by Alpha, A
“I understand you wanted to come to your mother’s wedding, Jax,” I tell him, trying to keep some semblance of calmness. “Even though I’ve been more of a daughter to her than you have a son for all these years.”
I can tell my words have cut deep, and if I weren’t so angry, I’d regret them instantly. This way, it will take me a couple of hours.
“You may think you can stroll back in my life and pretend everything is okay,” I tell him coldly. “But I haven’t forgotten what happened. You made a bet about me, you prick!” My voice is raised at this point, and I’m almost shouting.
Instead of nodding remorsefully, Jax grabs my hips and pulls me closer. I let out a breath, feeling like I’ve been holding it in for years. But he doesn’t kiss me, he just pulls me until I’m a few inches away from his strong muscular body, glaring at me.
“I made a bet with the man you are engaged to,” he tells me angrily. “What makes him so different from me? Why would you chose him over me?”
“Because he stayed,” I reply. “He helped me. He fucking cared, Jax, and you just left and never came back. You never thought about me after all that happened. And you didn’t even say goodbye to my Daddy.”
There are hot tears in my eyes, but I’m more surprised by the change in Jax. His fingers dig into my skin and his eyes are shooting daggers.
“You told me to leave,” he reminds me. “You made me swear, made me promise. I left because you wanted it, not me.”
My resolve is weakening by the second, and I pry his fingers off my body. I know he’s right. It was my decision – one that I’ve been regretting ever since it all went down that summer.
“Jax, nothing could ever happen between us, anyway,” I protest, raising my gaze to his wounded eyes. “You were my stepbrother. We were siblings by marriage.”
“But we aren’t related,” he says furiously, grabbing my hand and clutching it to his heart. I look into his eyes, seeing the desperation I so badly need him to feel. I can sense his heartbeat under my palm and it hurts, knowing he still wants this to happen.
I have to remind myself I’m an engaged woman. I have the perfect fiancé – handsome, caring, kind. I’ve already made my choice, and there’s no going back now.
“Jax, there’s no point in us arguing,” I say, prying my hand away from his tight grip. “There’s nothing left between us. Nothing. Let’s just move on.”
I leave right then, leaving him standing alone in the kitchen. I’m well aware of the fact that staying behind might convince me to do something very, very foolish.
As much as I try to convince myself, I can’t deny the truth in the end. Jax Manning will always make my heart race, my blood heat and my pussy wet.
I look at the floor guiltily. His mere touch has made me wet, drenching my panties – something that has never, ever happened with Adrian.
Have I made a mistake? I let myself wonder for a second, then shake my head and purse my lips. Pushing the sudden doubt away, I move on with my day. I can’t afford another heartbreak.
Chapter 25 – JAX
I can’t get the scene from the kitchen out of my head. My obsession is worse now than it was when we were younger, and I’m realizing it will be harder and harder to forget about her.
This trip was a mistake. I should have stayed in Chicago.
I don’t sleep at all, even though the guesthouse bed is plush and fitted with expensive Egyptian cotton sheets. I toss and turn all night long, and I wake up more tired than I was when I went to sleep.
Today, I was supposed to go to a dress fitting with my mother. I have no fucking idea why she wants me there. I’ve made sure to protest long enough, and now I’m just having brunch with her when she’s done with the fitting.
The idea of my mother married doesn’t bug me as much as Rubi’s engagement does. And just thinking about Adrian’s hands touching her skin and that luscious body that should belong to me… it drives me insane.
I get ready, taking care of my own breakfast. The guesthouse has windows all over the front side, and I can’t help but sneak glances at the main house. But there’s nothing to see; it looks like both Adrian and Rubi are out today.
I have an insane desire to go inside the house, snoop around – maybe take a whiff of Rubi’s lingerie drawer. But I realize pretty soon I’m being obsessive, and shake the thought out.
I drive to Newport, to a fancy place mom picked to get brunch. When I round the corner, I see a pretty terrace with white and blue decorations. So not the place I want to be.
What I like even less is the huge table full of giggling women which I am about to join.
“Hello, Jax,” my mother greets me with reserve and we exchange an awkward hug. But truth be told, she does look good – glowing almost. Guess the new guy is working out all right for her.
“Thought it would be just the two of us, mother,” I say with my mouth pressed in a thin line as a girl on my mother’s side dissolves in laughter. I look at her with annoyance, taking in her small frame and strawberry blonde hair, along with an enormous pair of boobs.
I know this girl.
“Yeah, you know me,” she says, giggling, like she just read my mind. I can’t help but smile, encouraging her to go on with a hand gesture.
“It’s Susie, jackass,” she says good-naturedly, taking a sip of her mimosa. “God, nothing like alcohol in the morning.”
“And what is your part in my mother’s wedding preparations?” I ask with a raised eyebrow, unable to hide the smile on my face. I like this girl. She has spunk.
“Keeping Rubi company,” she says simply, and gives me a wicked smile. She might as well have said she knows all my dirty secrets, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I’ll blush.
My mother swoops in to save me, doing a round of introductions to the rest of the ladies at the table. I’m enveloped in hugs, kissed on the cheek and gushed about by a billion relatives, most of whom I haven’t seen in years. Only one is instantly recognizable. It’s my cousin Cassandra, who has grown from a geeky nerd into a relatively attractive woman.
We’re not related by blood, but I wouldn’t dream of touching her. One inappropriate relationship per lifetime, please.
“Yes, I am doing law too,” Cassandra drones on and I try to mute out her voice and nod at the same time. For such an attractive woman, she sure is boring as hell.
My eyes keep scanning the crowd, as if Rubi will appear out of thin air. I wonder why she isn’t here today.
We all order our food and I sit miserably amidst the gaggle of women who are all intent on engaging in a conversation with me. Finally, my eyes land on my saving grace.
Rubi’s rushing around the corner, her bun in perfect disarray. She’s wearing a prim and proper floral dress that I want to tear off that perfect body right now, and a fucking headband.
“So sorry I’m late,” she says as soon as she reaches us, setting down a huge scrapbook. “I had a meeting – hi, ladies!” She waves to everyone, exchanging pecks with my mother and Susie.
She sits down facing me and raises her eyes, reeling back in shock when she sees me sitting there. As the conversation moves on, I smirk at her and she rolls her eyes in a dramatic motion. “You have something to say?” she asks defensively.
“You’re wearing a headband,” I point out matter-of-factly.
“Yes, stupid,” she retorts, and it’s like we’re teenagers again. I’m already grinning, having missed our stupid banter. “Something wrong with headbands?”
“No, no,” I say with a grin. “Perfect for your age – you’re fifty next year, or is it twelve?”
She shoots daggers with her eyes as I laugh out loud, shaking my head. My heart swells with emotion when I see her crack a smile as well. She makes a face at me and starts talking to my mother, instead.
I stare at Rubi for a good while after that, absent-mindedly picking at my food as I do so. I love the easy relationship she has with my mother. They are a family, and I feel like a shithe
ad for having kept my distance all these years.
The brunch goes on forever, but Rubi’s presence makes time pass faster. Pretty soon, we’re all filing out of the restaurant. I am once again assaulted by a barrage of cheek-pinching, gushing women.
I say my goodbyes until four of us are left – my mother, Cassandra, Susie, and Rubi. The three women chat while my mother approaches me hesitantly. I have to admit, it fucking hurts to see her behave with such caution, like she thinks I’m about to snap or something.
I’ve done more damage than I thought. I hope there’s still time to fix everything.
“Jax,” she starts, a small hopeful smile playing on her lips. That makes me feel like there’s still a chance for fixing all the shit I’ve messed up over the years. A good look at my mother reveals she wants the same. “I’m very glad you came.”
I look her straight in the eyes, my smile genuine. “I’m very glad to be here. You look beautiful, mom.”
It feels awkward calling her that, like I’m still a kid – but the smile that lights up her face in the next second makes me feel like it was worth it. I take her small hand in my own and grin.
“I can see you’re happy. And I hope in the future, I get to be the one to put that smile on your face sometime, too.”
She looks shocked, but happy, making me wonder if I am really such a jackass. Sure, I sleep around, I do stupid shit – but I always thought I still had a good grasp of what’s right and what isn’t.
Guess not.
I smile encouragingly at my mother as the other women join us in front of the restaurant. “Shall we go to the harbor for a walk?” Rubi suggests.
My cousin sighs dramatically, waving a hand in the air. “Rubi, I must get to your house. I forgot my notebook when we met for drinks the other day.”
“Oh,” Rubi seems surprised, chewing her bottom lip. “Well, Adrian is there – are you okay with going on your own while we do some window shopping on the way to the harbor?”
Another sigh. “I guess.” She searches for her cell phone and gives us all a wave. “Anyway, must dash. Have fun, ladies.”
I give her a weird look as she saunters off, but then the rest of the woman start chattering off and walking away. I look at them retreating, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do. I sure as hell don’t like window shopping, but for some reason, it made me feel better being in my family’s company.
Rubi turns around, looking at me over her shoulder. “Come on, slowpoke,” she calls after me and I roll my eyes at her, walking over to them and exclaiming I will not partake in their shopping.
Secretly, I can’t wait to spend more time with Rubi, and my mom, too. Susie can be the comic relief.
Chapter 26 – RUBI
The next few days pass in a flash – I have some projects to finish up at work, so I’m out of the house for the better part of the day. Jax stays out of the way and I’m not sure whether I like or hate that. Adrian and I spend time together in the evenings, but ever since Jax waltzed back into my life, I haven’t been able to sleep with my fiancé.
He noticed. You bet he did.
Today, his mouth is set in a thin line as we go to bed.
“I suppose I’m not getting any tonight, either?” he asks with an annoyed expression and I look at him with surprise. He’s not usually this vulgar.
“Come on, Adrian,” I say tiredly. “I’ve been working such long hours. Can’t you wait a couple of days?”
“While you sleep with your stepbrother behind my back?” he asks with a raised voice and my eyes widen at what he’s suggesting. He sighs right away, giving me a placating look, his arms outstretched. “I’m sorry, honey.”
“You know what?” I ask, climbing out of the bed, my slip feeling too revealing all of a sudden. “I’d prefer sleeping in the living room.”
“Babe, come on,” he says lamely, but I raise a hand to stop him, giving him a cold glare.
“You don’t get to talk to me like that,” I say matter-of-factly. “Ever again.”
I don’t give him a chance to reply and just leave, heading downstairs and putting together the sofa bed. The fact that he doesn’t come after me, even to offer me the bed so he can take the couch, is offensive and hurtful.
Maybe I’m doing the wrong thing, the nagging voice in the back of my head begins again, and this time around, it’s even harder to keep it quiet.
I settle on the sofa bed, but I can’t sleep at all. I end up tossing and turning for hours, but around 2 a.m., I admit to myself I won’t be able to sleep a wink. I get up and make myself some tea, snuggling up with the cup on the sofa.
My eyes keep glancing at the guesthouse, but all the lights are out. I guess Jax is sleeping better than I am tonight – and judging by the snoring coming up from upstairs, so is Adrian.
I am deep in thought when a voice interrupts my thinking, and I realize it’s coming from the basement. Furrowing my brow, I head towards the stairs that lead down there.
I’m not afraid of the dark, but the creaky, dusty stairs still scare me. Nonetheless, I head down there, turning on the lights with a shaky hand.
A huge tabby stares at me from the middle of the room and I smile. I move to the side of the room covered in white sheets and open the small latch to the outside, and in three swift jumps, the cat is out of there. The latch closed after it jumped in, trapping it inside.
I’m about to head back upstairs when my eyes land on a pile of stuff stored away down here. I know what’s under all these white sheets – memories.
I don’t mean to do it, but my legs carry me over to one of the boxes by themselves. I take the sheet off, and dust flies in my face, making me cough like crazy.
Because I’m feeling nostalgic, I end up sitting on the floor. I’m going through boxes and boxes of mementos from the summer we spent here together, four years ago.
So many things remind me of Daddy. Yellowed photos, curling at the edges, from when I was just a kid. And then recent ones, with him thin and sallow. They make me wonder how on earth I didn’t notice the cancer eating away at him.
Tears flood my eyes as I pull out more things. My ratty teddy bear. An old friend.
Each thing I find tells a story, and as time passes, my tears start flowing freely. I don’t let myself cry in front of others, not even Valerie, who has become a dear friend since that fateful summer. But today, the floodgates have opened.
I come across a notebook, one of the leather bound black volumes dad always used to scribble down his thoughts. Opening it absent-mindedly, I try to find comfort in the slanted handwriting I used to know so well.
But as I go over his handwritten notes, some of the words jump straight off the page.
Sorry … Jax … daughter … understand.
I look at the notebook in confusion, turning it over in my hands. I flip to the first page, and right there, in capital letters, is my name.
Confused, I start reading the small notebook, and my eyes widen as I absorb the text like it’s my sustenance. I’ve stumbled across something important. Something that could have changed the course of my life had I found it in the right moment.
My dear Rubi,
I don’t have much longer in this world. But I wanted to leave you this letter. I wanted to tell you some things, to let you know I understand.
I know about you and Jax, Rubi. You never knew how to keep a secret, dear, and the walls in this house are thin – plus, you shout when you’re on the phone with Susie!
I know he left because of what you wanted, but for what it’s worth, I think you made the wrong decision. I met Jax when he was at a low point, Rubi, but even then, I knew he was one of the good ones.
Still, when I found out about you two, I wanted to kick his teeth in. I still thought of you as my little girl. And later, I was angry as hell at him for leaving. I never told Valerie, honey. But after some time passed, I saw how miserable you were.
And I want you to know, you have my blessing. You should be with the man tha
t makes you happy, and if Jax is that man, so be it.
I’ve done some stupid stuff in my life, but my biggest mistake was not staying true to myself. I’ve loved two women, and I abandoned a child when I left one of them. I will regret that for the rest of my life.
Rubi, I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as your old man. You need to call him, make him come back. Please, Rubi
The writing stops abruptly and it sends a pang through my heart when I realize he stopped because he couldn’t carry on – he got too weak. And after he passed away, we stashed everything down here, because it was too painful to go through Daddy’s stuff.
My hand flutters to my chest as I realize what this means.
My Dad found out about me and Jax in the later stages of his illness, and despite everything that was going on, he accepted it. He admitted being angry at first, but there wasn’t even a word about us being stepsiblings. He didn’t even care about it.
Eyes filled with tears, I put everything back in its place, clutching the black notebook to my chest. I cover everything with the dusty sheets and try to be as quiet as possible when I climb the stairs.
I cuddle on the sofa bed, the notebook pressed to my heart. The tears have stopped, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurting. Because I am – and worse than ever.
If only I had found the notebook when Daddy died.
If only I could go back.
If only I weren’t engaged.
If only I were braver…
I shut my eyes, trying to convince myself it’s not too late yet. But try as I might, I know I’ve moved on with my life and so should Jax. What happened between us could have blossomed into a romance, but the spark was extinguished by my father’s death. And now it’s too late to start a fire.
The realization doesn’t make this any easier though, and as I fall into a fitful sleep, I dream of Jax.
Always Jax.
Only Jax.
Chapter 27 – JAX
The wedding is drawing closer, and when it finally happens, my time in the guesthouse will come to an end. I haven’t seen Rubi much these days, but Adrian always seems to be around. He has this weird attitude towards me – half animosity, half friendliness. It makes me severely confused as to what he wants to accomplish.
