking about when you said you’re unlovable. Why do you think you’re unlovable?”

  I say, “I don’ know.”

  She say, “Can you think why?”

  I say, “I don’ know.”

  Connie say, “You sure?”

  I say, “Yeah.”

  Connie say, “Okay.”

  I say, “You think Teddy love me?”

  She say, “Of course I do. The way Teddy felt and acted toward you shows how much he loved you. You can allow yourself to know that and feel it. You made Teddy very happy. He depended on you too.”

  Then I cry. I think I cry too much. But Connie say is okay to cry.

  I ask Connie, “What I gonna do now Teddy is pass into the nex’ life? What I gonna do without him?”

  Then Connie say, “Now Teddy is gone, that doesn’t mean that feeling—of being loved—is gone. That feeling is not gone from the world. Okay?”

  When I leaf her office, first thing I thinking is alla the things I forget to ask her. And I go write everything I gonna ask her. Nex’ Thursday at two o’clock.

  On Wednesday and Friday I go to Access Now. After we protest at ILLC an’ eberything happen with that, Joanne say do I wanna go to Access Now. Before she get fire she say it. You not gonna belief alla the people work at that place. So many disable people. And they all working and busy and so nice. Now I go one time ebery Wednesday for the group to learn leadership, like learning to be leading. Las’ week we taking the bus to Springfiel’ to abdocate for rights for the disable people. The bus was so fun. I have one new frien’ name Gloria and another friend name Trina. Every day I making a new friend. And I go one day for Pepe. Pepe Garcia Campos teaching me to ride on the bus by myself. Thas his job at Access Now. One time a week for that. Pepe in a willchair too. I not kidding.

  Now I gotta ’lectric willchair. I love it! A pink one. I gotta sticker on the back. One of my friends gif me a big sticker and it say “Power to the People.” I like it.

  Sometimes I am doing something I like at Access Now and I think of Teddy. Alla sudden I just think of him. And I want him to be here so bad. I am so tire sometimes. I want to put my head down on his shoulder.

  Joanne gif me a present! Ricky gif it to me but he tol’ me is from Joanne. She gif me a big pink pack for to hang on my new willchair. With pockets and zippers. Ricky say to look in it an’ there’s a box there. In the box is a picture of me an’ Teddy. We look so happy in the picture, and I remember the day Joanne taked it. I ask Ricky can I call Joanne and Ricky say to look in the little pocket and there she gif me a paper with her name and number in real big letters so I could see. Ricky say she miss me. Joanne miss me. Wow. I’m overwhelming.

  I will show Connie my picture from Joanne. I read you my list for Connie. Thursday at two o’clock.

  I don wan tel abot the guy the bad one. i not redy thank you

  Place i wan to go on a bus

  A aparment for me I thinking mabe

  When my mami press on my eye with a spoon

  Yessenia Lopez

  I been busy.

  After I got famous from being on the TV with Marjorie Davies and Ramón Velarde that hot Ecuadorean from channel 26 and the Tribune newspaper that had a picture of me attached up to a tree what looked more like a bush, nothing happened. Okay, things happened? But to everybody else, not me. A whole bunch of people came to ILLC and they been opening everything and looking underneath everything and taking pictures of every damn thing too. Mrs. Phoebe looks like she’s gonna have a heart attack and Joanne got fired and Jimmie’s racing around like she’s being chased by the po-lice ’cau
se she’s training the new houseparents. She keeps saying how bad she has to talk to me like she’s got a big thing to tell me, so she’s probably quitting here ’cause she can’t stand it no more. And now Mia’s not ever here ’cause she gots her own wheelchair and she goes to Access Now whenever she wants and everybody there thinks she’s the Queen of Sheba. So now I got no Mia, no Joanne, no Cheri because she’s still in el manicomio, no Teddy because he’s dead, and maybe no Jimmie. Maybe no Jimmie. I just couldn’ take it no more, so I ran away.

  Don’t worry, I didn’t run away the stupid way, I ran away the smart way. First thing I did when Ricky dropped us youth off at Hoover today was get me a bus into downtown Chicago. Ricky always drops us a little ways away from the other buses on the account that half the youth from ILLC gots asthma and might fall over dead if they get too close to the stink coming offa the school buses. I couldn’t even walk inside a Hoover ’cause once you in? That’s it, you in. They keep every single door in that place locked up tight so no youth could escape. And they make you go through a metal detector or search you when you go in. Just in case you got a gun and a Special Need to go shoot a teacher or a youth or whoever. So I moved real slow till Ricky drove away and then I snuck as fast as I could to a bus stop a few blocks away and caught the first bus to the Chicago Loop. I have never been downtown and that is a damn shame. Born and raised up in a place and you never even been to downtown. I like it. For real. I saw the buildings from far away a lotta times, but up close and personal was awe-some. Everybody is walking real fast and wearing suits, even the females. And outside every building? There’s more people in suits smoking cigarettes. Every corner gots its own bum too. Lots of them are disable people. Some of them are hypes and some of ’em just look tore up.

  When I got downtown I took another bus to the Megabus station and bought a bus ticket to Milwaukee for five dollars. They all acted like they never saw a disable person trying to ride a bus before but they finally figured a way to make the ramp work and I got on and sat in the space they keep for wheelchairs. On the way to Milwaukee? I saw cows. And when I got to Milwaukee I called Pedro Nuñez my boyfriend I met on BlackPlanet and he came and picked me up after I waited on him for a hour. I didn’t mind ’cause I needed some time to go to the ladies’ and straighten my hair and do my face and put on my sexy new top I got at the Dollar Store that said “Come and Get Me” in gold glitter acrost my titties. I looked hot.

  When the boy finally showed up he looked a little bit younger than I thought, so I made him show me his driver’s license ’cause I wasn’t about to get in a strange male’s car without making sure he was the one he was suppose to be. When we got that settled he put my chair in his trunk and we went to McDonald’s and he bought me a egg ’n waffle sandwich and a Sprite and he had him a Big Mac and chocolate parfait. We stayed in the car to eat and I had a chance to look at him some more.

  First of all, he was kinda short. I was hoping he was gonna be taller. Like about a foot taller but he was still taller than me, so I guess it was okay. It was hard to believe the boy was twenty-one but I think that’s ’cause he shaved off his goatee he had in his picture on BlackPlanet and all he left was a little bitty patch of fuzz right under the middle of his bottom lip. It doesn’t bother me exactly? But it don’t ring any chimes either. I guess males think it’s sexy. He had dark brown hair, I think, but it was hard to know for sure ’cause it was short. Like shaved practically. You know what he looked like? A Indian. Like a cowboy-and-Indian kinda Indian. His skin was dark but it had some red in it but not like a sunburn red? It was like if he had long black hair with a feather in it, he’d’a looked just like an Indian. It just goes to show that even when they think they got everybody kilt off entirely, there is still a few gonna pop up here and there.

  He asked me about the bus ride and I said it was awright and he asked what I liked doing for fun and I said I barely ever had no fun so I didn’t know and he said that was too bad and did I like to party and I said it depended on what he meant by party and he said that was a cute top I was wearing and just about when I said I was glad he thought so, he put his parfait cup down in the cup holder by the ashtray and pounced on me and kissed me. But it wasn’t really a kiss, it was more like he hit me on the lip with his face ’cause he jumped on me so fast. I’m lucky I didn’t lose a tooth. I yelled at him to get the fuck offa me and I yelled it again and then I poured the rest of my Sprite on his head and he backed off. I said, “What’re you trying to do, get jiggy in the McDonald’s parking lot? Are you stupid?” He said didn’t I like sex and I said I thought so until he hit my face with his fat head and he said you didn’t have to pour that shit on my head and I said I was sorry but he didn’t give me no choice and he said let’s get outta here and I said where we going and he said my place.

  Right about then I got scared. I seen a lotta shows about females being kidnapped and had all kindsa horrible things done to them. Maybe I should push open my window and scream for help, but then he said, “I guess I didn’t expect you to be so cute,” and I felt better. That sounded more like he did when we chatted online. I opened my window but I didn’t scream.

  Milwaukee is different. It don’t look like Chicago too much but you could kinda tell it’s supposed to be a sort of city. There were a few tall buildings you could see that must be like the city-looking part of Milwaukee. Where we was driving? Was more in the “where people live” area. When we got to his place it didn’t look too bad from the outside. It had a lawn but the grass was too long and messed up and there was weeds all over. I said, “Is this whole house yours?” He said just the first floor. I said, “Is the door accessible?” and he said, “Yeah, I guess,” and I said, “What you think ‘accessible’ means?” and he said, “Like you can get to it,” and I said, “Just get my chair out the trunk. You’re gonna have to get me up those stairs.”

  His apartment was a hot mess. It looked like he didn’t wash his floor since before the Flood. The living room was bigger than Tía Nene’s and my whole apartment together but I could see from where I was sitting I couldn’t get in his bathroom. I asked him if he had another one and he said no. He asked me couldn’t I get in there and I said no and he said I can help you and I said I could do it myself but I didn’t need the bathroom now anyway. He went in his kitchen and brought out some beer and Cheetos and asked did I wanna watch some TV and I said okay.

  He sat down on his couch what was all purple velvet but real ratty looking like he picked it up out of a alley. A brown stripe cat jumped on him and he started petting all over it and said, “You need help getting in the couch or you wanna stay there?”

  “Does your cat bite?”

  “No. She don’t bite.”

  So I wheeled over there and transferred onto the couch. The stripe cat came near me and started in sniffing. I said, “He sure is getting personal fast. I guess you taught him.”

  “She’s a girl.”

  “What’s it called?”

  “Gatita.”

  “That’s original.”

  “You were nicer online.”

  “So were you,” I said.

  He shrugged and said, “You like soccer?”

  “It’s awright.”

  So we watched soccer and drank beer. I liked the beer. He kept going to the fridge and bringing back more of ’em too. The more beer I drank the more Cheetos I ate and those was the best Cheetos I ever tasted. We started having a better time. He really was pretty cute. He had white teeth, like white white, and dimples when he smiled and even when he barely smiled. He told me about soccer which I already knew about because hello, I’m Puerto Rican, but that’s okay. He said what team we were rooting for and in between that we just talked a little bit or watched commercials. The only thing was after all that beer I really had to use the ladies’.

  I transferred up into my chair and I almost lost my grip. He said, “Where you going?” and I said, “The bathroom” and he said, “Let me help you,” and I said “I’ll be okay,” and he sa
id, “I could help,” and I said “I’ll call you if I need to but I’ll be awright.”

  I was drunk. This was only my second time. The first time was when I was eleven and Tía Nene made coquito and when I got home from summer school one day I was real, real thirsty ’cause it was summer and it was hot, you know? An’ I was so hot and thirsty and when I opened the fridge I saw the coquito and it looked so good and I had it before a lotta times but never very much, you know? Coquito has rum and coconut and sugar and all kinda stuff like that and Tía Nene wasn’t home at the time ’cause she was still able to work then, so I had me a little sip but it was so, so good that I ended up drinking almost the whole thing. When I was eleven I only used my wheelchair part of the time, not all of the time because I used to use crutches more then? And I had my crutches that day. And I went into the bathroom, I guess, and when Tía Nene got home she found me passed out headfirst in the laundry hamper. That’s what she said and I believe it ’cause I had to clean alla that coquito throw-up out from the bottom of the hamper and I had to clean the whole house for the next month. She was really mad at first but we ended up telling that story over and over again and laughing our ass off.

  So I knew from the feeling I had when I drank the coquito that I was pretty drunk again offa those three beers. And the only way I was getting my ass on that toilet was if I transferred down to the floor, scooched over, and pulled myself up to the toilet. I was doing okay till I got to pulling myself up and started feeling like when I moved my head, the rest of the room started swinging around with it. I tried not moving my head and it helped but not enough. It’s hard not moving your head. Damn. What was his name again?

  “Hey! You! Hey! Dimples!”

  When he came to the door he helped me to sit myself up on the toilet and got out the room so I could pull my chonies down and pee.

  I have to say something now. I am sixteen years old and I am sick of being a virgin. That’s all I’m saying.