by E. L. Todd
“My problem? I don’t have a problem.”
‘Then be serious with him. What are you trying to achieve?”
Abby was growing annoyed. “I know your concern comes from a good place, but my personal life is none of your concern. I like the arrangement I have with him. It’s not messy, complicated, or painful.”
“And what about when he leaves?”
“That won’t hurt me either,” Abby said simply.
“And why not?”
“Because I know it will happen. Therefore, it doesn’t hurt. If I was in a serious relationship and he left, it would be totally different.”
Alexandra sighed. “I know you’ve gone through a hard time, but this is not smart. Be with him. He loves you.”
“No, he doesn’t. And I don’t love him.”
“I don’t agree with that either,” Alexandra said. “I see the way you look at him, cling to him. It’s written all over you face.”
“I don’t know what you see, but it isn’t that.” She scooped the broccoli into her mouth then swallowed it.
“Abby—”
“I know what I’m doing,” she said firmly. “I’m not ready for a relationship, but I don’t want to be alone. Fernan understands that—he gets it. I’m not saying I want to be alone forever, but right now I can’t commit. Just let it go.”
Alexandra eyed her sister.
Blaise glanced between them. “Can I say something?”
Alexandra nodded.
“This is totally sexist,” he said, looking at Alexandra.
“What?” Alexandra asked.
“I went through the same phase she did. I slept around because I didn’t want to be tied down to anyone, and when I was tied down, I hated it. Only when I met the girl of my dreams did everything change. If Abby wants to play the field for a while, there’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone does it. I feel like you’re only prejudice to it because she’s a girl.”
Abby smiled at Blaise. “I like him.”
Alexandra shook her head. “I’m not being sexist. I just don’t want my sister to get hurt.”
“I won’t,” Abby said. “And I’m not sleeping around with a bunch of random guys. It’s only Fernan. And if my feelings change, I’ll see if he wants to be something more. But right now, neither one of us want that. I appreciate your concern, but please stay out of it.”
Alexandra stared at the surface of the wood for a moment. After she sighed, she looked at her sister. “And all of that would be fine if we didn’t have a problem.”
“We don’t have a problem,” Abby said.
“Fernan is in love with you,” Alexandra said firmly. “I know he is.”
Abby rolled her eyes. “I know him better than you do.”
“Which is why you’re blinded,” Blaise said. “I agree with Alexandra. I saw the way he looked at you. And who arranges backstage passes for a girl he’s just fucking? I know I would never do that. Why spend more money on the same glass of milk.”
Abby shook her head. “You’re both wrong.”
“Are you sure?” Alexandra asked. “Because if he does love you, then this arrangement needs to stop. You’re only hurting him. And I love Fernan. He deserves better than that.”
When Abby thought about their time together, she recognized moments when he was especially tender or affectionate. She wondered if she meant more to him than he was letting on, but she wasn’t sure. “I’ll ask him.”
“And what if he says yes?” Alexandra asked.
“I’ll end it,” she said sadly.
Alexandra nodded. “That’s the right thing to do.”
Abby sipped the red wine then stared at the wall. She knew Fernan didn’t have feelings for her, but what if he did? When she thought about it, she wondered if she felt something for him too. He made her happy, feel at ease. And he was a wonderful person and man. But those feelings had to remain dormant. Because if they were released, they would just ruin her.
Abby pushed her plate away. “I should go.”
“Where?” Alexandra asked.
“Talk to Fernan.”
“Good,” Alexandra said with a nod.
“Thank you for dinner, Blaise.”
He nodded. “You’re welcome.”
Abby grabbed her purse then left their apartment. Her mind was in a whirlwind for her entire walk. She passed people on the street without really looking at them. When she arrived at Fernan’s apartment, she didn’t even remember the journey.
Abby knocked on the door and waited for him to answer, her heart pounding in her ears.
Fernan opened it, a smile on his face. “This is a lovely surprise.”
“I hope I’m not intruding.”
He grabbed her hips and pulled her into the apartment. “You’re always welcome here. I don’t know how many times I have to say it.”
“Well, you might have company…”
“I have nothing to hide.” He pulled her into the living room. “What do I owe the pleasure?”
She sat down on the couch. “We need to talk…”
The happiness in his eyes vanished, replaced by concern. “I have a feeling I’m not going to like this conversation.”
She took a deep breath. “Fernan—”
“Can I just say something first?” He grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “I really love being with you and I don’t want to lose you. So if I did something to upset you, please work it out with me. Don’t just cut me out.”
The sincerity in his eyes made her heart clench painfully. “No, that’s not what I was going to say.”
“Oh.” His hand relaxed. “I’m sorry for assuming.”
“Um…Alex and Blaise seemed to think you’re in love with me.”
Fernan said nothing, keeping a stoic face.
“And, this probably totally wrong, but, are you…?”
He pulled his hand away and placed it in his lap. His face was still unreadable. Fernan searched her gaze, trying to read her mind. But he didn’t give any of his own in return. “Why are you asking?”
“Why aren’t you answering?”
“It’s just a really big accusation. I’d like to know where it came from.”
She shrugged. “Alexandra says it’s the way you look at me. Blaise agrees.”
“And why does it matter?”
“Well, I couldn’t date you if that’s how you felt. I would never hurt you, Fernan. I know I seem okay on the outside, but I’m a shattered glass sculpture on the inside. There are too many broken pieces to put back together. One day I might be able to be in a relationship again, but for now, I can’t see that happening. And if this relationship means more to you, I can’t be in it. I respect you way too much to hurt you.”
Fernan said nothing for a long time. He rubbed his palms together. “I think you’re in love with me.”
“What?”
“I just see it in the way you look at me, kiss me, make love to me. I’m surprised you didn’t notice. So I find it ironic that your sister assumes I’m in love with you, but doesn’t notice your obvious attachment to me.”
“Well, I’m not in love with you…”
“Are you sure?” he asked. “Because I think you are. You’re just in denial about it.”
“No,” she said firmly. “I’m not.”
He stared at her. “Abby...it’s me. You can be honest with me.”
“I—I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I am. But my despair is clearly more emotional than my feelings for you. I can’t love someone until my broken past is resolved. So, for now, if I’m in love with you, I don’t acknowledge it.”
He nodded. “That makes sense—in a very complicated way.”
She stared into his eyes. “Fernan, are you in love with me?” She waited for him to speak, wondering what he would say.
“No.”
She didn’t see a trace of a lie in his eyes. “So my sister was wrong?”
He nodded.
She breathed a sigh of relief. “I didn’
t want to lose you.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. “You’re the only stability I have in my life right now, my only friend.”
He pulled her closer to him and kissed her forehead. “I didn’t want to lose you either,” he whispered.
She moved into his lap and listened to him breathe.
“Abby, why do you want this relationship?”
“It makes me happy,” she said. “There’s no fear of pain, no regret.”
“I’m your friend, right?” he said.
She nodded.
“Then tell me why you are the way you are.” He pressed his face close to hers. “Maybe I can help you.”
She shook her head. “I said I don’t want to talk about it. You already give me exactly what I need.”
“Maybe I only give you what you want. There’s a difference.”
Abby kissed his cheek. “There is. But please don’t take that away from me.”
He looked into her eyes then sighed. “Okay. Anything for you.”
Chapter Nineteen
“Let’s just meet there,” she said as she grabbed her purse from the counter. She listened to Toby over the phone.
“No, I’ll just pick you up.”
“Stop being stubborn,” she said. “I’ll meet you there. I’m leaving now.” She hung up then opened the door.
Toby was standing on her doorstep, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He wore a dark blue jacket.
“What did I just say?”
“I was already here,” he argued.
She locked the door then walked down the hallway.
“You seriously don’t trust me—still? We’ve been talking for weeks.”
“Psychopaths are patient.”
He eyed her. “And you know how impatient I am. Therefore, I’m a normal guy.”
“That’s debatable,” she said with a laugh.
They left her building and walked to the park, where they had the market.
“So, what are we looking for?” he asked. He kept his hands in his pockets while he walked beside her.
“Something beautiful,” she said simply.
He stared at her. “Done.”
She glared at him. “You know what I mean.”
He nudged her arm with his elbow. “I still meant it.”
A man had his stand of paintings, and Abby stopped to take a look. “I like that one,” she said.
Toby stood beside her and examined it. “It’s a flower…”
“But it’s beautiful. Look at the colors and the brushwork.”
“Brushwork?” he asked.
She pointed to the picture. “You see these lines in the paint? They are indirect lines and force your eyes to certain parts of the piece.”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah…”
“And I like the brightness of the petals. It contrasts against the rain in the background. Like it’s persevering despite the death of winter. It won’t give up in its struggle to survive. It’s defiant.”
He turned his gaze to her. “You got all this from a painting?”
She nodded. “What do you see?”
“A flower,” he said with a shrug.
“Look harder,” she said with a smile.
“I don’t know…I’m not good at this.”
“If I said that when we were running, you would just push me harder.”
He smiled. “You have a point.” He took a deep breath and stared at the painting. “Each leaf if different, like it belongs to different plants.”
“I didn’t even notice that…”
“Now I have another reason to be cocky.”
She stared at it. “Wow. You’re right. The serrated edges here indicate it’s a rose…but it’s not. And this petal shows it’s a lily.”
He smiled triumphantly. “I’m awesome.”
“Good job, Toby.”
They moved down the rows and looked at the different merchandise. There was jewelry, fruits, and birdhouses.
“I never come to these things,” he said.
“Where do you shop?”
“Amazon.”
She rolled her eyes. “That’s not lazy at all.”
“I get prime shipping, so it’s free.” His shoulder brushed hers as he walked. He always stood very close to her, practically touching her hand with his.
They moved to another artist section. A woman had her artwork displayed on easels and tables. Some were photographs and some were paintings.
“These are oil paintings,” she said. “They are a little more difficult to work with, but they create such vibrant colors.”
“Cool.”
She glared at him. “Cool?”
“I mean, awesome.”
“Just stop,” she said with a sigh. She looked through the paintings and felt his chest against her arm. He leaned into her, trying to get a better look. Feeling him so close to her made her shiver involuntarily. His breath fell on her neck, giving her bumps up and down her arms.
Abby moved away and walked to the next setup.
The paintings on display were traditional brushwork, which was her preference. It’s what Fernan used on all his paintings. She looked through them until she saw one that made her heart drop. An older woman was sitting in a café, sipping a cup of coffee. Another cup was across the table, the chair pulled out. But there was no one there. The rest of the tables were far away, exaggerated in their distance. She knew she wanted the painting as soon as she saw it.
“Wow…”
Toby eyed it. “You like it?”
“I love it.”
He stared at it. “I don’t see what the big deal is.”
“She’s alone, left by someone else. But it’s not his absence that makes her feel lonely. It’s her distance from everyone in the world, including herself.”
Toby glanced at her. “How do you know it’s a he?”
“I just do…”
He stared at it again. “Are you going to get it?”
“I have to.” She turned to the woman at her desk. “I’ll take that one.”
“Good choice,” she said. She opened her cashbox. “That will be two-thousand dollars.”
Abby almost dropped her purse. “What?”
The woman stared at her.
“Wow…I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting it to be that much.”
“That’s the price,” she said simply.
Abby wanted that painting but she just couldn’t afford it. “Thank you.” She turned away. Toby stayed behind for a moment, still looking at the painting.
“You aren’t going to get it?” he asked.
“No,” she said sadly. She walked to the next vendor and looked at the jewelry. When she thought Toby was behind her, she turned around. But he wasn’t there. He was still talking to the vendor at the painting station. He returned a moment later.
“What were you doing?” she asked.
“I was trying to talk that nut into lowering the price. She wouldn’t budge.”
“Oh.” She was surprised by the gesture. “That was sweet of you.”
He smiled at her. “I’m actually very charming—sometimes.”
“Key word—sometimes.”
“Hungry?” he asked.
She nodded.
Toby ordered two sandwiches and they sat on a park bench.
“Can I ask you something?” he said after he ate his lunch.
“I guess.”
“Do you paint yourself?”
She laughed. “God, no.”
“What? That’s a legitimate question.”
“I just don’t.”
“Have you tried?” he asked.
“No…”
‘Then how do you know if you’re good or not?”
“I just do,” she said immediately. “I know I suck.”
He shook his head. “Unless you try, you’ll never know.”
She picked the tomatoes out of her sandwich and threw them away.
“Is that what you went to college for?” he
asked. “To be an artist?”
“No,” she said. “I just like art.”
“And do you like being an assistant?”
“I love it. My boss is a genius. Everything he makes is beautiful.”
He nodded. “That’s cool.”
“We’re going to England next week for an art show. I’m really excited about that.”
“Both of you?” he asked.
“Yep. I’ve never been overseas.”
“Why does he need you to come?” He stared into her face.
“I’m his assistant. I organize everything.”
“So, you won’t let me come over, but you’ll go overseas with some guy?”
“He’s not some guy,” she snapped. “I’ve worked with him for a year. He’s a very trustworthy person.”
“Guys aren’t trustworthy—period.”
She glared at him. “Is that supposed to convince me to trust you?”
He ignored her comment. “You shouldn’t go. That isn’t safe.”
She rolled her eyes. “I can take care of myself.”
“I’m just trying to help you,” he said.
“Well, don’t.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
He sighed. “Is there anything else you want to look at?”
“No, I think that’s enough for today.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “I did learn a lot today.”
“You did?” she asked.
“Yeah. Art isn’t so bad.”
“It really isn’t.”
They both left the park bench and walked to the main road. Toby walked with her back to her apartment. He didn’t ask if the action was okay, but Abby was used to it. Now it was just routine for him to walk her home.
When they reached her door, he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her.
“You’re so small,” he said quietly.
“I think you’re just big.”
He held her tightly and rested his head on hers. She enjoyed the closeness and didn’t pull away. But when the connection became too intimate, her heart raced and her palms started to sweat. “Thank you for walking me home.” She pulled away.
Toby stared at her like he’d just been wounded. He stepped toward her but didn’t touch her. His hands remained by his sides. “I think we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well…”
She didn’t know where this was going.
“And the more I’m around you, the more I like you. And I think you feel the same way.”
