Under the Cornerstone

by Sasha Marshall

  “Against your dick?” Rich asks with amusement.

  “Yeah, and against his daughter for being a slut. I can’t help she shoved me against a wall and unzipped my pants. Was I supposed to tell her to stop when she pulled my dick out and shoved it in her mouth?” Jimmy asks.

  “You have a point,” I join their conversation as they near.

  When Noely reaches me, I notice how the gold pieces of her blonde hair sparkle in the sun. She smiles, pulls her dress up, and sits down behind me on the wooden pallet I occupy. She wraps her legs around me from behind and then her arms slide around my chest and pull me to her.

  “Heard you pissed off Mrs. Brantwell,” she whispers.

  “She’s a bitch. I corrected her, so she sent me to Mr. Taylor. He sent me up here,” I answer.

  As the boys continue to fuck with Jimmy, she whispers into my ear, “No panic attack?”

  “No. Just pissed off.”

  She lays her head against my back, “Then play me something.”

  Just like that, my world was right again. My day was no longer shit. She’s always had that effect on me. Her presence is so soothing and it helps me find peace. So, I play her one of her favorite Counting Crows songs, and listen to her hum along with me. She can’t see me, but I smile the entire time, while she holds onto me tightly listening to me play one of her favorites.

  When the lunch bell rings, she tries to leave. She isn’t one to skip class or ever get in trouble. I have no idea how she’s managed that over the years since she’s our friend. But when the bell rings, I realize I can’t wait over two hours for her to be done with classes. I want her here. I want her against me. My heart began racing the moment she touched me.

  “Don’t go,” I tell her and grip her ankles so she can’t unlatch herself from me.

  “What’s wrong Johnny?”

  I offer her a shrug, but think, fuck if I know. I don’t want you to go. Don’t leave me today. Stay with me for the rest of the day so I can keep feeling this way.

  “Okay,” she relents to my surprise, not forcing me to voice my thoughts.

  “We’re skipping,” I announce.

  “Fuck yeah!” Ryan says and we all file off the roof with Noely’s arm tucked into mine and my guitar firmly gripped in my other hand.

  We sneak from campus and once we’re out of sight and in the sun, I smile down at her. I hand my guitar off to Rich and reach out for her hand. As we walk through Brooklyn I continue to randomly spin her around as if we are dancing. I just want to see that smile that lights up my world. I want to see the way her blue eyes light up when she’s happy. I like the way her dress twirls at the bottom when I spin her, and I like finding her eyes back on me when I complete the turn.

  For the rest of the day, she stays by my side. I touch her more than I should have, more than I ever have in the past. I know touching her would become my addiction if I didn’t stop. I kiss her forehead and breathe in the way she smells before I tell her goodnight at her room.

  “Night, Johnny,” she whispers.

  She kisses my cheek, smiles at me with that fucking dimple in her cheek, and walks away.

  I stand outside her room, telling myself to man up and go inside after her. I should at least kiss her so I know what it feels like. I should touch her so I can know… know what?

  Fuck.

  I run my hands through my hair and pull on the ends in frustration.

  Go to bed, man. Do not fuck with her. You’ll lose her forever.

  That was when it happened. That’s the day I fell in love with her. Maybe it had been there all along, but that was the day I knew for sure, and I have spent all these years since telling myself not to touch her. I’d been right all along not to touch her. I knew then I’d lose her.

  I step out of the stairwell just as a delivery boy comes up her hallway.

  Please be for Noely.

  I sigh and look up to thank whoever is up there when I see him walk past her neighbor’s door. She opens the door and looks between both of us as if she’s wondering if I orchestrated this with the poor guy. She shoves a twenty-dollar bill at the boy, and grabs her food.

  "Noely, we need to talk," I say.

  She rolls her eyes at me and slams the door in both of our faces.

  "Noe, I'm serious."

  Goddammit! I kick the door in anger.

  Please open the door. Please talk to me.

  "If you break it you buy it!" she yells from her apartment.

  "Open the door, Noles," I say harsher than I should.

  She doesn’t answer and I don’t hear her moving around in there.

  "Fuck!" I shout and slam my palm into the door.

  I pace the hall for a few minutes before I throw my hands in the air and decide to spill it all through the door.

  “Noe?” I call out to her and wait, but I never get a response. “Fuck.”

  I turn and slide down her door until I’m sitting on the ground against it.

  “I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for so fucking long. You’re the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing when I go to sleep at night. The thing is, my entire day is full of you. I don’t just think of you twice a day. I see things that remind me of you all day. No matter where I go, I see something that makes me think of you. Sometimes when you’re in the same room with me, I can’t breathe. My chest hurts. I like when you don’t know I’m in the room, so I can look at you without you knowing. I can look at you the way I really look at you without you seeing straight through me.

  The other night… Fuck, Noe. I’ve tried not to do that for over a decade. I’m so fucking afraid I’ll lose you, that I fought this shit I’m feeling for so long I don’t know what it feels like not to fight against the shit. I have to keep myself from touching you in the ways that come so fucking natural to me. I have to remind myself to let you go after a certain amount time when you hug me. Have you ever noticed you’re the one that always hugs me? I couldn’t reach out to you on my own, because if I ever saw one tiny sliver of spark in your eyes I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself.

  Something else I’ve never told you is that I have panic attacks over you. It’s not your fault. Since I was a kid and your mom died… when you weren’t at school that day I knew something was wrong. My mom left me and I found you, but the thought of losing you was my undoing. It always will be. Don’t you get it? I can’t fucking lose you because the thought of it sends me into hysteria. I’ve spent fifteen years being afraid of losing you, and I’ve tormented myself for almost the same amount of time with this shit I feel inside.

  I didn’t mean for it to happen the other night. I really didn’t. God, please don’t think I took advantage of you. It just happened. I spent all those years locking that shit up tight, and then I had one little slip. I fucked up. I know that, but I can’t lose you. You’re my constant, my fucking light. You’re the only way I can breathe. I’ll lock my shit back up if that’s what you want. I’ll do it for you.

  I didn’t skip out on you that night. I woke up and you were sleeping. I was so scared that I’d lost you. Not in a million years did I ever think I’d wake up next to you like that. I felt a panic attack coming on, so I slid into your stairwell so I didn’t wake you. I called Rich and he came over to calm me down. He wanted me to leave for an hour or so and calm down before you woke up. I went back to his place and ended up drinking too much. I woke up the next morning with Jimmy throwing me across a room into a wall. He picked up my phone because his phone was dead. He saw the pictures I took for proof that night. Dumbass thought I did it, but once he realized I didn’t he made call after call until he found out it was Tony. Then he searched half of Brooklyn until he found him. I tried to stop him. I begged him not to do anything to Tony because I knew you didn’t want anyone knowing. I didn’t tell anyone, Noe. I kept my promise to you. I didn’t tell them anything.

  I went after Jimmy when Rich called and
said they’d found Tony. I was hoping he’d get in one good lick and let it go. Jimmy showed Tony the pictures I took of you and that motherfucker smiled at them. I lost my shit, baby. I lost it. I told you a long time ago, nobody puts their hands on you and he smiled about what he’d done. If the situation were reversed, and some bitch clawed me up, how would you feel? What would you do? I didn’t mean to hit him, it just happened, and well, I guess you know the rest.”

  I pause and press my ear to her door.

  Nothing.

  I pray she’s sitting on the other side of it and that she hears every word. Maybe she just needs time to process it.

  After an hour of waiting to hear something, anything, I get nothing. I move to the wall across from her door and lay my head against it so I can see her when she opens the door. My phone rings a few minutes later.

  “Yeah?” I answer without looking at the screen.

  “Where are you?” Rich asks.

  “Waiting for Noe to open the door,” I say and I know he can hear the sadness in my voice.

  “Shit, man.”

  “What’s up?” I ask, hoping he’ll get my mind off of her for a few minutes.

  “Ryan picked up the Village Voice today. They named Noely in Leo’s harebrained scheme to turn us into white knights.”

  “Can they do that?!!” I yell.

  “I don’t know. I thought victims had rights, but man… I’m pretty sure Leo leaked that shit. Noe probably doesn’t know about the article though. You may want to give her a head’s up before she finds out from someone else.”

  “Fuck!!!” I scream.

  “Let me tell her,” Rich suggests.

  “She’ll only hate you too,” I reply.

  “She doesn’t hate you.”

  “It sure feels like she does.”

  I hang up moments later and drift off to sleep for a few hours.

  The sound of her door opening wakes me. I rub my eyes and look up at her face caked in makeup to hide the bruises. She’s dressed for work. I jump to my feet as it dawns on me that she’s leaving.

  "I've been waiting for you all night,” I tell her.

  She turns away without a word and my heart fucking breaks.

  "Noe, wait up."

  She presses the call button to the elevator and stares straight ahead.

  Please look at me.

  "Look, I know you're pissed at me, but I told you everything last night. I swear to God it’s the truth.”

  She responds with venom in her voice, “I wasn’t concerned with what you had to say. Didn’t hear it. I went to bed.”

  “Shit,” I say and run my hands through my hair. “I fucked up. I wanted to be the one to tell you that your name was leaked in the story about our arrests. I'm so fucking sorry.”

  The look that crosses her face makes me want to fucking cry like a baby.

  “Who leaked my name?” she asks with so much… rage.

  I shrug, because I’m going to deal with Leo myself.

  “I’m going to poison Leo the next time I see him. You may want to give him a head’s up,” she spits out.

  The elevator doors open, and I call out to her, begging her not to walk away. She turns around so quickly I never see her hand coming until she’s slapped it across my face. I pull my own hand to cover the sting and look on at her with shock.

  She just slapped me. Fuck.

  She rushes out of the elevator and once I recover from my shock I go after her.

  Fuck. I’m desperate.

  I don’t get far before she quickly turns on me again and shoves her finger in my face, "Do not fucking follow me. Do not show up at my house or my job. Do not call me or text me. Do not send news from a friend. I'm done, Johnny. You did this. It's all on you. I'm going to work, so please leave me the fuck alone!"

  I’m so fucking sorry.

  "Noely baby..." I begin and reach for her.

  She pushes her hands into my chest, causing me to lose my balance. I take a few steps back until I regain it.

  "Are you fucking deaf?!! Leave me alone!"

  Tears spring to my eyes.

  We’ve never been here. She’s never punched, slapped, or yelled at me. She’s never told me to leave her alone.

  I’ve lost her.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  In the wee hours of the morning, I stand on the twin’s fire escape and take a drag off my cigarette. I went home after Noe left me and slept for a few hours. I didn’t sleep well. I dreamt of her, and then they would morph into nightmares of her walking away from me. Once I realized sleep was my enemy, I showered, ate, and headed to Rich and Ryan’s.

  I’ve been drinking tequila for hours hoping it will numb the pain. It seems like half of Brooklyn has been through this apartment at some point tonight. Women approach me, wanting to fuck. I don’t have it in me. They’re not her. They were all suitable replacements for Noe before I knew what the real thing felt like. How in the fuck do you go back from that?

  I turn each one of the eager women down. I can’t bury Noely inside of them tonight, so I take another shot. The twins check on me here and there, but I wave them off so they can enjoy the impromptu party. There’s no sense in us all drowning in my misery.

  Rich steps onto the escape with a worried expression on his face.

  “We gotta go to Saul’s,” he says.

  “It’s late. Saul’s is closed,” I tell him and lift the tequila bottle.

  “Jimmy and Noe got caught tagging at Saul’s. You’ve got to get Saul’s mean ass out of bed and down there to lie and say he paid them to do the job. He likes you best,” he says.

  “He likes Noely best,” I argue.

  “Everybody likes Noely best, but Noely can’t ask Saul for help because she’s got cops on her.”

  “Cops?” I frown.

  “You haven’t been listening.”

  “No.”

  “Noely and Jim are going to jail unless you get Saul’s ass down there to say he hired them for the job,” he repeats and it finally sinks into my brain.

  “Got it,” I say and start searching through my contacts for Saul’s number.

  His grumpy ass answers the phone and a slew of profanity leaves his mouth.

  “Noely needs your help,” I start with that so he’ll calm his ass down.

  “What’s wrong with our girl?” he mumbles.

  “She and Jimmy were painting something on the side of the bar. Cops busted them. If you show up and tell them you paid them to paint it, you’ll keep her ass out of jail.”

  He’s quiet and I know the old man is thinking, “Well, she’s too damn pretty to go to jail.”

  “Yeah,” I agree noncommittally.

  “I’ll be there in a few,” he says and ends the call.

  Rich, Ryan, and I have already started walking towards the bar once they got everyone out of their apartment.

  I see her before she sees me. She’s covered in paint and wearing a scowl, but still fucking gorgeous. Rich stops at the cops and speaks to them to stall until Saul arrives. Ryan and I step towards the mural and turn on our cell phone lights to illuminate the work. I look from one end to the other where I find Noely’s face. I know immediately that she drew it. I’d know her work anywhere. I almost reach out and touch this version of her. I blame it on the tequila. It made me forget I can’t touch any version of Noe.

  "It's wet," Jimmy warns me from touching the paint.

  I look over my shoulder at her and fight the urge to walk up to her against me.

  I settle for, "It's beautiful, Noe."

  Pure rage flashes across her face before she soaks her hand in tequila and then steps past me to run her hand over the wet paint. She smears her face down the brick wall.

  Then she turns and tells me with a sneer on her face, “That’s what you did.”

  "Noely," Jimmy says.

  "You promised,” she says.

  "I’m keeping that promise,”
he replies.

  Mean Saul passes the officers, walks up to the mural, and nods his head in appreciation as he inspects the mural like an art collector. He stares at Noe for a minute and then lies to the cops.

  "I hired them to do the mural.”

  I knew he’d lie for her. He knew her mom and stepdad. He knows she’s been dealt a shit hand in life, and whether she knows it or not, Noe might be the only sweet spot the recovering alcoholic has left.

  "It's a beautiful piece, isn't it?" He continues.

  "It was until your artist took her hands to it after we arrived," a cop says.

  "That's exactly how it's supposed to be right now, son. It doesn't take a genius to interpret the meaning behind each component of the piece. You just have to respect it for what it is, son." The old man turns to Jimmy and Noe, "Thank you for your hard work. Come by tomorrow around two and I'll pay you. "

  The cops release Jimmy and Noe, and we walk away quietly.

  "Who the fuck was that guy?" Jimmy asks.

  "The cops?" Rich asks.

  "No the guy who looked like Saul," Noely’s beautiful laugh fills the night.

  "Everybody has a story, bro," Ryan smiles.

  We walk Noely home. I walk beside her as the others carry on about Saul and Jimmy once again escaping arrest. There are few times when my hand touches hers and the spark it causes goes straight to my dick.

  God, I want her again.

  When we reach her building, she hugs everyone goodbye and they ask her to fix the mural and come see us off on Saturday. As I turn around, Ryan grabs her, spins her around, and pulls her into a hug. He holds her there with his chin resting on the top of Noe’s head. She eventually turns and walks up the steps to her building without touching me. God, I think I’d give anything to have her wrap her arms around me right now. The problem is that I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. I can’t let her go to sleep tonight not knowing I’m still here thinking about her, loving her.

  "Good Night Noely baby."

  She doesn’t turn around, but I do get to hear her voice one more time, "Night, Johnny."

  I spend the next day writing songs that piss me off, balling up paper, and throwing it around my apartment. I try to watch television, but can’t find anything interesting on. I chain smoke on my balcony. I shift through tit pics on Snap Chat, but even that doesn’t capture my attention. I finally take my paint and brushes to Saul’s and fix Noely. I paint her face back like it should’ve been in the first place. The paint I use on her eyes is the color of the Caribbean Sea. I add highlights and lowlights to her multi-colored blonde hair. Her hair has these white strands that are mixed in with gold, honey, caramel, and strawberry. She didn’t draw her pouty, baby doll lips right the first time, so I fix that too. I add more curve to her hips, because she’s not lanky as she appears in her original drawing. I look at the heart she drew ripped out of her chest, and move down to the drawing of me. I draw my heart in my hand and make it look like mine is ripped out too, but I tattoo her name across the organ I hold.