Niki Slobodian 04 - The Devil Was an Angel

by J. L. Murray

  “Could you have saved him?” said Karen.

  I shook my head. “I don't know. Maybe if I would have known what was happening. Or if I had understood the situation better. If I hadn't been so angry when Sasha was killed. If I would have used my head more.”

  “You're hard on yourself, Niki,” she said. “I've always thought so. You've always seemed like you carry the world on your shoulders. But you don't have to. No one does.”

  “I don't know how to stop.”

  “Just let go,” she said. “You can't save everyone.”

  “I know,” I said. “But what's the point if I don't try? What's even left? I don't know how to be any other way.”

  “There's peace,” she said. “And maybe even happiness.”

  I looked at her and tried to smile, but it faltered on my face. “I just don't think it's in the cards for me.”

  “Maybe not,” she said. “But what's the point if you don't try?”

  FOUR

  Gage wasn't answering his phone. I tried a few times, but it went right to voicemail. I finally left an irritated message that demanded he explain what the hell was going on. Then I pocketed my phone and tended to the dead.

  A woman with long blonde hair and a party dress watched police bag up her remains in an alley. There was blood smeared on the side of a dumpster where she had fallen. “I thought he was a nice guy,” she said.

  A mother cried as she peered through the shattered glass of a wrecked car. I could make out the shapes of two car seats in the back. Her body lay on the hood of the car. “I didn't even see him coming,” she moaned. A semi-truck was on its side in the ditch, the driver crawling out of the passenger window, bloodied but alive.

  And then it was suddenly night and I was somewhere warm. I looked up at the sky. The stars were bright and seemed to go on forever. I didn't want to look away. It had been so long since I'd seen the stars. It was so quiet here. I breathed in and could smell fragrant flowers. The road under my feet was red clay. There was a little house in front of me; more of a hut, really. Chicken wire went around the side of the small structure and I could make out the shape of animals huddled together. Goats, maybe, or sheep. The door of the cottage was open and swung back and forth with the breeze.

  I stepped inside. A man's ghost was standing stock-still in the middle of the room. He was muttering something under his breath. As I approached, I could hear him. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” he was saying. It spilled out of his lips quickly, like it was one long word, and it kept coming. He didn't look at me. Warm copper filled my mouth, and I looked around.

  A woman hugged a baby to her chest. Their faces were crushed, the baby's blood covering the woman and soaking the mattress underneath her. The man's body was spread over two other children, but no one had made it. I heard sobbing in the corner and I knew it would be the woman's ghost before I had even looked. I closed my eyes and put my hands over my face. My stomach lurched at the gore and violence and the warm smell of blood. I made my legs move and made it just outside before I threw up, my whole body shaking from the force of the retching. I wiped my mouth and stood up. Death wasn't supposed to puke.

  I made myself go back in, the pulling at my chest unbearable. I tried not to breathe in too much. I felt the woman relax as I took her. She looked at me with dark eyes that were filled with unfathomable sorrow. I turned to the man. He didn't even move when I touched him and the one word he repeated over and over trailed off with his spirit.

  I crouched down next to the man's body. “Is it always like this, Sam?” I said to the heavy, empty air. “Will I ever get used to it? Did you?” I felt a twinge in the back of my skull, but there was no answer. I didn't expect there to be.

  I exhaled and let go of the scene, closing my eyes. I felt myself go, the world turning dark for a heartbeat, then with a dizzying rush of color I felt my feet touch down on the rough boards of the Deep Blue Sea. I stood there in the silence for a long time, just staring at the bar. I missed him so much just then. So many people had died, including Sasha and Sofi, my only family. Not counting Pineme, who was a stranger to me. But all I could think about was Sam.

  I walked to the wall, my head feeling light. Nothing felt real anymore. I traced the shape of the Murphy bed that was set in the wall. Sam had created it when we had been holed up in the bar during the war. I put my hand against the metal handle. We had slept on the bed together. I remembered waking up and looking over to find him next to me, looking disheveled and whiskered and perfect. I inhaled sharply at the rush of emotions. At the crushing guilt. I drew back my hand and hit the folded up bed with all the force I had left. The shape disappeared and smoothed out into solid wall. I touched it and squeezed my eyes shut. I was so tired of crying. I caressed the wall where the bed had been and the shape reappeared. The bar had been a part of Sam, and now it was part of me. I could make it do what I wanted. But I couldn't bring him back.

  “Goddamnit, Sam,” I said, my throat tight. I slid down the wall. “It shouldn't have happened that way,” I said softly, the tears coming now. I put my forehead to my knees. “You shouldn't have had to go. It should have been me.”

  When I was spent, I stood up shakily. I inhaled deeply and blew air out through my mouth. I reached out and took hold of the handle of the bed, pulling the contraption out of the wall. The bed lay before me and, gathering my nerve, I lay down and closed my eyes.

  “I'm dreaming,” I said. It was very dark. I could feel someone standing behind me. There were shapes moving in the darkness but I couldn't make them out.

  “Does it matter?” said a voice. I closed my eyes when I heard it.

  “Yes,” I said. “This isn't real. You're not real.”

  “Turn around,” he said. I did, but I didn't open my eyes. I couldn't. I couldn't look at him. It hurt too much. “Niki, please.”

  I looked and I couldn't breathe. He was here. He was alive. He looked down at me with his dark eyes, his black hair swept away from his face, his suit perfectly pressed. He smiled and my heart broke. “It's not real,” I said breathlessly.

  “Just because you're dreaming doesn't make it less real,” he said. “I've been waiting for you.”

  “Where are we?” I said.

  “We're in your head,” he said. “I've been here all along. Have you felt me?”

  I remembered the twinges in the back of my skull. “I don't know,” I said. “Maybe. Yes, I think I have. Why can't I talk to you all the time?”

  “Because you are never quiet,” he said. “You never pause for air. Your mind is always racing around, going this way and that, never stopping. How can you listen if you're not quiet? Besides, the Deep Blue Sea was part of me, too. I'm stronger here. That's why you couldn't let it go, isn't it?”

  I couldn't stop staring at him. I shook my head in confusion. “I don't know why I do anything anymore.”

  He touched me and he felt warm. Could someone feel warmth in a dream? “You have doubts,” he said. “I've felt them.”

  “Still stalking me,” I said, trying to smile.

  “I will never leave you, Niki. Not until you want me to.”

  I made myself look into his eyes. They still had the ability to drill into me, even in a dream. “What if it wasn't me, Sam? What if it wasn't me you loved?”

  “Niki...”

  “I was carrying all that power around,” I continued. “All that god-power. Even when no one knew it was there. And you're an angel. What if you loved Him. What if it was the power of the Creator that made you think it was love?”

  “What do you think?” he said. “Did you love me?”

  I bit my lip. “I don't know, Sam. It was so fast. The world was going to end. And you were going to die.” I suddenly felt the breath go out of me. “You were going to die,” I said again. “Why am I crying?” I said thickly. “You can't cry in a dream.”

  “This isn't a normal dream,” he said. He reached up and smoothed my hair away from my face. “It's you, Niki. It was always you.” />
  “You died because of me,” I said.

  “No,” he said. “I died for you. It's different.”

  “How?” I said.

  “Because there's something I want you to do for me,” he said. He smiled again and it was like he was opening me up. It hurt worse than anything I had ever felt. “Something big.”

  “What?” I said.

  “I want you to bring me back,” he said.

  I woke up clutching at the pillow. I cried then, sobs racking my body until I had no more tears. What did he mean, bring him back? How the hell was I supposed to do that? I would do anything to have him back. To have the guilt disappear. Out of everything that had happened, it was Sam's unmaking that bothered me the most. I had done that. It had been my fault. I would do anything to find out how to reverse it. But it was impossible. He was gone. The Creator had unmade him so that it was like he had never existed.

  I stood up and looked around. I could feel the dead pulling at me, urging me to them. To help them. Death, so much death. Sofi, my father, Sam. Strangers that I didn't know. I felt their loss so deeply that sometimes it was hard to breathe. I needed to be away. Just for a little while. The memory of the family in the hut flashed in my mind like an electric shock. The children had been smashed like they were nothing. Who could possibly do that? I sucked air into my lungs, the pressure in my chest mounting. I needed time, more time than alcohol could give me.

  “Lucifer,” I said to the empty bar. “I'm ready to help you now.”

  FIVE

  It took a while for Lucifer to show up. When he finally did, I had an empty glass in my hand. He raised an eyebrow as he sat next to me at the bar.

  “Been drinking a lot lately,” he said.

  “Like you're one to judge,” I said.

  “Actually, that's sort of my purpose.”

  I looked down at the glass. “It dulls the pain,” I said. “The booze. It makes it easier to bear.”

  “Which pain would that be?” he said.

  “Good question,” I said. “Can we go?”

  He nodded. “What made you change your mind?”

  I looked at him solemnly. “I just need to get away from it for a little while. All this death. It's...”

  “Overwhelming?” he said. I nodded. “I understand completely. But you could come on your own. You know that, don't you? That you're capable of traveling through the Unsung.”

  “I suspected,” I said. “But I don't think I'm ready. I'm afraid I'd get stuck.”

  “A valid fear,” he said. “Well, there is no time to waste. Hold on to me and I'll take us to Erebos.”

  It was awkward and strange to put my arms around Lucifer. He was taller and broader, and I wasn't sure where to put my hands. I finally settled on putting my arms around his ribcage. He held me to him with one hand, the heat of him felt even through my heavy jacket. He smelled like Sam and I had to hold my head away because it was so familiar. I didn't want him to be familiar. I still had the taste of the dream in my mouth, I could still feel Sam's touch on my skin. It was confusing that Lucifer reminded me of him. And I didn't like confusing. In fact, it pissed me off.

  But I did not want to get stuck in the in-between place. I hung on to Lucifer as reality ripped like the thinnest of fabric and black smoke fogged up my head. We started to spin and everything went dark. The foggy-headedness disappeared and we slowed as we sailed between worlds. I could sense black shapes crawling in the pitch black just out of sight, and the movements in the corner of my eyes had me twisting my head to try to catch a glimpse. But I never saw anything.

  When we touched down in Erebos, my eyes widened. Sam had always brought me down just outside of the city. But Lucifer brought us to a place I had never been before. There was rough black stone under my feet, and a polished black spire rose from the ledge we stood on. I could see my face in it, and it felt cold and smooth. Beyond the platform the city spread out below me. I walked to the edge and leaned on a black stone railing that wrapped around this overlook. The city looked different from here. We were so high that Erebos looked like a model, its tiny figures moving around like ants. I could even make out the dark red of Eli's house.

  “Welcome to my home,” said Lucifer.

  “We're in Lucifer's Tower,” I said, realizing.

  “I thought that would be obvious,” he said, with not a trace of sarcasm in his voice.

  “I guess it didn't occur to me to wonder where you'd live,” I said. Erebos was far larger than I had realized. I had only seen a tiny portion of it when I had been here last. But the city spread out as far as I could see. The red stone cliffs stood like sentinels at the end of the city Sam and I had arrived in, but they leveled out and sloped down and the city spilled over the dark stone in no discernible pattern. The roads wound around and criss-crossed over each other like the city had been designed by crazy people. And even from this height I could make out a high wall that surrounded most of the city. I could tell it was very tall; it eclipsed even the tallest houses. I remembered Sam and Eli's father, Grazial, talking about that wall. It was relatively new.

  “That's the wall to keep the Outsiders out,” I said. It was sheer darkness on the other side of the wall.

  “Yes,” said Lucifer, joining me.

  “What are they like?” I said.

  “The Outsiders?” said Lucifer. I nodded. “The ones that I have met have been cordial.”

  “Are they like us?” I said. “Like Abbies?”

  “You are no longer an Abnormal, Niki,” he said. “But yes, I suppose they are alike. They have traits of demons, but some of them are very human as well. And some of them are a bit like angels.”

  “So they have what? Superpowers?”

  “Superpowers?” said Lucifer, looking at me quizzically.

  I shook my head. “Never mind. During the war, I saw a lot of demons. And some of them were...powerful. Like Abbies. One demon controlled lightning. Why would they fight in the war if they were outcasts?”

  “They're still demons,” said Lucifer. “Fighting is in their blood. And some pureblood demons have powers. All the old lords have their own incredible abilities. It used to be the way of things. But slowly demons started losing their spark. They became more brutal and less interested in honing their abilities. The young ones are usually born with no powers whatsoever.”

  “Except for the Outsiders,” I said.

  “Yes. I think they are despised because the younger Erebians see them as a threat. And the old ones see them as a threat to their children.”

  “My friend, Eli...”

  “Ah, the wayward son of Grazial.”

  “You know him?”

  “I know of him,” Lucifer said. “His father claims he is is half demon, half human.”

  “He can heal,” I said. “I've seen it.”

  “I have suspected that his mother was an Outsider,” said Lucifer. “My people tell me that he died several times while fighting to become his father's favorite. I don't see how else he could have such a power.”

  “His mother?” I said. “But his mother was in the world.”

  “Curious, isn't it?” Lucifer said in a low voice.

  I turned to look at him. “Why do you stay here?” I said. “Why do you want to help them? They don't even want you here, by your own admission.”

  Lucifer's eyes flashed for a fraction of a second, but it was gone before I had time to process what I saw. He studied me for a moment. “No, I don't suppose they want me here,” he said. “But if I cannot stop them, Erebos will fall to ruin. The Outsiders have promised to kill the lords, the lords have sworn to kill the Outsiders, and the lords are always plotting to kill each other.” He moved closer to me until we were almost touching. He pointed down into the city. “And right in the middle, you have this.” I watched the ant-sized shapes and squinted. I could see the dresses of the women, smaller shapes on their hips. “Innocents, Niki,” Lucifer said softly into my ear. “They will fight to the death, these demons. The
y will fight until this city is naught but ruins. This is my city. This is my home, just as much as it is theirs. You cannot say that women and children should not be able to live their lives in peace. I can feel mercy in you, Niki. Otherwise you would not have come.”

  I stepped away from him. Something about his closeness was disquieting. He watched me, his eyes glittering in the semi-darkness. I looked down the side of the tower, the dizzying height making me feel slightly nauseous. I watched a group of demons far below, a family with three smaller forms trailing along behind, skirt the tower and head for the marketplace.

  “What do you want me to do?” I said.

  “Nothing,” said Lucifer. “Your presence is all I require.”

  “Fine,” I said. “I'll do it.” I watched as the family disappeared into the center of town. “There's too much death. Are you sure you can stop it?”

  “I can stop it any time I like,” said Lucifer. “But this way is better.”

  I shook my head. “If you can stop it, why are you doing all this?”

  Lucifer leaned against the railing and looked over at me. “I was changed by my time in Sheol,” he said, his voice more natural than I had heard it since just after Sam died. I realized there had been tension in his face, in his words when he spoke to me since, as if he was holding himself back. “I know I can destroy the bickering. The fighting. But I don't want to be that man any longer. I do not want death or violence by my hand. It is pointless. So I maneuver, I cajole. I argue. I try to get the lords on my side, to make them see reason.” He frowned at the ground. “I am trying very hard not to hurt them. When all is well with the lords, I will go to the Outsiders.” He shook his head and looked into me, his dark eyes boring into mine the same as Sam's. I fought the urge to look away. “You must understand, Niki, I was created to judge. It's in my blood to want to use my power to destroy anything that feels wrong to me. I'm going against my nature so that there will be peace.”