Clean Break

by Erin McLellan

  I ducked out of his arms and unlocked the door. “See you Friday, sexy pants?”

  He almost, almost smiled, so he must not have been too beaten up about my rejection. I realized I’d never seen him fully smile, and I wanted that more than anything else in the world.

  Chapter Five

  CONNOR

  On Thursday nights, China Star had a buffet that drew the college crowd who were all gearing up to go barhopping. It was one of the only times I ever agreed to eat at a buffet, and only because I’d been eating at China Star my entire life.

  Thursday night was the big bar night for Farm College students, but I had Entomology 101 in the morning, so I couldn’t get too crazy. Or maybe I could. Maybe I needed to let go.

  The first weeks of the semester had been excruciating. My parents had grown increasingly insistent about discussing “the future.” My classes weren’t challenging, which was nice, but also boring. I’d hardly spent any time with Desi because she’d been too busy during the day to meet for lunch, and I had bailed on barhopping a couple times.

  Then there was the small issue of Travis. We’d kissed after every class, except the one where we’d received our cockroaches because he couldn’t handle kissing with “six-legged witnesses.” I’d now asked him to dinner once and to my apartment to play videogames once, which admittedly had sounded like a line.

  He still treated me with suspicion some days, probably because we couldn’t have a normal conversation in class without either eye-fucking or arguing. We didn’t talk much at all in our storage closet.

  The kissing was . . . intense. Scary, even. I hated how much I loved it.

  Travis turned me upside down so easily. I wanted him to turn me upside down outside of the storage closet too. I wanted to be friends.

  My to-do list this week had been:

  Wash bedding

  Complete lab assignments early

  Outline research paper for Meat Science class

  Have a normal conversation with Travis

  Hang out with Desi

  I’d successfully completed my whole list, except when it came to Travis. Nothing was worse than an unfinished to-do list.

  “What’s got you looking all sad-ginger?” Desi asked as she plopped down across from me at our table. I’d been saving our booth and guarding her purse while she and Alex loaded their plates with food.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Yeah, that didn’t really answer my question.”

  Should I tell her about Travis? I didn’t want to. She’d ask all kinds of questions. Plus, Desi and Travis ran in adjacent friend groups, and I was pretty sure Travis didn’t want word to get around. I loved Desi to death, but she wasn’t the best at secrets.

  “I’m going to get my food,” I said, and she waved me away.

  I made my selections carefully, avoiding anything that seemed as if it’d been out on the buffet too long. I also skipped the eggrolls because a kid dropped the serving tongs on the tile floor before setting them back in the eggroll dish; though, I did inform one of the waiters, who promptly whisked the eggrolls away. Which made me feel bad for the chefs who’d have to make more.

  Once I sat back down, Desi, Alex, and I discussed who was dating whom and other drama happening with our mutual friends in FarmOUT—Farm College’s main LGBTQIA+ group—most of which I was blissfully unaware.

  Eventually, the conversation turned to graduation. I wasn’t going to be able to escape that topic this semester, clearly.

  “I’ve applied for ten internships, and only one has any type of compensation. It’s bullshit,” she said.

  Both she and Alex were parks and recreation management majors. She wanted to be a park ranger or Leslie Knope. She kept changing her mind.

  “I need to start thinking about jobs and careers for next year, but that is scary stuff,” Alex said. He was only a junior.

  “You’ll be able to get hired on as an official Community Outreach Liaison for the Spectrum Center in a heartbeat once you have your degree,” Desi grumbled at him.

  “But who would want to live in Elkville forever?” he said. An awkward silence fell over us, and I trained my eyes on a scratch on the table. Alex sighed. “Shit man, I’m sorry. No offense.”

  “None taken,” I said stiffly.

  Elkville was nice in the grand scheme of small Oklahoma towns, but I couldn’t help but agree with Alex. Who would want to live here forever?

  Desi watched me for a second, then pushed her phone toward me.

  “Swipe left or right?” she asked. Alex leaned over so he could see too.

  I was grateful for the subject change, so I studied the dating profile of a pretty woman with a pixie haircut. “Right? I like her hair.”

  Desi hummed and snatched her phone back. “She’s only a freshman.”

  “Then left?”

  “But see how cute she is, Connor?” she said, her voice imploring.

  “I have no idea what you want me to say, Desiree.”

  “Don’t call me that.” Her hatred of her full name was legendary. Still staring at her phone, she ate an eggroll in two bites. I was jealous. She’d gotten to them before the tong/floor debacle.

  Around a bite of food, she said, “I’m swiping right. I’m going to do it if you two don’t talk me out of it.”

  “Do it,” Alex said.

  “Okay, what about him?” she said, showing us a profile of a classically handsome guy wearing a polo shirt.

  I read through his profile, which was pretty basic. The only odd bit was that his tagline, or whatever it was called, said, I drink a lot of water.

  “What do you think that means?” I asked. “‘I drink a lot of water.’ Is it an innuendo?”

  She shrugged. “He looks rich.”

  That surprised a laugh out of me, and she grinned.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Those are Gucci sunglasses hanging from the neck of his shirt. Do you know how much those cost?”

  I did not.

  “Is rich a bad thing?” Alex asked.

  Her nose wrinkled up. “Depends. I bet he wears pressed khaki shorts.”

  “Oh, you snob.” I reached over to swipe right on her phone, but she slapped my hand away and promptly thumbed Water Guy’s profile to the left.

  Desi enjoyed the dating apps more than me. I’d dipped my toes into Grindr some, and had been on several bad Tinder dates, but I always felt awkward.

  Communication wasn’t always easy for me in person, but it was like I had a mental block online. Each time someone chatted me up in an app, I worried that I came off cold. Plus, my emoji game was shit.

  After we’d all gotten seconds and soft-serve ice cream from the buffet, we wandered down the strip of college bars. The most popular bar was this place called Penny’s, which had a huge dance floor. It also had a cover, so I’d only been in there once. I hated crowds. I wasn’t going to pay to be in the middle of one. Next to Penny’s was Ropers, a redneck dive that had cheap drinks.

  “Want to stop here?” Alex asked.

  Desi shrugged and glanced at me.

  “It’ll be full of people I went to high school with.”

  Alex said, “Ah, okay. Hard pass then.” He hooked his arms in our elbows and pulled Desi and me down the street.

  O’Leary’s pub was next. It was an old place, and one of the only bars on the strip that served food. Next to it was a wine bar, which was a favorite of the graduate students and over-thirty crowd, but too expensive for most undergrads.

  On the end of the street, closest to campus, was the Lumberyard, Elkville’s gay bar.

  “So the Yard it is?” Desi said. My chest ached with a mix of anxiety and excitement.

  Last year, I’d only come to this place occasionally when Desi threw a fit at me for being antisocial. I’d never particularly enjoyed the Yard. It was noisy and boisterous and the floors were normally sticky, but I loved being in a room of queer people. I appreciated that I could blend in and relax at a table witho
ut having to talk.

  “Connor? Is that okay with you?” she asked. I jolted, not realizing she’d been waiting on my response. She must have been able to read my hesitancy.

  After we’d both turned twenty-one last year, Desi and I had started coming to the Yard on Wednesdays because it was calmer, and the smaller crowds gave me a little less social anxiety. Tonight, there would be a big crowd, but I’d known that when I’d agreed to come out. I’d spent the whole week playing videogames and obsessing over Travis. I needed to get out of my own head and out of my lonely apartment.

  “Lead the way, oh fearless ones,” I said. Alex and Desi smiled at each other and pulled me into the small queue waiting to get in.

  Once the bouncer had checked our IDs, I bee-lined for one of the precious booths. We’d gotten there early enough to snag one, and soon all of Desi’s friends would be there filling it up.

  “I’ll get us a round,” she said over the music.

  I passed her my debit card. “Start a tab for us.”

  She grinned and strutted away. There were already a bunch of people dancing, so I tipped my head back against the wall behind me and watched. Within minutes, a guy named Leighton slid into the booth next to me and slung an arm over my shoulders.

  Leighton was a hoot and a half, and I wished I could unclench a little and be his friend. We’d traded blowjobs on several occasions last semester, which had stopped when he’d gotten a boyfriend. He’d always been nice to me.

  “What’s up, Connor?” he said in my ear.

  I shrugged. “Not much. Where’s Jacob?”

  “That bitch cheated on me, so I keyed his car.”

  “Really?”

  Alex leaned in and pinched Leighton’s side. “He’s lying.”

  “About keying his car,” Leighton said. “He doesn’t have a car. Just a bicycle. Should have slashed that motherfucker’s tires.”

  “I’m sorry. That sucks, man.”

  “Yeah, it does. If he’d had a car, I’d have keyed it.”

  Desi dropped into the big booth with us, two women—Alyssia and Chel—who were also parks and recreation majors, close behind her. I drank gratefully from the beer Desi had gotten me and watched the action around me.

  The anxiety of being in the middle of a bunch of loud, increasingly drunk people was dulled by my own alcohol intake, but it never completely abated. Luckily, no one tried to bully me into dancing, which I hated, or pushed alcohol on me that I didn’t want, which I hated more.

  Within an hour, Desi and Chel were making out somewhere—that happened about once a semester—and several different people had joined our booth. By the time eleven rolled around, the place was nuts. Loud music, flashing lights that made it hard for me to see clearly, too many bodies.

  I’d about decided it was time to split when Travis waltzed in with two guys. I knew one of them was his housemate, Joel, because I’d done an embarrassing amount of cyber research last year after Travis and I had almost hooked up. Or barely hooked up. Whatever you’d call it. I’d had a finance class with the other man, and he’d been the smartest person in the class and a total teacher’s pet. His name was Paulie.

  All the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. Travis seemed to know everyone, greeting people left and right. He eventually slipped into the writhing mass of people on the dance floor. It was so dense with bodies and chaotic with strobe lights that I lost sight of him.

  Joel and Paulie were still at the bar chatting with a woman with short black hair. Did they know that I’d pinned Travis’s hands to the door of a storage closet yesterday and nibbled across every inch of his collarbones? Had he told them about me?

  Travis and I hadn’t moved beyond kissing and some light grinding. He’d gotten me pretty close to coming several times from that alone, but I didn’t want the first time we came together to be in an ag building storage closet. I wanted it to be in a bed with our clothes off and him pliant and needy and begging for it.

  A guy could dream, right?

  Desi collapsed beside me. She was flushed, and her long blonde hair had been pulled into a messy ponytail.

  “Where have you been?” I asked. “You look like you’ve been fucking.”

  Her loud laugh rang out, and she dropped her head onto my shoulder. “I’ll tell you about it later.”

  “Where’s Chel?” Alex asked her from across the table.

  “Freshening up in the bathroom.”

  I snorted, and she elbowed me in the side.

  Out of nowhere, Travis appeared in front of our table. There was a sheen of sweat on his cheekbones and his neck, reflecting the strobe lights off his dark skin. I wanted to lick him. I sat up so abruptly that I jostled Desi around in her seat. I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn’t dare look away from him.

  He didn’t glance at me.

  “Hey, Leighton,” he said with a huge smile. He turned to Alex, and that smile was suddenly full of sharp edges. “Alex.”

  Alex tensed and his eyes narrowed. “Travis.”

  What the fuck was that about?

  Travis nodded at the rest of the table, acknowledging us, sort of, before turning back to Leighton.

  “How was your break?” Travis asked Leighton.

  “Great. Caught Jacob cheating, though.”

  Travis grimaced, his eyes bright and angry on Leighton’s behalf.

  “He here?” Travis asked with a gesture toward the bar.

  Leighton nodded. I hadn’t noticed Jacob yet, but it was probably easier to spot your own ex-boyfriend. I’d never had one, so I had no idea.

  “Well, then let’s dance, beautiful. Make him jealous.”

  With a grin, Leighton climbed out of the booth. Travis flicked his gaze toward me right before he turned around. It was like a punch. He’d acted as if he didn’t even know me. We were class partners. We kissed almost every other day.

  I scooted closer to Alex, filling the space left by Leighton. “How do you know him?”

  Desi was watching me, but I didn’t care.

  “I dated his best friend’s boyfriend last year,” Alex said.

  “Paulie?”

  I was really laying my cards on the table, admitting I knew who Travis’s best friend’s boyfriend was. Geez.

  “Yeah. Joel and Paulie were broken up, and I was evidently his rebound before they got back together.”

  “That’s rough.”

  “Ah, it’s fine. We’re all cool now. I went to a few parties at Joel and Travis’s house last semester, and Paulie’s been a good friend to me, but Travis and I can’t quash the awkwardness. He’s loyal.”

  Travis and Leighton hadn’t quite blended into the crowd of dancers, and I was relieved that they weren’t grinding all up on each other. I’d forgotten what kind of dancer Leighton was—a silly one. He seemed to be trying to two-step while also punching the air, and Travis was laughing so hard he was bent over.

  In the grand scheme of things, the expression of pure joy on Travis’s face made me more jealous than if they’d been dry humping. Hopefully it was working similar wonders on Leighton’s ex.

  Screw this. I was leaving. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t even said hello.

  “Des, I’m going to walk back to my apartment. You okay to get home?”

  “I can drive you later if I need to, Desi,” Alex chimed in. “I’m sober.”

  “Ok-ay,” she said, drawing out the word with suspicion. “Alex can drive me, or I’ll get an Uber.”

  “Great. Text me tomorrow. I want some details.” I scooted out of the booth and gave her a half-hug. Chel arrived, two drinks in her hand, and a flirtatious smile on her face. Desi winked at her before turning back to me.

  “You want details? I want to know what the fuck all that weirdness was.” She gestured toward Alex. My jaw hurt from clenching it so hard. I’d been doing it from the moment Travis had appeared.

  “Nothing. I have a class with Travis. That’s all.”

  That was all. He’d made that quite clear.


  TRAVIS

  Restless energy pulsed through me as I sat in my usual seat in Entomology 101. I was buzzing on good news, for one. I’d received an acceptance letter from Oklahoma City University School of Law in the mail this morning, and I could hardly contain my excitement.

  Plus, I was sleep deprived. I’d been up half the night thinking about seeing Connor at the Lumberyard last night. He’d looked damn good in a tight Henley, ball cap, and worn jeans.

  I hated him.

  I couldn’t wait to see him today.

  I’d told Troilus all about it this morning while I was getting ready. Troilus was what I’d named my cockroach, and his only response had been to not move, which had made me worry that he was dead. He wasn’t. Wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed by that. Troilus and I had a complicated relationship.

  Our class partner participation questions were already up on the projector screen. I did the second question, leaving the first one for Connor, as usual. We still didn’t discuss the questions like we were supposed to. I wasn’t sure why, exactly. Maybe it was a defense mechanism. What if I had an actual conversation with Connor, and we discovered that we had more in common than a mutual enjoyment of clandestine kissing? That would suck. But, shit, did I love kissing him. He was full of pent-up, exacting energy, and I wanted him to go to town on my ass so badly. I’d settle for making out, though. I was not going to get in too deep with this country fuckboy. Not this semester. Not when I was so close to leaving.

  Past me: had a huge crush on him.

  Current me: was making out with him in a closet like a teenager.

  Future me: was going to have nothing to do with him, since I was going to have nothing to do with Elkville, Oklahoma in less than three months.

  I needed to tattoo that on my forehead.

  Connor hadn’t shown up by the time Dr. Greer started lecturing, and he hadn’t sent me an email about missing class.

  I was going to be sad if he was absent today, partly because I wanted to tell him my exciting news, which was dumb, and partly because I was dying to see how he acted after I’d pretended not to know him last night.