Missing Parts

by Lucinda Berry

  “You know he left Chapman. I wonder if that’s why. I guess he went out to the east coast to start a new firm or something.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. As glad as I was to find out I wasn’t a murderer, there was a part of me that liked the idea of him being dead because he could never hurt me or anyone else again. If he wasn’t dead, at least he was as far away from me as possible.

  “Did David talk to him?” I asked.

  “No, he wouldn’t leave Rori’s side. He sent me to track him down. I went to your office, but he wasn’t there. His secretary told me he was in the hospital. She never said why.”

  I reached across the table to touch her hand. She recoiled as if I’d stabbed her with a knife. “This is a lot to take in. I should get going. I’ll talk to David. He might be more rational once he’s had some time to cool off.”

  “I get it. I do. We still have to talk about Rori. We didn’t even get to that part.”

  Robin’s eyes had been unwavering but she looked away. “You’ll need to talk to David about that one.”

  “Sure. Right. I understand.”

  “I’m glad you’re okay,” she said as she got up to leave.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “I’m proud of you. You did really good today,” Joe said as we sat eating our pizza in the hotel room. It was the first meal I’d eaten since we arrived in California. Food still tasted awful, but I forced myself to swallow.

  “Thanks.”

  “I liked Robin.”

  “Everyone always likes Robin.”

  “David looked exactly how I pictured him. Seriously, I think you described him perfectly. What was it like seeing him after all this time?”

  Seeing him again hadn’t felt like I thought it would. I’d expected him to be angry and hurt, but I hoped there’d be a small measure of love buried underneath his pain. I thought he’d feel some level of compassion when he found out Phil raped me, but he had to hate me if he didn’t feel anything after what I’d told him. When two people loved each other like we had, there was an intangible energy connecting them, a magnetic force always pulling you toward each other, but gravity had shifted and we no longer orbited in the same realm. Our tie was severed.

  “Honestly, it just felt empty. It was like standing on one side of the Grand Canyon while he was on the other.”

  “Do you think he’ll talk to you again?” he asked.

  “He has to. We have to talk about Rori,” I said.

  What was it going to be like to see her? Did she hate me as much as David?

  “I don’t think I could do any of this without you.”

  He’d become precious to me in such a short time and I was lucky to have him. He’d held my hand through the worst moments of my life. How would I ever repay him for his kindness?

  “Somebody did it for me when I needed it the most and it meant the world to me. I feel like it’s the one thing I can do to give back to the people who helped me. I know I’m the most put together guy you’ve ever met, but for a while I was a hot mess.”

  I smiled. “I wouldn’t exactly call you put together.”

  I gathered up the leftover pizza and put it back in the carton. I shoved it into the small refrigerator. We’d been dancing around the fact that he was leaving tomorrow all afternoon. I returned to sit next to him on the bed. He threw his arm around me.

  “What are you going to do?” he asked.

  I returned the question. “What are you going to do?”

  “Ugh, I don’t want to leave you!” He threw himself backward on the bed, throwing a mock fit by kicking his hands and legs on the bed. “I have to leave sometime tomorrow. It’s going to take me at least two days to get there even if I drive straight through. The crew is doing fine, but we start a new project next week and I have to be there for it.”

  As much as I didn’t want them to, my eyes filled with tears at the thought of him leaving.

  He sat back up. “You know, you could come with me if you want.”

  I shook my head. I couldn’t go back to Triton. My life was here. My mom was arriving soon and I had to see her. There were still so many things to take care of. I was waiting to hear from David or Robin, but my phone hadn’t rung all day. What to do about Rori hung in the air. I couldn’t make any decisions until I knew what was going to happen with her.

  “I guess I’ll get a job. Start looking for an apartment.”

  It seemed so dismal and bleak. I’d expected my reunion to be more climatic, but it just felt sad and hopeless. I’d wanted my truth to bring healing, but instead it had only brought more pain. The first waves of depression threatened to wash over me.

  “I don’t want to leave you here all by yourself if you still need me. I can call my crew and take another day.”

  “No, it’s okay. I can’t expect you to put your life on hold for all of this. I don’t think things are going to be resolved any time soon. Besides, my mom will be here in a few days so I won’t even have to be alone for that long.”

  “Fine. Okay. But I’m not going to leave until tomorrow night. I want to be here tomorrow in case David calls.”

  He suggested we watch a movie, something light and funny to take our minds off things. I agreed and we decided on Bridesmaids. I’d already seen it twice, but it was still funny even though I knew all the lines.

  I laid awake long after we’d turned TV off and crawled into our separate beds. I listened to the sounds of him falling asleep across the room, but sleep evaded me. What was I going to do when he left? He was the only person I’d ever let into my pain-filled center. Would I see him again?

  We’d spent all of our nights together sleeping in separate beds, but tonight I crawled over onto his. I lay on top of his comforter and rested my head on his chest. He stirred and opened his eyes. He smiled at me sleepily and wrapped his arms around me. I felt safe in his arms.

  I slept on his chest until the morning and woke before he did. I put on the coffee we both would need. I sat in the chair watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was ever going to feel peaceful again.

  I couldn’t hide the tears when it was time to say good-bye. His own eyes were wet.

  “I’m good at a lot of things, but you should know good-byes aren’t one of them.” We’d been standing next to his truck for ten minutes. Neither of us had any idea how to end the journey we’d been on together. He’d been the statue holding me up and without him, I was afraid I’d crumble. I didn’t know if I could do this on my own. He kissed the top of my head. “I’m going to miss you, kiddo. I’ll probably drive through the night, but I’ll call you at one of my stops to check on you.”

  “What if I’m not here?” I asked.

  “Maybe you should add buying a new cell phone to your list of things to do.”

  I smacked him playfully. “Seriously, though. Will you call back?”

  He pulled me into his arms again. “Of course. I’ll call back as many times as it takes to reach you.” He moved me back, holding me at arm’s length. “You’re going to be okay. You can do this. You’re stronger than you think.”

  I looked into his soft brown eyes and the way his lips curled and wanted to kiss him. I wanted to pull him close and never let him go. It sent electricity shooting through my body. I pulled away.

  “You have to go now. You’ve got to just turn around and get in your truck and go.” I forced the words around the emotions in my throat.

  Tears streamed down his cheeks. “Okay.” He grabbed me one final time and I breathed in his scent knowing that no matter what happened, I’d never forget him. “I’m going. Good-bye, Celeste. You take care of yourself.”

  I stood rooted to my spot watching as he drove away, his taillights fading into the night. He’d carried me as far as he could. I was going to have to do the rest on my own no matter how terrified I was. But I realized as I fell asleep without him that I didn’t want to do things on my own anymore. I’d spent my life building walls around me
to keep other people out and my emotions inside. It was the sweetest feeling to have let someone inside and now that I’d tasted it, I wasn’t sure I could go back to being the self-sufficient put together woman I’d been. I didn’t know if I even wanted to.

  I woke up early before the sun came up and the day loomed ominously in front of me. I still hadn’t heard from David or Robin. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. The only way they had to reach me was through the hotel phone. If I left, there was a possibility I’d miss one of their calls, but what if neither of them ever called? What would I do then?

  I didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t stomach the thought of watching TV again. I’d lived without if for so long I’d grown to prefer it that way. I reached into the nightstand next to my bed and pulled out the blue Gideon Bible. I flipped through the pages aimlessly not reading any of the words. Every story I’d heard in AA described a God that had done the impossible—done things for them that they could’ve never done themselves. They always said you didn’t have to believe any particular God or religion, but the key to having your life restored was turning it over to a higher power.

  I got down on my knees. I had nothing to lose. I folded my hands in a position they’d never been in before.

  “I don’t know who you are. I don’t even know if you’re there or exist. All I know is I’ve made a mess of my life. And not just my life. Every life I’ve touched. I don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I have no idea what I’m doing. None. But I do know one thing—I can’t do this by myself. I need help. Please help me.”

  I stayed in my position for a few minutes waiting for something to happen, watching to see if a bright light would fill my room or the plan for my life would suddenly be revealed in an instant revelation. Nothing came. Joe always said when you didn’t know what do, then you just did the next thing in front of you so I got up from my spot on the floor and made coffee. I took my first cup into the shower with me.

  The phone rang as I was stepping out and I ran to pick it up, dripping water on the carpet.

  “Hello?”

  “It’s me. I talked to Robin. She filled me in on everything you told her.”

  “Oh, ok.”

  “Listen, we need to talk about Rori. There are some things we need to get straightened out.”

  “I agree.”

  “I don’t want to meet at a restaurant again and you can’t come here. I don’t want you in my house,” he said.

  “Do you want to come here? I’m staying at Comfort Inn in Santa Monica,” I asked.

  “Are you there now?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m coming over. See you in twenty minutes.”

  Click.

  I raced through the room making the bed and picking up the Styrofoam cups scattered all over. I tidied up the small bathroom and smoothed my hair. I put on the same clothes I’d seen them in before because they were the only nice ones I had.

  I opened the door twenty minutes later to find David and Robin standing there together. The bags underneath David’s eyes told me he hadn’t been sleeping. Robin gave me a nervous smile. They moved into the room together taking the seats at the table. I perched on the edge of the bed since there were only two chairs. We stared at each other, waiting for someone to speak.

  “Where’s your boyfriend?” David broke the silence.

  “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s a friend I met in AA. He’s kind of like my sponsor in a way,” I said.

  “You go to AA now? Were you a secret alcoholic too?”

  His face was inflexible, cold, and unforgiving. I didn’t recognize the man sitting in front of me even though he looked like the man I’d been married to for ten years. His softness was gone and replaced with a hardened exterior and rigid walls. It wasn’t just in his body. His eyes held the distinct look of a veteran who’d been to war and returned a changed man. His innocence was gone.

  “No, I’m not an alcoholic, but I started going to meetings in Minnesota while I was there. They helped me have the courage to tell you truth. It’s weird, but AA is a really great support group.”

  He snorted. “And you needed so much support. Poor you.”

  Robin touched his knee underneath the table. “Let’s try to be civil about this. We all just want the best for Rori.”

  “Really? We all want the best for Rori? I’m pretty sure everyone here in this room knows that’s not true.” He glared at me. His hate was so palpable I could almost reach out and touch it.

  “David, we talked about this.” She sighed.

  “I’m willing to do whatever you think is best, David. I realize I’ve lost my right to have a say in her life.”

  I was willing to do things exactly as he wanted to. I wouldn’t rush them. I wouldn’t push or pressure him. I’d take my time rebuilding my relationship with her however he wanted me to do it. He knew what was best for her. He always had.

  “That’s really what we want to talk to you about. Your rights.” David’s voice changed from one of hostility to business. His voice was matter of fact as he continued. “I want a divorce and we’d like you sign off on your parental rights for Rori.”

  I felt the last shred of hope go out of my body.

  “Are you sure you want a divorce, David? Maybe if you had more time to think about things–”

  He cut me off. “Don’t even bother. I’m done. All I want from you is your signature on the dotted lines.”

  “Ok, um…. well, I…. I just-I just….” This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. “What does signing over my parental rights mean?”

  “It means you sign a legal document giving up any and all rights to Rori. You don’t get to make any choices in regards to her life.”

  “Do I get to see her? Talk to her? Am I still in her life at all?”

  David and Robin exchanged glances communicating something I couldn’t understand. It was obvious they’d grown closer than they’d ever been.

  “No,” David said flatly. “Once you sign the papers, you can’t ever see or talk to her again.”

  I’d agreed to do whatever David wanted—to allow him to call the shots—but I wasn’t sure about this. I’d stay out of her life if that’s what he wanted, but what about what she wanted? There might come a time in her adult life when she had questions that I’d be the only one able to answer. I wanted her to understand why I’d done what I’d done. She deserved an explanation and I was the best person to give it to her.

  “I’m not sure.” I chose my words carefully because I didn’t want to set him off. “I don’t expect to just walk back into her life and start making decisions about what’s best for her. I know that’s asking too much, but don’t you think she might have questions some day? Maybe not right now, but what about when she’s a teenager or an adult? She may want to know me. She might want to talk to me.”

  “That’s not going to happen,” he said.

  “But how do you know? How can you be sure?”

  Despite how angry I was with my father, I would’ve given anything to talk to him even if I didn’t want him in my life. I would’ve wanted an explanation from him.

  “I’m sure.”

  How could he be sure? He couldn’t see beyond his own pain and anger. I looked toward Robin. “What do you think? Don’t you think we should leave it a bit more flexible and open-ended? What if she wants to talk to me someday?”

  Robin refused to meet my eyes. “It’s not possible.”

  “Why? Is it so unrealistic to think there will come a day when she wants to know who I am and why I did what I did? I’m not saying I’ll tell her she was conceived by rape, but she’s going to want to know why I left.”

  I didn’t want her to grow up the way I had, imagining all kinds of reasons for why I’d gone away. I wanted her to understand why I did what I did.

  “She doesn’t know you left,” Robin said.

  How could she not know I was gone? It had been a year.

  “Huh
? That doesn’t make any sense. What does she think happened?”

  “Celeste, we told Rori you were dead,” David said.

  The wind was knocked out of me. Waves of emotions cascaded over me. I searched through like a Rolodex trying to settle on the right one to fit my feelings, but they were coming too fast.

  “Why? I don’t understand why. Why would you do that to her?” Anger flared inside of me.

  “Seriously, really? You think it was better for her to think her mother had just walked out on her and abandoned her without even saying good-bye or so much as a second glance? To know she was about to die and her own mother just said—see you later? Believe me, it’s better for her to think you’re dead.”

  It was at that moment I knew one bad decision could destroy a lifetime and ruin every good decision you’d ever made. Returning a smile and a suggestive glance had set a train in motion that sped up relentlessly until it destroyed everyone in its tracks. I’d come back hoping to receive redemption, but there would be no redemption. No resolution.

  Robin jumped in to explain, her eyes frantic and pleading. “We didn’t think you were ever going to come back and we didn’t want her to know you’d left her. We didn’t want her to have to live with that sense of abandonment her whole life. Always wondering how you could leave her when she was dying, where you were, or what you were doing. We thought we were protecting her.”

  “You agreed to this? You were a part of this?”