Couple that possibility with the fact that if you let them ride on your coattails and brought them along to all the fabulous places you’ll be going, wouldn’t they, in their heart of hearts, know that they, unlike you, don’t belong? Isn’t it even more obvious that they’d resent you for wanting to belong? Trust us, it is kinder and safer to delete them from your contacts before you even begin your climb.
The most difficult steps a fledgling Mountaineer has to take are the ones that come before he or she ever steps out the door and goes to the first party. Just as we asked you to take off your clothes and stand naked in front of the mirror to appraise your own physical assets, now it’s time to cast a cold and unsentimental look at the people in your life.
Make a list of everyone you know. Relatives, friends, acquaintances, etc. Those who have more social entrée, access, or helpful friends than you do, mark as Keepers. Everyone else in your life is now a non-Keeper.
The odds are you will be shocked by how few Keepers you have. Don’t be discouraged. Try to remember the name of the girl who sat next to you in kindergarten who ate paste but whose family had a private plane. The hairless boy at sleepaway camp whom everybody made fun of for wetting his bed but went to Exeter. Yes, you made fun of him, too—but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends now that you need him. He probably needs you, too.
Google search that great-aunt who called your grandfather white trash and has not spoken to your family since she married that Park Avenue surgeon or a Beverly Hills attorney. The chances are she’ll enjoy hearing from you, especially if you volunteer that you now think your grandfather’s white trash, too, and have followed her example and cut off contact with your family.
The world is a smaller place than you think. Be cheered by the fact that, at most, six degrees of separation lie between you and the kind of somebody who could change your life. Just to play it safe (without making it obvious), before ditching your old friends, casually inquire if they or any of their relations know anyone rich and/or famous. If so, make a point of getting them to introduce you to their somebodies before burning them with the rest of your personal deadwood.
Obviously, the deadwood in your life includes any individuals you are currently romantically involved with.
You know better than anyone that if your boyfriend/girlfriend had anything going for them you wouldn’t be turning to The Social Climber’s Bible for comfort.
Once you have culled the non-Keepers from your social life, if the old crowd asks why you don’t return their phone calls or hang out with them anymore at Hooters or the Olive Garden (or any other establishments you should never be caught dead in again, unless you are a climber who hopes to hang with the stars of Duck Dynasty), do not tell them the truth. Tell them you’ve given up drinking or are going to night school. If they persist, especially if the non-Keepers include family members, we strongly suggest moving to a different city and/or state.
Curiously enough, not knowing anybody in a new city can work to your advantage. The kind of creative embellishment of your backstory discussed in the previous chapter will be infinitely easier if you don’t have to worry about people you grew up with constantly saying, “That’s not true.”
Everyone who moves to “the Big City,” especially if they’re in their twenties or early thirties, reinvents themselves. They try on different lifestyles and attitudes, expose themselves to types of people they never would have met had they stayed at home. The only difference between the civilian who comes to Gotham and makes new friends and the social climber is that the social climber makes new friends with a sense of purpose and a game plan.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #8
Budding Mountaineers, new to the ways of the Big City, can still have dreams about how they want their life to turn out but never illusions about the friends and connections they’ll need to obtain to make those dreams come true.
Know this: You aren’t going to get to the top by befriending floundering fictional characters like those depicted in HBO’s hit series Girls. The kinds of friends you need to make things happen for you in real life are the supremely well-connected actresses who portray those girls.
The multitalented star Lena Dunham, who’s also the creator, writer, director, and producer of Girls, is the child of two highly accomplished artists who knew everyone who was anyone in the culture ghetto of New York, plus: designer Zac Posen was her babysitter, and she graduated from the elite private school Saint Ann’s. Equally well-connected Zosia Mamet, aka Shoshanna Shapiro, happens to be the daughter of Pulitzer Prize–winning playwright, screenwriter, and director David Mamet. Marnie Michaels, played by Allison Williams, graduated from Yale and is lucky enough to be the daughter of NBC’s star anchorman Brian Williams. And last but not least, Jemima Kirke, who plays Jessa Johansson and also attended Saint Ann’s, has a double whammy going for her: She’s the child of a rock star (Bad Company’s Simon Kirke) and the granddaughter of a London billionaire, “Black Jack” Dellal.
If you, like 99.9 percent of the world, do not have the good fortune to have as famous, talented, well-connected, and rich parents as the girls on Girls do, and weren’t lucky, privileged, or smart enough to attend private schools or matriculate at Ivy League universities, don’t waste time envying or resenting those with more: Get to know them!
If you are starting out from social ground zero and have just moved to a new city and literally know no one and do not have a job that will bring you in touch with anyone or anything remotely fabulous, the first and most important thing for you to do is get off Facebook and any and all social websites, dating services, chat rooms, etc. that you are in any way connected to.
Why?
An old posting, a snapshot, for example, of you flashing your ta-tas back on spring break of ’10, admitting “liking” Justin Bieber, or any one of the embarrassing things and people you used to “like” before you decided to become a social climber could be as much a liability as those indiscreet friends and family you have already cut out of your new life.
Purge any and all embarrassing details and indiscretions from cyberspace, to make sure your past does not sabotage your future.
For now, leave your virtual life a blank canvas. When you have acquired enough exciting friends and photos of yourself doing cool and extraordinary things to make it appear to those more connected than yourself that you are more popular and successful than you are, we will show you how to fill up the blank canvas of your life with such verve and panache you won’t recognize yourself.
But between then and now, we have a lot of work to do.
Here are some practical and affordable first steps that will put upwardly mobile strangers new to a city in a position where they can become best buddies with someone who can help them step into the winner’s circle.
1. Get a list of all the Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, and Narcotics Anonymous meetings offered in your city and start attending those that are held in the basements of churches, community centers, or public spaces in the hippest, most exclusive and expensive neighborhoods. Every one of America’s first families has at least one heir or heiress with a substance abuse problem. Just look at the Kennedys. Take note of those in recovery who are accessorized with twenty-thousand-dollar Hermès Kelly bags and have not succumbed to hocking their Rolex watches and five-carat Tiffany diamond studs to buy crack or go on a bender. Listen carefully when those struggling with their addictions begin to share—those who have fallen off the wagon at the Times Square Blarney Stone are not Keepers. Those who make reference to having recently backslid at exclusive golf and country clubs, hot restaurants, or exotic resorts are Keepers. Being in recovery, they could use and will be genuinely grateful for a responsible new friend like yourself.
Note: If you are already in the program, better still! Becoming the sponsor of a derelict with a large trust fund or a Master of the Universe with an OxyContin problem can change the whole trajectory of your climb. If your recovering Big Fish accuses you of being pushy when you insi
st on accompanying him or her to a social function they don’t want to bring you to, you can honestly say that you are insisting on riding on their coattails simply to safeguard their sobriety.
2. Check the pages of the newspaper online every day for memorial services open to the public to celebrate the lives of recently deceased statesmen, captains of industry, celebrities, and society figures who never would have deigned to talk to you while they were alive. You’ll be surprised: The bigger the dead fish, the more likely the memorial will be open to the public. Dead rich and famous people have famous friends who are still alive and can help you.
Remember to arrive early enough to get a seat just behind the section in the cathedral, synagogue, or mosque that is reserved for family. Dress properly. Weep discreetly and you’ll have a better than fifty-fifty chance, as the anthropologists put it, of “making first contact” with a member of the tribe you want to join, especially if you recognize someone from all those AA meetings you’ve been attending.
Being grief-stricken, those who actually knew the deceased will be unlikely to press you for specifics as to when and where you met their late, great friend. As always, do your homework and read the obits carefully. If the deceased had an affection for Scottish terriers, say you went to the Westminster dog show together. If the departed had a ski house in the Alps and died in an avalanche, say you met them in the deep powder of Val D’Isère. Those who live in New York City and are not squeamish should make a habit of popping into the Frank E. Campbell Funeral Chapel on Madison Avenue to see who has checked out and checked in. Open-casket viewings of a dead Big Fish always attract a good crowd.
3. Upscale art gallery openings are also a perfect place to make the acquaintance of your first Big Fish.
Those willing to drop 400K for a work on paper with as little concern as you have springing for extra cheese on a sandwich are the kind of people you want to get to know.
Plus, at art gallery openings, they hand out free glasses of white wine. A word to the wise: Before imbibing, make sure none of your friends from AA are there. If you see someone you recognize from the memorial service or from your trip to the funeral home, make a point of greeting them with a hug and a heartfelt, “I can’t believe our friend’s not with us anymore.” Ask for a price list from one of the attractive young men or women who work in the gallery. If this is New York City, they will be rude to you. Mention your financial advisor wants to start diversifying your portfolio into the contemporary art market and they will probably still be rude to you, but it will plant a seed of uncertainty regarding your place in the food chain, which you will be able to build upon when you get to your next cultural freebie.
4. The art auctions at Sotheby’s, Christie’s, Parke-Bernet, etc., are also open to the public. During the big sales, the rich, the powerful, and the famous descend on them to do just what you’re doing—social climbing—but we will have more to say on Kunst climbing later. For now, look around for people who ignored you at the memorial services and the art gallery openings you’ve been attending. Strange but true: You will no longer be a deadbeat if you raise your paddle and bid against Peter Brant, the polo-playing billionaire art collector/industrialist husband of aging supermodel Stephanie Seymour for a $120 million dead shark floating in formaldehyde signed by Damien Hirst. Now the gallery assistants who didn’t believe you had a financial advisor will not only make a point of introducing you to the artist they’re showing at the next opening, they’ll also invite you to the swank and exclusive dinner that will invariably be held afterward. Word of caution: Stay in the bidding long enough to be noticed, but drop out in time to avoid being arrested for making the winning bid on a $120 million dead fish when you only have sixteen dollars in your bank account.
5. There isn’t a Church of Upward Mobility . . . yet.
Social climbing in the right house of worship will not only bring you closer to heaven, it can make your prayers come true.
Every major city in the world has one special church, cathedral, temple, or mosque where the elite absolve themselves of the sins they committed to get where they are. Find the powerhouse of faith in your city and start praying—you never know who will be on their knees next to you at holiday time. Casually mention that due to a foul-up with airlines, you can’t fly home for Christmas, Yom Kippur, or Ramadan, and you just might find yourself breaking bread with a Big Fish.
For those who live in California, especially readers with aspirations in the entertainment industry, the Church of Scientology is of course a viable alternative. But we must caution those who are considering the L. Ron Hubbard route in their climb—with Scientology there is always the risk that before you can start climbing, you’ll have to spend a year or two putting starch in John Travolta’s briefs.
6. Do your homework. Memorize the names and faces pictured on the party pages of Vanity Fair, Vogue, New York Magazine, or that glossy city mag that’s published in whatever metropolis you currently reside in. Keep track of who and what social functions appear in the Style section of the New York Times and W magazine. Check out Bill Cunningham’s “Evening Hours” pics, New York Social Diary, and society shutterbug Patrick McMullan’s website. Monitor those mentioned in gossip columns like “Page Six” and in the society rags like Avenue, Hamptons Magazine, South Beach Magazine, and so on. By the time you finish reading this book, many of the names and faces that appear in them will already be déclassé, but they will still be able to introduce you to people who aren’t.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with claiming to be friends with boldface celebs you haven’t met, but only amateurs drop their first names.
With hard work, a little luck, and a few liberties with reality at the above-mentioned events, you might have the good fortune to have already stumbled upon what every social climber needs—a new best friend who will serve as your champion, Sherpa, and guide.
As a social climber who’s just starting off, you will have many rivers to cross, some so wide and treacherous, so filled with obstacles, they might take years to traverse—unless you find someone willing to carry you on their back. People who provide this service fall into two categories, which we like to refer to as Turtles and Swans.
Turtles are individuals who have social resources they are too shy, awkward, and insecure to take advantage of or exploit on their own, i.e., Turtles are unlike you. Sometimes, but not always, they are inhibited by a physical handicap other than their shell—a lisp, a stutter, a limp, a case of acne that makes them resemble a parboiled parrot. But a good Turtle always has parents and/or grandparents who possess at least two of the following: old money, new money, artistic accomplishment, international renown, political prominence (senator, governor, cabinet minister), or an inherited title.
Often, but not always, Turtles are accomplished in their own right, but their shells are so thick and isolating they are unable to or unaware of how to take advantage of their position in the world. Doors have been open to them their whole lives. But being Turtlelike, they’re too fearful to come out of their shells and cross over to assume their rightful place on the other side of the velvet rope—that is, until you climb on their back and steer them in the right direction.
The relationship between you and your Turtle is not exploitative. Your Turtle is not a beast of burden. Your Turtle takes you to the party, but you show him how to have a good time and introduce him to all the new and exciting people you wouldn’t have met without him. A smart social climber is always nice to the Turtle; unlike fleas or other parasites, you do not feed off your Turtle, you devour the good life together.
As you become a more accomplished climber, in all likelihood you will acquire more than one Turtle. When that happens, you must always remember to make each Turtle feel special. Though the relationship can become so intimate that your reflection will virtually be painted on your Turtle’s shell, you should never, never, never have sex with your Turtle. You won’t be tempted, but your Turtle will, even if you are average-looking.
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nbsp; When your friendship with your Turtles has given them the newfound self-confidence to bring up the subject of sex (and they will), soften your rejection by telling them you love them like a brother or sister and introduce them to people who like to have sex with Turtles but have no social ambitions of their own. If you do not know anyone who will fit this bill, you can meet them by attending a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.
Whereas Turtles are slow, unattractive, and reliable rides, Swans, both the male and the female of this subspecies of social transport, are as unpredictable as they are unnaturally beautiful. Swans are usually but not always models, actors, or actresses. Being Swans, i.e., gorgeous, they are invited everywhere—in part because rich and powerful people who throw parties want to have sex with them, but more often simply because Big Fish want to make their friends think they have had sex with them. Swans are sometimes but not always less intelligent and less socially connected than Turtles. But there are exceptions, i.e., “It” girls, who are female Swans with jobs in the fashion industry that don’t pay enough for them to afford to get fatter than a size four.
Swans will be happy to bring someone as average as yourself to a social function, either a) because they are so beautiful they are insecure that they have nothing else to offer, or b) because if they appear to have a date, it’ll be easier for them to say no to their host’s or hostess’s sexual advances without offending them.
But know this about Swans: Yes, it’s fun to ride on such gorgeous backs, but you are not their “date.” They have brought you to the party because if they meet someone who can advance their careers or make them forget the heartbreak of being so beautiful, they can fly off without having to say good-bye and/or inform you that you are being dumped for the night.
The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile Page 4
