Alexa O'Brien 05 - Death Wish

by Trina M. Lee

  Willow tossed back his shot like a champ. “Start at the beginning.”

  It was easy to open up to him. As the shots kept going down, the words kept coming. Before I knew it, I was telling him everything. Raoul’s secret past as my mother’s lover, my bond to Arys, issues with Shaz and Juliet, Lilah’s hit on me and the woman I’d killed that very night. It all came spilling out.

  I sat there in a small, seedy bar, confessing my every sin to an angel, but talking to someone who wasn’t a part of my inner circle was liberating. Willow was a keen listener, commenting and questioning in all the right places. His eyes held no judgment, not once.

  After a good hour of pouring out my deepest feelings and darkest secrets, I was both drunk and carefree. Sure, it may be temporary, but I’d take it. The tequila hangover I’d have later was going to be brutal, so I might as well make the bender worth it.

  “So, what do you think?” I asked finally. “Am I broken or what?”

  Willow leaned forward on the table, his hands clasped. “No more than the rest of us. I think you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can handle what happened tonight, and you can handle what’s yet to come.”

  I ran a finger over the dragon etched into my wrist. “I wish I could be so sure.”

  “It’s not supposed to be easy to do what’s right. That’s what makes it worthwhile. You could have given in long ago. Instead you fight the darkness of your vampire.” He spoke with such certainty. “You were never meant to be together. Twin flames rarely live the same lifetime. They aren’t meant to. Too often, they destroy one another. The intensity of their bond is too great, and it consumes them.”

  “How is that supposed to be making me feel better?” I laughed drunkenly, unable to let the weight of his words sink in just then.

  “Because the two of you have a purpose. Withstand the hardships of your bond, and you’ll be defined by the good you do. Not the bad.”

  Maybe he was right. The mistakes I’d made, they didn’t define me; I wouldn’t let them. There was a reason for everything. I had to believe that.

  “I wish I could do something about that.” Willow’s gaze fell to my wrist. “There was a time when I could have abolished it.”

  “What’s your story, Willow?” Curiosity got the best of me even though I had planned not to ask. “How can you be fallen and be so amazing?”

  “My story is hardly worth telling.” He shrugged and reached for another shot of tequila. “I’d much rather talk about you.”

  “I’m sick of talking about me. Sick of being me. Sometimes.” Tequila burned its way into my stomach, and I made a face. The lime did little to take the edge off.

  Willow frowned. “You don’t mean that. Everything you’ve faced has led you to this moment. Right where you’re supposed to be. Trust it.”

  Before I could respond, we were rudely interrupted by a grey-haired, overweight drunk. He stumbled into our table, slurring an apology. His bloodshot gaze landed on me, taking in my battered appearance.

  His lips peeled back into a slimy grin, revealing several missing teeth. He gave Willow a smack on the back and chuckled. “Looks like the little lady stepped out of line. You do what you gotta do, ain’t that right, pal?”

  Willow was on his feet throwing a punch before I could blink. The drunk took a fist in the jaw and went down, out cold. I gaped in surprise at the angel as he shook his fist and cursed.

  The bartender shouted for us to take it outside. Slapping a few bills down in front of him, Willow grabbed a bottle from behind the bar.

  “Let’s get out of here. A walk by the river with a bottle of cheap wine sounds about perfect right now.” For an angel Willow was a pretty wild guy.

  It had been ages since I walked in the river valley. The river divided the south side of the city from the rest. We descended the stairway leading us down, away from downtown to the quiet beauty of the river.

  Willow popped the cork on the cheap sparkling wine, taking a long swallow before passing it. Producing a pack of cigarettes, he lit one up and took a long drag. I held up a hand in refusal when he offered it to me. I couldn’t help but laugh. Willow was a heck of a guy.

  “Alright, now spill it,” I said when we were seated on top of a picnic table, staring out at the dark river. “Tell me how an angel falls.”

  He was silent for so long that I thought it was his refusal. Lighting another cigarette, he let out a plume of smoke and fixed his gaze on the water. “There are so many ways. Many reasons why. My sin? I fell in love with a whore.”

  Like Falon, Willow didn’t give off an energy vibe I could easily feel when his power wasn’t in active use. But, seeing the pain in his eyes, he didn’t have to. I swallowed the bubbly wine; it tasted faintly of strawberry. I could say nothing that would be an appropriate response, so I respectfully waited for him to continue.

  “Christina was special. She had a heart of gold, as they say. In the end, she’d been more concerned about my fall from grace than her own well-being. She wasn’t just a woman who slept with men for money. She was a lost soul able to still find hope in every sunrise who believed people were better than they were ever given credit for.” He paused, and I pushed the bottle into his hand. His lips twitched in a half smile of thanks. “I knew what I was risking by letting myself get involved with her. But, it was love. That love cost Christina her life.”

  “I’m sorry, Willow. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.” Now it was my turn to regard him with sympathy. An angel forbidden to love a human. How tragic. But, I knew well that there is no choice in love. We are all its slaves.

  “I just wanted to save her. Instead, I condemned us both.” Willow tossed his cigarette butt and reached to light another. “That was a year ago. And now, I’m just another fallen angel with grey wings and blood on his hands.”

  I accepted the last of the wine, wondering how the heck we’d polished it off so fast. My head was spinning. I’d had more than enough, but I drained the bottle anyway.

  “Silver,” I said, having to put more effort into the one word than I should have. I was so going to regret this come hangover time.

  “Excuse me?” Willow raised a brow.

  “Your wings. They’re silver. And beautiful.”

  “And you’re slurring like a first class wino,” he chuckled, “but thank you.”

  An easy silence settled over us. We stared out at the bright city lights on the opposite shore as they sparkled against the night sky. More than a few times, they bled together as my vision swam. I needed to sleep it off, but I couldn’t tear myself away.

  Dawn was two hours away yet. It was nice, sitting there inside the illusion of a quiet, beautiful night. But, illusion it was; the visual of Shaz and Bianca drifted up from the depths of my memories where I’d shoved it. I felt ill. Booze and betrayal don’t mix well.

  “Can you forgive him?”

  “I don’t know.” A chilly breeze rolled in off the water. I shivered, certain it wasn’t merely from the cold. “I’m not sure I can I ever look at him again and not see what I saw tonight.”

  Willow nodded in understanding. He gave me a studious look again, head tilted as if he were choosing his words carefully.

  “I know how painful it is. The woman I loved slept with men for money. A lot of them. Even now, I don’t understand how she could do it. But, I know one thing: she loved only me. Not them.” His hand was warm against mine as he patted it gently. “Does he love her?”

  I bit my lip and closed my eyes. My chest tightened painfully. “I don’t know. He might.”

  “You already know the answer. Deep down, you know. So, does he love her?”

  I opened my eyes to find him staring at me expectantly. He was right. I did know.

  “No. He doesn’t love her.” Saying it didn’t make me feel any better. Knowing it changed nothing.

  “Then you have a choice to make.” Willow offered me an encouraging smile. “But first, go home and get a good sleep. You look
like you need it.”

  Before we parted ways a few blocks from The Wicked Kiss, Willow extended an open invitation to contact him any time I needed a friend or just a gut-punching drink.

  “A friendly warning, Alexa,” he gestured to the dragon on my arm. “Demons and angels have clearly cut lines and rules they have to follow. But, some fall in between. Fallen angels, vampires, shifters and so on, they are shades of grey, able to bend rules and command parts of both worlds. It’s why Shya does what he does. He needs those shades of grey. Watch out for him. And, don’t hesitate to get in touch if you need to.”

  “I’m not sure how I could ever return the favor.” I was touched by both his warning and his offer. “But, if I can ever do anything…”

  “I’ll let you know.”

  I was in no shape to drive. I also wasn’t up to telling Arys about my night. Not yet. I needed some time alone. Since I had no home to call my own, I was left with little choice. I’d stay in Harley’s old room at The Wicked Kiss.

  Shaz’s car was gone from the parking lot when I returned. Letting myself in the back entry, I double checked the door lock behind me and headed for Harley’s room. I grit my teeth as I passed the room where I’d caught the two of them. To my relief, I felt no sense of Bianca or anyone else inside.

  When I stood awkwardly in the middle of Harley’s room, I sent a text message to Arys to tell him I wouldn’t be home at dawn as planned. He’d be pissed that I didn’t call, but I didn’t want to have that conversation.

  The strangeness of sleeping in the same room where Shaz and I had killed Arys’s sire was quickly replaced by stomach turning nausea. Oh, damn you, tequila.

  I soon fell into a dizzying sleep. Thanks to the ass-kicking booze, I fell past the point of dreams into the black abyss of liquor-induced slumber.

  Chapter Eighteen

  It was evening by the time I rolled down the short stretch of highway to Stony Plain. Several hours of drunken sleep had left me feeling like a zombie. My head throbbed, and I felt both hungry and nauseous at the same time. A deadly combination. The entire drive home was spent swearing up and down I’d never touch tequila again.

  I made a brief trip through a drive-thru for coffee and a yogurt cup. I really should get something in my system. If I didn’t pull myself together, I would be no help to Kale.

  “Aw, crap.” The sight of Shaz’s little blue Chevy Cobalt parked in front of Arys’s house brought the curses streaming from my lips. Couldn’t he just leave this alone? I didn’t want to look at him right then let alone talk about it.

  I half-heartedly considered driving right by and going to Kylarai’s for a shower and meal instead. It had been home once. She’d welcome me with open arms, and I could use a friend right now.

  Feeling like death and in great need of a hot shower, I made the decision to suck it up and go inside. I would face the music, but that didn’t mean I had to dance. With a firm hold on my tongue and the nasty things I wanted to spit in wounded fury, I sidled up the walk and opened the door.

  It was quiet. The inside of the house was draped in darkness. Leaving the afternoon sun behind, I stepped into the veiled cover of Arys’s house. Right away, I could feel it. Energy hung heavy on the atmosphere, remnants of power that stank of bloodlust, desire and pleasure. What the fuck?

  Letting the door slam, I swept through the kitchen to the living room. Shaz was asleep on the couch with a light blanket draped over him. He stirred at my approach. The scent of a fresh wound drew my attention to the vampire bite on the inside of his wrist. Along with the spiced up residual energy in the house, it wasn’t hard to put it all together. This had to be a bad dream.

  Arys was a dark shadow in the hall as he emerged from the bedroom clad in a robe. “What the hell happened to you?”

  Shaz blinked a few times, his jade gaze taking in my bruised face. “Lex?”

  I didn’t have the energy to be as furious with them as I was. Something had clearly gone on here, something that involved bloodletting between my two lovers, without me.

  I shoved by Arys with my focus on the shower. “I’m not speaking to either of you right now.”

  I slammed the bathroom door and peeled my clothes off. Bruises decorated my body, but like my face, they had healed substantially while I’d slept. Another day and it would be as if it had never happened. The worst of it was the killer shiner, nothing sunglasses couldn’t take care of in front of humans.

  From beyond the door, I heard Arys say, “Well that went better than I expected.”

  It was impossible to enjoy the hot shower. Knowing they were out there waiting for me put the pressure on. I should have gone to Kylarai’s.

  I took my sweet time shampooing my hair and soaping my sore body. I didn’t turn the water off until the hot tap ran cold. Ranting and raving to myself beneath my breath, I wrapped a towel around my hair and slipped into Arys’s room where I dressed in yoga pants and a black tank top.

  I should have been a number of things as I returned to the living room: angry, jealous, betrayed… Instead, I was just weary.

  They both began to speak the moment I stepped into the room. I held up a hand to silence them while deciding whom I could stand to look at.

  “Please, both of you just shut up and let me talk.” My voice was surprisingly calm. “The last twenty-four hours have really sucked ass. The FPA has Kale, and I got my ass beat by a gang of vampires. A fallen angel got them off me, the only reason I’m standing here right now.”

  I let my gaze sweep over each of them in turn. They each sat on opposite ends of the couch. Shaz’s hair stood up on one side from the way he’d slept. His t-shirt was rumpled. Fatigue and guilt shone in his eyes. He clearly hadn’t slept well.

  Our eyes met, and the sick sensation of betrayal began to gnaw at me again. I saw my pain reflected in his eyes. It was hard to look at him.

  “Coming back to the two of you and the metaphysical stink in this place is not an improvement on top of everything else,” I continued, my gaze landing on Arys. “You want to tell me what the hell went on here? Or, do I even want to know?”

  Arys was completely unruffled. He leaned back, arms folded across his chest. He regarded me with the wariness of one regarding a venomous snake, cautious and bracing for the unpredictable.

  “Shaz came here when he couldn’t find you. He needed a fix. I’m not one to say no.” Arys shrugged, daring me to get mad.

  “Maybe you should start,” I snapped.

  “It was just a feed, Alexa. Nothing more.”

  “Isn’t that what Bianca is for?” I glared daggers at Shaz. “To meet all your nasty little needs?”

  Shaz fidgeted and squirmed, like he couldn’t get comfortable. “Not anymore. It’s over with her, Lex. I mean it. The look on your face when you opened that door, I’ll never forgive myself.”

  “Oh,” I drawled sarcastically. “I guess that makes it ok then.”

  “Alexa, watch your mouth,” Arys scolded. “You might say something you’ll regret.”

  My temper flared. “You’ve been incredibly helpful, haven’t you? Conveniently so.”

  A storm of emotion crashed over me. It was more than just anger or hurt. It was everything together in an overwhelming tornado of pain and fury. All I really wanted to do was cry. I hadn’t really had the chance yet. However, Arys was sitting there with a cocky know it all expression and a challenge in his eyes. He was the perfect target for my rage.

  “Do you think it makes me happy to see you in so much pain? To be able to feel it and know there’s nothing I can do to take it away?” Arys asked, maintaining his calm, cool demeanor. “I told you I wanted to kill her. You refused. The pup has fucked up, but you could have stopped it.”

  “Are you out of your mind?” My temperature rose steadily until I was flushed with heat. “I’m not taking responsibility for what he’s done.”

  “Then take responsibility for refusing to be what he needs.” Flippant and self-assured, he oozed arrogance. He thou
ght he was right. Unfortunately, he usually was. “The two of you could be feeding your hungers together. Your refusal is selfish ignorance.”

  I couldn’t recall ever wanting to slap him as bad as I did then. I had a tirade ready to unleash on him. The need to vent everything was strong. Then I realized it was exactly what he wanted. Arys knew if I used up my fury on him, I wouldn’t lay into Shaz.

  Suddenly, I didn’t want to rant and rave anymore. Having a willing outlet ruined my mood. I sat heavily in the leather recliner chair perpendicular to the couch. With my head in my hands, I cried.

  Crystal clear tears streamed down my face. I tried unsuccessfully to wipe them away. They came in a torrent as everything I’d been burying inside over the past month exploded forth.

  Shaz broke first, unable to sit and watch me cry. He sank to his knees before me on the floor and dared to lay a hand on my shoulder. “Lex, I’m so sorry.”

  I froze at his touch. All I could think about was how his hands had been all over her. “Don’t touch me.”

  He jerked back as if I’d burned him. In some way, I had. Numbness crept in to make me feel detached. I heard myself hollowly say, “I think you should leave.”

  “No,” he shook his head desperately. “I need to make this right somehow. I need you to know how sorry I am.”

  Shaz reached for me again, stopping himself when I stiffened. I was falling apart inside, and I didn’t want him to watch it happen. “I want to believe you. I do. I just can’t look at you right now.”

  I couldn’t. Seeing the agony in his jade orbs caused the last of my strength to crumble. I longed for the forest, ached to be wolf. Leaving my human body wouldn’t erase the pain, but the union I shared with nature only as wolf was healing. Raoul’s house was gone. It was time to move closer to the forest.

  Shaz waited another minute before walking out. I hated myself for throwing him out, but it was best for both of us. I had to fall apart and put the pieces back together before I’d be ready to face him.

  I listened to his car pull away with a squeal of tires. He was upset and rightfully so. I turned to Arys to find him watching me with a mixed expression of intrigue and dismay.