Play of Light

by Debra Doxer

  We scoured the beach together, splitting up in different directions. The wind whipped at me, pelting my skin with grains of sand. The beach was nearly deserted, and my heart constricted at how painfully similar this was to another time I’d searched the beach for Spencer.

  “He’ll turn up,” Colby reassured me as we gathered back inside. “We have a show tonight. He wouldn’t blow that off.”

  I nodded, but his sentiments floated right past me.

  “Most likely he took off for a while to clear his head,” Colby continued, scrutinizing my anxious expression. “It was a dick move, disappearing without saying anything, and I’ll help you give him shit about it when he gets back. But don’t start panicking. It won’t help.”

  My gaze shifted between him and Riley, wanting to believe that Spencer simply took off, wrapped up in his own pain and acting thoughtlessly. But I didn’t believe it. I might have before, but not anymore.

  “I’m going out front to make a call,” I announced. Then I walked past them, ignoring their questioning looks.

  The parking lot was shielded by the cottage and protected from the wind. It was quiet as I dialed. Russ answered almost immediately.

  “Sarah.” His tone was strained.

  “Did Mom tell you?” I asked, not bothering with hello.

  “She told me why you were there. But I wish you would have told me before you went in.” He paused. “Look, I get it. Now that Jackson’s gone, you don’t need to keep what you saw a secret. But you opened a whole can of worms. I’m not sure you even realize what you did.”

  “I know what I did. Spencer went in too. Do you know what he told them?”

  “Yeah, I know.” He released a heavy breath. “What’s your association with that kid?”

  I looked up at the sunless sky. “I love him. I’ve loved him since I was twelve years old.”

  Russ was silent.

  “Spencer’s missing,” I said. “No one can find him, and he’s not answering his phone. Do you think they would do something to him?” I knew I didn’t have to explain to him who they were. I hoped he wasn’t included in the they.

  Russ muttered to himself. It took him a long time to answer. “Let me make some calls,” he finally said. “Where are you now?”

  I told him I was at Spencer’s place. My voice shook near the end of our conversation as his reaction made its full impact on me. He didn’t tell me I was crazy to suggest something might have happened to Spencer. I wished he had.

  After I walked back inside, I told Colby and Riley about my conversation. Then I just stood there in the middle of the room, wanting to scream or hit the wall with my fist. I needed to do something other than wait. All the good feelings I had earlier were obliterated. Coming here was a mistake. None of it was worth it if something happened to Spencer.

  I was about to head out to the beach to search again when the threatening clouds finally made good on their promise. Colby turned on the lights and we sat uncomfortably together, listening to the rain pelting against the windows.

  Riley kept checking the clock. “You’re going to have to cancel tonight,” she said to Colby. “I’ll call the guys. You call Sky.”

  His mouth tightened but he said nothing, trying to hide his concern. Spencer wouldn’t blow off a show. That was what he’d said earlier. After making his call, Colby returned to the couch and motioned me over, patting the spot beside him. Reluctantly, I went, not knowing what else to do. We’d missed dinner, and he and Riley had opened a box of Oreos. He handed me one as he put an arm around my shoulders and squeezed. “He’s going to be fine,” he said. “I know he is.”

  I nodded, holding the cookie in my hand, knowing my stomach would revolt if I took a bite. Riley turned on the television and joined us on the couch. We were all silent now, no longer giving each other words of encouragement as we stared at the TV, lost in our own thoughts.

  After a while, I called Russ again, but he didn’t answer. Then I called Spencer too, nearly screaming with frustration when I got his voice mail again. It was long after dark now, and the rain was still falling. There was no sign of Spencer. No word of him either. He’d been gone too long.

  Something had happened to him. There was no other explanation.

  My hands came up to my face as I wept quietly. “It’s my fault,” I said. “If I hadn’t come home, Spencer would be fine. He never would have told them anything.”

  “Shh,” Riley said soothingly, coming to sit beside me. “It’s not your fault. And he wasn’t fine before you came home. He only started being fine when he saw you again.”

  I was far too worried to take in what she’d said. “We have to do something. I can’t just sit here anymore. We have to go look for him.”

  “Where?” she asked. “It’s the middle of the night. It’s pouring outside. We don’t even know where to start.”

  Knowing where to start was beside the point. Come morning, I was going to tear this town apart. I would find him, no matter what.

  At the sound of the door opening, we all froze and looked up. A moment later, Spencer walked in. He was soaked through, his hair hanging in his face, his clothes plastered to his body.

  I gasped. Pushing up off the couch, I rushed to him and threw my arms around him.

  “Sarah Smile,” he said softly. It was so good to hear his voice that I gripped him harder, feeling the wetness of his clothes seeping through my own. His arms came around me, squeezing me back just as hard.

  After a time, his hands came up and held my forearms, urging me back. When I looked up into his face, I saw the bruises and the dried blood on his lip. The door closed, and I realized Russ was in the room too.

  “What happened?” Colby asked, moving around me to put a hand on Spencer’s shoulder.

  “They grabbed him off the beach,” Russ explained.

  I was surprised to see a half smile on Spencer’s lips. “Who grabbed you?” I asked him.

  “Tweedledum and Tweedledee,” he replied. “At least, that’s what I used to call them.”

  I was too relieved to question Spencer’s odd reaction. My eyes shifted to Russ, who was also soaked to the bone, looking for an explanation.

  “They kept him at a house in the Heights all afternoon, trying to convince him to retract everything he’d said to the chief. They implied that they wouldn’t let him go until he agreed. It took me until an hour ago to track him down.” Russ looked at Spencer with something that resembled respect. “They didn’t touch Spencer until he went after them. When I walked in, he used the distraction to sucker punch Jimmy. Then he went ape-shit on the both of them.”

  My stunned gaze went back to Spencer. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. “I see you called a few times,” he said dryly. That was when Colby laughed with his own relief and pulled Spencer into a hug. Then Riley did the same.

  Once they had their turns, he reached for me again, pressing me to him. A name came together in my mind. “Jimmy Peterson?” I asked. I remembered him from the Labor Day barbecues we used to have.

  Spencer hesitated before confirming it with a nod. “And Mike Cereno,” he added. “They were both tight with my uncle.”

  “They’re still on the force?”

  “Mike is,” Russ answered. “Jimmy is retired. Look, Spencer.” Russ continued to hang back from us as he spoke. “I’ll do what I can, but it might be good for you to take off for a while. From what I’m hearing, there’s going to be an investigation. The chief will probably want to talk to you both again. But in the meantime, I would suggest you keep a low profile.”

  “Spencer can’t just disappear,” Riley protested. “He’s got shows to play. You can’t expect him to give up his life because those fucking cops—”

  “Riley, stop.” Spencer gave her harsh look. “Stop talking.” Then he cleared his throat and turned to Russ. “I appreciate the advice and what you did tonight. Thank you.”

  Spencer’s polite words surprised me, making me wonder if he’d told us everyt
hing that went on. How much did Russ have to do to get him back here?

  “Yeah, well. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place,” Russ said before looking at me. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  Spencer eyed me to see if it was okay. When I nodded, he released my hand and let Russ lead me away from them, toward the door for some privacy.

  When he stopped and turned back to me, I said, “Thank you.”

  “I know what you must think of me, Sarah.” He looked tired, and I noticed he wasn’t quite meeting my eyes. “I have no excuse for what I did, but I never expected what happened either, and I was trying to do what your father would have wanted when I advised your mother to take you girls and go. You have to know I never meant for anyone to get hurt. I hope you believe that.”

  I only nodded at him, deciding he was being sincere. But when he reached out to place a hand on my shoulder, I sucked in a breath. I was grateful that he’d helped Spencer, but I couldn’t have him touching me. Sadness washed over Russ’s features at my reaction. He said nothing more before he turned and left.

  I went back inside to find Riley interrogating Spencer.

  “How could you just go with them?” she exclaimed, her arms outstretched. When she noticed me, she said, “Spencer claims he saw those two cops on the beach watching him, and he just walked right over to them. Then he went with them when they asked him to.” Her eyes were wide. “Can you believe that shit? Are you telling me the truth? What did they really do to you?” She then planted her hands on her hips.

  Spencer closed his eyes as he raked his hands through his hair. When they opened again, he gave me a pleading look.

  “Maybe we could all talk in the morning?” I suggested.

  “Good idea.” Colby put his arm around Riley. “Let’s go back to your place, babe. Give Spencer a chance to relax. We can hear all about it tomorrow.”

  Riley scowled, knowing she was being handled. “Fine. But I want to hear everything in the morning.”

  Spencer nodded. “Thanks for worrying about me, Ri.”

  Her face smoothed out. “Yeah, well, stop making me worry.”

  He gave her a lopsided grin. “I’ll do my best.” They both hugged Spencer good-bye and then they were gone. In the quiet of the living room, he and I stood and looked at each other.

  “You wanted them to find you,” I stated.

  He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I wanted to know if they’d actually come looking for me. They didn’t make me wonder about it for long.”

  “And you really went with them willingly?” I watched his expression, trying to read it.

  His lips formed a thin line. “I had to know how far they were willing to take this. I didn’t want to be looking over my shoulder, and I couldn’t let you be around me if I thought they’d come after me.”

  I was beside myself knowing that he’d willingly walked into this, and it was partially for my sake. “The whole time you were there, they just talked to you? They didn’t touch you until you threw the first punch?”

  He shrugged. “They mostly bored me to death. They kept wanting to know what the point was in spilling my guts now. They tried to convince me there was no point.” Then his gaze skittered away from mine. Unease rippled through me. There was more. He always kept the most painful details to himself.

  “That’s not all they said. Is it?” I inched closer to him. “Tell me.”

  Shifting uncomfortably, he said, “I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.”

  I held his gaze, letting him know I wasn’t dropping it.

  He released a long breath. “They claim that I’m just as guilty as they are. I brought them the money sometimes. They think my uncle was paying me to do it.” His jaw ticked. “And they accused me of dealing drugs from the back room of my uncle’s bar.”

  “What?” My mouth fell open.

  “It happened, but it wasn’t me doing it. Uncle Jackson tried to get me to. When I refused, he found some kids in my class who were all too happy to make some money.”

  My stomach dropped. “They threatened to tell those lies about you if you continued to tell the truth about them?”

  He nodded. “They were probably empty threats. They can’t have any proof.”

  “Of course not. They were trying to scare you.” I saw a shiver run through him. “You need to get out of those wet clothes and into a hot shower.”

  Spencer didn’t seem to hear me. His eyes squeezed closed. When he opened them again, he said, “You have no idea how it felt to have them talk to me like I was still that stupid kid stuck under my uncle’s thumb. But I never backed down. I wouldn’t give an inch, and I dared them to retaliate. I practically begged them to do something to me. The whole time I was thinking that they knew my uncle beat the shit out of me on a regular basis, and they knew he killed your father. But those greedy assholes didn’t do a fucking thing. God, I was fuming, Sarah. For hours I was coming to a slow boil. Then your dad’s friend walked in. They turned their backs for a second, and I lost it.” He laughed low in his throat. “I hardly even remember it. I just know I pounded on them, and it felt so good to see their blood spilling on the floor.”

  My eyes went round at the picture he’d painted. When he noticed, he said, “It’s fucked up, right? To feel so good when you’re hurting someone else. Do you think that’s how my uncle felt when he hit me?”

  “Spencer, no.” I nearly gasped at where he was going with this. “I hope you’re not comparing yourself to your uncle. Don’t even think that.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t, not really, but today it was a hard comparison to miss.”

  “Today you fought back, in more ways than one. Everything you did was completely justified. That’s what you’re missing.”

  “Thanks.” He smiled gratefully. “But I’m not missing it, not when I have you to tell me. I like the way you see me, Sarah.”

  Sadness crept into his expression, as if he thought I was seeing him through rose-colored glasses. At that moment, I hated Jackson more than ever. He was the reason Spencer had such a hard time believing in himself.

  “Tell me how your meeting went?” he asked.

  I hadn’t forgotten about my meeting with the chief, but it wasn’t foremost in my mind anymore, not after all the hours I’d spent worrying about him. “It went okay.” I shrugged, having trouble changing topics. “It felt good to tell the truth and not have him try to convince me that I must be remembering it wrong or that I shouldn’t talk about it. He said they can’t charge your uncle since he’s dead, but they can start some kind of inquiry into what happened.”

  “Maybe a higher power has already tried and punished him,” he said. “We can hope, right?” Then he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

  I’d already thought of that myself. I wondered if somewhere my dad had finally gotten to have his say in the matter.

  It was nearly two in the morning by the time Spencer had showered and changed. In the meantime, I scrambled up some eggs and made toast for him. His face lit up when he came into the kitchen.

  “You blew up my phone all day worrying about me. You called in the calvary to rescue me, and now you’re cooking for me? I could get used to this.”

  “Get used to it,” I said as I urged him to sit, then took the chair beside him. “This is what it feels like when someone loves you.”

  His hand reached around the back of my neck to pull me in for a kiss. It was a long, slow scorcher. When it ended with me breathless and sitting in his lap, he said, “I love you too.”

  Then he kept me secured tightly to him as he dug into his food. Feeling lighter and freer than I had in a long time, I took the fork from him, ignoring his curious look, and began to feed him. Silently he watched me with his warm brown eyes as I scooped up a bite and brought it to his mouth. It wasn’t sexy food like chocolate-covered strawberries, it was just plain old eggs, but soon his eyes began to darken. Since I was still on his lap, I could f
eel his arousal.

  Spencer’s hair was damp and tousled, and he smelled like soap, fresh from his shower. Desire pooled low in my belly. He watched me as I speared the last forkful and brought it to his full lips. He must have been waiting until he finished his meal, because once the last bite was gone, he stood right up, taking me with him, and walked us into the bedroom.

  He laid me down on the bed, removed all our clothes, and covered me with his lean, muscled frame. There were no new positions this time, but the fact that it was Spencer made it different and special. The way he used his hands and mouth to touch every inch of me, the emotion behind each movement and gesture made me feel beautiful, desirable, and wanted. He had me aching for him and calling his name again and again as I spent what was left of the night shattering beneath him.

  When I woke up, I was alone. Muted light streamed in through the open window. Stretching lazily, I rolled over and inhaled Spencer’s scent that still lingered on the pillow. The best smell in the world.

  Despite the events of yesterday, I had an unfamiliar sense of peace this morning. I’d done everything I wanted to and more since I’d arrived. The freight train was silent. That was how I’d always thought of it, but usually the constant anger and frustration I lived with was more of a low hum that vibrated beneath my skin or a building pressure that made my blood race inside my veins. It took a moment for me to realize that it was no longer there. I smiled to myself, feeling like a shaken bottle of soda that had finally been uncapped.

  I got out of bed and went to look out the window. The sky was cloudy, and the air was thick with humidity that seemed to suck up all the oxygen in the room. Everything felt damp as I pulled on a T-shirt of Spencer’s he’d tossed onto the floor last night, and went in search of him.

  I found him in the living room, sitting on the couch with his legs up on the coffee table. He was freshly showered and shirtless with his damp hair pushed back off his face. A laptop rested on his thighs, and he had a fan going in the corner, blowing air in his direction. I was surprised to see him wearing small black-framed glasses.

  “Hey, sleepyhead.” He grinned up at me. Beside his eye lay a dark bruise, reminding me of all he’d been through yesterday.