“Who says I’m leading him on?” Jay feigned innocence. Because there was no way in hell he was the angel he pretended to be right then. “I asked him to bring me a cigar.”
Sure enough, Brent returned moments later with the cigar. “Is there anything else I can get for you?”
“No, thank you,” Jay responded, amping up his charm as he winked at the kid. “But I’ll let you know if that changes.”
Annoyance—more than likely combined with my desire for him—drove me to stand from my chair and go over to plop down in the other one at his table. “Enough of the games,” I said, pointing my cigar at him.
Though it was brief, shock flashed in his eyes, as though he wasn’t used to anyone taking charge. The cool exterior returned almost instantly. “Games? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I turned you down and you can’t handle it, so you’re flirting with someone else to irritate me.”
Damn him and that stupid gleam of mischief in his green eyes. “If you aren’t interested in me, why does it irritate you, Mr. Barnett?”
“Cut the crap. You damn well know I’m into you.”
“I know you are.” Jay leaned forward and grabbed my cigar even though he had his own, taking a drag off it before handing it back to me, his gaze unwavering to mine. It was probably the hottest thing I’d ever seen, and the wires in my brain fizzled for a moment. “I just wanted you to admit it.”
“Why? To inflate your already massive ego?”
When he smiled again, it took all the willpower I had not to leap across the table, grab him by the collar of his shirt, and… I didn’t even know. Punch him? Kiss him? Jay Foley drove me crazy in every way possible.
“Hey, you’re the one who approached me tonight,” he responded. “I said I wouldn’t bother you again, and I meant it.” That infuriating smirk returned. “And here you are, seeking me out instead.”
“I didn’t seek you out. We happened to be in the same place, so I wanted to be polite. I can see now I shouldn’t have bothered.”
“What do you say—” Jay leaned forward on the table, bringing that magnetic attraction closer and drawing me in. “—we take this conversation somewhere more private?”
I can’t give in to him.
I scoffed. “Why? So you can try to seduce me? Hate to break it to you, but your charms won’t work on me. I see right through you, Mr. Foley.” I dabbed my cigar on the ashtray to put it out. “I won’t be another notch on your bedpost no matter how hard you try.”
“We’ll see about that.” The challenge sparked in his eyes.
“You’re insufferable.”
“And you’re like a block of ice I’m goin’ to have so much fun melting down.”
“We’ll see about that,” I said, echoing his words from earlier. I stood and adjusted my hat. “I’d tell you to have a good night, but frankly, I don’t give a damn if you do or not.”
“Ouch,” Jay said, putting a hand to his chest. “That cut deep.”
“I’m sure you’ll find someone here who’ll help you forget all about that fake pain in your heart.”
Jay puffed on his cigar, his eyes fixed on mine, before exhaling the smoke and tilting his head up to me. The action drew my attention to his pale throat. “Why are you so cruel?”
Because of men like you.
“It’s not cruel to call you out on your shit,” I answered. “I have better things to do than stand here and debate it.”
“I thought you were leaving.”
“I am,” I said with a huff.
“In that case…” He inhaled more smoke before expelling it into the air. “Spokoynoy nochi.”
“Was that Russian?” I asked, baffled. He’d managed to knock me off-kilter.
“Perhaps.”
“I didn’t know you spoke Russian,” I said, unable to move from my spot even though I should’ve left long ago.
“I bet you didn’t know I could also tie the stem of a cherry into a knot with my tongue,” Jay responded with a cool confidence I could never master. “But you’re leaving, so I suppose there’s a lot you’ll never know. Good night, Mr. Barnett.”
I stormed away without another word, trying to force away the image of his tongue tying cherry-knots. Fuckin’ hell. I was sure that tongue could do so many wicked things that would make me lose my head. My dick twitched at the thought, and a longing ache burrowed in my ass.
Yep. It’s definitely been too long since I’ve been good and fucked.
If only I could pick up random guys for one-night stands and actually enjoy it. I mean, I’d had a few hookups in the past, but I always felt so empty afterward. Casual sex didn’t appeal to me like it did most other guys.
I wanted a connection. Commitment.
Romance.
Which is exactly why I’ll always be alone.
With that depressing thought, I headed home.
Chapter 5
Jay
“Look at you,” Andrew said, grabbing my face and lifting it to his. “Young and so damn beautiful.” His fingers dug deeper as he squeezed. “Who have you been kissing with these lips? Lips that are mine.”
“No one.”
Tighter, still, he held my jaw, my neck creaking as he jerked my head up and kissed me. He tasted like cheap whiskey and cinnamon.
“That’s right,” he said after breaking away. “No one but me. Say it.”
“No one but you,” I repeated.
“Good.” Andrew pulled at his tie, his wedding ring catching the light. A ring that proved he belonged to someone else. I hated it. “Now get on your knees and show me what’s mine.”
I jerked awake, the sheet clinging to my sweaty chest. I hadn’t dreamed of Andrew in a long time. He was a part of my past I had tossed in a chest in the back of my mind and slammed the top shut.
What had jostled the lock on that lid, stirring up old memories?
Maybe it was Remi’s fault. He reminded me of myself in a way. Well, the me before I’d said screw it and started doing whatever I wanted in regards to sex and relationships. He kept his guard up but still had some hope in his eyes. It was so damn obvious Remi had been hurt by someone before—maybe several people. He lusted after me but refused to act on that lust.
Not that I could blame him. If he had been hurt in the past, I was the last person he should get involved with.
I’d taken my heartache and changed everything about myself because of it. I’d created life rules: fuck like it’s my last day on this earth, and never get attached. Because emotions were complicated, and I’d had enough complications in my life.
A paw pressed to my arm, and I looked over to see Sputnik with his front leg stretched out, his eyes barely open.
“Dobroe utro.” Good morning. He purred but stayed in place. “Fine. I’ll come to you, lazy thing.”
I snuggled into his orange fur and gave him kisses before getting out of bed. I glanced at the date on my phone and saw it was Groundhog Day. That little bastard better not see his shadow. I wanted an early spring.
One look in my refrigerator and I knew a trip to the grocery store was in my future that Sunday. The thing was bare.
“Please have coffee at least,” I muttered as I went to check the can by the coffee machine. Not even enough to make half a pot. “Dammit. Don’t give me that look,” I told Sputnik as I turned and saw him sitting by his empty bowl. “I have food for you. I’m the only one who will starve.” He gave a slow blink. Then another. “Fine.”
I grabbed a can of his food and fed him before taking a shower. I’d wanted to have a day at home, but responsibilities demanded otherwise. After checking the weather and seeing it would be low fifties and rainy, I dressed in jeans and a hoodie and left the house.
“Damn you, Mother Nature,” I cursed as the chilly wind pierced my face when I got out of my car at the café down the street from where I lived.
The chill deep in my bones, though, was caused by my dream from the night before. Andrew had had
his faults—cheating on his wife with one of his college students and having a controlling tendency to name a few—but through it all, I had truly believed I’d loved him.
Looking back now, I think I had loved the idea of him more. But when you’re young and inexperienced, you’d make yourself believe anything.
“Good morning, handsome,” Sue greeted me once I entered the café. She was a waitress in her forties, so not much older than me, but she spoiled me rotten as if I was her favorite grandchild, often giving me free slices of pie. “You better be sitting in my section.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I went over to a table beside the window. The plan that day was to eat breakfast and then grocery shop, so I jotted down a list of things I needed in the notes app on my phone as I waited for her to come over.
“Can I get you a cup of coffee?” she asked, once making her way to my table. The café was busy for it being a cold and rainy Sunday morning.
“Please. I’ll also have the breakfast platter.” I didn’t need a menu.
“With extra bacon and eggs cooked medium?”
“Why, Sue, you flatter me,” I said with a smile.
“You order the same thing every time you’re here, handsome.” With the coffee carafe she held in one hand, she filled a cup and slid it over to me. “I’ll be right back with your creamer.”
After she returned with the bowl of individual creams, I thanked her and doctored my coffee before taking that heavenly first sip. Feeling eyes on me, I looked to the left.
Daniel, the fitness instructor I’d banged a while back, quickly averted his eyes and focused on the pretty blonde woman in front of him. She reached across the table and put her hand over his, a warm smile on her face.
I looked away and sipped more coffee.
It was all too common for me to sleep with closeted men. Didn’t bother me any. It meant they wouldn’t want more than sex. I felt sorry for many of them, though. Living in such a conservative area made it hard for men like me to be out and proud, especially if they worked with the public. There were some who were out, like me and Emery and several others I’d met over the years. But it was far from an easy road.
Even with my high standing in the community and the respect I’d earned as a prosecutor, I still got hate messages and came across small-minded people who protested my position.
When Daniel looked back at me, his brow creased with worry lines and his eyes filled with a longing I understood all too well, I gave a small nod and turned my attention to the rain hitting the pavement outside the window.
***
“Foster will be fine,” I said to Ivan the following Friday evening. “He’s fourteen and perfectly capable of not burning the house down for one night. Now, put on your best fuckboy clothes and come out with your older brother.”
“Fuckboy clothes?” Ivan shook his head. “I’m not sure this is a good idea, Jay. I haven’t been out in… god. I can’t even remember when.”
“Which is why you need to come with me tonight,” I insisted. “You can’t stay home and mope forever. Believe me. That shit gets old after a while.”
After a long week of work, I needed a night out. Emery was taking Cason on a weekend getaway to Eureka Springs, so I couldn’t ask him. And truth be told, I didn’t have many friends. Emery and Ivan were pretty much the only ones I had.
“Please, Vanya,” I said, using the affectionate form of his name in hopes of getting my way. I inwardly cheered when seeing his defeated expression.
“Zhopa.”
“Why are you calling me an ass?” I asked, following him down the hall as he walked to his room.
“You know why.”
“Going out is good for you,” I said, leaning against the doorframe and watching him sort through his closet. “Plus, you’ll be with me. It’ll be an awesome brother-bonding night out.”
“You mean a night where I watch you pick up men while I sit in the corner like a miserable lump on a log.”
I laughed and approached him. We nearly stood eye to eye, with him just a tad shorter. “I promise I won’t. Scout’s honor.”
“You were a Boy Scout for all of three days, and then you got kicked out,” Ivan said, his eyes narrowing. “Your honor means nothing to me.”
“Get dressed before I kick your ass. That’s an order, Marine.”
“Dad, I’ll be okay by myself,” Foster said, walking into the bedroom. The little eavesdropper. “Go out with Uncle Jay and have fun. Please?”
Ivan’s expression softened when seeing his son, and the fight left him. “Okay. But if you need anything or if something happens, you call me right away.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll practice my bass clarinet and probably order a pizza.”
I had bought Foster the instrument and brought it over a few days ago. Ivan had been pissed at me for it, but after seeing how excited Foster was to have it, he’d backed off and thanked me. Of course, he said he’d pay me back even after I’d told him not to worry about it.
An hour and three outfit changes later, Ivan and I were in my car and heading toward Garrison Avenue.
“You’re worse than a woman,” I said, referring to his many wardrobe changes.
“I wanted to look nice.”
“Stop primping in the mirror.”
Ivan scoffed, closed the mirror on the visor, and sat back in his seat. I couldn’t blame him for his nerves, though.
Unlike me, he had never been one to hit up bars on the weekend and go clubbing. His whole life had been about serving his country, and yeah, I was sure he’d gone drinking with the other Marines in his company during training and whatnot, but he’d also married Megan not long after joining the Corps, and my brother was loyal to a fault. He would’ve never gone out, gotten shitfaced, and hooked up with another girl while in a committed relationship. And he wouldn’t have gone out with his buddies if their aim was to pick up girls either.
He’s such a better man than me.
“Are you ever goin’ to tell me about Megan?” I asked, seeing him tense from the corner of my eye. “I’ve shut my mouth about it for the past six months. Gotta give me points for being patient this long.”
Ivan was silent a moment, his gaze fixated on the buildings we passed. “She left me. That’s all there is to say.”
“But what about Foss? I can’t believe she gave you full custody and let you move out of state with no fight.”
“She loves Foster,” Ivan responded, finally looking at me. Maybe it was the trick of lighting, but his eyes looked a bit glassy. “She asked him what he wanted, and he said he wanted to live with me, so she let him. She moved too.”
I stopped at the red light, tapping a finger on the steering wheel. “Where did she move?”
“New York,” he answered. “She met some photographer during one of her weekend trips there with her friends. Last I heard, she moved in with him and they’re engaged now.”
“Seriously? So soon after the divorce?”
“She’s been seeing this guy for over a year, Jay,” Ivan answered. “Long before I knew. Fuck. I guess part of me did know, or at least suspected, but I refused to think about it. Just kind of put it in the back of my mind like I do everything else.”
Everything else. Meaning, all the nightmares in his head from his years in the military.
“So she had an affair,” I said, my chest tightening. My brother deserved so much better.
“Yeah. Guess I couldn’t give her what she wanted.” Ivan turned his face toward the window. “After my injury, things changed between us. I was so angry. Depressed. I think I pushed her away.”
“Bullshit. She chose to go. You didn’t push her to do anything. Stop blaming yourself, Vanya. That damn shluha.”
“Don’t call her a whore, Jay. She’s still the mother of my son and deserves more respect than that.”
“Sorry.” When the light turned green, I drove forward a ways and managed to snag a spot on the street where someone had just pulled out of.
Ivan c
ontinued sitting in place even after I’d taken off my seat belt and opened the car door. “I should probably go home,” he said. “I’ll be miserable company tonight.”
“Like hell you are. Being alone is the last thing you need. Come on.” I nudged his arm. “Pozhalsta?”
Please.
“Okay.” Ivan nodded and got out of the car. He limped a bit as he joined me on the sidewalk. His new artificial leg wouldn’t be ready for weeks. “Just a few drinks.”
“You got it.”
Wanting a place where we could drink but still be able to talk—so nowhere frequented mostly by younger crowds who got rowdy and blared loud music—I’d taken him to the 906. A pretty dumb move on my part because right when we walked through the door, I made eye contact with Remi.
He sat at the piano, playing a slow song. The rest of the band wasn’t with him, and the music sounded a little different. Had more of a romantic feel than a jazz one. Christ, he looked good. He wasn’t wearing a hat that night, instead having his black hair classically styled in a shorter on the side, longer on top look. His clothes were less quirky street musician and more black-tie affair—I liked both styles on him.
He looked away first.
“Pick any place you like and I’ll be right with you,” Brent said to me, smiling as he gave Ivan the up-down.
Oh, baby boy. You are so barking up the wrong tree.
Ivan was as straight as they came.
“Nice place,” Ivan said, surveying the room. “Kind of fancy.”
I heard what he wasn’t saying: this place is expensive. He was always worrying about money.
“Well, I got the tab tonight,” I said, clapping him on the back. “Order some fancy drinks and shut the hell up.”
Seeing that my usual seat was taken, I led him to a set of plushy chairs near the front patio. One of the chairs gave a perfect view of the stage where Remi was performing. A perfect distraction was more like it. I sat in the other one and had the stage at my back. Problem solved.
I had hoped my desire for Remi would fade over time, but it hadn’t. He was the one man I couldn’t have, and it made me want him even more. I was obsessed. So much so that I hadn’t fucked anyone in about two weeks.
His Surrender Page 5
