Fear the Wolf

by S. J. Sparrows

  Eventually, I began to feel more solid again. I rubbed at my arms, caressing my skin, and reminded myself that I was Senla Nora, the same person I always had been. And this was my body.

  Nothing about me had changed—only my perception of myself.

  I began pacing again, but it was more controlled than before. As I marched, I sifted through my thoughts.

  I could scarcely believe that my baby brother—if he had been a boy—was buried where I used to sneak out to be alone in my village. That was the only place where I could be myself while growing up.

  Had my brother’s spirit drawn me to that spot between the hills? Perhaps, instinctively, I was pulled toward him; maybe I’d sensed that he was the only person who had ever accepted me for who I was—while we’d grown together inside of Mother’s womb. I felt a sudden connection to him, as though a part of me that had always been missing had now been returned. He was my brother. My flesh. My blood. And no one had taught him to fear me, or disapprove of me, because he’d never been given a chance to live.

  Anger sliced through me. How dare Father blame me for my brother’s death? I refused to believe that I had killed my own brother in the womb—that I had stolen from his body. How could I have done that? How could I have made such a cruel, wicked decision while still growing inside of Mother?

  Mother …

  I screamed and smacked the nearest boulder with an open hand. Pain jangled through my palm, shooting to my fingertips and down through my wrist.

  I knew what Father wanted me to think. He wanted me to blame everything on Mother and to be angry at her for hiding the truth, because, in his mind, that somehow absolved him.

  But I didn’t see it that way.

  Painful memories returned to me with sudden clarity. When I was a child, Mother had banned me from playing unsupervised with other children, and she had never told me why. As I grew up, Mother warned me not to undress in front of anyone. Of course, I had known that only couples were allowed to see each other naked. But Mother had stressed this rule more times than I could count.

  She had protected me. Even when I was old enough to be coupled, Mother had pushed back on the elders’ proposals. My first night alone with a partner would have revealed my secret. The villagers would have feared my otherness. Perhaps they would have even cast me out for presuming too much—for having the gall to be born unlike everyone else.

  But Mother had watched over me. She also must have been ashamed of me, or simply afraid, else she wouldn’t have hidden the truth from everyone including me. But that didn’t matter right now.

  I sank to the forest floor, weeping. “She loved me,” I mumbled to myself. “She loved me.” Through my tears, I smiled, and warmth spread throughout my body. “Mother loved me.”

  For a long time, I sobbed on the ground, feeling the strangest mix of happiness and sadness.

  “Senla,” came a voice. I looked up to see Neverdark running toward me. “What’s happened?” She bent down on one knee, placing a hand on my back.

  I went to speak, but my throat closed in on itself.

  Gently, Neverdark helped me to my feet. She wrapped her arms around me and said exactly what I needed to hear. “I’ve got you, you’re safe with me.”

  I sagged against her and wept until my tears abated and my body stopped shaking. Our last conversation came to mind. Through hiccups, I said, “You’re not angry at me?”

  “What? Why would I be angry at you?”

  “Because we … I made us argue.”

  Neverdark rubbed my back. “That? That wasn’t an argument, Senla. You’re not really upset about that, are you?”

  My body began to tremble again, and my voice broke as I said, “No.”

  “Then come on, tell me what’s got you. I can handle it. Ain’t nothing too dark for Neverdark.”

  A laugh surprised me—my own laugh. I smiled through tears, my face pressed against Neverdark’s body. “You’ve said that one before, haven’t you?”

  “Now you’re just changing the subject.”

  My smile slowly fell. I took some deep, controlled breaths and then told Neverdark everything. I couldn’t bear to look her in the eye, so I just sank my face harder against her and spoke about my mother, my father, and my stillborn brother. I rambled, becoming breathless, but Neverdark listened patiently, stroking the back of my arms.

  When I mustered enough courage, I told her about myself.

  She stiffened. I feared more than anything that she would push me away in disgust. But then her tension passed, and she held me even tighter than before.

  I finished my long explanation with, “I’m a woman inside. I know I am. I feel like a woman still, but I’ve always felt different, too. I am different …”

  Neverdark held me a few seconds longer, then eased back to stare deep into my eyes. “You’re not different. You’re only different in as much as everyone is different from each other. And you know what? That makes everyone the same, if you think about it.”

  “But I am different. I’m different … down there.” I glanced toward my lower half.

  Neverdark laughed affectionately. “Trust me, everyone’s different down there. Who says you gotta like what anyone’s got between their legs?”

  I gave a weak sniff of amusement, but I felt misunderstood. “It’s not the same. You know it’s not. I might be the only person in this land who was born like this.”

  Squeezing my arms with a little shake, Neverdark said, “Then that makes you special … unique! Not different.”

  I wobbled my head and looked away. I felt my face crumble again. “What if other people find out, and they don’t accept me? What if they’re afraid of me?”

  “Then you show them there’s nothing to fear. And anyway, what does it matter what other people think? Most of your people are too busy fearing the Wolf to have other, more intelligent thoughts.”

  “That’s what I mean. If they find out I’m different, they’ll cast me out. No one will ever love me or want to be with me. How could they?”

  “Look,” said Neverdark firmly. She grabbed my face, forcing me to meet her gaze. “You’re just Senla to me. That’s all that matters.”

  Her eyes kept darting toward my lips. I couldn’t help but look at her mouth, too. She ran her tongue along her lower lip, leaving it glistening wet. Then she kissed me. Our mouths moved in rhythm. Our tongues battled. Our faces were locked in this wet, frantic embrace, only pulling away to steal some air.

  Neverdark fumbled at my tunic, lifting it over my head and off of me. My skin chilled at her touch. The crisp morning air swept over my naked body as I tugged at Neverdark’s clothes. She helped me to remove hers. She struggled and nearly tripped because we were both unwilling to stop kissing each other while we undressed.

  Soon we were both naked in the forest. Our hands ran over each other’s bodies. I reached for the areas I’d forever been curious about, delighting in the feel of her hot flesh. Her clammy hands caught on my skin as she raced to discover every part of me. Everything she did felt so right. So good. Just perfect.

  Then Neverdark pulled me to the forest floor and showed me true perfection.

  Later, we lay together panting in the soft grass. I had never known that such pleasure existed. More than anything, I wanted to do it all again. Right now. But I also wanted Neverdark to keep holding me like this forever. Gripping my arm, she rubbed her thumb up and down over one area of skin as if to remind me that she was here, that she had me in her arms, and that I was safe and meant something to her.

  I grinned to myself. A voice rising from my trembling, fluttering stomach urged me to say I love you, but I didn’t dare utter the words. How could I, when I was struggling to even love myself after what I had discovered?

  I stayed in her arms until the summer breeze chilled my body. We agreed to get dressed. After being so entwined, so connected, there seemed something awkward about us separately fumbling to pull our clothes on. A vague sense of shame niggled at my spine. We’d
just had sex outside of a coupling.

  But when I caught Neverdark gazing at me with bright, gleaming eyes, I stopped caring what anybody else would think.

  “Join my clan, Senla,” she said. “I want to be with you.”

  I smiled sadly at her, more tempted than ever before.

  “My clan won’t judge you,” she added. “I’ve told my parents that I’ve been meeting you here. They want to meet you.”

  “Give me a week,” I said. “One week to make a decision.”

  Neverdark raised her eyebrows in doubt. After about ten seconds, she gave a reluctant nod.

  48

  My father and I had swapped roles. Before, he had gone to great lengths to avoid me. Now, in my anger, I couldn’t stand the thought of being anywhere near him. Two days had passed since I last saw Neverdark, and so far, I had managed to evade my father six times.

  To my annoyance, it was all too easy for him to find me. He didn’t knock at Eden’s door, because that would have aroused suspicion. But guardians only had so many patrol routes to walk. And when we weren’t marching around the village border, we were in the training yard.

  After Father made a few more attempts to corner me, I decided to give in.

  “I haven’t told anyone,” I said before he could speak. “And I won’t. I expect the same from you. Now leave me alone.”

  His right cheek had swollen into a mound of purple, yellow, and green where I had elbowed him. He sighed without even trying to hide his relief.

  “Senla,” he began, but I spun and walked away.

  I didn’t want to think about him right now; I couldn’t, not without rage seething under my skin. Over the last two days, I had worried that Father might tell the elders about me and convince them to cast me out—to protect his own secret. But the elders would wonder how he knew; then his own past would be revealed.

  I pushed all thoughts of Father out of my mind. But as the week dragged by, I became more worried in general. I felt less able to pretend to know my place, less able to follow the rigid rules and to hide my skills just to make everyone else feel better. I wanted to be with Neverdark, but that was impossible in this village. I wanted to express myself, to draw wondrous pictures for the sheer joy of it, and to be irreverent of the Wolf without caring what other people thought.

  For so long, I was convinced there was something inherently wrong with me—when actually there was just a truth about myself I hadn’t known. I’m two-natured. And now that I knew, there was nothing to fix. I just wanted to accept myself as I was.

  I just wanted to be me.

  As I plodded toward the training yard one morning, a sad but unavoidable realization settled over me. I could never return to this way of life. I didn’t belong here anymore. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, these villagers would never accept my true nature while the Wolf still lived.

  “Illus,” I said with a sigh, shaking my head in shame. She had died on our quest; she had sacrificed herself to save Aldan and to give me the chance to finish what we’d started.

  And this is how I honored her? By letting the weeks breeze by while making no attempt to avenge her?

  I gritted my teeth and squeezed the hilt of Illus’s sword, which hung at my side. My plodding turned into a march before I forced myself to stop. I peered up at the sky, blinked hard, and puffed out a breath.

  It was time to leave.

  I turned and headed back toward Eden’s house to gather my belongings. My biggest regret was that I had lied to Neverdark. But if I’d told her about my plan to slay the Wolf, she might have tried to stop me—or worse, insisted on helping.

  And I would not endanger Neverdark.

  Lifting my chin, I ignored the villagers who stared at my fast-paced stride with concern. Under my breath, I said, “I must do this alone.”

  In the very moment of this decision, I heard the howls.

  The Wolf’s Lair

  49

  I turned again and pelted back toward the training yard. When I reached it, Kuna and the guardians were vigilant. Their eyes were hard, their brows pointed inward, and they listened with tilted heads to the increasing number of howls rising from all directions.

  No! How could this be happening again? In no time, wolflings would overrun this village, and bodies would fill the alleys. Terrible images of what had befallen my village flittered across my mind. I couldn’t let it happen again. Not here. These people needed to fight better and smarter than mine had.

  “Kuna,” I said. “She’s coming.”

  Kuna visibly tensed. Despite her tough exterior, I worried for a second that she would flee. Fear could do that to a person—bring out the coward hiding inside of them. Instead, Kuna shook off her tension and gave a brisk nod. “The Wolf?”

  “The Wolf,” I confirmed.

  Without hesitation, Kuna spun and pointed and yelled. Then she did it all over again until the guardians knew their orders and had disappeared in different directions.

  “And Senla,” she said, about to tell me what to do.

  “No,” I stopped her. “I’m going straight for her. Last time, she got away. This time, she won’t.”

  “Senla, you can’t—”

  “The wolflings do her bidding. If I kill the Wolf, they might leave us alone. It’s the quickest way to end this.”

  Kuna shook her head, pushing out her cheek with her tongue. “Fine,” she conceded. “I don’t know what we all did to deserve this. But if you fail to kill the … I can’t even say it. But if you fail, Senla, she’ll slaughter every one of us for your presumption.”

  “She would kill us all anyway. I’ve seen it.”

  “Just don’t fail.”

  “I won’t.”

  As I dashed out of the training yard, wolflings flooded the village. The howling faded, replaced by snarls and grunts. Then screams took to the air and drowned out all other sounds.

  50

  I searched for the Wolf. At first, there were no signs of her. I saw only wolflings and villagers, young and old, tangled in bloodied combat. I peered through the alleys, tiptoed to see over houses, and turned and turned, searching, until my stomach lurched and my vision swayed.

  Then she appeared.

  The great white beast bounded out of the forest, sending a burst of torn leaves and snapped branches into the air. She moved too fast for me to see her in any detail. But I ran toward the giant mound of white fur in the distance. On the way, I slashed at wolflings that lunged from corners. I stopped to protect as many people as I could, but to save the most villagers, I had to keep moving.

  I had nearly reached the Wolf. She was hidden behind some houses. Staring through a passage, I saw flashes of white fur and sprays of blood. The Wolf threw mangled bodies over rooftops so that it rained villagers. Desperate to stop her, I shot down the nearest alley and burst into the area she—

  The Wolf fled.

  She leapt over a dwelling and crashed through more buildings until she got to the other side of the village. The sounds that reached me moments later suggested her massacre had resumed.

  Standing in the court the Wolf had just escaped, I looked upon the carnage: blood-soaked earth, torn limbs, and unrecognizable bodies heaped atop one another. I forced myself to look away.

  With a groan, I turned back and ran toward the Wolf again. This time, she moved before I made it halfway. Again, I changed direction, but so did she. It felt as if she were avoiding me on purpose, as if she knew I was hunting her. I didn’t believe that, though. She was just too big and fast for a human to catch up to in a wide open area like this, especially when she could jump over houses and other obstacles I had to run around.

  The only way I would come face-to-face with the Wolf here would be if she decided to rampage in my direction. The longer I pointlessly pursued her, the more people would be killed by her wolflings.

  My plan wouldn’t work. I screamed in frustration, and then I thought frantically, asking myself what mattered most to me. As much as I wanted to s
ave everyone, I couldn’t.

  I remembered Mother. The image of her lying in our home, bleeding out. A weight tugged at my heart, telling me to go to Father and protect him. No matter what he’d done, he was still my only remaining family.

  But my feet did not run to him.

  After sprinting faster than I thought possible, I found myself outside the smithy. The door and shutters were closed. Ronni stood out the front, wielding a forging hammer as a weapon in one hand, and a great sword in the other. Both instruments were dripping red.

  “Where’s Aldan?” I asked, panting.

  A fierce, defensive energy rippled in Ronni’s eyes. “He’s indoors, love. Don’t worry about him.” She nodded to one side. I followed her gaze and saw two dead wolflings, one with a bludgeoned head. “I won’t let anything get inside my smithy.”

  Reassured of Aldan’s safety, I hurried toward Eden’s house. The sights on the way filled me with both hope and despair. Just as the chandler had done in my old village, some villagers exited their homes and dropped to their knees in surrender, before being mauled by wolflings. They didn’t even try to fight, they were so sure of their inherent guilt. It crushed my heart. I doubted a single person here had done anything to deserve a fate like this.

  But what revived my heart was the sight of so many others fighting to survive. Most people were hiding in their homes, pressing themselves against latched doors to keep out the wolflings scratching at the wood. Yet others had taken up whatever weapons they could find and were meeting the beasts in battle.

  The guardians had absorbed the teachings I’d shared with Kuna; as I dashed onward, I saw groups of them thinking like wolflings, huddling together to form their own packs, guarding each other against beasts pouncing from all angles, and working together to outsmart their foes.

  When I reached Eden’s home, it was empty. Inside, everything was neat and tidy, as always. There was nothing to suggest any wolflings had gotten into the house. Eden must have left shortly after I had this morning, but because she did odd jobs, I had no idea where she was working today. Wherever she might be, I couldn’t help her now. I just hoped she would survive.