Bad Husband

by Shey Stahl

  “Why are these cookies shaped like rats?”

  Madison hands me a white rat cookie. “Because it’s a reptile and rodent party.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s a theme, Ridley,” she says like I know nothing about birthday parties. Mostly because I don’t. “I hired this lady named Dee, The Reptile and Rodent Lady.

  I snort. “Her name is Dee, The Reptile and Rodent Lady?”

  “Yes. She’s really popular with the kids. We’re lucky I was able to book her.”

  Lucky huh? I don’t feel so lucky as I stare down at the rat-shaped cookie with cinnamon drops for his eyes and black licorice for the tail.

  I don’t like rodents of any kind. When I was about Callan’s age, my mom thought it would be a good idea to get me a pet. Since divorcing my dad and not having a man around most of the time, she wanted to teach me some responsibility. I was all for it because, at seven, everything seems like a good idea.

  Well not long after this talk about getting a pet, I come home from school and there’s a small cage sitting on my dresser in my bedroom. Needless to say, I was beyond excited. I had plans for this pet. I didn’t know what it was, but it was going to be awesome.

  As I walked up to the cage expecting a lizard or even cooler, a snake, I was hugely disappointed to find nothing in the cage. My mom came out of her room at that moment and had a huge smile on her face. I looked at her like “what the hell are you smiling at?”

  “Hey, babe, I didn’t hear you get home. What do you think of your new pet?”

  “Um, Mom, there’s nothing in there.”

  She stared at the cage, curiously looking around it. “What? Oh no. It must have gotten out. Crap. The pet store clerk said that could happen. Well, we’ll just have to keep our eyes out for it and put it back in the cage. It’ll show up eventually. Everything has to eat sometime, right? We’ll just leave a bowl of food out next to the cage in your room tonight.”

  This was my mother’s logic. It’ll show up sometime. And I’m the one who needed to learn responsibility?

  “Mom, I don’t even know what I’m keeping an eye out for?” I asked, hoping she’d give me a clue.

  “It’s a guinea pig.”

  Somewhat disappointed I didn’t get a lizard, I stood there for a second not really knowing what to do next. Did I start to look for it or did I just wait for it to come to me? This was all unchartered territory for me, so I decided that I would keep an eye out but wait and see.

  After dinner, Zeke—the name I decided to give my new pet—still hadn’t shown up. When I asked my mom if she thought maybe he got out or what we were gonna do if he didn’t show up, she reassured me it would all work out. After all, it had to be getting hungry so it would probably start looking for food. Satisfied with her answer, I just went to sleep.

  Sometime in the middle of the night, I felt a weight on my chest. When I opened my eyes to see what it was, there he was, my new pet, Zeke, staring at me. My mom didn’t tell me Zeke was an albino guinea pig. Have you ever seen an albino guinea pig? They’re pure white with blood-red eyes. BLOOD-RED EYES! Like the fucking devil. Seeing how it was in the middle of the night, and I had just been woken up by the Satan of guinea pigs sitting on my chest, I wasn’t exactly calm in my next move.

  Jumping out of bed, I sent it flying through the air, and it landed on the floor. Scared of me I guess, he got up on his back to feet and started making this squealing noise that only scared me more so then I started screaming and ran into my mom’s room while Zeke took off under my bed.

  I see no cuteness in a rodent, nor do I understand what would possess a sane person to think any sort of rodent would make a good pet. They’re gross and their eyes glow red in just the right light. As a general assessment, I usually steer clear of anyone with red eyes. Animals included.

  “So what exactly does this Dee the Rat Lady do?” I ask, pushing the cookie away from me.

  Madison rolls her eyes and continues to put out all the reptile and rodent-themed party shit she must have picked up this week. I look at the wall. Pin the tail on the rat? Seriously?

  Fanning out black napkins, she perfects her arrangements on the table. “It’s Dee The Reptile and Rodent Lady,” she says, correcting me. “And she brings over an assortment of snakes and like mice or something. I’m not really sure, but she’s who Callan wanted.”

  I’m actually surprised by this based on our conversations about Ukraine lately. I thought for sure he’d want a party based on nuclear reactors or some crazy science project.

  Madison finishes what she’s doing and looks at me. “He’s really excited you’re here for this.”

  I fight the urge to sigh and roll my eyes. “I’ve been at every one of his birthday parties, Madison.”

  Her expression is sharp and accessing. “Have you? Have you actually been here or standing next to your buddies drinking beer while the kids play and I cook and take care of everything?”

  Did she slap me in the face because it certainly feels that way?

  My gaze moves to Callan outside with his friends, and I realize she’s right.

  DEE IS EXACTLY what you would expect a woman who makes a living playing with snakes and rodents to look and act. She’s dressed straight out of Crocodile Dundee movies, complete with the khaki shorts, matching shirt, and knee-high socks paired with boots and a desert hat. You know the kind that has flaps that cover your neck, so you don’t get burned as you cross the vast plains of Phoenix? Yeah well, she’s wearing that right now, in my house, out of the sun.

  She also can’t stop talking about all her adventures trapping rats and mice. Apparently, aside from her lucrative gig as a party host, Dee is a rodent trapper. “If you think you have a rodent problem, don’t wait and see, just call Dee.”

  That’s her slogan. Catchy, isn’t it? What? Not impressed? Me either.

  This woman literally makes a living out of my worst nightmare. She and I will never be friends.

  The kids are having a great time though. Callan and the other kids are completely taken with Dee and her tales of snakes and mice.

  Watching Madison as she laughs with the kids surrounding the snakes, it’s obvious Madison is a hands-on parent who prefers to be a part of everything the kids are doing. It’s not just Callen who has a big smile today. Madison seems truly happy for the first time in I don’t know, months, years?

  My heart swells when I see Callan wrap his arms around her neck, kissing her cheek. I’ve always known Madison does everything in her power to make sure our boys are safe and happy, but to see the look of satisfaction on her face when they’re enjoying themselves too, nothing compares to that. She’s not only the love of my life, but she's also the best mom I could ask for my boys.

  Speaking of which, where the hell is Noah? I haven’t seen him since I put pants on him earlier and he promptly took them off the moment I left the room.

  Turning to look around, I don’t see him anywhere and decide to check outside in the backyard. Brantley’s out there with Nathalie’s son, trying to teach him how to throw a baseball, something he probably shouldn’t be doing. The last thing Grady needs to know how to do is have an accurate aim with a weapon.

  “Hey, man, you seen Noah?”

  He stops throwing the ball and looks around the yard. “Noah? Nah, man, I haven’t seen him.” He cringes, his body shuddering. “Isn’t he in the house with the snakes?”

  As much as I don’t like rodents, they don’t necessarily scare me. I just hate them. Plain and simple. Brantley, on the other hand, he doesn’t just hate snakes. He’s completely and utterly scared shitless by them. I’m not really sure why. Some childhood trauma he won’t share, but whatever it was has scared that man far worse than any baggage I carry from my ordeal.

  I think it’s kind of bullshit that he won’t tell me what happened since I poured my heart out to him and shared my satanic guinea pig story, but whatever.

  “No, I looked there first and didn’t see him. Maybe he
’s upstairs.”

  Just as I’m about to turn around and head back into the house, I hear a woman scream from inside the house.

  Running inside, I see Madison holding Noah with one arm and is trying very hard to calm down Dee by patting her back.

  “What’s going on? Why is she screaming?”

  “Noah took the tops off the albino mice and red rat snake cages,” Nathalie tells me with wide eyes.

  I relax a little that there’s no blood and everyone seems to be okay. “All right, so why is she screaming?”

  “They got out,” Dee shouts. “All of them!”

  I panic, my eyes drifting to the cage with the rats. “When you say all of them, how many are we talking?”

  “Four albino mice and two red rat snakes.”

  “This is awesome!” Callan says, smiling, but I don’t miss the way he’s sitting on the kitchen counter and not standing on the floor. He’s probably scared too. He high-fives Noah, who Madison sets next to him on the counter. “Good job, dude.”

  Noah points to his own chest and shakes his head. “No dude. Wolverine.”

  I’m more focused on the loose rodents. It’s like some damn rat god decided to fuck with me today. Not just mice, but albino mice with devil eyes, and on top of that, not just any snake but a red rat snake!

  Suddenly Dee turns and lunges for me, fisting my shirt between her hands and bringing our faces within kissing distance. “You have to find my babies. Hewey, Dewey, Lewey, and Norman are my life! If Sampson and Saul get to them first, there won’t be anything left to love!”

  This lady is batshit fucking crazy if you ask me and needs a toothbrush. “Okay, okay. First, stop touching me.” Only she doesn’t. “And second, isn’t catching mice kind of what you do?”

  “Yes, yes, of course, but I’m compromised.” Yes, she said that. Compromised? What a nut job. “My emotions are taking hold of me, and I can’t think. Please, you’ve got to help me. We need to spread out and search every inch of this house. Also, we need someone to keep an eye out for Sampson and Saul.”

  Madison walks over and gently removes Dee’s hands from my shirt. “Okay, Dee. You need to calm down. I’m sure we’ll find everyone in no time, but you have to remember not to panic. Panicking will not help the situation.”

  Another surge of pride races through my chest. See what I mean? Not a better woman.

  Madison leads Dee through some deep breathing exercises and then looks at Brantley and me. “Why are you guys just standing around? Go find those damn mice.”

  I can’t help the look of complete shock that crosses my face as I stare at my wife. Madison knows about Zeke, and yet she’s telling me to go find them? Remember what I just said about her being the best. I take it back. She’s a backstabbing traitor!

  As Madison takes all the kids outside, I grab Brantley and drag him into the kitchen. “We have to find the mice.”

  Brantley shakes his head as if I’m asking him to commit murder with me. “Nope. No can do. What if I run into Sampson or Saul?”

  “Where are your balls?”

  “Hairy and attached,” he jabs, glaring at me. “Unlike yours.”

  What an asshole. I’m tempted to revise our contract for our 70/30 percent ownership. Not really, but still. Jerk move. “You know… you’re being a real dick.” I shove him away from me, annoyed everything I do lately turns to shit. “I thought you were my best friend.”

  “Fine.” He sighs and reaches for a beer in the fridge. “But I swear to fucking God, if I find one of those snakes, I’ll never come over here again.”

  Brantley begins to look through the couch cushions and on top of the entertainment center while I check under the furniture and inside the first-floor closets.

  After twenty minutes, we meet back in the living room to discuss our next move over a beer. Sticking my hand in a bowl of chips on the table, that’s when I feel something furry. It’s a fucking mouse.

  Screaming, I toss it at Brantley who jumps back in shock, loses his footing and falls on the ground where guess who’s at his feet?

  Sampson or Saul, I’m not sure there’s a difference between the two and don’t actually care. All I care about is they were found, and I intend on finishing our house because I no longer want to live in this one.

  Callan’s had seven birthdays and until today, I can’t remember ever giving him a present that was just from me. It’s always come from Madison and me but this one, it’s from me. Only.

  The book he wanted about Chernobyl.

  When he opens it away from the other kids at his party, his eyes light up like they did the other night.

  Standing in the kitchen, alone with me, his arms wrap tightly around my neck, the book on the counter. “Thanks, Dad. It’s the best present ever.” My arms move around him, holding him to my chest.

  Madison’s near the back door, watching us from a distance as tears sting my eyes. There’s been a few times I’ve been brought to tears by our children. Mostly out of pain at the hands of Noah, but there’re these moments when they make you proud or happy, moments like this when I know I’ve given him exactly what he wanted.

  My stare catches Madison’s and she mouths, “Thank you,” to me.

  I wink and then pull back to hold Callan at arm’s length. “You like it?”

  “I love it!” Reaching for the book, he opens it to flip through the pages.

  You see the man standing in front of his son, the one where nothing can ruin his day now?

  His day is about to be ruined.

  “I thought you said you’d have wine here?” a voice asks from behind us, and I don’t even have to look to know who it is talking to Madison. My good feeling is gone, out the fucking door like a dust storm blowing through the house.

  There’s no “Thanks for inviting me,” or “How have you been?” or even, “Happy Birthday, Callan.” That’s not how Jenna works. She goes straight for the weakness that’s consumed her life for twenty years.

  “I do, Mom,” Madison says, her sandals clicking against the tile as she moves closer. “It’s on the counter.”

  I can smell Jenna’s perfume before she approaches me from behind. It’s patchouli oil. Quite possibly the worst smell in the world as far as I’m concerned.

  “Oh, well hello, Ridley. Are you even going to say hello?”

  No. I want you to leave.

  I smile, despite my complete distaste for Madison’s mother. “Jenna.”

  Her blue eyes stand out against her brown hair I know she dyes probably once a week. And then her stare moves to Callan, who’s watching her. She hands him a present. “Happy Birthday.”

  Do you see how forced the “Happy Birthday” is? She once called him in July to wish him happy birthday. His birthday is February 27th. It certainly hasn’t changed since his birth, which she was present and drunk at. We couldn’t even let her hold him because she couldn’t stand up straight.

  She’s part of the reason Madison has never touched a drop of alcohol in her life.

  “Thanks, Jenna.”

  Ha. She gets first name basis too, but I’ve graduated to Dad! I fight the urge to stick my tongue out.

  As Madison opens the wine, Jenna glances around the house, judging everything about it and Madison’s decorating. They don’t agree on much of anything.

  “What happened in here?”

  Madison shrugs. “Some mice and snakes got loose.”

  Jenna tenses. “Did you find them?”

  “Yes.” Madison laughs and hands her mother a glass of wine and then pours one for Nathalie who comes inside with Grady on her hip. He’s thankfully asleep. “Ridley found them.”

  Jenna runs her fingers over a metal tray Madison has on the counter with oranges in it and then sips her wine. “I thought you had a new house? Why are you still living here?”

  Ah, yes. I was wondering when this would be brought up again.

  Drawing in a calming breath, I look to my wife, curious as to what her answer might be but s
he’s watching me, waiting for my answer.

  My eyes move to Callan as he opens the present in his hands. Play-Doh. She got a seven-year-old Play-Doh. I’m not even sure Noah even plays with it anymore. He might stick it up his nose or eat it, but he doesn’t play with it much.

  Callan glances up at me, then to his grandmother, if you can call her that. “Thanks.” And then he tugs on my hand to whisper in my ear, “What’s that smell?”

  “It’s the smell of a bitch,” I tell him, only to have him laugh.

  I know what you’re thinking, why would you one, say that to your son, and two, say that in front of your son?

  Just wait. You’ll see why in about five minutes. The standard length of time it takes for Jenna to piss everyone off. I was there the second I heard her voice.

  Callan spots Noah getting too close to one of his presents left outside on the patio and takes off outside. I’m thankful for him leaving the house because I know what’s coming next.

  Disaster.

  Watch and you’ll see.

  “Ridley’s still working on the house so we haven’t moved yet,” Madison says, putting the cork back on the wine and leaning into the counter with her hip. It’s a moment later when our eyes meet and stay that way for a minute.

  Is that another reason why she wants a divorce? Because I didn’t finish the house?

  I can see where that might upset her.

  And here’s the moment the disaster hits and my anger for her mother takes on its normal behavior.

  “I don’t understand you, Madison.” Jenna pauses, eyeing me and then Madison. “You leave home to get an education, marry the first guy you meet and look at you now, two kids and a husband who can’t deliver the promises he makes.”

  Please tell me you see why I called her a bitch?

  Madison’s too shocked to reply, blinking rapidly, looking from me to her mother and then Nathalie for inviting the whore.

  “All right, that’s enough,” I say, my body trembling with anger. I remind myself this is Callan’s birthday and I can’t make a scene today. But he’s outside, as are the other kids, and I have to say something. Jenna is constantly putting Madison down for making something of her life and it’s not fair. “Don’t put your bullshit on her. We didn’t fuckin’ ask you to come here.”