I stared at her. ‘I broke your trust, Mum. You never want to talk about it, so I—’
‘No, you didn’t want to talk about it. You were so angry and so betrayed. And so I decided to let it go.’
Shock echoed through me. ‘But—’
‘And as to why I’m here,’ Mum went on, ignoring me. ‘Well, it’s home. I have friends here, good friends.’ She smiled unexpectedly. ‘I belong here, love. And I don’t think you ever understood that, did you?’
‘No,’ I said automatically. ‘You should want more. It wasn’t your fault that you had me and had to settle for—’
‘I never settled for anything, love.’ Her expression became searching. ‘I accepted the situation. It was you who couldn’t accept it.’
Everything in me tightened. ‘Why should you have to accept it? You didn’t ask to be pregnant with me. I ruined your life.’
She snorted. ‘Don’t be so arrogant, Ash Evans. No one ruined my life. I made my own choices. No, they weren’t the best, but I stand by them.’ She gave me a penetrating look. ‘You were the best thing that ever happened to me, though.’
My chest felt sore and it ached at the look in her eyes. ‘I went to see Dad when I was thirteen,’ I said hoarsely. ‘We had no money and I thought—’
‘I know. I found out about that.’ An expression of sadness flickered through her grey eyes. ‘I’m sorry, love. But your father had his own issues and they had nothing to do with you.’ She crossed the distance suddenly and put a hand to my cheek, looking up into my eyes. ‘You know that, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Of course I do.’
‘Oh, Ash,’ my mother murmured, seeing straight through the lie. ‘It wasn’t you. He didn’t want anything to do with either of us and he never told me why. But I let go of him a long time ago. And so should you. He was a selfish man who didn’t deserve to have you as a son.’
I felt nothing but instant negation. ‘How am I any better?’ I demanded, my voice rough and raw. ‘I’m just like him, Mum. I’m just as selfish. I hurt people. I hurt you.’ Ellie’s white, tear-stained face loomed large in my memory. ‘And I hurt someone else I shouldn’t.’
My mother’s hand against my cheek was warm, her gaze searching. ‘Who?’
‘A woman. A woman who didn’t deserve it.’
She searched my face. ‘The girl you were with in Dubai?’
‘How did you know about her?’
‘I read the news like everyone else.’ She gave me a censorious look. ‘You should have told me you had a girlfriend.’
‘She’s not my girlfriend.’
‘There’s only one reason you’re here in a rage. And that’s because you’re hurt. You always get angry when someone hurts you.’ My mother’s gaze narrowed. ‘What did she do to you?’
That was Mum. She’d always been protective of me.
I gritted my teeth, a strange hot feeling running through me. ‘She told me she loved me. And I...walked away.’
Mum’s eyes widened. ‘That’s it? That’s why you’re so angry? Because she told you she loved you?’
‘Because she didn’t mean it.’ I lifted my hand and shoved it through my hair, restlessness and anger winding through me. ‘I did a few nice things for her, that’s all.’
My mother was silent a long time. Then she said, ‘Then why are you so mad?’
You know why. Stop being so fucking stupid.
Something was clawing at my chest, an intense, painful pressure. It felt like an animal wanting to get out of a cage.
‘I—’ I couldn’t finish, my breathing too fast, the words getting stuck in my throat.
An unbearably gentle look entered Mum’s eyes. She was a tough old bird—as she liked to call herself—and she didn’t do affection readily. But it was there in her face now. All the love she tried, in her own way, to show me. ‘Ash Evans, are you in love?’
I opened my mouth to say no, of course I wasn’t. But the lie wouldn’t come. Just goddamn wouldn’t.
The pain in my chest wouldn’t go away either or the sight of Ellie’s tears. Or the sound of my own voice, furious and loud, echoing off the walls of the workshop, telling her I didn’t want what she’d so bravely offered me.
You hurt her, you bastard. After you swore you wouldn’t.
A violent heat poured through me, closely followed by something icy, and I stood there unable to move. Unable to speak.
But I had to. I had to say it aloud because I wasn’t a fucking coward, even though everything in me wanted to hurl it away.
‘Yes.’ The word came out of me cracked and broken. ‘Yes, I think... I think I am.’
‘Of course you are.’ Mum snorted. ‘Only love messes with a person this badly.’
And the truth flooded through me then. The enormity of what I’d held in my hands and what I’d done with it.
‘She’s...too good for me,’ I said, the knowledge sudden and blinding. ‘She’s everything I’m not. She’s bright and beautiful, and I’m just a violent, selfish man who doesn’t want to change.’
Mum snorted again. ‘Oh, what bullshit. Those are excuses. You’re just scared. You’re scared of being hurt. And fair enough. You know what that’s like and so do I.’ Suddenly something burned in her eyes, something fierce. ‘But you have one thing I never got from your father. You know that she loves you.’
I froze, something deep inside me shifting, like an undersea earthquake. A crushing weight. A vast pain. A current that wouldn’t be denied.
Mum had never had that, but she’d loved Dad, I knew she had. Even though he’d kicked her to the kerb as soon as I was conceived. A love that, God knew, he didn’t deserve.
What made me any better?
She already told you.
That day in Dubai, in the club, in that bed. Her telling me what she saw in me. Things I’d never seen in myself.
She’d been so brave, my pretty thing. Telling me what she felt, opening her heart up to me like a fighter opening themselves up to take that last punch. And she had taken it, straight to the heart. Only it had been me she’d KO’d.
But I hadn’t taken it like a warrior.
I’d turned and run like a coward.
‘What do I do?’ My voice was a harsh scrape of sound as I tried to draw some air into my lungs. ‘I hurt her.’
Mum gave me a disbelieving look. ‘What do you think? Go and apologise, then kiss her and make it better.’
The weight was crushing. I wasn’t going to survive it.
But Mum was right. There was only one way to make this any easier.
I had to apologise. Kiss her, heal the hurt I’d given her.
And hope like hell she didn’t simply punch me in the face the way I so richly deserved.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Ellie
I TOOK A flight to France that night. There was one seat left and, since my bags were packed already, it didn’t seem like the most insane thing to do.
I couldn’t bear the thought of going back to my flat and I couldn’t stay in London one second longer. For once in my life, I wanted my dad and his no-fuss, no-nonsense presence.
For once I wanted it to be no big deal.
It was late by the time I got to the little town near Nice where Dad and his team were located. Ash had even hired a house near his small factory for the duration of their stay.
I took an Uber from Nice airport and got dropped off at the house they were staying in, my heart racing as I raised my hand to knock on the door.
I hadn’t told Dad I was coming. In fact, I hadn’t spoken to him at all. I’d just left Ash to handle it.
I could see Dad’s shock in the way his white eyebrows rose into his hairline when he answered the door to find me standing on the doorstep. ‘Ellie? What the hell are you doing here?’
My chest ached and my throat w
as tight, but Dad wasn’t one for emotional displays so I swallowed it down and forced a smile. ‘Thought I’d come and check out what was happening with the Pythons. Hope that’s okay.’
It was okay, as it turned out, though, since it was late and he could see I was obviously tired, Dad told me that we’d talk in the morning, showing me to one of the unoccupied bedrooms.
I didn’t sleep well. I couldn’t stop thinking about Ash and his fury. About how he’d walked out. About how wrong I’d been to show him the contents of my heart.
I’d made a mistake in my comparisons of him to a car. Yes, he was large and powerful, but he wasn’t simply an engine. A machine I could drive wherever I wanted. He was a man with his own will, and that will didn’t include loving me.
Because no matter what I’d told him the day before about not wanting anything, the pain in my heart told me otherwise.
If I’d wanted nothing from him, I would have stayed in London. I would have been content to be near him—even if that meant just being in the same city.
But I didn’t want nothing.
I wanted everything.
The next day, after coffee and croissants, Dad took me to the makeshift Python workshop where we had a miniature family reunion with two of my brothers.
They were excited—not that you could really tell if you didn’t know them, but I could tell. There was a certain sparkle in their eyes as they showed me around and introduced me to some of the team helping them. Even Dad had the sparkle.
‘You did good, Ellie,’ Dad said at last, quietly, as we stood beside the first of the cars that were beginning to take shape, the chassis gleaming under the bright fluorescent lights. Men in overalls swarmed over the car like ants, while one of my brothers barked orders from his place near the computer.
The praise hit me hard, making more tears prick at me. ‘Aw, Dad,’ I said, going for jokey. ‘You’re going to make me cry with that mushy nonsense.’
But he didn’t respond as he normally did, with a smile and a nod. Instead, he said, ‘You saved the company. Don’t think I don’t know that.’
I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t. I shoved my hands into my pockets instead.
‘I know I haven’t been the best father.’ His voice was gravelly and gruff. ‘I should have stuck up for you with that...other business. But when your mother died... Well. I didn’t know how to deal with a girl.’ He cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable. ‘That doesn’t excuse me, I understand that. But... I just wanted you to know that I’m grateful for what you did for the company.’
I swallowed, my throat thick, unable to speak. The bright lights of the workshop ran like paint in my vision. ‘Thanks, Dad,’ I forced out, my voice hoarse.
‘So, what’s happening with your project?’ he asked, as if he were asking me what I was doing for lunch. ‘Evans told me you were going to start building a prototype.’
But I couldn’t face that right now. I couldn’t even imagine going into the workshop that he’d bought for me. ‘Not right now,’ I said.
‘Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Evans—’
‘Nothing,’ I interrupted, the pain in my chest spreading like wildfire. ‘Nothing’s going on.’
‘Ah,’ Dad muttered, as if that answered a question. ‘Well, it’s only that he—’
‘Hey,’ Justin, my brother, said. ‘There’s some French guy on the doorstep wondering if you’re here, Ellie.’
I turned, blinking the tears away hard. ‘What French guy?’
Justin shrugged. ‘He’s at the door. You’d better go see.’
The guy turned out to be a man in a freshly pressed chauffeur’s uniform and behind him, waiting in the street, was a long black limo.
My heart gave one hard, painful beat.
Justin, who’d followed me, whistled. ‘Looks like someone important.’
The chauffeur gave me a professional smile. ‘A gentleman wishes to know if you’ll come for a ride with him, mademoiselle.’
My heartbeat picked up speed, my breathing coming shorter, faster. ‘What gentleman?’ I demanded, anger rising inside me, along with a ridiculous hope.
‘He did not want me to give you his name. He only said that if you want to know who he is, you’ll have to get in the car.’
But I already knew who it was and I’d stormed past the chauffeur before he’d finished speaking, heading straight towards the limo.
I was breathing fast by the time I reached it, anger becoming rage and hope and a thousand other things all rolled up into a big emotional storm that I had no hope of resisting.
So I didn’t.
I flung the door open.
A man sat in the interior. Tall and broad. Black hair and scars. Blue eyes the colour of my heart. The colour of the love and rage and hope and despair and everything in the entire world pulsing through my veins.
‘Don’t you know you shouldn’t get into a car with strange men, Miss Little?’ Ash said, his gaze intense on mine.
There was white lightning in my bloodstream, lighting me up, making me incandescent.
‘Why the hell would you think I’d get into a car with you?’ I said, my voice cracking, my body trembling. ‘After you walked away from me?’
‘I know.’ His voice was as cracked as mine. ‘And you have every reason not to get in. But I’m asking you to anyway.’
I didn’t want to. I wanted to.
And somehow my heart must have made a decision, because then I was inside the car and the door was shut. And I could feel the heat of him and his familiar electric energy. And there was relief in his eyes. As if he hadn’t thought I’d get in. But he didn’t reach for me. He stayed where he was.
‘I’m not sorry,’ I said fiercely before he could get a word in, every piece of me shaking. ‘For saying all those things to you back in London. I shouldn’t have said it was okay, that I was sorry I’d said it, because it’s not okay. And I’m not sorry. I meant every single word.’
He didn’t even blink. ‘I know you did. And that’s why I’m here. I’m here to apologise, Miss Little.’ He paused then shut his mouth as if he’d been going to go on and had thought better of it. ‘No,’ he said at last. ‘I’m not here to apologise. I’m here to grovel. I’m here to tell you that I was wrong to walk out. That I handled what you told me badly and I have no excuses for the way I spoke to you. None at all. But...you took me by surprise, Ellie. You...uncovered a vulnerability I wasn’t expecting. And I did what I normally do when an opponent finds their way under my guard. I attacked.’ He took a ragged breath, the fabric of his T-shirt stretching tight across his broad chest.
I didn’t know why I was still sitting there when every instinct I had was telling me to punch his stupid, handsome face. To show him how badly he’d hurt me. To demand why he was here telling me all of this when every second of his presence burned my skin as if it were being held over an open flame.
But I didn’t move. I wanted to hear what he had to say.
‘I hurt you,’ he went on, his gaze not moving from mine. ‘I was angry and I hurt you. Because the weakness you uncovered was one I’d been trying not to think about. One I’ve been trying to ignore since that night in Paris.’ He took another laboured breath like a runner forcing himself through the last, tough miles of a marathon. ‘You asked me once whether I ever got tired of proving myself and I told you that I never had to prove myself. But of course I was lying. I’ve been trying to prove myself my entire fucking life. Because the truth of it is that I’ve never felt good enough. Not for my father. Not for my mother. Not for Seb.’ His gaze burned. ‘And not for you. Never for you, pretty thing. In fact, I’ve been desperately trying to prove I’m not in love with you since that night in Paris. And failing. And then you told me that you loved me... Christ, Ellie! I know it’s not because of the workshop or the sex, you’re too honest and direct for t
hat to be the truth. But I told you it was because—’ He stopped, his breathing faster, harder. ‘I’m fucking terrified. You scare the living shit out of me. Because no matter how hard I try to prove to myself I’m not in love with you, I am.’ He was so still, his body almost vibrating, as if he were trying to hold himself back. ‘And I don’t know what to do.’
I saw the bewilderment in his eyes and the shock. And my heart clenched hard in my chest.
Because he was here and he’d given me the truth. And he was afraid. A man like him, a warrior, a grizzly bear, didn’t show their underbelly to just anyone.
This was a gesture of trust, I understood that.
I was shaking. ‘You could just love me.’
His indrawn breath was sharp, the look in his eyes intensifying, narrowing. ‘You still want me? After the way I hurt you?’
‘Love doesn’t go away just like that, Ash. You’ll have to try harder if you want to get rid of me completely.’ I opened my mouth to say more, but then he surged suddenly towards me, his arms around me, dragging me into his lap and holding me hard against his chest. ‘I’m sorry, pretty thing,’ he said thickly, burying his face in my neck. ‘I should never have walked away from you. I was angry and I should know by now that anger isn’t the best way to handle things, but it’s just been my default for so long. And I’m going to try to be better. I want to change, to be different—’
‘No,’ I said fiercely, threading my hands through his thick black hair and tugging on it so his head lifted and his gaze met mine. ‘I don’t want you to change and you don’t have to be different. I love you as you are, Ash Evans. Sure, you might have difficulty with being nice and you’re a grumpy bear of a man, but your heart is in the right place. You want to do right by people, help them. All your charity work and investments in small companies... Hell, even your bloody revenge against your half-brother had a charitable purpose.’
He blinked at me. ‘Grumpy bear of a man?’
I growled. ‘Listen to me, idiot. I’m trying to tell you that you’re an amazing person. You don’t have to do anything but be yourself with me.’
The Debt Page 17
