If you interject yourself into this conversation with the truth and say, “Gee, I always wanted to go to Africa, but I can’t afford it,” you will not only succeed in making the group feel guilty for being richer and more worldly than you, you will also make yourself feel like even more of an outsider. However, if you volunteer a vague “Africa has always been a magical place for me,” the group will assume not only that you have been to Africa, but that you might have had a more spiritual experience there than they were able to purchase. Suddenly, you will belong. It will be a wonderful feeling, like Christmas and Chanukah combined but better.
If someone asks for the details of this trip you never made, what safari company you booked or which hotel you stayed in, answer honestly, “I don’t remember.” Then quickly and convincingly add, “I was only seven when my grandmother took me on safari.” Having a grandmother who takes you on safari as a child will not only give your act provenance, it will also give you the kind of exotic patina of a privileged past that’s invaluable to the climber. Plus, if people can’t place you, they can’t put you down.
If people in the group have known you for several months, do not worry about their wondering why you never mentioned this nonexistent globe-trotting granny before. They will simply assume that you remained silent on the subject of Africa and your granny for so long because you, unlike them, are not a show-off.
Whether you want to merely stretch the truth when you begin your adventures in Mountaineering or confabulate a whole new you is something every social climber has to decide for themselves. But if you are going to invent more than one or two fictional relatives to make yourself more interesting to strangers, it’s best to write down their names and keep a record of what you claim to have done with them over the years.
A word of caution regarding reinvention. Claiming to have gone to Harvard when you in fact flunked out of community college is asking for trouble in the age of the Internet. Likewise, claiming to be a Rockefeller is risky. Besides the fact that the last two people who tried it are currently serving time, even if you legally change your name, avoid running into a real Rockefeller, and stay on the right side of the law, you will be expected to pick up the tab and be inundated with business proposals and requests for loans that you will be unable to refuse without seeming cheap.
How to Name-Drop the Dead
One of the safest ways to make it seem that you’ve lived a far more exciting life than you have is to casually claim friendship with a genuinely famous, rich, and or/powerful person who is no longer alive.
Offhandedly mention any of the following and people will treat you differently:
“Leonard Bernstein taught me to play ‘Chopsticks.’”
“When my mom dated Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin used to babysit for me.”
“David Foster Wallace and I roomed together at the psychiatric hospital.”
“Heath Ledger and I bicycled across Tasmania.”
“James Gandolfini taught me how to make lobster fra diavolo.”
Acquire an eight-by-ten glossy of the dead somebody you’re claiming to have been close personal friends with, write a touching personal inscription to yourself, sign the person’s name, and hang it on a discreet wall of your home, a place where your guests will be sure to see it but not so prominently placed so it will seem like you’re trying to impress.
For any readers who are still worried that there’s something “phony” about social climbing, or are having a last-minute attack of conscience in regard to taking liberties with the truth—that is, misrepresenting themselves to a Big Fish—ask yourself: If we are all equal, how is it some people actually do get to play “Chopsticks” with Leonard Bernstein, or go on safari with their grandmother, or meet Heath Ledger before he got famous and died?
Is it right or fair that the man or woman who’s CEO of the company you work for and can change your life makes a thousand times more per hour than you do? Are Big Fish really that much smarter and more talented than the rest of us, or are they just lucky? Or simply more ruthless?
Social climbing is class warfare. You are not deceiving people like yourselves, you’re infiltrating behind enemy lines, taking on the powers that be, the powers that have prospered at your expense and tried to keep the secrets of social climbing from you.
Know that if you follow the tenets laid out in The Social Climber’s Bible, when you get to the top, you, unlike those whose friendship you’ll need to complete your quest, will deserve to be there.
THE WITTENBORN-JOHNSON PSYCHOLOGICAL APTITUDE TEST FOR SOCIAL CLIMBERS
Our research has shown that from a psychological standpoint, social climbers fall into six basic personality types. Knowing from the start what kind of climber you inherently are will make a huge difference when it comes to how far, fast, and high you climb. When taking the following psychological test, we urge you to be honest. Know that we are not judging you or trying to pigeonhole you. Rather, our hope is to maximize your human potential by helping you identify attributes in yourself that smaller minds might call flaws.
WARNING
If you are currently seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist, we strongly suggest that you not share the results with your mental health care professional. For example, the personality type we refer to as a Tactician many therapists regard as nothing more than a sociopath who likes to party. Note: Those of you who are currently on prescribed psychoactive medication or are self-medicating with nonprescription drugs, please take your meds far enough in advance of taking this test to give yourself an accurate sense of who you are when you’re fucked-up.
1. You are swimming in a fabulous swimming pool that belongs to someone else. You suddenly feel the urge to urinate. Do you:
a. Get out of the pool and find a bathroom.
b. Pee in the pool and hope there are no chemicals in the water that will reveal your offense.
c. Deliberately pee in the pool because those in the pool with you have not invited you to their parties.
d. Pee in the pool because you think others should consider themselves lucky to be in the same pool with you and your pee.
e. Pee in the pool because you are so drunk and/or old you do not know you are peeing.
f. Pee in the pool and blame it on someone else.
2. The last time you slept with your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, you did so because:
a. You have already slept with their parents and figure why not make it a family affair.
b. You suffer from low self-esteem, and you are running out of exciting things to discuss with your therapist.
c. You are jealous that your best friend is more successful and attractive than you are.
d. Your best friend boasted that their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife was better in bed than you.
e. You had dosed them with Ecstasy.
f. Your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife was so cool, you hoped having sex with them would make you cool.
3. When you took your SATs in high school, you cheated because:
a. You recognize cheating and getting away with it is a valuable life skill.
b. You honestly believe that you deserve an unfair advantage.
c. You knew you needed to get into a good college if you wanted to get a job in the financial services industry that would allow you to cheat people out of large sums of money.
d. SAT tests don’t reflect what truly distinguishes one human being from another . . . like, duh, being popular.
e. You come from a country where cheating has a long and honorable place in the culture.
f. You know you’re not as smart as you bullied people into believing you are.
4. When a young, handsome/beautiful, talented celebrity dies from a drug overdose you feel:
a. Sad because you will never get a chance to meet them and become friends with them.
b. Sad because you are sad when anyone dies.
c. Jealous because the celebrity is still getting more atte
ntion than you are even though they are dead.
d. Compelled to point out that the dead celebrity was not as handsome/beautiful/talented as everybody said.
e. Relieved because no one will be able to prove you have been lying about having an affair with the celebrity when you were in rehab.
f. Happy because there is one less person in the universe for you to envy.
5. Imagine you are stranded on a desert island with your boss, boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, Scarlett Johansson, Channing Tatum, and the admissions director at Princeton. Who would you eat first?
a. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, because with them gone you might get the chance to have a Blue Lagoon moment with Scarlett and/or Channing.
b. Scarlett or Channing, because if you don’t your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse will definitely have a Blue Lagoon moment with one or both of them.
b. Your boss, because if you survive and he gets eaten, you’ll have a shot at his job.
c. Scarlett Johansson, because she looks tasty, and you can be relatively confident she is gluten-free.
d. Scarlett and/or Tatum, because you are tired of hearing them talk about how hard it is to be famous.
e. The Princeton admissions director, because you didn’t get into Princeton.
6. You don’t feel guilty reading your best friend’s secret diary without permission because:
a. You know that knowledge is power.
b. You already know they think bad things about you, and it doesn’t bother you.
c. If they are stupid enough to leave their diary out around somebody like you, they deserve to have it read.
d. It will make you feel good to see how much they have always envied you.
e. If you know your best friend’s most embarrassing secrets, it will be easier for you to get them to loan you money . . . again.
f. Because you know that if you asked to read it, they would say no, so they are not really your best friend anyway.
7. When you’re at a party and people richer, more attractive, and/or more popular than yourself snub you, you:
a. Take their low opinion of you as a sign they are worth getting to know.
b. Recognize that their low opinion of you demonstrates their excellent taste and confirms your doubts about yourself.
c. Try to seduce them so you can have the satisfaction of criticizing their lack of sexual prowess.
d. Hope they get fat and develop a disfiguring skin disease so you can give them cruel nicknames.
e. Excuse yourself from the party and pee on the door handle of their car.
f. Tell everyone how much you like them and that the rumors about their genital warts are not true.
8. When you look in the mirror, you see;
a. Someone who deserves more.
b. Someone who needs help.
c. Someone who would be a better person if there was money in it.
d. Someone you would rather not have sex with.
e. Someone you wish you could have sex with.
f. The most honest and loving person you know.
9. When people compliment you, you:
a. Wonder what they want from you.
b. Know they are lying and/or being sarcastic.
c. Think they are a bad judge of character and wonder how you can take advantage of their stupidity.
d. Tell them they have great taste.
e. Worry that you will now have to pay back the money you borrowed from them.
f. Return the compliment in hopes you can get something from them.
10. When you look at this picture, you see:
a. People you haven’t met who can help you.
b. People having fun at a party you’re not invited to.
c. You on your yacht in Saint Tropez surrounded by celebrity friends, with a hundred million dollars in your bank account.
d. A part of your body you should consider shaving.
e. All the lies you’ve told that make you seem more interesting.
f. All the people who wish they were you.
To score the test and find out what kind of social climber you are, add up the number of a, b, c, d, e, and f answers you have given.
If you have five or more “a” answers, you fall under the personality type we call a Tactician. You are, above all else, patient. Like a deer tick, you may wait a full year before attaching yourself to a warm-blooded creature who can carry you to the top. You are willing to become bosom buddies with six thoroughly unpleasant people in order to gain an introduction to the one person you really want to meet. As a child, you were good at making the most popular boy or girl in your class emotionally dependent on you. You know how to do just enough to seem like a better person than you are. You help others and generously volunteer small lies and alibis for recent acquaintances so when the time comes they will have to tell big lies for you.
Five or more “b” answers, you’re what we call a Velcro-Climber. You have a God-given knack for attaching yourself to those who can advance you whether they like you or not. Your popularity has always stemmed from the fact that since you refuse to take a hint to get lost, you are impossible to ditch. By relentlessly inflicting your presence on others more popular, talented, and powerful than yourself, you wear down their defenses so that by the end of the evening, it is less exhausting for the somebodies of this world to let you hang with them than to keep running from you. Velcro-Climbers are often emotionally or physically impaired and are therefore skilled at making others feel guilty that they have more. Often, you enjoy playing the role of designated driver, and you are a skilled mixologist, which enables you to get people so drunk they have to let you drive them home.
Five or more “c” answers, you’re what we call a Go-Getter. Being pushy comes naturally to you, you have always been aggressive toward people, especially those smaller and weaker than yourself. You want what others have, even if you don’t want what they have. Usually, but not always, Go-Getters find themselves identifying with the shark on childhood trips to the aquarium. You are good at taking credit for other people’s ideas and have always felt that those who lack the moral fortitude to lie and cheat deserve to be taken advantage of by people like yourself. Though the climbing techniques that come naturally to you are not subtle or pretty to watch, they are particularly effective for those trying to get ahead in New York City, Los Angeles, Third World dictatorships, or dystopian novels.
Five or more “d” answers, you’re what we call the Taste Meister. You have always had the wisdom to value superficial things, people, and ideas. You understand the most pressing problems facing the world are not human rights, malnutrition, or the environmental crisis, but the ever-growing number of people with bad taste who are not using birth control. You believe that people who look intelligent and happy in photographs actually are, which is why you like to have your picture taken. You have been adept since childhood at covering up your lack of sophistication and creativity by convincing others you know more about being superficial than they do. You have always known how to make others feel dumb and boring for not buying or liking the same things that you do. Because Taste Meisters need money and/or power to inflict their bad taste on innocent bystanders, they often obtain rich and powerful girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses and/or choose professions that enable them to spend extremely large sums of other people’s money on objects that go out of fashion shortly after it’s too late to return them.
Five or more “e” answers, you’re what we call a Mysterious Stranger. People who have known you for years don’t really know you, and you continually surprise yourself by your instinctive ability to exaggerate your accomplishments. Mysterious Strangers often, but not always, have an unusually honest face. This, coupled with a raconteur’s gift for telling interesting stories about your life that never happened allows you to make new friends quickly. You have never let the truth get in the way of a good story, particularly if it makes you look good. Well-dressed unemployed foreigners and stylish individuals with fake acc
ents and good table manners often fall into this “unknown” category.
Five or more “f” answers, you’re what we call the Good Old-Fashioned Phony. People have always liked you because you tell them what they want to hear. You never say a bad word about anyone or anything. But beneath your sunny disposition, you have the good sense to always suspect the worst of others. Good Old-Fashioned Phonies often have freckles and unusually large eyes, features that make people inclined to make the mistake of trusting them. You are often perceived as naïve, idealistic, and good-hearted. Only you know you would have drowned kittens to get ahead. People don’t realize how smart you are until you have stolen their friends and have outclimbed them.
Those whose answers indicate several kinds of personality traits should take comfort in the fact that they have the makings of a well-rounded Mountaineer. Those whose answers to nine or more questions fall into any single category should know you are truly special and, as such, should consider adjusting your medication and retaking this test.
DO I HAVE TO DITCH MY OLD FRIENDS TO MEET GLAMOROUS AND EXCITING NEW PEOPLE?
“Ditch” is an ugly word. We prefer to think of it as pruning the deadwood from the forest of your life so the new person you’re about to become can grow tall. Or, as the Zen members of the social climbing community call it, practicing the art of “friend shui.”
We understand that saying good-bye to lifelong friends and family members who will be a social liability can be hard. But honestly, do you really want your older brother hanging around telling Anna Wintour how you got the nickname Stinky?
Do you want that childhood friend who, after that first glass of Pinot Grigio, never fails to tell the story about the summer you gave crabs to all the lifeguards at Jones Beach tagging along with you to the polo matches in Bridgehampton?
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #7
Are your friends really your friends? Have you ever considered the possibility that your siblings and or childhood pals say embarrassing things about you because they have always resented you for being smarter, more talented, and more attractive than they are?
The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile Page 3
