by Alpha, A
The realization dawns on me, like a lazy sunrise.
I need to let go.
As soon as the thought is clear in my head, I know it will fucking break me. It will tear me apart to let her go, now that I’ve just realized what kind of a man I can be when I’m with her. And I’ll go right back to being the prick that I was. The cheating, lying bastard I’ve been all my life.
“Okay,” I say. Her shoulders sink as I say the word, even though she’s the one demanding I do this. She’s holding the knife, and I’m slicing us apart. “I’ll go, Rubi.”
I feel my own eyes filling with tears. I haven’t cried since I was a kid. And I won’t do it now, because it might change her mind, and to change her mind is to destroy her.
I turn the other way and wait for my eyes to dry up. Then I face my sweet little Rubi again, the girl who will be mine for a couple of moments longer.
“Let me have one more kiss, Rubi,” I beg her. It’s the last thing I’ll allow myself, one more taste of those full, pouty lips before I go. I’ll do it even if it destroys any relationship I might have in the future. And I fucking know it will, because even though I’m twenty-one and she’s eighteen, this is the best I’ll ever have.
She looks at me with fear and confusion in her eyes. She wants to say no, but she craves it, too. Call it closure, call it hope. It is what it is.
I step closer, and she stays glued to the spot. So I walk over to her, my steps deafeningly loud as my heart pounds in every cell of my body.
I take her in my arms, not wasting another second, knowing it might be my last.
Rubi is staring at me. Her face is blank, a premonition of what is about to come. I know that without me, she’ll go right back to being her angsty, furious self, not letting anyone in. But it’s the way it has to be.
I crush my lips against hers.
Sweet. She’s so sweet.
Thunder crashes above us, and I’m sure we’ll be hit. But we don’t spring apart. We keep our lips locked in our last kiss, even as the rain starts to fall, coming down heavy on our shoulders.
The storm breaks above us, and I kiss her hard, my tongue in her mouth, demanding more. I need to convince her we can make it. Need to admit how I feel … Her lips are so full, her mouth wicked for doing this to me.
I clutch at her desperately, but she pulls out of my arms.
We stare at each other, a few steps separating us, but it could just as well be a precipice. I will never cross it again, I realize with sadness. She is gone for me.
“Go,” Rubi says with a shaky voice. “I don’t want you at the house when I come back.”
Her words are harsh, yet her voice is shaking. I stare at her long and hard, and I don’t know if she’s crying, because drops of rain are falling down her face. I know I am, though, and I’m goddamned thankful for the rain hiding my weakness.
“OK,” I say, the simple word crushing everything between us. “I’ll go.”
She stares at me like she hopes I’ll take it back.
And I turn to leave, knowing as I do so I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
I leave my love, my tenderness, all the good I had in me, behind in the rain.
I let the storm rage on.
Chapter 20 – RUBI
I don’t know how I get home, but somehow I find myself back in the beach house, breaking down in Valerie’s arms.
“Shhh, honey,” Valerie whispers, kissing the top of my head. Daddy is taking a nap, and we have some time alone for her to explain what’s going on. “It will be all right.”
“But it won’t,” I sniffle, thinking about my Dad and Jax in turns. I can’t believe this is happening, can’t believe it’s possible to lose so much in such a short amount of time. “It will never get better. It gets worse.”
“You have to think of your Dad,” Valerie says, her voice heavy with sadness. “You have so little time left with him. You need to make it worthwhile. Now is the time to make memories.”
She takes my face in her hands, making me look at her. “You need to be strong for Daddy, Rubi,” she tells me, her voice unrelenting, and I realize she is right.
I have enough of my own problems, but they mean shit right now. All that matters is my dad. The man who was always there for me, the man who taught me to walk, speak and laugh. And now it’s time to say goodbye.
“Okay, I whisper. “I’ll do it. I’ll make it worth remembering.”
Valerie smoothes down my hair soothingly. “Good, Rubi. Your Daddy will be so happy. He was so worried about your reaction. He was scared you’d be angry, and resent him for not telling you.”
And I fucking do, I want to yell at her.
I hate him for not telling me.
I despise him for hiding it.
And most of all, I fucking can’t stand the fact that he will leave me.
A month later
As soon as Jax left, the weather turned on us. The weathermen promised us a heated summer filled with sunshine. However, it is turning out to be one of the worst seasons in the past twenty years.
There have been rain, thunder and storms all summer long.
But I don’t mind it too much, to be honest. I get to spend the days inside with Daddy, who is becoming weaker each day.
We’ve moved him and Valerie to the guest bedroom on the ground floor, because he can’t manage the stairs, not even on a good day. We have a nurse coming in four days per week, and she tries to help him as much as she can.
Time is passing. We’re running out of days, and I’m bitterly aware of the fact that soon, I will be all by myself.
I don’t show that I notice Daddy’s weakness, though. I’m always smiling, laughing even when I’m breaking on the inside. We play board games, do crosswords puzzles and watch a ton of TV. We do anything to take our mind off Daddy’s illness, even though I’m sure it’s the one thing on our minds.
I never thought I would be as close to someone as I am to Valerie. She is the one to comfort me these days, the mother figure who comes into my bedroom at night to tuck me in. I pretend I am sleeping every time, needing that comforting touch.
I blocked Jax’s number first thing when I came home to find him gone. It hurt so bad to see the emptiness he left behind, feeding our parents some stupid lie when he left. His room is empty and has no personality anymore. Just like me.
Maybe he tried to contact me, but I’d rather not know. I still check my messages every day, hoping he’s sent something, but there’s never anything. I know I should be grateful, should be moving on.
I’m trying to, I swear.
There’s someone else in my life.
He is not Jax.
No one will ever be Jax.
And maybe this is my fucked-up way of getting back at him for doing what he did.
But truth be told, Adrian’s lips will never taste as good as my stepbrothers. His kisses won’t make me feel the same way, won’t send butterflies fluttering in my tummy. His caress is soothing, but it doesn’t do my head in …
There’s no heat. No fireworks.
But I guess that’s the way real relationships work … when the initial lust fades. That’s all there ever was between Jax and me – primal instinct.
So I let Adrian take me out sometime, when the pain at home is too much to bear. Pretend my stepbrother’s face isn’t always on my lips.
And every time we kiss, it gets a little bit better, and some of the pain fades away. I hope that one day, there will be none left at all.
6 weeks later
Today is a good day. Daddy feels better because of some new medication his doctor prescribed. I know it shouldn’t give me hope, but it fucking does. It makes me believe we might have get another chance. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll all make it out okay.
Daddy and I are sitting on the porch as the rain hammers down on the roof, the sound so pleasant and soothing I could listen to it all day.
“Rubi, come sit next to me,” Daddy asks with a raspy voice, and I do as he
says. I come the bench, and he wraps me up in a bear hug, with me trying to pretend I don’t notice the bones poking through his paper-thin skin.
He sighs, looking at the cloudy sky. “I’m sorry, Rubi,” he says brokenly, and I look at him with surprise in my eyes.
“Why, Daddy?” I want to know.
“I’m sorry I messed this all up.” He rubs his tired, red-rimmed eyes and I can hear Valerie clattering with the dishes in the kitchen. I love her, but for once I am happy she isn’t here. I need this moment alone with my father.
“I wanted us to have another summer together. For you to meet your new … family,” he smiles. “I thought you and Jax were–”
“Stop it, Daddy,” I cut him off, my lips pursing in defiance.
“I know, you don’t want to talk about it,” he sighs. “I know he hurt you when he left. But Rubi, I am not his responsibility, and he had every right to take that job offer.”
My heart pangs with guilt, knowing there was no job – it’s just an excuse Jax came up with for leaving all of a sudden. Something I asked him to do.
“I won’t be around much longer,” Dad says, and I shake my head.
“You might. The new meds are working so well, it could–”
“No, Rubi.” Daddy pats my hand, giving me a bitter smile. “A man knows when there’s not much time left. I feel the end. I feel it calling me. And it’s okay, darling … I’m leaving you in good hands. You are safe.”
He pulls me closer, and I let the tears fall, letting my Dad see me at my weakest. I’m angry at myself as much as I am relieved, for showing him how much he means to me.
“I love you, Daddy,” I say softly.
“And I love you, Rubi,” he admits. “Your old man will be okay baby, and so will you. You have to be a good girl. You have to be brave for me. Can you promise me that?”
I nod, the tears spilling down my face.
The end of the summer
Today is August 29th and we just got the news that Daddy’s cancer has spread to his brain, his liver and his lungs.
I’m holding him, like he’s the child, and I’m the parent. But it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. I tell Daddy as much, whispering in his ear. I keep whispering even when Valerie tries to pry me away. She has to get the nurse and a doctor to help get me away from my Daddy, who died in my arms.
I don’t leave the room. I hold his arm until he is taken away. I will let myself cry once I can’t touch him anymore. I have to stay strong, for Valerie, who is already breaking down. I have to stand tall for my Daddy, who would be proud to see me with my head raised high in the air.
We watch the ambulance pull away, hand in hand. It fucking hurts to see they don’t turn on the emergency lights on the vehicle. It is in that moment that I realize this is it, he is gone. I don’t get to be a Daddy’s girl anymore, because Daddy isn’t here anymore.
It’s as if a switch goes off in my head, cutting my brain from the rest of my body. My legs buckle underneath me and Valerie is too slow to catch me, so I fall to the floor, hitting my head hard against the concrete.
She keeps asking me if I’m okay, trying to get me up. But I can’t. I am too weak, as much as I am trying to fight it. So instead, I lie in our driveway, looking up at the darkening sky.
The clouds have gathered once more, even though today we saw the first few rays of sunshine in weeks. It’s as if the sun was trying to tell me Daddy would be okay.
Now it has different things in mind, though, and the clouds tear above me, the thunder deafening in my sensitive ears. Valerie runs inside to shield herself from the rain, but I relish every drop on my scorched face.
I stare at the sky, and it’s my way of saying goodbye.
Goodbye, my last year at the beach house.
Goodbye, my last year of innocence.
Goodbye, Jax… Sweet, forbidden Jax.
Goodbye, Daddy. I’ll always be your little girl. Even when you can’t hold my hand anymore.
***
A card arrives the next day. A blank white card, so hopeful amidst the sea of black that surrounds the house. I see the clumsy writing on it, and my heart breaks, even though I thought it couldn’t take another beating. It’s already in pieces.
Sorry
The one word in the card. No signature.
I can picture his shaky fingers scribbling it down, so inexperienced with words and feelings. And even though it shouldn’t, it means so much.
But I hate that it does, so I watch it burn in the fireplace before going to Daddy’s funeral. And I close that chapter of my life once and for all.
PART 2 – The Second Summer
4 years later
Chapter 21 – JAX
“Jax!” she moans at the top of her lungs, her lithe body writhing under my weight as I pump my length inside her dripping pussy. “Oh, manache!”
I smile at her, clenching my teeth as I finish, releasing my come. She keeps begging for more, but my needs have been satisfied with that final thrust of my hips.
Rolling off her, I run a hand through my hair and get up, my breath catching in my throat as I grin at the blonde in my bed. She’s gorgeous, and if my memory is not deceiving me, she models for an Italian agency and is in the city because of work.
“Thanks for that, darlin’,” I tell her with a groan, taking off the condom with a pop and discarding it in the waste basket next to my bed. “Do you need me to call you a cab?”
Blondie throws a pillow at my head, but I’m too fast for her, moving out of the way. I’m grinning at her as an avalanche of Italian curse words rolls from her lips.
She jumps up from my bed, her tits bouncing and making my cock stir despite what we just did. Pulling on her skimpy outfit from last night, Blondie gives me the finger before storming towards the front door.
“Fun times,” I call after her, grinning from ear to ear and she turns around, glaring at me. If looks could kill…
“Cazzo,“ she screams, slamming the door as I laugh out loud. What a treat that was, and an unexpected one, too. When I went to the club with friends last night, I was expecting to leave with someone, but most definitely not the girl of the moment.
I jump in the shower, rinsing off her scent of alcohol and expensive perfume, my mind replaying the sex I just had with a smile on my lips. Just as I’m getting out of the bathroom, my phone starts ringing.
I fumble around for my cell and realize it’s turned off, so it must be the land line. Only one person calls me on that line, and that is my mother.
I’m already dreading this conversation as I reach for the phone. I mentally prepare myself for the onslaught.
I don’t know when my relationship with mom went to shit. It must’ve been around four years ago. I make myself vanquish those thoughts, just like I always do.
There aren’t many rules I go by, but there is a big one I never, ever break.
Don’t think about that summer. Don’t call. Don’t care. Forget.
“Hello?” I answer the incessant ringing, my voice already tired before the conversation even begins. I rub my eyes with a free hand, my hair dripping down my back as I do so.
“Jax,” my mother greets me formally. There’s always this tension when we talk, full of unasked and unanswered questions. My mouth forms a tense line as I wait for her to go on.
She never calls me without a reason, so this must be something important.
“What can I do for you, mother?” I ask, just as formal. Let’s play this game, then – I can be a jackass if I want to. And if she insists on treating me like a business partner instead of her own goddamned son, so be it.
“I am calling to tell you of some news,” she retorts stiffly after a brisk pause. She’s so damn formal it makes me wonder if she’s upset that our relationship reached this point. If she ever wonders what could have been had that summer never happened.
“What is it?” I ask, preparing for the worst.
“I’m getting married,” she admits, and her voice
seems almost shy.
And because I am a jerk, I make fun of my mother. The one woman who is a constant in my life, and who, despite our drifting apart over the last few years, loves me no matter what. “Oh, again?” I ask with a mocking voice. “What else is new?”
There is a long pause on the other end of the line, which fucking hurts. She sighs, letting out the air she seems to have been holding in for the entire length of this conversation. “It’s happening in July. We’re having it in Newport.”
I’m transported four years ago. Newport …
“But that’s so close to–” I begin, unable to stop myself, but mother dearest cuts me off, her voice cold.
“Yes, Newport is not that far from the beach house.”
Another long pause, but she breaks it and continues, my heart beating out of tune in my chest as she does so. I need to hear more.
“I would like it if you came, but obviously, you don’t have to if you have other obligations.”
I think it through, thinking of what that would mean. It might be the last chance to rekindle some semblance of a mother-son relationship. But then again, it would mean having to be near that place – the beach house is only an hours’ drive away.
“Fine,” I say stiffly. “I’ll come. Send over the date and information, and I’ll catch a flight that week. Is there a hotel I can stay at?”
Mother waits for a long moment before answering. “You could stay in the beach house,” she says. “It’s available.”
My heart is about to burst out of my chest at the mere mention of that place. I furrow my brows, thinking what that would be like. So many memories. And because I’m a stupid prick who apparently likes torturing himself, I say I’ll do it and mother gives me the date of the wedding.
I’m so busy thinking about the beach house I don’t even ask about the groom. Last I know, she was seeing some guy her age, a car dealership owner who was loaded. Not that I care about money – I have enough myself.
