by J. M. Snyder
There was no beast here.
Only warmth.
Only comfort.
Only contentment—and pleasure so deep and satisfying that Beau wondered if he had been searching his whole life for a moment like this one.
And when it was over, the two men, sated, fell asleep in each other’s arms, their bodily fluids gluing them together, their hearts fusing their souls.
Beau awakened as the grayish light of dawn crept into the room. He turned, looking over Jeanne-Marie’s still sleeping head, at the mountain peaks outside. They were purple silhouettes against the sun they hid, a sun that was now ascending.
Quietly, Beau slid naked from the bed to look at the glorious light outside, its fusion of lavender, tangerine, gold, and blue. He watched until he could look no more, as the sun, in all its naked glory, rose over the peaks, flooding the bedroom with golden light.
Beau turned back and looked at Jeanne-Marie, who slept peacefully, one arm thrown across the pillow next to him. His breath was easy and deep. Beau liked to imagine that he had contributed to the man’s exhaustion and, at last, peace.
Beau crept close to the bed, his artist’s gaze roaming over Jeanne-Marie’s glorious muscled body, smooth all over to show the definition and power of the sinew, the skin looking like satin. He made himself look at the disfigured face and saw nothing there to alarm, nothing there to cause him to turn away.
He saw the face of his lover—and that could never be anything but a beautiful sight to behold.
Beau made his way to the desk at the opposite side of the room, rifling its contents as quietly as he could until he found what he was after—a piece of paper and the stub of a pencil.
He pulled a chair up beside the bed, positioned the paper on a book, and, after staring at his love for a long time, began to draw.
* * * *
Beau finished drawing just as Jeanne-Marie began to stir. Beau placed the drawing face down on the bedside table, the book atop it. He peered into Jeanne-Marie’s eyes, which were brilliant emerald in the sunlight streaming in, almost sparkling. Beau was transfixed. No scar could change the simple and arresting beauty of those eyes.
Jeanne-Marie smiled and threw an arm across his forehead. “My! I have not slept like that in years.” He turned to look more fully at Beau. “There’s a lot I haven’t felt in years. Thank you for last night.”
Beau cocked his head. “There’s no need to thank me. I believe the pleasure was mutual.”
They were quiet for a while, until Jeanne-Marie finally said, “Why don’t you close those blinds and come lie beside me. The room’s getting hot and I have a feeling we could sleep some more.” He yawned.
Beau complied. Once snuggled down with his head on Beau’s chest, he asked the question he had asked earlier. Their eyes were not engaged as Beau said, “I don’t want to make you unhappy or upset, but I want to know you, all of you.”
Jeanne-Marie said, “You want to know what happened—how I got so hideous.”
“You’re not hideous.” Beau snuggled closer, letting his hand trace across Jeanne-Marie’s features. Beau got up on one elbow for a moment to kiss his man lightly on the mouth. He lay back down. “Did someone hurt you?” Beau asked.
He settled back down on the pillow he had fashioned from Jeanne-Marie’s chest and listened, confident that the time had come for Jeanne-Marie to tell his story.
“One of the reasons I was so drawn to helping you was because I could see you were a victim of not only theft, but of a hate crime. Somehow, those hoods pegged you for what you are, and ridiculed and humiliated you for it. The kicking, the blows, those were after you had passed out—there was no need for them if all they had in mind was simple robbery, of relieving you of your valuables. No, they wanted to hurt you—to make you pay for the simple fact of who you were.
“It’s crazy when I put it like that, isn’t it?”
Beau nodded, knowing his simple up and down movement against the flesh of his lover would be perceived as a yes. He traced a finger around one of Jeanne-Marie’s nipples as the man continued.
“But I couldn’t stand to see them hurting you that way. Not only did it outrage my sense of justice and compassion, but it brought back the horror of my own memory.”
Jeanne-Marie stopped speaking then. No words came forth for a long, long time, and somehow Beau knew not to press him to speak. He instinctively realized that Jeanne-Marie was rallying his own internal forces to tell the remainder of his story.
“Once upon a time,” Jeanne-Marie finally went on, “I was a very happy man. I lived in the city I found you in—Seattle—in the neighborhood that is the epicenter of the gay community there—Capitol Hill. I wasn’t anyone special. I was simply a man who was happy with his life, content. Because of an inheritance, I lived independently and the income afforded me the ability to work for a charity organization for people living with AIDS. It was gratifying work and I was glad to do it.
“Through that work, I met my lover, a man named Jerome.” Jeanne-Marie laughed and Beau could tell he was reliving a memory. “Jerome was all I ever thought I wanted—physically, he was my ideal: stocky, muscular with blond hair and blue eyes, the kind of full lips fashioned exclusively for kissing.
“We were happy and went through the phases most couples do—infatuation, fucking like bunnies, limerance, love, and then nesting. When we moved in together, I spouted the same ‘forever’ sentiments as most lovers do when they’re buoyed up by fresh passion and earth-shaking attraction.
“But I really believed we would never—could never—leave the other’s side. We were soul mates. A match made in Heaven. We were each other’s elusive ‘one.’
“Until we weren’t. Until that night, when our fragilely built house of romance came tumbling down because of the same hatred you experienced.”
Jeanne-Marie paused again, his breath coming quicker and Beau wondered if the faster breaths described sobs. But he knew to stay silent.
“I had worked late that night. There was a fund-raiser and I had remained after to help clean up. I remember it was winter and some snow had begun to fall, rare for Seattle. When I finally left, the air was brisk and the flakes coming down muffled the sound around me. It was very late. But, if you know the Hill, you know it’s full of bars, gay ones mostly, and so the neighborhood still had a certain energy as people staggered home, alone or in pairs, from the closing clubs.
“I must have looked like one of them. And to those who are out looking for the fun of beating up a faggot, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, especially when I cut through Volunteer Park as a shortcut back to the place I shared with Jerome.
“In the shadows of trees and shrubbery, they were on me like a pack of wolves, punching, kicking, calling me the same names they called you. Fag. Queer. Pansy. Fudge Packer. One of them proposed raping me.
“But rape was not the ultimate horror they had in store for me.
“Oh no.
“One of them came up with the bright idea to make ‘Pretty boy, pretty no more.’ It happened so fast. I felt something cold splash on my face, what I learned later was a squirt of lighter fluid, then I heard, even among the night sounds, that peculiar friction sound of the wheel of a disposable lighter turning.
“I could smell the fluid and, in an instant, I knew what they were about to do. But an instant was not even enough time to prevent it.”
Jeanne-Marie fell silent once more and Beau was about to tell him he had no need to go on when the man continued.
“Like you, when that ultimate horror arrived, my conscious mind, to protect me, I suppose, obliterated the memory. I have no recollection of the flames, the smell of my own burning flesh…. The next thing I knew, I awakened on Pill Hill, in a hospital’s burn ward, my face wrapped in bandages.
“Jerome stayed by my bedside day and night and I could hear him looking after me, ensuring the many doctors and nurses assigned to me were doing all they could to help me heal.
“He stayed
until the day came when they took off the bandages and my face was revealed for the first time.
“When they allowed me to look in a mirror, I fainted dead away, like some romance novel heroine, but the shock and horror of my own face was enough to do that.
“And Jerome?
“I never saw him again after my new face was unveiled. I tried for a brief time to contact him, but he made himself unreachable.”
“That’s horrible,” Beau whispered, hot tears tingling at the corners of his eyes. He felt outraged and protective all at once.
Jeanne-Marie shook his head. “I don’t know how horrible it is. The change was not what Jerome had signed on for—and perhaps it was just more than he could live with. I understand. Believe it or not, I forgive him.”
“How could you forgive him? Love is all about not just being there for someone during the good times, but especially during the bad ones. He deserted you,” Beau spat this last part out bitterly.
“I loved him. And I think he loved me. But it was too much for him. I could never hold it against him that he left.
“That’s when I knew I had to leave, too. And that brings you up to where we are now.”
Beau had lots of questions about details—fine, practical points, but he would save those for later. For now, he said what he thought was the most important thing he could say, “I wouldn’t leave you. I won’t.”
Jeanne-Marie stroked his hair and gently kept Beau’s head pressed to his chest. “Yes, you will. Now, you are grateful to me for saving you. I’m your hero.” He laughed. “But soon, you’ll get strong again and you’ll see this situation for what it is—you, a handsome creative young man with his whole life ahead of him—trapped in isolation with a monster.”
“That’s not so.”
“Shhh. It is. Which is why I want you to leave. I know from the hole Jerome left in my heart what will happen. I have been through too much pain. I am better off alone.”
Jeanne-Marie sat, gently disengaging from Beau’s warmth. He slid from the bed and padded, naked, to the bedroom door. He did not turn back as he said, “I will have a driver here for you in the morning.”
Beau started to protest, but Jeanne-Marie held up a hand to silence him, still not turning around. “Please, if you care for me—and I believe you do—you will leave me in peace. Your being here has ignited—poor choice of words—something in me I don’t think I could endure if I allowed it to go on. I know it can only end badly.
“My driver will take you back to Seattle and I will have some money for you, so you can get back on your feet.”
Before Beau could say a word, Jeanne-Marie quickly closed the door behind him, refusing to show Beau his ravaged face. Beau slumped back in bed, wondering if Jeanne-Marie didn’t want him to see his scars—or his tears.
Chapter 7
Beau didn’t leave it too long. He launched himself from the bed he had shared with Jeanne-Marie and went out in search of him.
But the house appeared to be empty. The rooms revealed to Beau only furnishings, paintings on the walls, appliances, and the utilities of living. But each room was empty. Jeanne-Marie, it seemed after hours of Beau hunting, did not want to be found.
“What’s wrong with him?” Beau wondered aloud, sitting on his bed again, staring outside as the day wound down into dusk, the sky’s gray only deepening into black. “Why can’t he understand that I’ve fallen in love with him, real love, true love, the kind that sees beyond the physical? Didn’t our lovemaking make that clear?”
Apparently not, because the only answer to his queries was silence. Not even a footstep stirred in the big mountain house, deserted for all intents and purposes.
Still, Beau waited, sitting, and finally reclining on the bed as darkness claimed the room. He may have slept—there were phantom snatches of joy when he thought he heard Jeanne-Marie returning, but he never did. When Beau would reach out in the darkness and touch the other pillow on the bed, hoping to feel Jeanne-Marie’s hair or even his scarred skin, there was nothing there but smooth linen.
He supposed that Jeanne-Marie’s tale of trauma and love deserted formed in the man a deep mistrust, one that would simply not allow him to entertain the possibility that someone else could care for him and see beyond what he considered his imperfections. Too, glancing into a mirror and seeing the destruction looking back at him would make it hard to believe someone could fall—romantically—in love with him.
But Beau had.
As he lay alone, yearning, he realized how much he wanted Jeanne-Marie to return, wanted to feel the warmth and power of his embrace.
But morning’s light eventually filtered into the room and Beau awakened from a troubled slumber exhausted. He rose and moved to the window, where outside he saw a silver pickup truck parked in the drive that circled in front of the house. A grizzled man, in jeans and plaid flannel jacket, leaned against the truck, smoking a cigarette.
Jeanne-Marie’s words came back to him, hurting as much as the pain he had suffered when he had first awakened here, after the beating he had taken…My driver will take you back to Seattle and I will have some money for you, so you can get back on your feet.
Beau dressed himself in the same clothes Jeanne-Marie had so recently brought him, slowly, hoping against hope that Jeanne-Marie would return, that the door would swing open and he would stand there, framed by the arch, smiling and explaining that he could never let Beau go. He simply loved him too much.
But Beau completed dressing, even taking time to wash his face, comb his hair, and brush his teeth in the adjoining bathroom.
The house was still as he made his way down the corridor, then the curving staircase into the foyer. On the oak pedestal table there, Beau found an envelope bearing his name. He opened it. Inside were ten twenty dollar bills and four one hundreds. There was also a note tucked inside that said only one word, “Love!”
Beau felt the hot prick of tears at the corner of his eyes and he brushed them away, feeling both devastated and sad, all at once.
Beside the door was a new pair of boots and, folded neatly next to them, a down jacket and multi-colored scarf and gloves.
“What? No hat?” Beau asked, hoping for some response, but there was nothing.
He slid the boots and outer garments on and was just about to open the door when he remembered something.
He raced back upstairs. He found the drawing he had done of Jeanne-Marie and he placed it, face up, on the bed, using a book at the upper left hand corner to pin it into place.
He hoped Jeanne-Marie would realize, when he saw Beau’s work, how he looked to Beau.
Slowly—and finally—he exited the room and headed downstairs.
Outside, the wind was brisk. Gray, bruised-looking clouds hung on the horizon, obscuring the mountains. The somber sight of the sky and the clouds matched Beau’s mood.
“You ‘bout ready, sir?” The driver called from beside the truck.
“Guess so.” Beau didn’t look at the man as he crossed behind the truck and then hopped inside.
The driver joined him, turning on the heat and upping the fan to combat the frigid wind. “Them clouds over there—they’re full of snow. We better get you back to the city before they decide to open up.”
Beau said nothing as the driver put the truck into gear and they lurched into motion. He turned in his seat to watch the house as it receded behind them, feeling like the days he had spent there were already taking on the aspect of a dream.
Just as he was about to turn back around, eyes facing forward and the future, his heart leapt as he saw the house’s front door swing open and Jeanne-Marie run outside. He began to dash after the truck and Beau could see he held a piece of paper in his hand.
“Stop! Stop!” Beau tapped the driver impatiently on his arm. “Stop the truck right now.”
The man slammed on the brakes and stared at Beau, confusion causing his brow to furrow. “Forget somethin’?”
Beau didn’t reply. He flung open
the door and practically tumbled down from the cab. Snowflakes had just begun to dance in the air as he darted back toward the house—and Jeanne-Marie, who stood waiting on the stone front steps.
Although there were only a couple of hundred yards between them, Beau felt like it took forever to cover the distance, his heart ratcheting up with hope with every step he took.
Finally, he stood in front of Jeanne-Marie. Breathless, he blurted, “You want me to stay.” It wasn’t a question.
Jeanne-Marie didn’t respond with words. He simply held out the drawing Beau had done of him and Beau took it, looking back and forth from paper to face and back again. He smiled. “It’s you.”
“You did that?” Jeanne-Marie asked and Beau felt a frisson of worry, wondering if Jeanne-Marie didn’t like the drawing or was somehow offended by it.
“Yes. You were asleep and the light coming in was so beautiful. I just wanted to capture you.” Beau paused, reining in his breath. “I wanted you to see yourself the way I do.”
Jeanne-Marie smiled then and Beau knew he had worried needlessly. “This is really the way you see me?”
“Yes.”
“You’re very good. You made me look beautiful, something I was long past hoping I could even come close to.”
“My drawing was a camera.” Beau wasn’t sure how to explain himself. He looked up at the darkening sky; the snow was coming down heavier now and he knew, regardless of the outcome of this encounter, he would not be coming down off the mountain today.
“Camera’s don’t lie.” Jeanne-Marie said softly.
“Neither does my hand.”
“I know.” Jeanne-Marie reached out, gesturing for Beau to return the drawing to him. Beau did and Jeanne-Marie stared down at it, as if seeing it for the first time, then he said something Beau had heard before, “It’s like you saw into my very soul.”
Beau gnawed at his lower lip, trying to hold back the rush of emotion threatening to erupt. He nodded. “Exactly.”
