Never

by Lulu Pratt

  He lies down, and I snuggle into him again. It’s odd, but for some reason, I don’t believe him. I believe that he is glad that I am here, and I believe that he wants a baby. But to say that it is all he has ever wanted? I am not so sure.

  Then again, as I lay beside him and I feel him drift off to sleep, I wonder if I am just thinking that to justify my actions. Despite how much I do like him, and I do, I can’t forget or forgive what he did to my sister. I just hope that when the time comes and I have the baby, that I can go through with what I have planned. I owe Lyndsey that much.

  Chapter 21

  BLAKE

  The past week has been incredible. More than that. Words don’t really do it justice. And it’s all to do with Carrie. I wonder if it’s because it is Carrie specifically, or if I would feel this way were it some other girl?

  I’ve been thinking that all week, and I hate to admit it, even to myself, but I am pretty sure that it is all Carrie.

  She is just so incredible. Physically, she is supreme. Her body is amazing, and whenever we have sex, I relish in the chance to touch her and have her all to myself. And we have been having a lot of sex, too. Even though she isn’t ovulating, all we do is have sex. Every night and every morning. Even right now, it’s only lunch time, and I want to rush home so I can have her again. It doesn’t get old.

  But it is more than just the sex. It’s the companionship. It’s strange, but I have spent almost my entire life single. The last really serious relationship I had was in high school, and the way that ended left a scar that took a while to heal. It’s because of that I’ve avoided relationships, and I’ve always thought that was best for me. But now? Well, now, I’m not so sure.

  After we have sex, Carrie will snuggle by my side and the two of us talk. Not about anything special, just regular chit chat. But every second of it is amazing. I could talk to her for hours, and sometimes, I do.

  It’s a feeling that I’ve never experienced, and I wonder if that is what all my friends are always going on about. Ben often tells me that his favorite night of the week is Sunday because the kids are with the babysitter and he and Janet get to be alone together. I told him he’s crazy, but now I’m not so sure.

  I’m having a hard time concentrating. Like I said, it’s been this way all week. I should be working, but I keep on thinking about tonight. I just can’t wait to get home. What’s more is that I have a good feeling that tonight is the night I get Carrie pregnant. I can just feel it. Sure, she says that she isn’t ovulating until tomorrow, but something just tells me that tonight will be the one.

  I have another go at concentrating on work, but soon realize that it isn’t going to happen. Maybe I should just go home and start again on Monday? I decide that this is for the best and begin to pack my things.

  I am my own boss, after all, and can do what I want.

  As I turn off my computer, my work phone rings. I stare at it as it continues to ring, wondering if I should even answer it. It might be important, but chances are, it’s just some client checking in on me, seeing if I still have their priorities in order.

  I sigh and fall back in my chair. I let the phone ring one more time and pick it up. “Hello, Blake here.”

  “Eight rings. What took you so long?” It’s Ben on the other end.

  I wonder what he is doing, calling my work phone when he has my cell. But then I remember that he’s old fashioned and just has an affinity for landlines.

  “I’m a busy guy, Ben,” I say, trying to sound important. “Clients, movies, directors. It’s big and important stuff.”

  “Yeah, right,” he scoffs down the other end. “It’s a Friday, so I know you were just getting ready to leave for the bar.”

  “What do you want?” I say, cutting him down. “Speak now or the phone is hanging up in three, two, one.”

  “Okay,” he says quickly. “I was actually calling for a reason. I wanted to know what you were doing Saturday.”

  “This Saturday?”

  “Yeah, the day that comes after today. I’m sure you have big important meetings and everything. But is there any chance you can pull yourself away from them?”

  Ben has always thought my job to be a little silly, truth be told. He’s not really a movie guy, and I think that’s the exact reason we get along so well.

  “For you, Ben? I think I can make an exception.”

  “Perfect. I’m having a barbecue, and I wouldn’t be totally opposed to you coming along.”

  “Oh fuck, no I can’t actually.” Carrie and I had discussed staying in all night and trying as many times as possible.

  “What, really?” He asks, surprised. “What are you doing?”

  “I have a date if you must know. With Carrie.”

  “Bring her along, then. I don’t mind”

  “I don’t know,” I begin.

  I wonder if I should. Not only because I want to spend the night trying for a baby, but I also don’t know if I am ready yet for her to meet my friends. I don’t even know if she would want to.

  “Come on. I don’t bite, and I am sure that I can ask Janet not to as well. I want to meet the special lady.”

  “I don’t think special is the right word,” I say dismissively.

  “Yeah, right,” he scoffs again. “I don’t think I’ve ever known you to blow off seeing your friends for a girl. Come to think of it, I don’t think you’ve ever had a girl long enough to blow your friends off for.”

  “Whatever,” I say, trying to shut him down.

  But even I can’t deny that what he is saying is closer to the truth than I would like to admit. I can try to deny what Carrie means to me, but the evidence doesn’t lie.

  “Is that a yes?” Ben asks.

  “If it means ending this conversation, yeah,” I joke.

  “Perfect! The barbecue starts around one. So come around then.”

  I hang up the phone chuckling to myself. Still in my seat, I stare at the phone, lost in thought. I hate how well Ben knows me, and I hate how right he is. I can lie to him all I want, but my actions speak for themselves.

  I just wonder how Carrie feels about the whole thing. It’s odd, but I hope she feels the same way. I hope that she isn’t in this just for the money, but maybe because she sees me as something more.

  I shake my head as this thought hits me. It’s alien to me and scares me just a little. I need to keep my mind focused. I am using Carrie to have a baby and nothing more. At least that is what I am telling myself.

  Chapter 22

  CARRIE

  Blake’s house really is amazing. As I walk through the living room to the spare room where my laptop is set up, I pinch myself in disbelief. I am in awe. Every day, I wake up and keep my eyes closed tight in the fear that when I open them, I will be back in my own place and realize this is all just a dream. But then I open them, I see Blake beside me, and I realize that it really is happening. When that happens, I laugh. I just cannot believe it.

  And it isn’t just the house that I love, but the atmosphere that comes with it. It feels like I am constantly on vacation. Christina, the housekeeper, cleans every morning, the chefs cook and all I have to worry about is Blake.

  Every night, Blake comes home from work, and the two of us talk about our day. Then we have sex. And then we usually have sex again. The sex is unreal and gets better every single time. We have begun to learn about each other’s bodies, what we both like and dislike. Each time we learn, the sex improves.

  I’m finding myself liking Blake more and more. At first, it’s more physical than anything. Now that I’ve gotten to know him, I can’t help but admit that I am starting to fall for him. Even now, sitting at my laptop. It’s only just past lunch, and I continually check the clock, hoping that it’s time for him to come home.

  I shake my head as these thoughts intrude. I’m at my laptop, and I need to concentrate on my book. The book is coming along so well. Being around Blake has provided the perfect inspiration, and the words flow from my finge
rtips like water from a fountain.

  Every night as I sleep with Blake and every morning as I say goodbye, I feel inspired. The book will be finished in no time and when that happens? Well, maybe, I will have a place like this one day.

  I begin to type and something odd happens. I can’t find the words. It’s the first time since I arrived here that I have struggled to type. And I know why. I can’t stop thinking about tomorrow night.

  It’s the first day of my ovulation, and I know that Blake will be extra excited about having sex. In fact, I’m quite sure that he is going to have something planned. That’s just how he is.

  My only worry is that he is going to start treating me like some sort of baby-making machine. The last few nights have been all about the sex and pleasure. He has been so attuned to my body and my needs that I had almost forgotten why we are doing what we are. But now that I am ready, I fear that he will forget about me.

  I’m also worried about what will happen after. Every day, I can feel myself liking Blake more, and every day, I question my future plans. I loved my sister, and I still do. I would, and will, do anything to avenge her. I just hope that when the time comes, I am able. I hope that I can do it.

  The phone rings, snapping me from my thoughts. I pick it up, smiling when I see it is Amy calling. I could use the distraction, and I answer the phone happily.

  “Amy,” I say.

  “Carrie,” she says, feigning a serious tone. “How are you?”

  “Good,” I gush. “How can I not be?”

  “Okay, rub it in why don’t you,” she says, laughing to herself. “You live in a palace with a hunk who showers you with gifts and what I assume is pretty amazing sex. Which is why, I’m assuming, that you have been there all week?”

  “Did you call just to complain?”

  I haven’t told Amy the real reason for me having moved in with Blake. Not yet anyway. I plan on it. I do. But no point in saying anything before I get pregnant. I just don’t know how she is going to take it. Especially since she knows who he is and the history he had with my sister.

  “No, I miss you, silly,” she says. “And I have a few minutes to kill between appointments, and you’re at the top of my speed dial.”

  “Well, like you said, everything is going amazingly.” I don’t care how pretentious it might sound. “Like seriously, he has his own chefs even. It’s insane.”

  “And the sex?” She pushes.

  “Is unreal, of course. You hit the nail on the head before. Why else would I be shacked up here?”

  “Girl, I’m just glad that you’re getting some. Finally. Now when I start getting a little of my own, we can have a party.” She’s joking, but I can hear the envy in her voice. “Does he know, though?”

  “Know what?” I ask. For a moment, I worry that she knows my plan. But that’s impossible. She doesn’t even know about the baby yet.

  “About you and Lyndsey? Have you told him who you are?”

  “Oh that,” I say, and I breathe a sigh of relief. “No, not yet.”

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  “I will,” I assure her. “When the time is right.”

  “And when will that be? The longer you wait, the more awkward that conversation is going to be. ‘Hi. Just so you know, you used to date my sister, and I know that you dumped her because she was pregnant.’ That will be fun.”

  “I know,” I assure her. “I’m going to soon. It’s just, I don’t know.”

  “Wait a minute,” she cuts in. “Either the sex is that great or you’re starting to like him.” I’m silent and that tells her everything. “You do like him!”

  It’s just now that I hear the front door open. Blake is home, hours earlier than usual. My heart skips in my chest.

  “I’ve got to go,” I say quickly.

  “What? No, don’t you dare!”

  I hang up the phone and leap from my chair. I don’t even realize how excited I am until I’m halfway to the door. I slow myself down, not wanting to act like an excited puppy when its master comes home.

  Spotting Blake walking across the living room, I offer him a warm smile and walk toward him. He returns the smile, holding his arms out in a mock exaggeration. Even still, I walk into them and hug him with all my might.

  “Hey, honey,” he says jokingly.

  “Hey, sweetie,” I reply.

  It’s in this moment that I realize something. I really like Blake. Despite all my blustering and denial, I really like this guy. More than I had planned. And as he continues to hold me and kisses me on the head, I wonder to myself if I will have the strength to do what I need to. I wonder if I will be able to leave him and take the baby when I do.

  Somehow, now, I’m not so sure.

  Chapter 23

  BLAKE

  I have given the chefs a night off. They usually don’t work every night, anyway, and have only been doing so on account of Carrie being here. So, with them gone, I have ordered a pizza for Carrie and me instead.

  I watch with a smile as Carrie devours the pizza. Cheese runs down her chin, and her fingertips are coated in grease. She licks them clean, laughing as she does. I get the sense that she enjoys the pizza as much as any of the meals we have eaten this week.

  I have to remind myself that she’s not used to my lifestyle. She isn’t impressed or wowed by riches and fancy things like so many girls who I date. It’s one of the many reasons I find myself falling for her.

  “Dear God, this is good pizza,” she croons as she swallows the last piece. “Even the pizza on this side of the tracks is nicer.”

  “This side of the tracks,” I say with a chuckle. “What tracks?”

  “It’s an expression,” she says, smirking. “You know what I mean.”

  I watch her with a smile on my face, unable and unwilling to hide it. In this moment, I am happier than I can remember ever really being. I’m glad that she is having my baby. But I am also glad that it is with her specifically.

  “Hey, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon and night?” I ask.

  “Oh, this and that,” she responds with a smile.

  “Do you think you can postpone it for a night?” I joke.

  “I’m sure I can work something out. Why?”

  “I spoke to my friend Ben earlier, and he invited me to a barbecue at his place tomorrow. I want you to come with me.”

  “Tomorrow,” she begins. She frowns as she does, as if she has suddenly remembered something. Even before she speaks, I know what she is going to say. “But tomorrow is my first day. I thought we were going to be, well, busy?”

  “I’m sure we will find time to have sex tomorrow. Don’t worry about that. And besides. If not tomorrow, there is always the next day. And the day after that.”

  “And you don’t mind? Me always hanging around here? I thought you would be getting sick of me by now?”

  “There was a chance of that,” I say, holding her eyes with my own as I do. “But you’ve grown on me, believe it or not. I find myself liking having you around.”

  “Is that right?” She asks, not even bothering to hide her tremendous smile. Her cheeks flush red as she does.

  “That’s right,” I say back.

  “Okay, you’ve got me. I’ll come tomorrow, on one condition.”

  “Which is?”

  “That you let me use that Jacuzzi tonight? I haven’t used it yet, and it’s been calling my name all week.”

  “You haven’t used it yet?” I ask, feigning shock. “Well, in that case, I insist. But only if you let me join you. On that condition, I can’t be moved.”

  She bites her lip as she pretends to think on the proposal. “I don’t think so.”

  She suddenly jumps to her feet. She winks at me, turns and runs to my bedroom.

  “No, you don’t!” I yell, and I chase after her. She screams when she hears me coming, and as I chase her into the bathroom, I pick her up off her feet.

  “Put me down!” She laughs as I dangle her above the floo
r.

  “Only if you promise to let me join you.”

  “Fine, I give up!” She’s still laughing as I put her down. “You can join me. In fact, that might make the Jacuzzi even more enjoyable.”

  I smile and walk forward to turn on the faucet. The hot water pours from the faucet, filling up the tub. As I watch the water rise, I begin to undress.

  “I love your tattoos,” she says as she watches me take my clothes off.

  “Oh yeah? Which ones?” I drop my pants to the floor.

  “All of them. But if I had to pick, I would say that one.” She points to a tattoo on the back of my shoulder. It’s my favorite one as well. “What does it mean?”

  “Have I not told you?” I ask.

  “No.”

  “It’s supposed to represent the Gordian knot,” I say. I run my hand through the water, testing the heat. “It’s based on an old story about Alexander the Great. I won’t bore you with the details, but basically it was foretold that whoever could undo this knot would rule the world.”

  “And he undid it?” She asks, wide-eyed. She is totally naked now, and I have to work to maintain my concentration. Her body is incredible, and I just want to take her, here and now.

  “He cut it with his sword,” I explain. “And the knot fell undone.”

  “That’s cheating!”

  “No, it’s thinking outside the box. I got the tattoo in college to remind me that there’s always another way to do something, and that way, the one that no one has tried before, is often the most effective.”

  “Ah, I see,” she says. “Very clever.”

  “Do I hear sarcasm in your voice?” I ask.

  “Is there ever not?”

  “So you don’t buy the story then?”

  “Well,” she begins. “It’s not so much that I don’t buy it. But more that I think he cheated. If the story is about cheating to achieve your goals, then that’s fine. But to say that he undid the knot? That’s a stretch.”

  “Come here!”

  I take a quick step forward and scoop Carrie off her feet. She lets out a fake scream as I throw her over my shoulder. With her still on my shoulder, I reach forward and turn off the running water. The Jacuzzi is full, and I step gingerly into it, sinking into its depths, still carrying her over my shoulder the entire time.