Under the Cornerstone

by Sasha Marshall

  “The way you sound,” he says as he works between my legs. “The sounds alone could make me come.”

  He continues to play between my thighs, making me weak in the knees.

  “Easy, I’m nowhere near done with you,” he growls.

  I moan again and again as he brings me closer to a release.

  His left hand leaves my hip, the sound of his zipper rings out in the air, and then I feel the heat of his skin against my back. I feel him spring free and the sound of a foil wrapper being torn open comes next. He spins me around slowly, and then guides me to the back of the door. Both his hands come up to cup my face as he stares deeply into me. His tongue snakes out against his busted lip.

  I try to pull my face away from him, because he’s right, I’m scared. But his hand finds the bottom of my chin and pulls me back to him. His lips slowly dip down until they touch mine and the tip of his tongue grazes my own lips. I instantly open up to him. I can’t help it. He does this to me. He makes me want him. He kisses me deeply. He owns me with it. He pulls my fucking heart right out of my chest with it.

  Slowly, he picks me up and my legs wrap around him. He pushes inside of me, but doesn’t break the kiss. His pace feels frenzied and desperate, but he doesn’t pummel into me. He’s taking his time, even though it feels like he’s holding something back.

  “You let me inside of you,” he says again against my lips. “I can’t forget that.”

  He leans into another kiss and moves inside of me like a man who’s known how to do this to me his entire life. Not to other women, but to me and me alone.

  He breaks the kiss again and pulls his face back slightly while he looks my face over, “You let me inside of you, Noely baby. That’s mine to keep. You can’t take it away, because those memories haunt me. You can’t ever take that away.”

  Tears fill my eyes once again, but this time they spill over. He kisses each one with his full, injured lips.

  “I didn’t want her here. She sent a text saying she was coming while I was lying in your bed with you, which is right where I wanted to be. She was already on a flight before I could tell her not to come. She’s nothing to me.”

  “You were with her,” I say with more tears.

  “I was chasing away your demons. Twice, I tried to chase you away, but I pretended it was you the entire time. I had to ask her to be quiet because I couldn’t do it when it didn’t sound like you. It’s fucked up, Noely. You got me all fucked up.”

  He kisses my tears away again.

  “I only want you. I know what you taste like now. I imagined it for years. I imagined what you’d look like against my body, what you’d look like under me, what your lips felt like. What it would sound like when you told me you loved me,” he says with tears in his own eyes.

  I moan out more as he works me closer to the point of no return.

  “You let me inside of you. I begged you to tell me to stop that first night. I wanted to wash away what he did to you. I wanted to show you what it was supposed to be like… with me.”

  Tears spill onto his cheeks, and without thinking about it, I lean down and kiss his away too.

  “It was selfish, Noles. I couldn’t stop. I tried. You didn’t tell me to stop. I would’ve for you. I would’ve stopped. Then you called yourself one of them and I wanted to tear this entire fucking city apart and rid myself of every woman who had ever touched me. I was always touching you, Noe. You thought about me too through the years.”

  I think about the men I’d been with. I remember when I lost my virginity, I thought to myself that Johnny wouldn’t have been this rough and horrible. I have no idea why the memory emerges now. I’d seen him with so many women over the years. I’d heard their versions of the stories and wondered why I couldn’t have a man like him in my bed. Yeah, I thought about him over the years. I may have never connected the dots, afraid I’d lose the only family I had, but I thought about Johnny more than I’d ever admitted to myself. I was jealous of all those women. I know that now as it dawns on me at this very moment.

  “I hated all of them,” I admit with a shaky voice.

  “Good,” he replies.

  “I had to hear all their fucking stories like you were a trophy fuck. I fucking hated it,” I start to get a little angry.

  “I thought about you every fucking time. Even when it fucking hurt to think about you, I was thinking about you. I’m telling you the fucking truth.”

  He speeds up as the emotions build between us.

  “You wanted me to be yours, Noles?” he asks with a hint of anger.

  “They didn’t want you! They wanted bragging rights,” I get angry right back.

  “Say it. Tell me you want me to yourself,” he stares into me.

  “You chose them.”

  “You deserve a better man. You don’t think I had to keep my fists to myself every single fucking time I saw you with another guy. I chose you. I always choose you. Fifteen years, I’ve chosen you. You didn’t see me, Noe.”

  “That’s what you think?!” I yell.

  His pace speeds up even more until the door is bouncing against the frame.

  “You’re all I saw! You were always there. How could I not fucking see you? I was already your charity case. I wasn’t going to be a pity fuck too. I wasn’t going to be one of them!”

  “You were never a goddamn charity case. You were right where you were supposed to be, with me. I’d never pity fuck you. I feel a lot of shit for you, pity and charity aren’t on that list,” he replies as sweat starts to bead on his forehead.

  “I’m…” I lose all ability to speak as he thrusts inside and hits a spot I’ve never felt before.

  “I make you come, Noely. I give you that. I give you that because you fucking deserve it. You deserve what I have to give you. You’ve always had it whether you want it or not,” he says just as I fall over the edge.

  My pussy clenches around him, causing him to hiss out, “Fuck yes. I make that pussy come.”

  I ride my wave of ecstasy as he continues to push inside of me.

  “Fucking mine, Noely,” he says as he pulses inside of me.

  He buries his face in my neck as the aftereffects hit us both. He drags his lips slowly up and down my neck. Finally, he pulls back slightly and looks at me.

  “I meant everything I said,” he frowns.

  “I did too,” I confess.

  “You’ve always had me. Take me. Take me as I am and make me yours,” His eyes search my face.

  I’m about to tell him he was mine the minute he saved me from the bitch who put glue in my hair, but a loud knock erupts on the other side of the door.

  “We gotta fucking problem,” Jimmy says with a menacing voice.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Johnny doesn’t break eye contact as he sighs, “I’m really busy, Jim.”

  I giggle since he’s still inside of me.

  “I… uh, don’t want to interrupt you and Noles, but this is pretty fucking important,” Jimmy replies.

  “I’m with the most important thing in the world right now, man,” Johnny says and strokes my cheek.

  “Johnny, I need to get Noely baby home. The guys need you to deal with something RIGHT NOW,” Jimmy’s voice is full of agitation.

  “Fuck,” Johnny whispers to me.

  “Go take care of whatever it is. I’ll get Jimmy to walk me home,” I tell him as I stare into blue eyes that have quickly become my undoing.

  He pulls out of me and helps me get myself together before he pulls his clothes back in place. I turn to open the door, but he grabs my wrist gently. My hand is lifted to his mouth as he places a kiss on it.

  “I’m coming straight to you as soon as I can get out of this damn place,” he says.

  I turn around to face him, “I’d like that.”

  He smiles at my response, “I don’t want to let you go right now. Come with me. I’ll take care of whatever this is, and then we’ll leave to
gether. I’ll walk us back to your place.”

  “Ah, I don’t want to get involved in whatever is pissing Jimmy off. I’ll hang back with him and wait on you. Okay?” I compromise.

  He swallows, “That sounds fucking great. You’ll be here? I can walk you home and for once sleep next to you after?”

  Suddenly, I feel like a shy teenage girl, “Yeah.”

  He nods and exhales in relief, “Yeah.”

  I kiss him quickly on his busted lip and open the door.

  Jimmy looks frantic, “Noely baby, I’m going to get you home.”

  “Let’s go have a beer in the alley while we wait for Johnny,” I tell him.

  Jimmy looks past me to Johnny, “I… I think I should take you home.” He gets nervous, “There’s no telling how long it will take.”

  “What the fuck is up?” Johnny asks him.

  “Head towards the stage. The bar’s been cleared out. I need to get Noely home,” he says with absolute desperation.

  I look back at Johnny, who looks confused and maybe a little worried.

  “It’s no big deal. Jimmy will get me home. I’ll see you there later,” I placate him.

  Johnny grabs my hand and pulls me a step towards him, “You sure?”

  I smile in my post-coital bliss, “Yeah.”

  He kisses my lips softly and then I follow Jimmy out the side entrance and into the alleyway.

  “Where have you been?” Sabrina asks excitedly and then she smiles. “Oh.”

  I must have that just fucked look.

  “I knew where she’d been as soon as I saw that goofy smile on her face,” Roxy says.

  Jimmy rushes us together, “Let’s get you girls home.”

  He’s not the usual happy-go-lucky Jimmy I know. He’s all business and something is eating at him.

  We head for the street as we squeeze through the remaining fans in the alley. I guess they’re hoping to see the guys. Jimmy gets stopped several times with questions about the band’s whereabouts. I can’t hear his responses, but we slowly move through the crowd.

  Once we’re free of the crowd, we take a right and head towards our apartments.

  “Because I fucking love you,” I hear a semi-familiar southern voice scream into the Brooklyn night.

  I turn to find Anna Belle, only to see her and Johnny already locked in an embrace with their lips on each other. My heart crumbles. It doesn’t break, it crumbles. When an object breaks, with care you can glue the pieces back together. If it’s a clean break, you’ll never know the difference. It will look the same when you repair it.

  Crumbling… though, that’s something entirely different. There aren’t pieces left to put back together. All that’s left is dust and clumps of something that once was.

  Johnny pushes her away with force, “I didn’t want you here. I didn’t ask you to come. We aren’t together, Anna!”

  “You said you loved me!” She screams back at him.

  The clumps of my heart break down into dust, particles that can blow away. Those particles can be swept or wiped away, because they are insignificant.

  “Noely, please don’t watch this,” Jimmy begs quietly.

  Sabrina’s hand grabs mine.

  “You tried to save me, didn’t you Jimmy?” I ask him without tearing my eyes away from Johnny and Anna.

  He doesn’t answer me, but I know the answer. He didn’t want me to see this. He knew there was more to Johnny and this woman than Johnny let on. What a fool I am.

  “I never told you I loved you!” Johnny shouts back at her.

  “You did… When we were making love!” She tells anyone in Brooklyn who will listen.

  But I’m the one who heard it the loudest. It reached somewhere deep inside and ingrained itself in every fiber of my being.

  He loves her?

  You let me inside of you.

  I can’t forget that.

  You let me inside of you, Noely baby. That’s mine to keep. You can’t take it away, because those memories haunt me. You can’t ever take that away.

  I was chasing away your demons. Twice, I tried to chase you away.

  You let me inside of you. I begged you to tell me to stop that first night. I wanted to wash away what he did to you. I wanted to show you what it was supposed to be like… with me.

  It was selfish, Noles. I couldn’t stop. I tried. You didn’t tell me to stop. I would’ve for you. I would’ve stopped. Then you called yourself one of them and I wanted to tear this entire fucking city apart and rid myself of every woman who had ever touched me. I was always touching you, Noely baby.

  You’ve always had me. Take me. Take me as I am and make me yours.

  But he wasn’t mine. He was never mine. There will always be someone else. Someone who loves him. Someone who wants him. Someone who can be the rocker girlfriend or wife, I could probably never be. There will always be women who had him long before me, and women who would sell their souls to the devil to have him now. As his notoriety grows, they’ll be more and more of them. I’m only one woman, but even fifteen years of friendship will never change that. I don’t fit into Johnny’s life like I want to, like I used to. I’ll never be enough when he’ll be surrounded by women who will stop at nothing to get their claws in him if only for a moment of pleasure. I can’t compete. I don’t want to.

  I don’t want to compete. I don’t want to constantly feel like I might not be good enough. I can’t live like that. I can’t live with other women always being there. He’s a bad boy. He’s always been a bad boy. That’s who he is. He gives zero fucks and its part of what I love about him so much, but he’ll never be my bad boy. He’ll always be a Brooklyn legend the women talk about in their bridge games when they're old and gray. They’ll talk about who got the opportunity to be with him. Soon, he’ll be a legend far beyond Brooklyn. Men like him can’t be tamed, not even by his best friend.

  The sounds of Anna Belle and Johnny arguing filter out as the numbness takes over. I step back slowly away from them, afraid that if I take my eyes off him, then I’ll have to face all of these feelings alone. I’m walking away from the man who stands in front of another woman, a woman he’s been intimate with. He crossed the boundary, he always said he wouldn’t. You never tell a woman you love them if you fucking don’t. He crossed that boundary and it wasn’t with me, and I now realize I always wanted it to be me who would be enough for him. Yet, he stands in front of another woman while my heart rests in the palm of his hand, but I can’t go to him and get it back. I’d rather him keep it so maybe it won’t hurt so fucking much. If I lack a heart, it can’t break. It won’t hurt.

  “Noely,” Jimmy calls out to me.

  I shake my head and turn around. I don’t take my eyes off Johnny until I have to, looking over my shoulder at him as I walk away. Eventually, I come to the cross street and take a right to purposely get out of sight. My eyes leave him as I walk past the first building, but my heart stays right there in his hand.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I walked around Brooklyn that night until the sun came up. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to face any of them. I’d fallen in love with my best friend, but I couldn’t have him. I didn’t want anyone to see how fucking bad it hurt. I can’t be angry with anyone but myself. I know Johnny better than anyone else, and yet I still let myself fall down the rabbit hole. All those girls whose heart’s he broke, the very ones I held, I know what it feels like now. God, no wonder they were so fucking hysterical and heart-sore.

  I snuck into my apartment through the courtyard at nine that morning. Johnny had taped a note to my door.

  Noe,

  It’s not what you think. Please call me back. I love you.

  Johnny

  I didn’t call him back. I took care of a few business matters and followed up with some clients concerning designs they had requested. It was then that I found an email from a potential new client. It was a gift. This new client was referred to m
e by someone I’d worked with at Kohler & Kohler, which was odd, but I didn’t have the energy to question it. The gift, they needed someone immediately, and in California. Twenty-eight hundred miles away from Brooklyn, away from all the memories that pervade my world on a daily basis.

  I called the client, Alex Bradbury, on a Sunday morning and pretended to want more information about the project he had in mind. He was some kind of millionaire entrepreneur who was opening an upscale 1920’s themed restaurant and bar. I only half-way listened to him. He seemed passionate, he had a sexy voice, and most importantly, this job was huge and likely to last close to three months or a little longer. I would be in California for at least three months, and right now I needed an escape. He fired his graphic artist and interior designer, so he wanted me now. I needed out of Brooklyn now. And he was paying me handsomely for the last minute contract.

  I call Roxy and Sabrina and ask them over to help me pack. I book a flight and shower as I wait on them. When they show, they don’t ask me not to leave. They don’t ask me why I was leaving. They know. I have to leave for a little while. I have to leave behind all the moments in my life, the moments with Johnny, that brought me to this very moment. I need to throw myself into work and I need to do that in a different location. I’m not sure if California will be far enough to run away from the epiphany I had tonight.

  I’m in love with Johnny, but he’d never really be mine. He’s a shooting star. He’s meant to shine, and when things shine everyone wants to touch and possess them.

  The girl’s ride in a taxi with me to the airport in silence. They hug me tightly on the curb at JFK, and promise to check in on my apartment.

  Sabrina hugs me last and as she holds me she says, “Sometimes it’s okay to run away. It gives you perspective. When you find what you’re looking for, call him. Fifteen years doesn’t just evaporate, Noe. You’re eventually going to have to call him. Please take care of you.”

  “I will,” I say with tear-filled eyes.